| |
 |
| Author |
Message |
|
|
|
Thu Jan 26, 2006 8:33 pm  |
Is it possible for a man to be very interested in a woman and then be able to turn his feelings he has for her totally off in order to focus on other serious priorities in his life?
I know that for me, no matter what is going on in my life I can't change the way I feel about about a guy and can't simply "turn my feelings off". Is this only true for women?
I am so confused  |
_________________
early-mid 30s || oily-combination, sensitive & acne-prone skin || mild breakouts (Aczone helps a lot) || occasional eczema rashes || fine lines around eyes || very dark under eye cirlces- concealer a must || very fair neutral-warm complexion, blue eyes, blonde hair |
|
|
|
|
Thu Jan 26, 2006 9:06 pm |
| Well people do change. I would say the first few years is the so called "honeymoon phase" or lust,when feelings wouldn't change and everything is still fresh and new. But as time goes on, that wears off. That would be the real test of loyalty, trust and true love takes over. Love is not an emotion but rather how your partner treats you. |
|
|
|
|
|
Thu Jan 26, 2006 9:59 pm |
| Guys are very different when it comes to relationships. I think it's a lot easier for them to put their feelings aside in order to focus on other things. As women we tend to get really wrapped up and prioritize relationships above all else and guys are usually built differently. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 1:05 am |
| SusieQ wrote: |
| Well people do change. I would say the first few years is the so called "honeymoon phase" or lust,when feelings wouldn't change and everything is still fresh and new. But as time goes on, that wears off. That would be the real test of loyalty, trust and true love takes over. Love is not an emotion but rather how your partner treats you. |
I guess to be more specific, in my situation, I am referring to short term dating. I do not have a lot of dating or serious relationship experience so I am totally confused. I am struggling with whether this guy I was seeing meant what he told me because of how things have ended up. It's hard to sum things up so that you can get a correct idea about what I mean. But basically I had never felt so comfortable nor had so much in common with someone so that I felt understood and at great ease. We totally hit it off and I have to admit, I fell for him. He told me that he didn't expect to connect with me on such a profound level, that he couldn't believe how well we meshed, and that it was amazing how much we had in common in experiences we had had and how we thought and looked at things. But them he said in so many words that he was anxious about other things going on in his life that were keeping him from paying enough attention to me (and I did start to notice less affection). I get how things going on in a person's life can be distracting and take you away from certain other things.
But then things changed and this is where I have been thrown: I didn't hear from him during the period of two weeks following the night he told me the "we connect on a profound level" crap and I knew for sure these two weeks really were busy for him (he wasn't making it up in other words) so I didn't think much of it. But when I knew this period was over (from what he told me before hand) I still didn't hear from him. I called him and that is when he revealed to me that he had too many things going on in his life to be involved with me right now.
Things with him went from amazing to confusing and I can't understand it. I am intuitive and usually am a really good judge of character so I felt he was into me as much as I into him. He's the one, after all, who initiated our relationship! So I thought okay, this hurts and I wish he could talk more about his feelings because I don't really know how he feels about me anymore, if he still cares about me or not. In fact, I said to him, "what am I supposed to do with my feelings?". He simply said, "You're going to have to turn them off." What?! How?! 
Now because I haven't heard a word from him for the last 6 weeks I am wondering if he ever cared about me at all. I thought that we had parted on okay terms, that we would get together as friends. I still have a few things of his! So why haven't I heard a word? Is his life that distracting? Or was he such a wimp that he couldn't just tell me the truth?
Again, it's difficult for others to judge this situation without knowing every little detail. I hope that I have given enough details and painted the right picture.
All I know is that I am heart broken and confused. My feelings are really hurting due to the fact that he said those wonderful things to me but his current actions (of not contacting me) are communicating to me that he doesn't care about me.
(And he wasn't saying those things to get me into bed... we hadn't even slept together yet and there was no pressure to do so).
 I can't believe I am saying so many personal things and revealing so much! But I am driving myself crazy about it all!
Also, sorry about the long post!! 
Thanks for reminding me of the thought that "Love is not an emotion but rather how your partner treats you." True, very true. I have to always remember this.
Yes, Chimera, men think/ are built differently as I am finding out. Even more than I ever thought. |
_________________
early-mid 30s || oily-combination, sensitive & acne-prone skin || mild breakouts (Aczone helps a lot) || occasional eczema rashes || fine lines around eyes || very dark under eye cirlces- concealer a must || very fair neutral-warm complexion, blue eyes, blonde hair |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:38 am |
I know I don't have the whole story - but from what you have posted my intuition is telling me you are not getting the whole story from this guy. Guys are pretty notorious for not giving the whole truth when it comes to matters of the heart. I know it really hurts - but you should count your blessings that this was just a casual relationship, because it hurts FAR less than ending a serious, long term relationship.
