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Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:35 pm  |
Just wondering what others experiences are with raising teenagers especially girls. I have one. She is 17, tall, beautiful, intelligent, creative, friendly, thoughtful, generous, funny and very sweet.....and then there's this other person that takes her place sometimes and well she is soooo different. She is irritable, argumentative, selfish, bossy, self absorbed, and a complete pain in the a#*. And as much as I totally love her warts & all sometimes the frustration of being the parent and trying to do the right thing just brings me to my knees.
I know I am one of the lucky ones compared to the terrible pain some of my friends are going through ... she's not a wild party girl, not overly obsessed with boys or anything of great concern (excluding the OC & Greys Anatomy), has good moral standards but ... and this is a big BUT she & I have this love/hate thing going on. It started about 12 months ago and has been up & down since. Must be a Mother/Daughter thing. Drives me crazy especially when I am exhausted or flat out with work. Anyway I am hoping for light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I am sure I see a little glimmer.
One experienced friend said to me that one should say "goodbye to teens at 13 and say hello again at 21". Seems a little drasic to me.
Anyway just putting it out there to see where others are at with their teen angels!  |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:02 pm |
My mother-in-law once told me that teenagers are like baby birds. They become more annoying as they grow in order to encourage you to push them out of the nest. It's natures way of preparing you for their departure and you're more ready for them to "fly away". If they were perfect all the time, we'd never want them to leave. Mine is 20 and at college and rather than fly he seems to bounce back as I try to push him away. I have jokingly remarked before that the umbilical cord seems to have become a bungy cord.  |
_________________
Joined the 50 club several years back, blonde w/ fair/sensitive skin, Texas humidity and prone to rosacea, light breakouts and sunburns, combo skin type, starting to see sundamage and fine lines |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 6:45 pm |
| I have a 17 year old boy. But my sister had the same problems you do, and she said everyone she has ever talked to with a teenage daughter goes through it. I know that doesn't help you much, but I thought my might like to know you are not alone and it won't last forever! |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:22 pm |
Hi vava_gurl!
Your daughter sounds like how I used to be with my mother!
I always had a good head on my shoulders, got good grades, was very honest about my partying (for the most part) etc... and had a very trusting relationship with my mother.
and I also had pink hair, lots of peircings... but still worked in a daycare - it all balances out!
but honestly, adolesence is like a disease that everyone grows out of... and from the sounds of it your daughter will come out okay in the end!
right now she needs to test boundaries, and experience the emotional ups and downs of being a teenager.
the best thing for her is to have a solid place to call home (and that she can come back to even after she has majorly messed up!) and a mother who will listen to her (even if she doesn't like what is being said)
looking back I probably terrified my mother (and no doubt was such a pain in the a**!!!) but my mom always has been and always will be my hero. she repected my indivuality and set good (and firm) boundaries.
even though I was a total beligerant b*tch at times, I always respected my mom's opinion (although I wouldn't always tell her that)
and even if I didn't listen to her, I always felt so guilty afterwards that I would have to talk to her about it!
i'm not sure if you find this helpful, but
I assure you, there is light at the end of this tunnel!
the tough part is that you have to go through all this garbage right now.
take care! and good luck! |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:39 pm |
| I agree with lulabelle. I totally gave my parents heck when I was a teenager!!!! But like lulabelle, even when I was fighting with my parents I still respected their opinion, even if I didn't tell them that. Hang in there--- I have a great relationship with my parents now! |
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27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:08 pm |
[quote="lulabelle"]Hi vava_gurl!
Your daughter sounds like how I used to be with my mother!
Oh Lulabelle you are a doll! What a great story... insightful and inspiring!
AnnieR I also think that what your mother-in-law had to say was so apt.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I appreciate your comments and words of wisdom. Life with or without children is a big rollercoaster ride and I would rather take the ride than watch it from a distance.
Afterall "Life is about the journey and not about the destination."
