relationship advice please-urgent!
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free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:50 am

I'm an sbsolute nightmare, and need advice. I've been with my BF nearly a year but we just split yesterday. He made the final decision, but i feel I unconsciously pushed him towards it. Even though the relationship has been the best and closest I have ever had, I have done the ultimately female thing and over analysed. Even though I knew he totally loved me to bits and treated me like a queen, I would pick at things in my head, example- I'm very ambitious, he's not- so I'd think to myself "Oh maybe he's not the one for me, because he's not as ambitious as me" bla, bla, bla. Now I'm thinking "Oh F**k!" I've let somebody who totally adored me get away.
He's got to a stage where he's pissed off with me being selfish, but that is something that I'm happy to ammend. We have'nt had any problems apart from this.Now in hindsight I feel I've been so stupid, worrying about things that may never happen.
The main issue for me during our relationship was that I was worried that there was an undrlying problem. But now with hindsight, I think I was probably an over-analysing idiot, and have too high expectations!
But how do I know which one is correct?
If it is the latter, what should I do?
I'm always worried about making the wrong decision, and that's whats probably got me into this mess!
Any help appreciated!

free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 11:33 am

not sure if im addressing the right issue you asked, but i think the problem is just how you look at it or value it.. that you are more ambitious than your bf.

i have this problem with some of my bfs too and it used to bug me, that i was more ambitious and they were not.. but i know thats the more "traditional" side of me (the values my traditional mom & society drilled into me to prefer) so it doesnt affect me as much as before. before it was really important to me, but as i get older it doesnt matter as much after i realized why i valued ambition in the first place. i think you have to ask yourself questions like how much does his lack of ambition affect YOU yourself etc. to really figure it out. what helped me get over that was realizing that i dont really need someone who is ambitious or makes a lot of money because i am really fine with getting all that and taking care of it myself. my friends, family and coworkers can share my drive of the ambition thing in life, whereas my bf can be the "soft spot" supportive and comforting in life. realistically, i dont think there is somebody who has or is everything i want, the total package in life (cause that is a LOT of preferences to match up with!). and even if it was a money issue (or preparing for future money issues) i would still totally rely on myself and not even include his in projections. i wouldnt want to rely on anyone for money or future in the first place other than myself.

but if you realize that you value ambition because you do rely (or expect) on the other half for money or contribution then.. you should be with someone who matches your values and standards. theres nothing wrong with standards!

but honestly i think finding the combo you are looking for is very very difficult to find --ive been searching myself. meeting a guy with the right balance of career/ambition/money and good personality/values/affection is like winning the lottery. usually (well in my experiences,) if they are ambitious/career oriented then they are really cold in the personality/values department and their ego sucks up all the warmth to nuture itself (i mean they are more selfish or only look out for themselves lol). ive run into this type of guy way too much over the years, it really turns me off. i would rather go for the good personality/values than for the career and ambition.. i think that matters the most in the end. actually, how they treat you is what matters the most in the end!

but if you want to get back with your bf then just acknowledge that you were selfish and be more content with what you two have? if you have MORE issues than the ambition thing then you should think more deeply what is best for you or clearly define at what point you draw the line.

free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 8:38 pm

I used to over think relationships too. And it always ended up with the guy breaking up with me because I was driving him nuts. I think when this happens your instinct is to try desparately to hold on to what you've been pushing away. I think you need to step back and take a deep breath. Since he's the one who broke it off...maybe call him in a few days to apologize (if you think you need too). I'd keep it short and sweet and no begging. Then ask if you can call him again in a few weeks to say hello. This'll give you time to get past the shock part and to really think about whether his guy is who you want to fight for.

Now that I've found the man I will marry next year...I've NEVER over thought the relationship ever. When we get married we'll have been dating for 7 years and friends for 3 years before that. So, that's a long time without having any doubts that he's the one I want. He's far from perfect but I've never thought that I'm settling for someone just because I have too high expectations. And I still have very high expectations Very Happy

free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:55 pm

I think smqueen has some good advice for you to think about. I think, in the end, how they treat you while you date them is a huge indictator of your potential future. Of course, that's if you have a longish dating period. If you date only for a year and then marry, well, I would be hesitant to predict if the man you marry will still treat you like a queen for the rest of your lives together. Men can be on their best behavior for awhile before you start to see the little clues that they may not continue to be so great....

I will say, though, that if you were concerned about his lack of ambition in comparison to yours, you should really think about this hard. Fast forward about 15 years. Would you be happy being the main bread winner? Would he be happy and fully supportive of your career and personal goals? You sound like a person who likes to continue to challenge and grow personally. Does he? Do you think he will continue to grow alongside you?

I think it's important to consider how you might be or where you want to be in 20 years. I have a sister-in-law who is the bread winner in the family and her husband stays home. She is not the type to be a stay-at-home mom so it works for her but I see her sometimes treat her husband with less respect. He's never had a long-term steady job so I think they were both relieved when they finally agreed that he would stay home and take care of the kids. I sometimes wonder if she's unhappy about her less-than-ambitious husband because she makes negative comments about him (with him present sometimes) in front of her family. I cringe every time she does it.

There are many clues when your dating someone of how life will be like farther down the road after you've been married a long time. It's good to look at the relationship and person objectively to decide if it's good for you. If you can deal with the person's negative traits and you realize that you can't really change that person but you love your man for who he is -- warts and all -- then maybe he's the one for you. If you secretly think you can change him once you marry or that he will change just because he loves you, that's a big red flag.

No person or relationship is perfect. You'll never find the perfect man with the perfect ambitious/personality combo. BUT, I'm sure there is the perfect man FOR YOU out there! Do you think your ex is that man?

free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 9:57 pm

I know what you mean by the 'lack of ambition'. I've dated a few different types of guys. I've dated the guy who works 24/7...not fun, b/c I wasn't a priority. I've also dated the type of guy who is content with a mediocre job like...oh, I dunno...bartender. You need a guy in the middle...one that wants to go somewhere, and more importantly wants to go somewhere with you on his side!!

I've got a guy friend who has dumped girls b/c they were happy working as a cashier and had no ambition to do anything else. He told me it makes the relationship a bit boring...and he questions how someone who is content with so little can understand/support the fact that he wants to expand and explore?

Just some stuff to think about....I don't think ambition has to be financial...it's about having dreams and attempting to acheive them.

free skin care · Tue Jul 18, 2006 11:35 pm

preenie...My advice is...tell him what you've just told us. And take it from there...

free skin care · Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:17 am

Thank you all for your advice, it's fabulous!!

A couple of bits stuck out most, ecspecially what smqueen said. There are things I really need to think about, but also put things into perspective.
The point Leanne made about her guy friend, struck a chord!! Embarassed

I hate myself for thinking that kind of thing, I feel like such a snob!!

Anyway to fill you all in, I did call!! Very scary thing for me, I usually just walk.

We had a really good chat, I did as you advised ruth, and basically admitted my faults and aired my worries. The chat was great actually, we seemed to be on the same wave length. The fact of it is he may not be as motivated as me, but he has other qualities which i need. He's sturdy, supportive, caring, loving and much more, which I think somebody who's a little bit of a dreamer and slightly over excitable, needs!!!

It is really nice speaking to people who are in long term relationships. I've learnt that the one you fall for isn't always exactly what you ordered, but it can still be great.
I just think I need to give the guy a bit of a break and enjoy the moment!!
We are going to give it another go and see.
One thing I can say is that I've learnt a lot of lessons this year!!!

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