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Wed May 17, 2006 12:07 pm |
It's scary how many people in relationships cheat on their partners now a days. Almost all the people i've known have cheated or been cheated on. Many people cheat, and their significant other doesnt have any idea about it. I have a long term bf for 3 yrs and with all the statistics about cheaters, I'm always paranoid that he may cheat on me. I just wish people were more honest and loyal.
These are just some statistics I've found out about cheating.
85% of WOMEN who feel they have a cheating spouse ARE correct.
70% of MARRIED WOMEN do not know about their spouses' affair.
68% of people claim they have been cheated on. |
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Wed May 17, 2006 5:15 pm |
Yes, it is sad. Luckily, I've had no experience with cheating. But my bf's best friend, he used cheat on his now wife (mother of his two sons, no less) all the time. It sickened me-- it was so frequent and with such unsavory girls. My bf told me, swearing me to secrecy, that hhis friend screwed another girl the night before their marriage. I felt so awkward at the wedding knowing this. I felt bad for his wife, but I have to wonder if she knew?
I feel lucky that I'm with a man who loves me and who I never have a reason to doubt. And I guess I should add that I would never be the cheater either! |
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Wed May 17, 2006 6:02 pm |
being single ain't so bad! |
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Wed May 17, 2006 6:16 pm |
I find it interesting that in some cases, people are willing to risk the trust/love/etc. that they've built with a person to someone else.
It's not just a relationship/trust a person is risking anymore me thinks - STDs are so predominant that you never know what you might catch spending a night with someone else! Or worse, only being with someone you trust that wasn't honest with you. |
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Wed May 17, 2006 8:15 pm |
^ totally agree. Std's are so common now a days and it's scary how common they really are. |
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Wed May 17, 2006 8:29 pm |
my boyfriend and i always joke with eachother about whether the other is cheating or not..but i honestly think it's not the best to second guess your spouse on if they are cheating on you...that breaks trust. Now that i've been with my bf for 3 1/2 years, and realize how bad he is at flirting...that and i am oh so cute (haha), i don't have any reason to believe he'd be capable of cheating on me. |
_________________ Extremely fair/sensitive skin(mild rosacea)that burns very easy.acne is rare/skin is dry.27 years old. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 1:05 am |
Until I met my fiance, I wasn't really thinking about ever settling down with anyone. It just seemed to me like there always were other things that were more important to me, like career, being able to travel and my "freedom". I've realised that I still have those things now, and I can enjoy them more because I'm with him.
However, when I first met him, he was just coming out of a really bad relationship, and I kept feeling like I was just the rebound girl so I really gave him a hard time. I also felt annoyed that he was still talking to his ex (or rather, she was talking to him ) and I felt I wasn't being given enough respect. We've had to sit down and talk about the issues - I felt he was being "too nice" and that she was still taking advantage of him and that he was too sweet to see it. Anyways, I guess what I really wanted to say, after all this rambling, is that trust was really hard for me. I just had to work so hard at it. And only 3 years later am I now confident that he wouldn't cheat on me.
The stats quoted above are terrifying though. The only way to beat them is by trusting the other person. I like to think that I know him so well that if he were cheating on me, I would realise it. Don't you think we could pick up on these things? I pick up so many other signals from him, I'm hoping I'll notice that one.
My last thought: I wonder what the figures are for women cheating. I guess it's rarer, but I can't really believe it's non-existent... |
_________________ Mid-20s, combination skin, still trying to find my perfect skin care routine! |
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Thu May 18, 2006 8:11 am |
^ women cheat as well, not as much as men, but the numbers are increasing for women. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 10:39 am |
This may be somewhat off topic, but I thought I'd share--and hopefully I won't get bashed for it!
I've been married about 3 years to an incredible, incredible man--who I trust dearly.
Anyways, this past year I've been dealing with a lot of depression. I met a guy from one of the sports clubs I belong to and we hit it off as friends and had a tremendous amount in common. He was also married. Anyways, after a few months of talking, only at sports events, he wrote me an email saying that he probabaly shouldn't go there, but he was attracted to me--and more than just physically (as I'm sure all guys say!). I was also attracted to him, and said so, but also that nothing would happen because I was happily married and so was he.