...and off I go to don my armour and head back out on to the battlefield! |
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Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:39 pm |
oh, that's exactly how I was with my mom. Honestly I think you're just so self absorbed when in you're in highschool that it's hard to understand how your moods and conduct might affect someone else...it's not a selfish thing as much as it is just not realizing your own impact. I look back at highschool and am horrified how my friends and I treated each other, not out of meanness, but just out of thoughtlessness.
I was so hot and cold with my mother (mainly cold) but after I was in my 20's she became a best friend. |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:09 am |
You know, I may be 40, but I remember what a total s**t I was to my parents from around 14-19.. but at the same time I could be their "angel" too. And when I look back, I know it was nothing wrong with what they did and nothign wrong with what I did.. it was just that growing phase where I was asserting myself and trying to find out who I was (and I think that is the age we work out - both consciously and unconsciously - which parts of our parents we want to incorporate into ourself and which parts make us cringe). I think all teenages possess a jekyl and hyde personality.
And whilst Annie's comment was frickin' hilarious (bungee cord  ), there is a HUGE truth to it. The parents who cut their kids loose are the ones who get them "back" - with more frequency and sincerity. Some relatives and I were talking about this recently. The cleaner you cut the ties, the stronger those ties become.
Don't worry.. she will come back to you - you might have to wait till she goes away to college (or even till she graduates) but your beautiful intelligent daughter will be back. In the meantime, buy a good lock for the bathroom, some of Candy's bathtime goodies and when your daughter's evil twin is present lock yourself in and switch off ! |
_________________
SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:32 am |
| tiger_tim wrote: |
You know, I may be 40, but I remember what a total s**t I was to my parents from around 14-19.. but at the same time I could be their "angel" too. And when I look back, I know it was nothing wrong with what they did and nothign wrong with what I did.. it was just that growing phase where I was asserting myself and trying to find out who I was (and I think that is the age we work out - both consciously and unconsciously - which parts of our parents we want to incorporate into ourself and which parts make us cringe). I think all teenages possess a jekyl and hyde personality.
And whilst Annie's comment was frickin' hilarious (bungee cord ), there is a HUGE truth to it. The parents who cut their kids loose are the ones who get them "back" - with more frequency and sincerity. Some relatives and I were talking about this recently. The cleaner you cut the ties, the stronger those ties become.
Don't worry.. she will come back to you - you might have to wait till she goes away to college (or even till she graduates) but your beautiful intelligent daughter will be back. In the meantime, buy a good lock for the bathroom, some of Candy's bathtime goodies and when your daughter's evil twin is present lock yourself in and switch off ! |
Tim you are a cracker Luv a good laugh!! I will take that advice on board  [/quote] |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 6:54 am |
| And don't get me wrong, I love being close to him now. We have a great relationship, it's just so hard to get thru those years. Girls have a lot of hormonal issues going on at this age and so their emotions and personality changes can be more extreme. I've spent many an evening talking over parental problems with his (girl)friends and he's spent many a night till late hours on the phone with them. We jokingly called him the "Dr. Phil" of Jr.high school. Now he's a psych major. Anyway, the main thing they want from you is just for you to listen, that's why they talked to me. They just wanted to vent to a nonjudgemental parent/adult. They didn't need me to fix the problem, just be there. The number one problem of girls this age is depression, so emotional verbage is better than apathy. |
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Joined the 50 club several years back, blonde w/ fair/sensitive skin, Texas humidity and prone to rosacea, light breakouts and sunburns, combo skin type, starting to see sundamage and fine lines |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 10:17 am |
Wow, does this bring back memories! I was seventeen and getting ready to graduate high school and go off to college. I was such a "beeeyotch"! My Mom was so needy emotionally, not wanting me to leave and wanting us to get along. And, I was so impatient with her and her needs. Apparently, my Dad (who could be kinda smart sometimes ) told her, "Bea, two women can't live in the same house. You need to let go of her." And, he told her that I was emotionally preparing to untie the knot and it was just the natural order of things. (She told me all this later.)
Well, after my couple of years away, I matured (a little) and Mom became my best friend and it stayed that way til the day she died.
There's hope, guys. Your daughters will probably end up your best friends.
