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Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:08 pm  |
Hi All,
I've been with this guy for almost a year. He is divorced and he has a child. I love him. He is the first man that I've ever loved. Unfortunately, I can't rely on him. For those of you who've had relationships is it normal to have your guy tell you he'll call you back and he doesn't? There have been a few times where he'd tell me he was going to call me back and he didn't. I just get the sense that I can't rely on him. For example, Thursday he called and I called him 10 min. later. I didn't hear from him until the next day. Then Friday, he called (both times I'd been at work), and told me he'd "try" to call me later. It made me wonder...we hadn't talked the day before and in the morning he had already decided that he might not have time to talk to me on Friday too? I waited until 5:30 p.m. and texted him. He called me an hour later. Telling me how he just got out of a meeting and he was late for picking up his daughter so forth. I told him my concerns and he stated that he'd misspoke he didn't mean that way and he was short with me cuz it was a hard day. I told him fine then we could talk about it later. He said that if he didn't call lastnight than he'd call me today. Btw, we had talked about meeting this weekend. He didn't call today...so I called and left a message telling him that he acts like he has no responsibilty or obligation to me. He gets upset when I state that this doesn't seem like a serious relationship, but he's the one that isn't reliable.
This question begs to be asked...am I overreacting? Or do you think that if you're in a relationship that the other person has some sort of responsibility to you? |
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Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:28 pm |
| Here's my take on this situation: Since this is the first guy you have ever loved, it's obviously hard for you to picture leaving him, so you've probably been cutting him some slack in areas where you really shouldn't. Paint it any color you like, but the bottom line is that this guy isn't making you a priority. Maybe his life is just so crazy with work and his daughter that he's just unable to make you a priority, OR maybe he just thinks that he can treat you however he likes and you won't do anything about it. Either way is bad news, IMO. You aren't overreacting; this guy needs a reality check. I think you should let him know that he can either pick up the slack and treat you like you are a meaningful part of his life, OR he can hit the road. But you have to be prepared to follow through if he continues to treat you badly. I know the prospect of being on your own is unpleasant, but you're a warm, wonderful person and you deserve to find someone who WILL make you a priority. Just my two cents... |
_________________
27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
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Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:41 pm |
| I'm going to quote what my sister's ex said to her, "Why didn't you call? Were your fingers broken? I'm not here for your convenience" (it's kind of funny cuz he said it to her and not the other way around). What I'm trying to get at, is that he's taking you for granted. You shouldn't have to take a backseat to everything. |
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Sat Jun 24, 2006 6:55 pm |
Has it always been this way or just in the last while? Is he spending a lot of time with his child? Does he return calls and fulfill commitments with his friends? Trust your instincts, does he still act as if he loves you?
If he isn't communicating, as hard as it may be, cool things a little on your end. Maybe he just needs time to think about some things but he needs to be respectful of your love and let you know. Even if he's the type to not share his thoughts and feelings out loud, he should be able to answer a direct question from you. |
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Sat Jun 24, 2006 10:39 pm |
Well I think you guys really need to talk about this if it's an issue for you. Both people should listen to each other, if he was in a meeting at work then obviously he couldn't have called you. But if he was doing nothing then obviously he's in the wrong. I'd also understand if his daughter is more of a priority (it depends on how long you two have been going out). But like I always say to my bf "Would you ever be too busy to go to the bathroom? If not then you can't be too busy to call me back because it only takes a minute to call and let me know that you're busy doing something and you'll call me back as soon as you're free"
I think we should be understandable when our bfs are busy but I think they should be responsible enough to at least leave a message letting us know that they ARE going to be busy, especially if they promised to call back. |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 7:29 am |
| Food for thought: If you stopped calling him, would he call you? Why not give it a try? (I know that it wouldn't be easy for you -- I have been there --, but that could be the only way to find out if he is «into you».) |
_________________
Mid 40's, normal to oily skin, blackheads, occasional breakouts |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 10:47 am |
Has he ever indicated he loves you too? Since this is the first man you've ever loved, I'm wondering if you are being too "needy"? He did call you Thursday and Friday and the fact that you were'nt able to take his calls at the time, isn't his fault. It sounds from what you've said that he has demands on his time - his daughter (who will always come first)his job, not to mention friends, family, and time for himself. I think you are over-reacting and I'd do like Linnie suggested, and hold off calling him again and see if he calls you anytime soon. If he doesn't then you know you're not a priority.
