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Fri Jun 02, 2006 11:59 am  |
| I dont really have anybody to talk to about this subject, and this might not be the best place for discussion about this. But I have a boyfriend of 3 yrs who i suspect of cheating. He usually calls me everyday and before he goes to bed. Well last night he didnt call me all night while i wait for his phone call. I couldnt reach him because his cell phone only allows outgoing calls at this moment. And also i've noticed he had changed his appearance when I saw him this morning. He usually is the type to not shave etc. But today I had noticed he shaved, even his "southern region" which i found quite shocking. I asked him about cheating, but ofcourse he denies it and got hysterical when I even mentioned it. I dont know what to think right now, just dont really know how to cope with situations like this. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 12:20 pm |
I don't know him, and certainly don't want to make a judgement call, but..... If they all of a sudden make changes like that, without you prompting it or talking to you about it, I'd absolutely be thinking the way you are.. Been there, it's a heart-breaker...
Go with your 'gut', I find mine is never wrong...
I'm not saying to just call it off, or accuse him of all kinds of things, but be aware of everything... Do what you have to do, to make sure.. You don't want to make a snap decision and find out that you're wrong after all the time you have invested in this relationship...
Good luck hon.. I hope you're wrong, but do be prepared... |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 2:05 pm |
I have to second that. Usually a woman's first feeling is the right one. It's just that we start to rationalise it all and then convince ourselves that we are wrong.
I've been cheated on by a former boyfriend and he also played the dramatics when I asked him about it. I thought that he was doing this at the time because he was "so upset" that I wouldn't trust him or that I didn't believe him. It turns out that the drama displayed is because they don't know how else to react. They've been caught and the best way for them to weasel out of it is to overreact, yell and deny it. In my experience a sudden change or a desire to change in appearance is one clue. Your gut feeling is another. And third when he is asked about it he gets hysterical.
I would look into this further. I didn't at the time and stuck around for 6 months (with horrible suspicions the entire time) only to find out that my first feeling was right all along. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 2:30 pm |
I just called up one of his friends that he told me he was with last night. He said he just hung out at his friend's house and went home at around 10. Turns out him and some buddies went to a concert last night and stayed till around 2am.
| Quote: |
| Usually a woman's first feeling is the right one. It's just that we start to rationalise it all and then convince ourselves that we are wrong. |
I couldnt agree with you more. I always find myself rationalizing things and making things seem better than it is. My gut feeling tells me something is not right and i just pray to god that my gut is wrong.  |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 2:50 pm |
| Hi BCgirl, sorry to hear about this, it sounds like something is up with him, but I was just thinking - maybe he feels guilty about spending time with and having fun with his friends in stead of spending time with you? It is difficult to guess when you don't know the person. Did you comment on his shaving? If he was trying to hide something from you, he would try to look like everything is just like usual wouldn't he? |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 2:52 pm |
I hate that you are in this position. Guys lie for their friends often. Mine did. His friends backed up his stories. That's why I thought that I was wrong and stayed with the guy for 6 months more. It wasn't until I saw the guy with this girl (while I was out to dinner with my parents) that his lies were uncovered. I should have believed in myself when I first thought that he was cheating.
Your boyfriends friend might lie for him but that doesn't explain your gut feeling or his new desire to look different. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:06 pm |
| Anna_in_Sweden wrote: |
| Guys lie for their friends often. |
Amen sista!!! Unfortunately, so do girls...
I did the same thing, stuck with it, even tho I 'knew' in my gut, and had evidence.. I chose to be blind to it, for more than 6 months I hate to admit... I will never do that gain! That was my one and only experience with cheating, and I don't want to ever experience it again.. {It did turn out the guy has a SEVERE sex problem/* spam alert *... And he's still doing the same stuff to all that have followed me and those before me}
Anyway, my point is the same as Anna's, you can't just believe what someone 'tells' you, because it's what you want to hear...
Again, I don't want to sound like this is cut and dried, just want you to be aware of all the possibilities and not close your eyes to what could possibly be a bad situation...
