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Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:51 am      Reply with quote
MaryClaire wrote:
You have my sympathies Leenie...I'm think you should not hide your response...go ahead and gag and if he asks why...say "I'm sorry but your body odor is making me sick to my stomach".

He must want to be left alone and uses the strong odor to keep people away.


I agree with MaryClaire. Maybe you shouldn't hide the negative response you have to his smell. Obviously you can express it in a kind and loving way.

If your husband is not a danger to himself or others maybe you can get out of the house a bit for both mental and smell relief. You have my sympathies.

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Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:04 am      Reply with quote
Im going out on a limb here but its just a thought: Im guessing all the antidepressants have killed his libido too. That can be pretty upsetting itself. Do you talk about it together, if so? You dont have to answer - Im just putting it out there.

Agree: he might be using the "Wall of BO" to keep ppl away. More than likely he's just too tired to care about a shower - demotivated. Can you take him to a swimming pool WITH LOTS OF CHLORINE to get him wet anyway? It might be refreshing for him and he'll like the feeling!

Anyway, Im not a counselor and Im thinking he needs that. If he's a vet there are great counselors in the VA system and various counseling groups he could join. Counselors travel as outreach if he lives too far away to travel himself. My BIL does that for his vets!

Hope you get some help, but this is a good place to just vent until the right opportunity presents.

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Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:38 pm      Reply with quote
Im not suggesting that Leenie's husband take megadoses of supplements unsupervised but many depressed people have imbalances in nutrients. B vitamins are an easy one to start with but NAC (N-acetylcysteine) shows promise also:

"Alterations in pro- and anti-inflammatory cytokines, including interleukin (IL)-6, IL-1β and tumour necrosis factor (TNF)–α, have been reported in populations with depression, and to a lesser extent, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.These inflammatory cytokines are potential contributors to the underlying pathophysiology of these disorders. N-acetylcysteine has been shown to have anti-inflammatory properties (Fig. 1) that are linked to oxidative pathways, which may provide another potential mechanism of action in the benefits of NAC in psychiatry."
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3044191/

What does it mean? That the brain's main anti-inflammatory/antioxidant isnt functioning, which could be a contributing factor in mental/mood disorders. Certainly he should discuss it with his doctors before taking it; showing the article to them might lead to discussion of it.

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/n-acetylcysteine.htm

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Sat Jul 06, 2013 5:18 pm      Reply with quote
Leenie wrote:
Thank you for the info fawnie. Will be checking it out. He's only 61 yrs old. There's not much excuse for his lack of hygiene except laziness. I work, he doesn't. All he does is go to dump, mow, and get the mail. The rest is up to me. He will absolutely will not talk about it. If I bring it up, he shuts down and doesn't talk to me for days. Your assessment of mental problems may be true. He's on 2 anti depressants and one anti anxiety. He was on hepatits c treatment and now believes he is so fragile. brb he's coming now


Lots of hugs to you and to be married for only 7 years!

I am very blunt and point it out to my husband and tell him that I can't tolerate it at all. I even wouldn't accept mental issues as a problem. I would tell him to be a man, pull up his pants and fix the problem or else. Poor hygiene is totally unacceptable.

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Sat Jul 06, 2013 7:26 pm      Reply with quote
Leenie wrote:
I can't find anyone who will tell him he stinks. His family is totally behind him and would never tell him. He whines to his 82 yr old mommy on a regular basis and she lectures me (I don't need to tell you that I wish she would BUTT out). I am stuck with this one. I am hoping the Drs. at the VA will tell him he stinks. They already know of all this. I don't have much faith in antidepressants at this point. If someone broke into the house, he wouldn't be able to defend himself. The anti depressants have removed his "fight or flight" instincts. I would love to have an intervention with all his Drs. involved. BTW, 12 days without a bath...I'm ready to hurl.


Leenie, this is sounding more like a definite mental problem. I think you need more discussion with his doctors - the anti-depressants obviously aren't the answer.

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Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:19 am      Reply with quote
I was depressed for years. I honestly think I was born that way...there is a condition called dysthymia that applies to young people who are chronically, sub-clinically depressed, and when I first learned of that term it was me.