Anya |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 12:40 pm |
| Men are just a totally different species I think and are at times not as thoughtful as we would like. Does that mean that your BF doesn't love you? Of course not. He may not even realize how much this bothers you. Or, it probably wouldn't bother him that much if you forgot to call that he doesn't see it as a big deal. I've known many guys that called their SO incessantly to the point of it being obsessive and controlling and at other times it was done out of guilt because they were actually being unfaithful. So my advice is to look at the bigger picture. If his only flaw is that his phone calls are infrequent or untimely than cut him some slack. No one is perfect. If on the other hand he is totally dismissive with you and always neglects you than that is a different issue. My advice? Talk to your BF and open the lines of communication. As outsiders we can only guess what is really going on, or go on personal experience which is probably totally different than your own. Only you can tell for sure what is really going on so talk it through with him, tell him how you feel, understand his side and go from there. Speculation can always lead one into trouble so it's better to just be honest and open with each other. The truth may hurt sometimes but it will always set you free! |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:30 pm |
| I have a very minor alternative story to tell- because I've been through ALL of that with my boyfriend- who had ADD when he was a child. He still retains a lot of his attention wandering traits, but for the most part, he's just a very responsible and busy man- which is sometimes frustrating for the girl who doesn't have as much priorities and adult responsibilities as her significant other. Would that be it? Of course, don't hesitate to tell him how you feel about the way he's always on the run with something or other- with as many inappropriate words as possible. |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 8:10 pm |
Wow! You guys...I'm speechless you all have given such good advice. Thank you!
Manslayerliz:
Yes, I didn't feel like I was being much of a priority to him. You're also right...the thought of not having him in my life does scare me. This has been a point of contention for me. At times, it's been a little better and at other times...it can be a bit frequent. 
Yen:
I agree...his fingers look quite intact to me. 
Roadbee:
It can happen a couple of times a week. It has gotten a little better but that's because we've argued about it so much. As far as his friends, it might not be any different with them either.There are times that he is a bit rushed and short with me. it may be because he has alot on his mind, but I do think he loves me. It's just the fact he can be irresponsible that really annoys me.
Sormuimui:
I agree it only takes a minute to tell someone what's going on.
Linnie:
He's the one that tends to call me first. Yes, he'll call if I don't.
Anya:
Yes, I can be a bit needy when it comes to him. Yes, I agree his daughter will always come first. I was just tired of coming in last. He has told me he loves me.
Wildflower:
You're right. I did talk to him today.
FrevaKZ:
There is alot on his plate, but I don't think he may have ADD.
Ok...So I did talk to him today and he told me he wasn't upset. He really tried to put himself in my place and figure out why I was feeling the way I was (good sign). He told me again that he had misspoke that day and he did mean to call me. It's been pretty frequent that he'd me that he was going to call me back but didn't that it just became such a aggrevation. He acknowledge that maybe I need more communication from him. 
Thank you ladies for all you help! You all had such good advice to give. |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 8:54 pm |
I think guys just don't view phone conversation as important as girls do. My boyfriend doesn't like to talk on the phone, and, yes, sometimes I'll get aggravated when I call him and he doesn't answer. We always talk on the phone at least once a day, though, and it's usually around the same time , like when one of us is on lunch, or when we get home from work. It seems like it's an unwritten rule that if we miss the lunch call, the get-out-of-work call is a given. Why not set aside a time when you're both available and willing to have a chat? Just ask him when it's a good time to call. Also, I wouldn't take it too seriously. We are girls and we overeact about things like missed phone calls. I'd also like you to know that it took my boyfriend and I a long time to work up to the phone-call-a-day thing. When we first started going out it was once a week, then when we were at the point you're at with your bf, maybe once every other day.
Try not to worry so much! |
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Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:18 pm |
Violetanne:
It's good to know another's perspective on this calling thing. And believe me...I've always been a worrier. I gotta cut that out I'm going to make myself age that much quicker! |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 9:33 am |
| Quote: |
[quote="skincarefreak"] . . .
This question begs to be asked...am I overreacting? Or do you think that if you're in a relationship that the other person has some sort of responsibility to you? |
You absolutely have to read this book: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt.
See at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/068987474X/sr=8-1/qid=1151338815/ref=sr_1_1/002-1622764-0876805?ie=UTF8
I saw him on Oprah one time and couldn't get to the bookstore fast enough. This book makes SO much sense. It will answer all of your questions about relationships/quasi-relationships. At times it felt like I was getting slapped in the face while reading it, but I guess the cold hard truth can be a little shocking. (At least it snapped me out of the denial mode!) IMHO, every female should read/own this book!  |
_________________
Me: NOT Fabulous 50--recent surgically-induced menopause, aging/sagging skin, life-long acne issues, hyperpigmentation. Seeking solutions~possibly even Holy Grail! |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 11:15 am |
Hi Seeking HG:
I already have....Plus "Be Honest you're not into him either" and "Why Men Love Bitches." Yes, I look through the self-help section... 