My advice would be to walk away from this guy and 'distract' yourself with positive things - like taking classes, exercising or enriching your life in some other way. If what he says is true and his cares about you but he's kept away from you because of other issues and if it's meant to be he'll come back when he's ready - if it's not meant to be don't waste your time worrying about him. Every failed relationship is a learning experience if you can look at things clearly. I'm sorry that you feel hurt but keep in mind that it gets a little less with each passing day and you never know what wonderful things await you just around the corner. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:13 am |
Amnis the way he has treated you is appalling, wipe those eyes dry and don't waste another spent emotion on this guy, your lucky to be free of him if that is the way he has treated you.
The worst thing guys can do is lay on the charm and go silent, it is the not getting a straight answer that is the frustrating part.
Remember it's Karma, wait until someone treats him the way he has treated you and it will happen.
You must have been way too good for him
 |
_________________
oily/acne prone - acne scars on chin area/Large Pores in winter. Oily in Summer. Fair, nuetral/cool complexion, burn easily. Early 20s |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 11:03 am |
I'm not trying to minimize your hurt feelings, but somehow you need to move on....about 6 years ago, I met this guy. Perfect for me ~ tall, dark, handsome, great career, great kisser, all around nice guy, etc...blah blah. We dated about 12 weeks, then one day...he comes over and breaks up with me..completely out of nowhere, he said it just wasn't working out. I was like -what is going on (I had been mentally preparing for the wedding ~ hahaha)..it was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from, I was physically sick for weeks, from the breakup. It took me 4 stinkin years to get over that relationship...in that time, I married someone else, had a child, got divorced, and in the back of my mind, I sometimes still thought that guy and I would work out. What a waste of my time, 4 years.
Spending time thinking about him, and this situation is giving him power over you that he does not deserve.
Don't you want someone who wants to be with you??? I do. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm nice person, raising a child, working hard at everything I do. You need to find someone who puts you on a pedestal, and thinks you're the greatest thing ever!! That's what I'm waiting for, and if doesn't happen, well then someone missed out a damn good girl.
I wish you well!!! Chrissie |
_________________
46 yrs old, I live at the beach and love being out in the sun. |
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:31 pm |
He is just not into you!!!!Did you hear this on Oprah?And, just wait, soon you will not be into him.Get over him.I know is not easy, be happy for the great feelings which you have and makes you a special girl and...let him go on with his busy life.
I have the same problem, but I am much older and I know that when he is not into you, it is gone from my life.  |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 6:27 pm |
After 6 weeks of no contact, I'd say you're lucky to be rid of him and just be thankful you didn't hop into the sack - at least you still have your dignity The message he's giving you is loud and clear, so don't waste another second of your life thinking of him!!
The trick is to keep busy, have lots of things going on in your life to distract you and one day you will wake up and wonder why you wasted your emotions on this callous, smooth talking jerk
Anya |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 7:18 pm |
Buy "He's Just Not That Into You" and read it over and over!!
Buy "The Rules"- books one and two by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider as soon as you possibly can and post on the rules web site to get support! www.therulesbook.com and then look for the boards.
This guy is probably NOT being honest with you and, I'm sorry to be so blunt, he may never have really felt that 'deep connection' with you that he said he felt.
Or, like it says in Mars and Venus, he has retreated into his cave for awhile!!!
Regardless of why it has happened you should not contact him no matter what! DO not answer his calls- if he does come crawling back then he needs to be asking you out 3 days in advance, and you should be telling him that you are not ready to be serious and that you just want to date.
Be busy!!! Do nice things for yourself and start dating. Put him out of your mind. You are a great catch and his loss if he can't see that.
Good luck. We've all been there and know it's not easy. |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:44 pm |
| Right Amnis, believe what the ladies are saying here. Take this as a sign to move on to other things in your life. When hes ready, he'll come back. He knows where to find you. And if he doesn't than he wasn't the person for you after all. Good luck Amnis! |
|
|
|
|
|
Fri Jan 27, 2006 11:12 pm |
amnis - My heart aches for you, but everything the others have said is true. He was either insincere to begin with or else he doesn't want a serious relationship just now and backed off because your affinity wouldn't have allowed for something casual and light. It can take a long time to get over someone who holds out the hope of a profound connection, in spite of inconsiderate treatment. But you've gotten some very good advice that I hope you'll be able to follow eventually.
I've noticed that men are not only different when it comes to personal relationships, but also in their manner of doing business. There's often an inability/unwillingness to be direct. I can't tell you how many meetings I've attended where I've thought, "Get to the point", or "What do you really want?". And it's said that women are coy! Your friend sounds like he's being passive/aggressive, if you understand what that means. He has spared himself the discomfort of a confrontation.