After years of substance abuse and hard living it progressed and got so bad in my '30's that I took several different types of anti-depressants (couple SSRI's and I think one MAOI). All the anti-depressants did was gloss the problem. They were a good thing for a short time because they got me over wanting to kill myself every single day. But over a period of about more than six months they do tend to sap lots of people's motivation. Everything becomes a monotonous flat line, which in itself can be almost as debilitating as the depression. I think this is why so many people simply don't comply with anti-depressants in the long term...after a while your bodymind simply doesn't want them any more. They make us not who we really are.

It wasn't until I started paying attention to my nutrition and getting remineralized that I pulled out of it. It took a while to cover the utter mineral depletion in my tissues, and then to find the right balance. I wish I'd realized two decades ago what a huge impact minerals have on our health and well being, maybe I could have kept myself from going so far into the toilet. I also deeply, fervently wish doctors and mental health professionals paid more attention to mineral and vitamin balance when treating patients.

Point being, nutrition and supplements can cure depression. I'm living proof. I did most of my curing without a doctor (although I finally found a great naturally oriented MD who has helped me quite a bit). But it can be some work to do all the research and learning about what might be needed, and then find the right nutritive balance. Although IMHO in the long run it's much less work than trying to find the right medication to stay on. At least with most minerals/supplements you can experiment DIY with few if any negative consequences (only strong caution I have is for iodine). But the wrong medication can whack you for weeks or months. And once you reclaim your health you have that for life.

Also it can be work to find a doctor that supports and is knowledgeable about natural therapies instead of actively obstructing them.

Dunno if that's helpful or not. But there are viable alternatives to the mainstream medical approach to mental health, if mainstream isn't working for you.

Leenie, good luck. You have my profound sympathies, and so does your hubby. Deep depression is a hard row to hoe, for everyone it engulfs.
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Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:15 pm      Reply with quote
Thanks for posting that, Yubs. I hope that it gives someone else ideas, and hope.

I've known my share of depression from early childhood into my early 30's. I've never been one for pharmaceuticals of any type (besides headache & cramps remedies, or perhaps very short-term meds when necessary). When I finally confessed the extent of my history of depression to professionals, they told me that because of how bad it had been, there'd be no alternative but to be medicated for the rest of my life. Besides a prescription or two of sleep meds (went 3 yrs without proper sleep), I tried a couple of anti-depressants for no more than 3 or 4 weeks but they didn't feel right.

I'd already become quite introspective and finally looked at my life and decided that I was only the product of some unfortunate luck (elder, depressed parent/s, surrounded by poverty, no extended family, 10 year relationship breakup, eventually many deaths), poor habits (mostly revolving around my tendency for low energy activities & solitude), and spotty nutrition. It wasn't "me". It wasn't inexplicable. There were valid reasons, which had just become a lifestyle.

I knew the bad luck couldn't go on forever, the habits could be changed with a little awareness, and I make sure I eat regularly and well.

It took a while, but I haven't been depressed in years, and this without medication. I AM a massive success story.
Please note that I'm not against medication. I just knew that down as I was, it wasn't necessary for me. I believe that if I'd have found something I felt comfortable with, it would have helped immeasurably in moving me along faster. I somehow wanted to take my time examining the experience of recovery, but that's me.

Anyway, I am with you that nutrition plays a way bigger role in our mental health than is given enough airtime. My mother cooked well, but did not include enough vegetables. But the biggest thing was I was incredibly dehydrated my entire childhood, where I was underweight, felt cold and weak and often had headaches. It still boggles my mind that everyone could have been so unaware.

Leenie, I hope you're able to sort it out, and that you keep in touch. These people will provide some really good support.

p.s. Vit B complex are the only vitamins that I won't go without. I don't know what it is, but they make me feel grounded. I only dabble with others here and there.