I've learned the heart DOES lie, the gut never does... |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:35 pm |
"He said he just hung out at his friend's house and went home at around 10. Turns out him and some buddies went to a concert last night and stayed till around 2am."
It sounds like your boyfriend and his friend have conflicting stories. If he hung out at his friends house until 10 why was another story that they were at a concert until 2am? Did I misread this?
And also, how does one do those quote things? I see them at the top of each post but when I click on it the entire message shows up. I don't want the whole message I want a part of it. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:00 pm |
| ^ my boyfriend "told" me that he was at his friends house just sitting around and doing nothing. However, I wasnt sure I beleived his story so I called his friend and asked him what my boyfriend was doing and his friend said they went to a concert. So two totally clashing stories, and I beleive his friend. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:07 pm |
Anna.. after you click on quote, then just delete the parts you don't want, making sure you KEEP the quote thingies...
Uh huh.. totally different stories.. Me thinks they should have communicated better, before speaking... But then that's the type of thing that will always get someone caught.. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:25 pm |
I agree with Kiki and Anna totally, but to their comments I would add....
You have a 3 year relationship during which he calls you every day and before he goes to bed  . If he's not cheating, maybe he just wants a break from what must now be an obligation/routine of those phone calls  He could well be feeling smothered. You need to talk to him.
Anya |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:28 pm |
Maybe he's just afraid because he didn't invite you to the concert and forgot to tell his friend that it was a secret. This would be a much more innocent explanation than cheating.
Now, the shaving thing is a bit disconcerting... Benefit of the doubt is that he's always wanted to try it and just got around to doing it. It's a pretty conspicuous thing to do if he were hiding anything.
Only you know whether you can stay with him while you "observe" his behavior. If you to choose to stick it out, however, I'd make sure you were protected. Hate to be so blunt but your health comes above all else.
Good luck through this. |
_________________
36, skin in a "new" phase? Oil/break-out free but now having bouts of sensitivity and surface dehydration. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 4:38 pm |
^ thx
I wouldnt be mad if he went to the concert... but the whole shaving thing is really suspicious to me. I dont know why he would feel the need to do that, i've been really busy this past week so i havent see him since last weekend but we kept in touch by him calling me. I'm not with him 24/7 so i dont know what he is doing or seeing at all times. I just wish i could trust him but I cant because i've caught him lying about something else before and he acted the same way as he is now. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:24 pm |
I am so sorry. I really am. I've been there and it feels like a swift kick in the teeth. I get the impression that you already know the answer for yourself. If you feel suspicious such as you are and he has lied in the past then I think that you have every right to feel that he is doing this again. It might be a different lie but the reaction is the same.
Just be safe. If he isn't cheating then you don't have anything to lose. If he is and you don't protect yourself (healthwise) then you could have a lot to lose. I got lucky with my cheating ex boyfriend and that I didn't catch anything. I do however know a woman who caught Herpes from her cheating husband and now even though she divorced him she is also stuck with the STD for life. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:29 pm |
[quote="BCgirlI just wish i could trust him but I cant because i've caught him lying about something else before and he acted the same way as he is now.[/quote]
To me, that says RED FLAG, all over the place... If you feel you can't trust him because of a past experience {only once?} then it's doubtful that will change..
I'm not saying it can't be worked thru, there are a lot of successful relationships that have worked thru bad times, whatever they have been.. But, only you can decide if it's worth it to you and if you feel you will ever be able to trust him 100% in the future...
I really am so sorry you're going thru this... I wouldn't wish anything like this on anyone... |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:58 pm |
thanks everybody for understanding... really means alot.
At the moment I am not talking to him because I am steamed. This guy who has wanted to go out on a date with me for the longest time always wants to get together but I never gave him a chance. He is very attractive, should I hang out with him tomorrow night and just go have diner as friends? It's the weekend, i just feel miserable staying at home and feeling hurt. |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 6:38 pm |
| Hi BCgirl, not sure if that is a good idea don't give your BF something to take against you... Go out with your other girlfriends. Or do go out with your attractive guy friend but hang out with other people at the same time so it doesn't look like a date. Coz if you make it look like a date, there's no turning back, it might open pandora's box; with you getting your already complicated feelings more mixed up, and your BF getting mad about this if he ever finds out |
_________________
31, Combination normal-dry skin, loves CSRx, PSF, A'kin, Decleor, ACV, Jojoba oil! |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 9:25 pm |
Aside from asking him what he did the night prior, did you ask him about his new shave and what sparked it?
