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Why does my boyfriend keep telling me this?

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glistenxz
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:32 pm      Reply with quote
I have been dating this guy for about three months and for some reason, he always bring up the issue of feelings and then ended up saying he does not love me. I understand if i ask him and he says this, but why does he keep bringing it up and telling me this?

For example, we might be moving away together and just the other day, he says in order to move he needs to love me and bluntly tells me he does not love me.

A guy who does this, is he telling me he is never going to feel that way about me?

Guys are confusing! Confused

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Thu Feb 02, 2006 4:26 pm      Reply with quote
I have 13 years on you and, unfortunately, men get no less confusing over time. Rolling Eyes

My gut instinct is that this guy is trying to provoke a reaction from you. I think he wants you to appear devastated at his announcement that he doesn't love you, as a test to see if you love him. This behavior is generated by his own insecurity. It has nothing to do with you. My concern is that men who are insecure can never really love because the love is conditional. It's always about whether you love him, not whether you love each other.

My guess is that if you said, "Fine, I don't love you either. Maybe we should stop seeing each other," he'd turn into a ball of jelly and profess his love. Then you'll have to decide if you trust him, or care enough to find out if it's real.

And regardless of all that, you deserve better, girl. Trust me. You do. You have your whole life ahead of you, but it's way too short to waste one second on someone who's not worth it.

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fierce
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 5:07 pm      Reply with quote
I agree with LandB. From what you have said, He seems to be trying to get a reaction out of you. He could also be scared. Guys are funny like that.

I have to say that when i was younger i did stuff like this. i did put conditions on things (i needed to do it to know the person really cared). I would say stuff like " I dont think i really love you" and when they broke down, it gave me power. Then i would retract my statement. My underlying problem wasnt the need to hurt the other person though, it had alot to do with my past and problems with my family.

My point. I am not a bad person, nor would i tell you that i think your boyfriend is a bad person. Find out what is really going on. Ask him "why are you telling me this? What is the purpose?" Don't show your emotions and see if it provokes him to say something more harsh.

We always want our men to understand us even when we are being unreasonable. I think we should at least try and do the same.

let us know how things go. take care.
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:45 pm      Reply with quote
I agree that he's acting like a bit of a jerk, but I also think you gals are being too hard on him.

Sounds to me like he's just feeling scared and insecure.

Remember Shakespeare's famous line, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much..." The bard was wise and had great insight. His assessment applies to males just as much.

Try telling him that you don't recall asking him to marry you, and suggest he chilllllll out. If that doesn't work, SMACK him Shock
chimera
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:01 pm      Reply with quote
I'm not sure what his motive is, but it seems totally manipulative. Unless he's perfect in every other way I'd be sorely tempted to walk away after hearing that over and over!
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 2:32 am      Reply with quote
Perhaps ask him where he sees the relationship going if he doesn't love you? It may be he doesn't love you or likes you but has a problem with the L word, but unless he's honest with you - which we all deserve - and he breaks through the BS I only see one end to this.

I know it's difficult especially if you like him but I would seriously question my relationship if the guy was being emotionally manipulative, again he may not even realise he is!

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LandB
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:40 am      Reply with quote
chimera wrote:
I'm not sure what his motive is, but it seems totally manipulative. Unless he's perfect in every other way I'd be sorely tempted to walk away after hearing that over and over!


This is a really good point. I'd like to refine my earlier post to add the following.... I guess you need to ask yourself how many times you're willing to hear "I don't love you" while you figure out why he's actually saying that.... It's not a question of being too hard on him... it's a question of, when do you throw in the towel? Only you know the answer to that.

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.

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Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:34 am      Reply with quote
How do you feel about him? If you don't love him, next time he says that, reply "Great, I don't love you either....so I guess we don't need to talk about that anymore....unless of course something changes."

All I know is (from my experience) you best protect your heart, because a man who will come right out and say he doesn't love you will probably hurt you in the long run. I mean honestly he must want to hurt you or why would someone say such a thing.

Lori

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Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:48 am      Reply with quote
You say you've been dating for about three months...that isn't a very long time...

what does he actually MEAN with "i don't love you".... That he hasn't fallen IN love with you or that he doesn't love you????

In my mind these are two different states of emotion...