We did continue to talk for a little while, and he was always complimenting me and "helping" me deal with problems. It didn't take long for me to realize that what attracted me to this guy was the way he made me feel about myself. Yes, my hubby says the same things daily, but it was the "newness" of the relationship with this guy and the fact that in my head, i liked that people still saw me as attractive and interesting.
Long story short, I called my best friend and confessed, as I was feeling tremendous guilt and she quickly snapped me into place. I pretty much called him and explained that I wasn't attracted to him, but just using that positive energy, if you will, to make myself feel better, but that it was completely inappropriate and while nothing physical happened, I felt it was an insult to my husband for me to behave like that. He didn't say much, but we haven't really spoken since.
Since then, I've devoted more time to myself and my husband and learned new ways to build myself up, but that was a huge scare for me. It's easy to look back now and see how easy it is and can be to cheat on a spouse physically OR emotionally when things in life aren't going right. But it's no excuse. If the tables were turned and I knew my husband talked to another woman like I did--in terms of really opening up--I would be mortified.
I guess my point is that I don't think people just go out and have a physical affair with someone right away (for most). I think it's starts somewhere within yourself, insecurities about looks, age, etc and then you meet someone who provides you with that adrenadline rush and you make a conscious choice to react one way or another.
I know many people will not look favorably on this, but in any relationship I think you have many temptations and you certainly will find other people attractive. But at the end of the day, I think it's your commitment to the other person and belief in yourself and relationship that will determine what will or will not happen. And we have to own up to those choices.
Needless to say, I still have a lot to work on, but I will never put myself in that position again. People always go on about physical affairs, and those are horrible, but I think the emotional affairs can be just as painful and destructive. I'd be interested it the statistics on those. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 11:04 am |
^ thanks for sharing your story Diver chick. I totally understand how easy it can be to cheat and i give you props for not letting things get out of hand. It can be easy for a woman to cheat when another man is showing attraction and affection to you. It makes you feel good that somebody else is finding you attractive. I think that everybody likes a bit of attention. I can say I am guilty of that. For example when I go out with my girlfriends to a bar or nightclub I'd dress good, do my hair and make-up real nice and I'll get alot of heads turning and guys talking to me. I dont let things get out of hand though and i do tell the guys I have a bf of 3 yrs, however, I must admit I like the attention and knowing that other guys find me attractive. Since my bf doesnt always compliment me as much as the beginning of our relationship, and after a while of being together couples often slip into the comfort zone and the romance in the relationship often decreases with it. I sort of like the attention other guys give me, but i wont let things get out of hand. I think that with women, cheating is more psychological... they are having affairs to boost up self-esteem, while when guys cheat it's more physical. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 11:09 am |
Thanks for not pointing a poinger at me.
I agree most with the last statement that women do so for psychological reasons, men more physical. I think our society in general teaches women to be insecure with themselves and then men are the ones who judge our worthiness, whereas for men, it's about being the "man" and getting women. Pretty messed up.
I think I learned my lesson. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 12:48 pm |
Everything being stated here is true. Diver Chick, I think that happens more often than not. Women and Men cheat and it is sad. I will confess, I was married for 14 years (been divorced for four now). My husband had a 7 month affair on me and I did not find out for 7 months. Once I did, and he confessed it was over. All this crude came flushing back at me, like it was all my fault. Later he admitted that things were not that bad, he had let the little things build up and never wanted to say anything to upset the apple cart. Long story short, I have learned to check in with my SO and create excitement, like the newness in relationships. Never a sure bet I know, but I never want to be with someone who cheats on me again. It was a horrible experience and still painful to this day. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 2:18 pm |
^ sorry to hear that bergquis. One of the things I'm terrified and paranoid about is loving a guy and devoting years of my life with, and then finding out he cheated. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 3:23 pm |
BC Girl
I hear you. That was not my fear originally when I met my husband. I will tell you the sad thing about it was when I met him he had been in a long term relationship previously for 7 years in which his girlfriend cheated on him and a regular basis. He told me how aweful it was, and then look what he did to me. Today, it is my fear. My fear is like you said, devoting and spending time (years) with someone who ends up cheating. My problem, is it not enough of a fear not to continue to pursue relationships. Advice? |
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Thu May 18, 2006 4:30 pm |
I am watching an episode of oprah right now and she said that 1 in 4 marriages, either a husband or wife will have an affair. |
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Thu May 18, 2006 4:40 pm |
bergquis, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation (and anyone else who is/has been in a similar situation as well). What a horrible feeling. I don't know the answer to your question. As people, we need relationships/compaionships and the affection that comes with it. However at the same time, as you mention, you need to make sure you're on the same page as your SO - if you don't grow together, you'll grow apart.