I can tell by the way you write that there's something special and exceptional about you. Don't feel uncomfortable that you may have divulged too many personal feelings here. There's something about the anonymity that seems to make it easier to bare one's soul about certain things. I've found myself doing the same thing more and more (I don't want to unload certain things on my friends as much as I need to!), and I can tell you that this forum is filled with some of the most perceptive, caring people you'd ever want to communicate with. |
|
|
|
|
|
Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:37 pm |
Thank you all SO much You have really helped me more than you could ever imagine. When I read through these posts I had tears running down my face-- because of all of you who care to share your experiences/advice. And b/c my confusion has lessened.
I think you'll find it good to know that I am feeling better now (but still hurting a little). I may have mentioned it before... but I am so inexperienced and tend to be on the naive side. I am also the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. In many cases I just can't help it. I also am very sensitive and when I fall, I fall hard. Very hard. And I think opportunities to get involved with someone (like being asked out or whatever) is due to my shyness which is often mistaken for snobbiness and stuck up-ness. I hate that! B/c I'm not that at all!
Over the holidays I worked on the reality that I could no longer be intimately involved with him anymore... thinking that we would still be friends. I think a lot of my heart ache is now because it looks like he doesn't even want to be friends with me. If a friend ignored me as much as he has I would be just as hurt. So even on a friends basis I'm hurt too! It's time to ditch this low life, scum sucking, no good son of a b*%$#! I don't even waste my time with friends who lack compassion (and integrity).
Chrissie- I adimire your strength and I applaud you for raising a child on your own! And you are right, I do need to move on.
Yes, Chimera, it is a good thing this happened as early as it did. It would have hurt all that much more had it gone on longer.
I don't want to beat myself up for "I should said this" or "I shoulda said that" BUT when he said "usually I can see these things coming" I wish I would have asked "see what coming?" Of course I didn't. But at least if there are future situations like these I will be able to cognitively process things faster b/c they won't be as much as a surprise so that I can ask the right questions at the right time (hopefully).
m.april, I know all about passive-agressive men. The last guy I dated seriously (my first very serious relationship... we even talked about marriage) was passive-agressive and controlling, my God. Just when I was realizing his emotional and verbal abuse (telling me what I could and couldn't wear, what I could do and couldn't do, and even tried to listen in on my conversation with my mom for cryin' out loud!)was more than I could handle -and that is was not me doing anything wrong and his treatment was abnormal- his first and only attempt at physical abuse woke me up fast! I didn't walk away, I ran. Scary! I hope I never see him again. You are right, he (this recent jerk this thread is about) is definitely pass-agressive. He really put things off in terms of calling me and telling me he wanted to stop seeing me. I wonder had I not have called him if he would have called at all. I guess I am mistaking p-a men for nice, genuine men. I just don't know much about how to see the difference until something bad happens. My dad nor my brother are p-a so I don't have experience interacting with 'em. But I am learning, right?
Which brings me to ponder... am I attracting jerks?!?! Do they think they can use me b/c they think I am so nice and such a push over and then when they realize they can't push me over they back pedal?
| rosebud wrote: |
Remember it's Karma, wait until someone treats him the way he has treated you and it will happen.
You must have been way too good for him
|
Right on, Rosebud. It's all about Karma. Knowing that makes it easier to get over him! I also believe that everything happens for a reason.
Lily, thanks for the book suggestions. Also, don't worry: I won't contact him no matter what and if he ever comes crawling back he will have to work very hard to win my friendship (and this will depend greatly upon what he says about his reason for acting the way he has). It's hard for me to believe and accept that he would (and could) lie... it just didn't seem to be in his nature. Which then leads me to think "why would he act this way if what he said was true?" See? I just drive myself crazy over and over again. But at least the craziness gets less intense every day  . It just makes me sick to my stomach to think that a human being could be so insensitive and inconsiderate.
But damn it! This sucks.  He was such a great kisser.
Thank you all again. I appreciate your kind hearts. |
_________________
early-mid 30s || oily-combination, sensitive & acne-prone skin || mild breakouts (Aczone helps a lot) || occasional eczema rashes || fine lines around eyes || very dark under eye cirlces- concealer a must || very fair neutral-warm complexion, blue eyes, blonde hair |
|
|
|
| Tue Apr 23, 2024 2:45 am |
If this is your first visit to the EDS Forums please take the time to register. Registration is required for you to post on the forums. Registration will also give you the ability to track messages of interest, send private messages to other users, participate in Gift Certificates draws and enjoy automatic discounts for shopping at our online store. Registration is free and takes just a few seconds to complete.
Click Here to join our community.
If you are already a registered member on the forums, please login to gain full access to the site. |
|
 |
|
|