If he doesn't love you after 3 months I think that's ok - but he might think you're supposed to feel deep love after 3 months and that's why he keeps saying he doesn't love you. It could well be he's young and confused and inexperienced in the matters of the heart...

and if he is IN love with you you're all set...

But if he isn't in love with you now at the beginning of your relationship I'd say that's a pretty sure sign that you're wasting your emotions, energy and time... It doesn't take 3 months to fall in love if you're going to fall in love.

How do you feel about him?

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katee
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 9:21 am      Reply with quote
I agree with you LandB.... My remarks were tempered by the fact that they both sound pretty young and three months isn't a very long time at all. What concerns me more is that glistenxz mentioned that she's thinking about moving away with him. THAT doesn't sound like a wise move....

You know, we're all different and we react to emotional situations differently. There was a time when I found it difficult to say "I love you" and, because I did have trouble saying it, I worked hard at SHOWING it. In my case, I WAS in love - I just had trouble verbalizing it.

But there were also times that I was dating someone who I was very fond of, but just wasn't in love with... In those cases, they were people who I thought I could love; it just isn't a word I throw around lightly. Even so, I have NEVER felt the need to tell someone I was with, HEYYYYYY DUDE, just to be clear, I DON'T LOVE YOU.

glistenrx has to make her own decisions about how she feels. The sad thing is she's already starting to sound a little resentful. I can't say I blame her. I'd give the guy the benefit of a doubt, but if it persisted, just based on my own personality and emotional make up, I'd dump him...
hattie
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 9:23 am      Reply with quote
So, does this mean he just wants to be friends, maybe? I think I would just have to ask HIM why he keeps telling me this...
Good luck!!
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:24 pm      Reply with quote
How exactly does he bring up the subject of feelings? (How does he lead into it, approach it, etc). And what does he say before he actually says "I don't love you"?

I am wondering too if he is trying to get a reaction out of you to test how you really feel. Maybe he is really afraid to divulge his true feelings. Do you know much about his relationship history? (I don't even know if this is something that is talked about that much in relationships due to my lack of experience).

I agree, guys are extremely confusing! Rolling Eyes

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lily
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:42 pm      Reply with quote
Glistenxz: Sad Woman are always trying to make excuses for guys and to think they do not really mean what they say. I have learned to listen to what men say very carefully. Don't fall into the trap and read into in thinking he is trying to get a reaction out of you or that he is insecure. (This is my opinion only of course.)

HE IS TELLING YOU HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND THAT IN ORDER TO GO AWAY WITH SOMEONE (or whatever it is you are talking about that you guys might do) AND SO LISTEN TO HIM!!! I think he is telling you that he DOES NOT want to go away with you but maybe isn't 'man enough' to break up with you.

I think you need to move on.
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:10 pm      Reply with quote
I hate to label people....BUT, in my experience ~ Men are just dumb.

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glistenxz
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Sun Feb 05, 2006 12:07 pm      Reply with quote
I need your help ladies...!!


I broke up with him a few days ago. And the reason is because a week ago, he accidently met his ex again at his brother house and ever since that, he keeps coming over there. He claims the reason for him coming over there is to want to hang out with his brother and brother's wife and away from his mom. THe thing is, before he knew his ex comes there sometimes, he rarely comes.

Just a the other day, when I couldn't go with him somewhere. He called her up so she could go with him.

He tells me he is not interested and wants another friend, but I know guys enough that guys and girls cannot be friends. At least, a girl can be friend with a guy, but when a guy wants to be friends with a girl, he is interested.

Therefore, even if he is a good guy to date, that I might be alone for Valentine Day, and I might be miserable now, I broke up with him anyways!


I rather be alone for the rest of my life than with someone who seems unsure of his feelings through his actions. Don't you girls agree?? I need some support for this miserable feelings girls!!! Sad

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chimera
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Sun Feb 05, 2006 12:35 pm      Reply with quote
My gut says you did the right thing - who needs a guy who's always sending you mixed signals and saying unkind things?? Good news is it's only been a few months long relationship and those are pretty easy to overcome! Why not plan something special to do with your friends or family on Valentine's Day? Congratulations on taking the brave step of doing what you believe is the right thing to do!
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Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:01 pm      Reply with quote
You did the right thing. I stand by my conclusion that he's insecure... "reuniting" with an old flame is just another sign of it.