Ari |
_________________
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!" Unknown |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 2:56 pm |
| You have my sympathy vava_gurl, I have 3 daughters, and have been through Hormone Hell with them all, It does get easier, in my case, when they all left home! Now I have a 15 year old grandaughter,and it makes me laugh when I hear her, and her mum arguing, as I did with my mother, and as her mum did with me. Actually, I am pleased my offspring have spirit and passion, but I only appreciate it now that I don't have to hear it every day, to say nothing of the relief of my long suffering husband! |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 4:31 pm |
Here is a good link for an article that discusses norms for teenagers (and when to be concerned!)
I find this article really helpful and refer to this all the time in my work (child protection).
Hopefully it will help to normalize your teens behaviours, explain why they do the things they do and offer comfort that things will turn around... eventually!
http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,4188,00.html |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 5:42 pm |
V,
I feel for you. Scientists now are saying that the young brain is not fully developed until age 25. Add hormones to that equation, and you get an insane idiot (at least that's the way I was alot of the time  ).
My advice comes from a mistake that my mom made years ago that sadly has really left a mark on me:
Remember to balance the disagreements and fights with positive feedback to her. Make sure she knows not only that you love her, but that you also respect her ideas and desires (even though you can't allow her to do everything she wants).
It is also good to take some interest in some of the things that are dear to her, even if they are boring to you or seem immature (of course, don't get overly involved). Someone gave me that advice when I got married, and became stepmom to an eleven-year-old boy( ). I did my best to learn the finer points of professional wrestling  , among other things. By the time he was seventeen, I was learning enough about the sound equipment he used in his punk bank to pick-out the perfect amplifier for his birthday present -- it really helped us to get along during the teen years. Now he is twenty-five and we have a wonderful relationship, and I am so grateful to have gotten that advice! And hey, his brain is finally fully formed!! We made it ! !
-- Bee |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:32 pm |
vava_gurl, I am too young to experience what you're going through, but my mother always reminds me of my pain in the a** days from 13 till I went off to university. And we're super close now  So there is definitely hope. And really, looking back now, I feel horrible for putting my parents through some stuff  but at the time, I felt so mature and thought I knew everything |
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20's: rare pimples and oily T-zone..annoying little blackhead buggers on nose |
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:47 pm |
OMG.. DR. SPOCK! My mother raised ME based on her good old 1960s Dr. Spock book!
ETA: I could not resist popping over to the site and in the bio it said:
During Spock's long lifetime, his book would be translated into 39 languages and sell more than 50 million copies, making it second in sales only to the Bible.  |
_________________
SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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Fri Dec 15, 2006 7:13 am |
I was raised in the sixties too. I remember hearing about Dr. Spock when I was little. One day he was on a talk show, and I was shocked to see that he didn't have pointy ears and eyebrows!!
-- Bee |
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Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:01 pm |
Just enjoy the good moments. Count to ten for the pyscho teen from hell moments. Sounds to me like a perfectly normal teen.
My split personality daughter is now travelling around Australia she has been gone since end of August & I miss her so much. I miss her moaning, her stuff scattered everywhere & her hugs & cracking up with laughter over silly things. |
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50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Sun Dec 17, 2006 6:53 pm |
| As a teenager I have caused a little bit of problems to my parents, as I'm sure every teenager does. It's just a phase they go through with parents. Teens think they know everything and can manage on themselves with out their parents. I'm in my twenties now and not living with my parents and can now appreciate what they have done for me. This is just a phase you and your daughter are going through. Once she gets older she will know to appreciate you more and become more mature. Trust me |
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Sun Dec 17, 2006 7:52 pm |
You are not alone! My daughter is 13 and the description of your daughter fits mine exactly.
I've discussed this with quite a few mothers of teenage daughters (all different ages) and they all describe the same demon that shows up from time to time. While that doesn't offer a solution, it at least gives me some peace of mind that I didn't create this behaviour in my daughter.