I agree with joziegrozy on probably not the best idea to go out with this attractive friend. Whatever your bf's actions are, you don't want it to backfire on you if/when you find out more. Plus, it may send the wrong message and put you in a situation you may not want to be in. I think going out and having a weekend with the girls would be a great way to go! |
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Fri Jun 02, 2006 9:56 pm |
| anya wrote: |
I agree with Kiki and Anna totally, but to their comments I would add....
You have a 3 year relationship during which he calls you every day and before he goes to bed . If he's not cheating, maybe he just wants a break from what must now be an obligation/routine of those phone calls He could well be feeling smothered. You need to talk to him.
Anya |
I agree with anya on this. You really won't know for sure until you ask him about the lying. Lying isn't all right regardless, though, and you should confront him on this. I mean, you've been together three years, that's a long time. You should be open with each other.
AS for the shaving, can you be sure that perhaps he wasn't trying to make himself more appealing to you? Just between you and me, my boyfriend shaves his lowers when he's feeling saucy.
I dunno, I guess having gone through something like this not long ago with my bf of 2.5 yrs, him not calling when I thought he should, him not wanting to do something with me on a particular night-- it made me sad, mad, and confused, but I confronted him, and it had to do with health problems he'd been trying to keep from me (he has a chronic pain disorder). You just need to ask him. Before you go crazy. |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 10:50 am |
| Quote: |
| Aside from asking him what he did the night prior, did you ask him about his new shave and what sparked it? |
Yes i did ask him but he just said "whatever, it's no big deal" and got mad and hysterical when I talked more about it.
As for calling everyday etc. is pretty much expected from both of us. If I wasnt picking up my phone when he called he would think something was'nt right either. When I confronted him about not calling me that other night and that his friend told me he was at a concert, he then admitted to going to the concert and got pissed because I called his friend.  I havent talked to him since that conversation but I did go out with my friend to the club last night... didnt really have a good time because I kept thinking about the whole situation and how crushed I feel. Ended up leaving early. |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:14 pm |
| That fact that he dismisses you like that shows that even if he isn't cheating, he doesn't have much respect for you. If he did he would not use words like "whatever it's no big deal" when you are voicing concern. He would try to make you understand what his reason was in a calm and repectful manner. Getting mad and hysterical and throwing aside your concerns shows a serious immaturity on his part. The only reason that he is mad that you called his friend is because his lies are being uncovered. You mentioned that he hasn't been truthful in the past either. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You have every right to distrust him. His response and demeanor wouldn't make me think that he was telling the truth either. |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:26 pm |
I totally agree with Anna.. You have reason for big concerns, even if he isn't cheating.. He's disrespecting you and your feelings.. This is something that I wonder if it has been going on, or is it new behavior.. If it's been going on, I'd say it will only get worse.. For sure, no better.. If it's just started, there is a reason for it.. If he cared/loved you in the right way, he would never treat you and your feelings like that. .
I wish you weren't going thru this, but remember, you have to respect yourself and decide that you are worth being treated so much better... Don't settle.. |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:11 pm |
Wow - that's not a healthy response for him for your relationship, especially one of 3 years. Whatever's come up has caused the two of you to be on separate pages, even if it's temporary.
Who knows, it could have been a dare, something someone said or something he saw. Or maybe he was out getting a "special" photo shot for you Could there be any other explanations aside from concluding that there is another person? |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 5:55 pm |
| Hire a private detective and find out for yourself . |
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Sat Jun 03, 2006 9:55 pm |
| Make sure you wear a condom if you sleep with him again! Maybe he shaved because he got crabs! |
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