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:04 pm      Reply with quote
I am sooo glad that I found this site today! My husband has been retired for about 5 years now and I still haven't adjusted. In fact, things are getting worse between us, to the point that I would like a separation (after 18 years of marriage). He is always around the house and doesn't want to go anywhere except to his Bible study and prayer groups. He has no plans or dreams for the future. We rarely ever talk (not my fault)and have separate bedrooms (he snores, I have a sleeping disorder). We just sort of coexist. I feel like his maid since I do the majority of housework and my pay is being able to live off his retirement income. I have just taken 2 weeks off from my volunteer job, thinking that maybe we could spend some time together, but he doesn't want to travel. Our last vacation was 2 years ago and that was for a week to a friend's lake house about 45 minutes away. The past 2 days I've spent reading in my room while he reads in the living room (he doesn't do his usual TV watching when he knows I'm mad). I told him today that I am thinking of fixing up the storage shed in the backyard and moving in there so that we can still keep up the façade to his friends that we're a "happily married couple." He can have the house and the car; I'll use my bike for transportation. His reply: "The shed would be too small for you." I would love to hop on a plane, train, or bus for anywhere but here, but I have no place to go. I am grateful that I am not alone in my feelings; the previous posts testify to that. Is there a solution besides separation? I don't think my husband realizes there are any problems (and he doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how unhappy I am in our situation).
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Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:11 pm      Reply with quote
Katie-girl wrote:
I am sooo glad that I found this site today! My husband has been retired for about 5 years now and I still haven't adjusted. In fact, things are getting worse between us, to the point that I would like a separation (after 18 years of marriage). He is always around the house and doesn't want to go anywhere except to his Bible study and prayer groups. He has no plans or dreams for the future. We rarely ever talk (not my fault)and have separate bedrooms (he snores, I have a sleeping disorder). We just sort of coexist. I feel like his maid since I do the majority of housework and my pay is being able to live off his retirement income. I have just taken 2 weeks off from my volunteer job, thinking that maybe we could spend some time together, but he doesn't want to travel. Our last vacation was 2 years ago and that was for a week to a friend's lake house about 45 minutes away. The past 2 days I've spent reading in my room while he reads in the living room (he doesn't do his usual TV watching when he knows I'm mad). I told him today that I am thinking of fixing up the storage shed in the backyard and moving in there so that we can still keep up the façade to his friends that we're a "happily married couple." He can have the house and the car; I'll use my bike for transportation. His reply: "The shed would be too small for you." I would love to hop on a plane, train, or bus for anywhere but here, but I have no place to go. I am grateful that I am not alone in my feelings; the previous posts testify to that. Is there a solution besides separation? I don't think my husband realizes there are any problems (and he doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how unhappy I am in our situation).


Forums like this are a great place to unload and get understanding from other "sufferers: - however, when it comes to making monumental decisions on whether to pack it all in or not, only you can decide that. And it's been my experience that those types of decisions tend to make themselves.

As for the travel - go by yourself, or with a friend. I've just come back from six weeks around Europe with my husband and I could have gladly pushed him underneath the wheels of the Eurostar at every station!!

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:22 pm      Reply with quote
Oh wow, Katie. That is very difficult and there is certainly changes in your relationship which he refuses to open up his eyes to.

I cannot offer suggestions except you need to talk to him.

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Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:32 am      Reply with quote
Keliu wrote:
...I've just come back from six weeks around Europe with my husband and I could have gladly pushed him underneath the wheels of the Eurostar at every station!!


Laughing Laughing keliu, u r the Mistress of Levity!
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Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:23 am      Reply with quote
Kath91 wrote:
Keliu wrote:
...I've just come back from six weeks around Europe with my husband and I could have gladly pushed him underneath the wheels of the Eurostar at every station!!


Laughing Laughing keliu, u r the Mistress of Levity!


Sometimes you've just got to laugh, or you go crazy!!

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Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:16 am      Reply with quote
Keliu you make me LOL! Laughing So freakin true tho!

My best vacations were when I went alone or with my sister and left the DH home.

Actually, to anyone considering separation: get your ducks in a row and get a:

financial advisor
realtor
lawyer
counselor
confidant.

You might have more resources than you thought, and altho your standard of living may change, at least you will have:

peace of mind
quiet
clean
a place of your own
no 300# weight around your neck.

But Keliu is right: only you can make that decision.

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Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:23 am      Reply with quote
& may I add:

Get all the financial papers relating to jointly held property (mortgages, etc) in your own possession - don't expect that your spouse will be at all cooperative. Get a preapproved mortgage in your own name because once things start moving you will have so much else to occupy you.

Get all documents related to your marriage and related issues ready and in a safe place.

Find any of your own important documents such passport etc and keep them safely as the angry soon to be ex spouse may confiscate them.

Get a safe place to go - if you can, confide in a neighbour so that you have an immediate safe getaway and anything that looks like violence will be investigated even if you cannot get to the phone.

Make sure that you have a secret stash of cash that is enough to tide you through - 6 months is good if you can manage it. Keep in mind that your spouse can get access to your bank account information and any safety deposit boxes he knows about. But don't let lack of cash keep you from exiting a situation that no longer serves you.
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Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:38 am      Reply with quote
Sound advice mismis.