You know, she can be so much fun to be with, but it can slip away so quickly. I am looking forward to when my sweet daughter stays for good. |
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Sun Dec 17, 2006 8:59 pm |
| My mom and I are, and always were, very close. However between the ages of um... 14 - 17 I had a tendency to go completely psycho. My advice? Just don't hold a grudge about anything you guys say to each other in your fits, and it'll be fine lol. |
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25, very fair, dry/sensitive, mild rosacea, otherwise good skin! |
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Sun Dec 17, 2006 9:01 pm |
To all you fabulous mothers and incredible daughters...I thank you all for sharing your insight & your experiences. I have gleaned much from your stories, and what I have also learned is that no matter how dire things may appear to be ... it seems a sense of humour has not left your sides And thankfully it is also well and strong in me!  Change is inevitable so I will wait patiently (although not quietly) for the wind to change direction and perhaps if I'm real lucky I will come through this time with my sese of humour in tact and my sanity in check!! Bless you all. |
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Mon Dec 18, 2006 2:00 pm |
| Vavagirl, I pretty much think all teenagers, esp girls, are split personalities...one the kind, loving, beautiful little girl you had for years, and the other a hormonally-deranged, catty, selfish b*tch going at life full-speed with her claws out, especially at you, her mom. My teenager years were quite at odds with my parents, I definitely caused them grief & tears! They never stopped loving me. In my early 20s we repaired the relationship and now I love them back, appreciate them, and like them as people. What I've learned is that both boys & girls need to separate from the first person they were closest to (usually their mother) in order to feel they are being individuals, it's part of the growing process. It requires considerable stoicism and letting-go on the parents' part, especially when teenagers are so sure they know all the answers to life! But she will come out of it, and appreciate you no end once she's really grown up. Some day you will look back on this time and [hopefully] laugh about it together! |
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Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:01 pm |
Now don't get me wrong, I do think that most girls in their teen years can be a pain in the a**. However, everyone is so different. I like the fact that the parents on here have realized that to form a closer bond, you just need to let them go. After being on their own for a while, they'll become wiser, returning back to mom and dad and nourishing that relationship. I completely agree with that.
However, if kept too close for too long, the inverse may happen. I only say this because I have such a relationship with my parents. OK, OK, so I don't have a 'fully matured' brain yet , and I still get to pay the enormously high rates for car insurance, but:
-translating every single thing for my parents ever since we came to America (13 years ago)
-never staying out past 11pm during my high school years (unless I got special permission from the parents, such as seeing a movie and it ended at 12:30am)
-never coming home drunk/high/under the influence of anything
-always had a cell phone to answer calls from my parents in regards to where I was/why I was there/ who I was with/etc (never neglected answering it)
-graduating high school 1 year early
-taking college courses while still in high school
-receiving an associates degree in one year (thank goodness for financial aid)
-and now completing my bachelors degree in another few semesters (and the student loans have started)
Thus my college experience has been roughly only two years.
And still not being 'allowed' to stay out past 10 on weekdays and 11 pm on weekends (yes, still living at home with education being priority. Work isn't really something my parents have allowed me to exactly pursue). Now I am sorry, but I do find this to be quite ridiculous. Now, my parents have attributed this all to the fact that I am a girl. Some reason, right? I do have an older brother who is 7 years older than I am. When he was my age, he didn't have any rules or constraints. This is because he is a male. Many times has he gotten in trouble for things, and many times have my parents' hearts been broken. Never, once have I put such stress on my parents. I believe that their 'tight leash' on me is highly attributed to how my brother ended up growing with the 'no rules' type of household (no curfew, etc.). And if many of you are wondering how old I am, I am 19 (20 next year).
Moral of my life story, let your kids go. They'll make their mistakes and they'll correct them. You'll feel anxious and lonely to be away from them, but in the end they will come to you. You will be their best friends. The hard part is to know when to step in and offer help.
Oh, and if anyone has any sort of advice for me, shoot. I am more than ready to listen and find out a solution for my own dilemma.
And sorry for the extremely long rant, or taking away any attention from your post vava_gurl . I thought that this would be an appropriate thread for me to lay it out on the table. |
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