I start to wonder if as a society, we are starting to embrace adultery as socially acceptable. Could it be yet another aspect that values/morals are diminishing amongst us ... I don't know. |
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Fri May 19, 2006 7:23 am |
ulana
I often wonder that myself. Time and time again I hear about people having affairs and blaming it on the other person. Well, they didn't love me enough, well they were not there for me emotionally. Blah Blah Blah. Get out of the relationship if you are not happy, or fix it. You once loved this person, so how can you be so cold. I don't believe that every man is a cheater, I put a period w/ my ex husband. His loss. Thank you for you kind words of support. I will find it, |
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Fri Jun 16, 2006 6:38 pm |
I suspected my DH was cheating on me before we were married. Although I didn't have any concrete proof, I just had this gut feeling but could not call him on it. Two weeks before our wedding I got an annonymous phonecall from a woman telling me that I should think twice before marrying this guy as he was cheating on me. When I confronted him with this he denied it flat out. Said it never happened. Being the stressed out bride-to-be I didn't want to deal with it. We married. When I became pregnant he changed into a different person. Became distant, no sex, began spending hours away from home in the evenings etc. I was 99.9% sure he was screwing around and he was, with my best friend. He still denied it and even when he came home with scratches on his back he siad I had scratched him. He wasen't exciting enough for me to claw him up so I knew. Long story short, we are still married with a beautiful young child but that is all there is between us, this child. I still cannot find the courage to end it. One day....
men oink! |
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Sat Jun 17, 2006 10:49 am |
All the best to you and your child GKnee |
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Sat Jun 17, 2006 8:43 pm |
The newness of a relationship can be intoxicating. People expect it to last, and when it doesn't... instead of working on what they already have, some people go searching for that rush again and cheat. It's happened to me, and it was painful.
My ex cheated, and then left me for his trainer (~ 2 years ago) and they're getting married next week. (That's another whole story, but I really have moved on and am happy for them). Anyway, after that breakup I was devestated and depressed and just didn't know how to function. I would go to work and put on a happy, professional face, but I would be crying in the car on my way there, and as soon as I got in my car at the end of the day the tears would start flowing again. For a month, every non-working hour was spent laying in bed watching Netflix, crying, or sleeping.
I started to see this amazing therapist, and one of the things she told me (which I'll totally butcher, sorry) is that you can't know it's love, not lust, until it's been at least 2 months; and you can't know it's lasting love until it's been 18 months to a year. The explanation had to do with brain chemistry, and how it changes the longer you're with a person.
Granted, there are people who fall in love and get married a week after they've met and live happily ever after... but it really helped explain to me patterns of past relationships (both mine, and my friends'), and how things can be so hot and heavy and wonderful, and then completely just fall apart after ~ 2 or 3 months, and how so many relationships fall apart after a year and a half together.
Once you shift out of new, and into longterm... it can be different. How you weather that change says alot about the people as individuals, and the strength of the couple.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this. It's just something that I think a lot about. And I'm by NO means saying that these are time frame for anybody. It just makes sense when I apply it to my past, and it gives me something to think about going forward. |
_________________ 29--oily somewhat acneic skin, hazel eyes, long dark brown hair |
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Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:32 am |
^ I think your therapist is absolutely right. I've been with my ex, we recently broke up... been together for 3 yrs. The first months of our relationship were wonderful, even the first year was just perfect. But after that, gradually things started to fall apart with every year. |
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