Retail therapy always helps me. Indeed, there's nothing a new pair of shoes can't cure. (My checkbook wishes I was kidding.) Laughing

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Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:12 pm      Reply with quote
You did the right thing Wink

I know your going to feel down for a while, I too was with someone for a while and we broke up, I thought I was in love but looking back I think I just like the idea of not being on my own.

Anyway it's a damn good thing we broke up because not long after I met my SO and true love of my life......we have been together for 5 1/2 years and it feels like only 1.

Trust me everything happens for a reason.
You are better off without him and enjoy being single, think of the new found freedom you have, no longer having to consider another persons feelings.

Now go to the Anti Valentines Day Thread!!

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Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:52 pm      Reply with quote
Right on, Sista!

Hang in there, it will get better! Trust me. I just went through something similar a little over a month ago (and just got over that sad feeling a few days ago... it got less and less until it diminished... now I only have occasional thoughts of "Oh, too bad, so sad" feelings). Mine was a short but intense relationship. Believe me, you are better for it because you are now free and have the the opportunity to meet someone worthwhile.

These gals on the forum really know what they are talking about (I wouldn't be doing as well without them Wink ).

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Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:00 pm      Reply with quote
You did the right thing.

Guys and girls can't be friends, especially after they've had sex.

Someone new and worthy will be around the corner when you least expect it. Don't settle for what's available, find what you deserve (and that's a sweet, caring guy who doesn't hang out with his ex or play games with you)

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Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:48 pm      Reply with quote
Congrats on taking control of your life - that alone is very empowering Very Happy You absolutely did the right thing - those sudden frequent visits to his brother and sister-in-law........ pffff!

Just keep busy and when you're least expecting it, you'll meet someone who appreciates you for who and what you are - best of luck Very Happy

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glistenxz
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Sun Feb 05, 2006 6:43 pm      Reply with quote
Thank you girls!!! Do you remember the breakup that caused your heart to really ache? You want to talk to him, even get back with him.

How did you deal with it? What did you do so that you can completely move on?


You girls are really helping me through this horrible experience. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a guy that is truly wonderful.

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Sun Feb 05, 2006 8:49 pm      Reply with quote
Well, aside from retail therapy....

I once got a Brazilian wax and smiled to myself that he missed the results! Laughing

Seriously, though, remember who you are, what you stand for, and what you enjoy. Focus on yourself and you will forget him. I promise. And the more you love yourself, the more you're likely to meet someone who really appreciates and loves you back.

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Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:12 am      Reply with quote
Quote:
Thank you girls!!! Do you remember the breakup that caused your heart to really ache? You want to talk to him, even get back with him.

How did you deal with it? What did you do so that you can completely move on?


You girls are really helping me through this horrible experience. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a guy that is truly wonderful.


I just kept as busy as possible, called up all those friends that I had neglected and enjoyed going dressing up and going out.
I have thought of lots of good things about being being single:

*You can have the bed covers exactly how you want them, my SO likes the bed perfectly made every night whilst I like the covers strewn around everywhere Laughing .......it does not go down well!!!

*You can wear pjamas in bed without waking up in a hot flush from the other persons body heat.

*You can please yourself when you go out and who your off out with without being asked where you are going or who is going with you.

*Think of all that flirting Very Happy

*Holidays with girlfriends Cool

*You can spend however much you want on a pair of shoes/handbag and proudly display the reciept rather than having to destroy all evidence of how much you spent and proclaiming the sales were good.

*No sport, you will now be master of that control!!!!!

I'm sure all the girls will think up of some more fabulous reasons why single life is actually quite good.

LandB Laughing the Brazilian Wax made me laugh, he would have been gutted Wink

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Mon Feb 06, 2006 2:19 pm      Reply with quote
glistenxz wrote:
Thank you girls!!! Do you remember the breakup that caused your heart to really ache? You want to talk to him, even get back with him.

How did you deal with it? What did you do so that you can completely move on?



Remember it? I'm going through it right now too. Boyfriend of 4 years decided to end it last night. My plan? Go to the gym and gain back some of my self confidence...

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