I might add as well, to anyone contemplating marriage: have your own credit cards and separate bank accounts. Get a prenup to protect what is yours. How you divide the expenses is your own business and his, but always have your own line of credit and money that is yours alone. Even if you hide it in your teddy bear! My mama dint raise no fool and Ive always had my own money and Im glad. Very Happy

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Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:44 pm      Reply with quote
If you have a career - you are protected by virtue of your own abilities - and of course having your own CC's etc. Although -here's a little story of mine. I was divorced about 10 years ago and my soon to be ex cancelled "my" cc. I didn't cancel it - he called and because he told them he was the hubby they allowed it to be cancelled. Temporary inconvenience but stuff happens.
Protect yourself - do not assume he will be a good guy.

Anyway this thread is my current favorite by virtue of I don't have a husband, noone retired and driving me nuts, snoring, not bathing, etc and it only makes me feel better for being single.
Keliu's story is amusing but I'm also glad I don't have to travel with someone who is miserable for me.... Though three months in Europe sounds lovely.

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Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:21 pm      Reply with quote
But you *were* married, right Sis? So you can relate to the dilemma of having to share space with another human. Laughing

I can fantasize about my Perfect Life with NO MAN ABOUT! but when push came to shove and I was deathly sick last winter, who was it who came thru for me? << I remember that whenever he bugs the living bajeezus out of me and I learn to forgive.

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Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:15 pm      Reply with quote
Ah yes. It is good to have a partner. Perhaps I will again one day...bearing all this in mind, of course. Laughing

I am a third wheel frequently with my best friend and her husband. We have a fab time together.
I get invited to parties where single women are needed and have friends/neighbors/whomever wanting me to meet their brother/coworker/their newly divorced friend, and lots of other kooky stuff. It can be humorous and I meet interesting people and there's always stories - I tell my friends I'm going to write a book about it all. I need a good title... to incorporate skincare, hormones, staying fit and dating in your 50's. I guess I'm happy being single...for now anyway.

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Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:12 pm      Reply with quote
^^ Tell me about it! I love to live vicariously!

Wink

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Sat Mar 11, 2017 11:17 am      Reply with quote
My husband of three years just retired three months ago. The company approached him with a severance pkg., (either take it, or get forced-out). He was not planning on retiring; neither one of us was ready. My new marriage is now highlighted with a ever-present, bored, dependent man. He has no hobbies, and no close friends. The ONLY social contacts he has are his daughter and grandkids. He won't do ANYTHING alone. My part time job provides me with time away, but the minute I'm home, he's hovering. It's gotten soo bad that I'm secluding myself in a room with a "Do Not Disturn" sign posted on the door, with the excuse of being sick. Crying or Very sad
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Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:11 pm      Reply with quote
Calamity wrote:
My husband of three years just retired three months ago. The company approached him with a severance pkg., (either take it, or get forced-out). He was not planning on retiring; neither one of us was ready. My new marriage is now highlighted with a ever-present, bored, dependent man. He has no hobbies, and no close friends. The ONLY social contacts he has are his daughter and grandkids. He won't do ANYTHING alone. My part time job provides me with time away, but the minute I'm home, he's hovering. It's gotten soo bad that I'm secluding myself in a room with a "Do Not Disturb" sign posted on the door, with the excuse of being sick. Crying or Very sad
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Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:24 pm      Reply with quote
Calamity wrote:
My husband of three years just retired three months ago. The company approached him with a severance pkg., (either take it, or get forced-out). He was not planning on retiring; neither one of us was ready. My new marriage is now highlighted with a ever-present, bored, dependent man. He has no hobbies, and no close friends. The ONLY social contacts he has are his daughter and grandkids. He won't do ANYTHING alone. My part time job provides me with time away, but the minute I'm home, he's hovering. It's gotten soo bad that I'm secluding myself in a room with a "Do Not Disturn" sign posted on the door, with the excuse of being sick. Crying or Very sad


My husband was also forced in early retirement. In my community, lots have been put in the same situation, but as I don't know them, I can't ask what their plans are.
This is a very new situation for older adults and there doesn't seem to be other options. I suggested he settle for some sort of part-time work, but he has his pride. I don't know how to help someone get over their pride because things are not getting better.

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