My point is that I've dated guys that fall into that category, but I don't think he does. I just think he's irresponsible when calling back. I see him regularly and he atleast calls to say hello everyday. Most of the time he calls me. |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:06 pm |
I only mentioned the book because it helps you sort out the difference between the men who really ARE into you, and the men who just lead you on or don't really know what they want. Just remember, the books says that if a guy is really "into you", nothing will stand in his way of being with you/talking to you/sharing life with you. No excuses about missed/forgotten phone calls would even be necessary. I read the book a long time ago, but I remember these words of wisdom--Don't waste your time on guys who just aren't that into you, because you deserve a guy who is TOTALLY into you, and you will know him when he enters your life. I'm not trying to be harsh or hurtful, but I had to start looking at things differently since reading the book. No more making excuses for a man's lack of attentiveness or "inconsiderate behaviors." It's either real, or it's not. And no more compromising--no more relationships where I'm waiting around for him to want the relationship as much as I do.  |
_________________
Me: NOT Fabulous 50--recent surgically-induced menopause, aging/sagging skin, life-long acne issues, hyperpigmentation. Seeking solutions~possibly even Holy Grail! |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:43 pm |
| Maybe that is something to consider, but in the same respect...and I'm not talking about my bf, I think it's difficult to say that someone that's into you will always be availabe. For example, a month ago I wasn't able to see him as much as liked to...why? Because my mother was in a car accident and I was there to help her. Could you say that I wasn't into him? No. I just had something on my plate that needed to be tended to first. |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 1:09 pm |
| Linnie wrote: |
| Food for thought: If you stopped calling him, would he call you? Why not give it a try? (I know that it wouldn't be easy for you -- I have been there --, but that could be the only way to find out if he is «into you».) |
Like Dr. Phil said, love is a game that has to be played constantly, make him chase you instead of being the chaser. |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 2:36 pm |
I think you need to re-read "he's just not that into you".
You've been dating for a year? Someone asked if he told you he loves you- I missed your answer (sorry, I'm in a hurry and don't have time to re-read). Have you told him that you love him?
Please stop naggin him. You cannot change people. Observe what he does and then decide if he is someone you want to be with. Do you feel cherished, adored? If not then maybe you need to reconsider. I repeat: Please do not nag him. It will make you appear insecure and too needy and men hate that. Keep yourself busy and happy.
Read "Why Men Love Bitches". |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 5:53 pm |
guys are like that..... trust me.....
also the fact that we, women are nagging them for such things really does not help. i am friends with a lot of guys (coz of my fields), and i know how they are. i agree with lily, dont nag him.. the more women nag, the more guys just got fed up with it.
i know a cuple of guys who broke up with their gfs because the gfs call them too much. just put yourself in his shoes, would you want somebody nagging you about something after a long day of work? |
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Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:42 pm |
I agree nagging isn't a good thing...I don't want to remind him of his mom 
I know I need to cool it down a bit also. Thanks |
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Tue Jun 27, 2006 5:51 pm |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
I agree nagging isn't a good thing...I don't want to remind him of his mom
I know I need to cool it down a bit also. Thanks |
i hope everything works out the best for you. i did not mean to be very hard on you.... <big hug>
love is complicated... i used to wish i could have an arranged marriage. hahahhaha |
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Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:28 pm |
Roadtonowhere,
No you were great! Thank you. I wanted to see if I was being too hard on him. Yes love is complicated.
It's funny you say that...my mother wanted to have me marry a man of her choosing. ofcourse at that time, i was pretty young. There are times I wonder if that would have been better.  |
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Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:40 pm |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
| It's funny you say that...my mother wanted to have me marry a man of her choosing. ofcourse at that time, i was pretty young. There are times I wonder if that would have been better. |
I've often thought that as well. My mother does have a pretty good instinct afterall.  And an arranged marriage would save us all the time of sorting through so many useless men. LOL  Ahhh, but the hunt and challenge are too much fun to pass up I guess. What a dilemma! |
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Tue Jun 27, 2006 10:09 pm |
Yes Wildflower...the funny thing is I won't tell her that I think that way now. I'll never hear the end of it.  |
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Wed Jun 28, 2006 2:08 am |
| just remember, everything you feel is relevant. if something bothers you, talk about it, don't nag just talk. if he isn't ready to talk, leave him alone. if he's never ready to talk, then leave altogether. you deserve to be happy. from what you say, it sounds like he trying. |
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