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Thu Jan 18, 2007 4:14 am  |
Hi all i just wanted to find out if i am normal!
me and my husband have had a fall out (nothing serious) but he is in the wrong and i have not spoke to him since yesterday evening. He texted me to say that i am childish not speaking to him like this (even though he made no attempt to speak to me). Do women in general not speak to their partners after a domestic!! if so how long do to go without speaking?? is this just a woman thing?? |
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Dry skin/prone to forehead breakouts/fair/a few freckles. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 4:52 am |
I dont do the ignoring thing. I always want to make up and cuddle etc.
My husband, however is a Sulker. He doesnt get over disgareements very fast at all.
I find it pretty damaging that he is like that, actually, because it means I am reluctant to have any conflict with him, because of the drawn out aftermath.
And avoiding conflict is good to be able to do out of choice, but it isnt good to feel you really MUSTNT create conflict, because it takes away your sense of freedom to disagree or speak up. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 4:59 am |
| yeah catski, i totally agree with not trying to avoid an argument so that u dont have to go through all the cr*p that comes with it - but sometimes i feel like that too, my husband tends to turn it around all the time - dont get me wrong we dont argue alot and he is one of the sweetest people i know, but every time i sulk he also doesnt speak to me and then says it is me doing the childish not speaking when in reality it is both - it takes two to have a conversation. He makes out though that it such a big deal sulking - is it????????????? |
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Dry skin/prone to forehead breakouts/fair/a few freckles. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:59 am |
It really bothers me ..the sulking. I used to be a sulker till I realized how childish it is and the example I'm setting for my children.I get so annoyed when my kids sulk when I prefer they come out & talk about it and then it's OVER. I don't want them to tell me I deal with my problems by sulking. So, I make a conscious effort NOT TO....
My Mom was a big time sulker & I remember how frustrated my Dad & I used to get with her. I was only 10 and I remeber trying to get her to act more mature.It was really trying to get attention. Just how are you solving anything by sulking.I just don't deal with sulkers and avoid them till they're over it. Otherwise, I'm just rewarding bad behavior. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:02 am |
| mmm marina, yes i see, i feel the slap on my hand and i know what u are saying is true, although i feel like i have something stuck in my throat preventing me from speaking - is it still sulking if u are waiting on an apologie though?? |
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Dry skin/prone to forehead breakouts/fair/a few freckles. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:10 am |
No...and I didn't mean to sound like that. I learned my lesson when my hubby gave me a taste of my own medicine. I couldn't believe how angry & frustrated I got...I realized then that it was all pride; I wanted him to grovel at my feet first  Then, when kids come into the picture..setting an example, especially on how to deal with family problems, becomes very important.
By the way, it's called passive aggressive behavior and it hurts more than a slug in the gut  |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:28 am |
| marina wrote: |
Then, when kids come into the picture..setting an example, especially on how to deal with family problems, becomes very important.
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I couldnt agree with you more. Something about having kids really makes you take a good long look in the mirror.
I dont think that there is any problem with avoiding interaction until you both cool off a bit to have an "adult" conversation and work things out but when it becomes sulking to punish each other, that when you have a real problem....I wish I could say Im not guilty if this but Im getting better!  |
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27~Texas~Oily~ fair~ breakout prone~ easily congested~Cysts caused by emotional stress~ Using Ayurvedic skin care and philosophy~ Dry brushing body and face~ On strict less is more routine~ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars~ Oscar Wilde |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 8:36 am |
| I used to try not speaking to him after a fight, waiting for the groveling but he grew up in a house with no communication so he just would shut off and I would just go crazy. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 8:52 am |
I can remember in the early years of my marriage being a sulker. My DH always used a multitude of strange/comedic questions or comments trying to get me to talk to him. After a while I could no longer just answer yes or no. It really brings back funny memories although since I've been married for 26 years I'm glad all the memories aren't of me sulking.
As I got older I realized sulking does nothing to change anything. Forget your disagreement and move on. You'll be a better person for it, I promise! Good luck!
-Cheri |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:18 am |
| phredd4 wrote: |
I can remember in the early years of my marriage being a sulker. My DH always used a multitude of strange/comedic questions or comments trying to get me to talk to him. After a while I could no longer just answer yes or no. It really brings back funny memories although since I've been married for 26 years I'm glad all the memories aren't of me sulking.
As I got older I realized sulking does nothing to change anything. Forget your disagreement and move on. You'll be a better person for it, I promise! Good luck!
-Cheri |
Well, there's some great advice for you! 26 Years and holding! Way to go, Cheri!
Pudoodles |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:19 am |
| It's hard for me. I try to but always end up giving up on it. I'm too soft to keep it up and by the time he says 'you can't hate me' I usually put up my white flag...lol |
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26, combination skin with oily t-zone |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:21 am |
| Sulking doesn't work at my house. I have found that when my husband and I disagree or have a spat that telling the other party you love them and then explain the problem helps. However, sometimes you just have to agree to disagree on some things. |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:32 am |
| It doesn't work in my house either - I have trouble keeping quiet long enough for a really decent sulk, and hubby will just tickle me into submission if I try (I am incredibly ticklsh, and he doesn't hesitate to take advantage!). |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:52 am |
Oh, I hate sulking. When hubby and I first married, he'd ignore me for daaays! For example: We rode to and from work together and when we'd get home while I was changing clothes he'd make dinner for just himself and pretend I wasn't there.
That "You don't exist so the problem doesn't exist" attitude just makes me grind my teeth. I'm a "toe-to-toe" kinda girl, ya know? So, I've taught him to go toe-to-toe with me. (Sometimes I think he learned too well.  )
Ari |
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Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!" Unknown |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:53 am |
| Arielle, my husband had to teach me. Life's too short to sulk. |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 10:08 am |
we never last longer than a couple of hours not talking - and usually that is just because we have gone off to our repsective corners to cool off.
if one of us thinks we deserve an apology we discuss why we think that is so and it might lead up to another argument, but at least it clears the air and eventually we understand what the other person feels, even if we dont agree with it. So long as we see each others viewpoint that is all that matters.
we have lots of ding-dong shouts, but they are all short-lived and are more healthy than bottling things inside (and always end in a lovely cuddle, so they are well worth it - OK, well, there have been times when I wanted to whallop him over the head with a fry pan he had pissed me off so much, but in the end I am able to brush those feelings aside  )
I think we would have been long divorced by now if he was a serial ignorer or sulker. |
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SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 2:25 pm |
Nicky --
I think you've probably already gleaned that we think your husband is right -- you ARE being childish and you should stopstopstop it.
It is not fair, productive, mature, or wise to sulk and avoid working out a solution. If you do it, I'm guessing you were raised with this (I was -- my parents were a very sour team. WEEKS would go by without a single word between them), and it takes great bravery and even creativity to jump that "natural" hurdle and reach out to your partner, rather than turning away. Punishment has not place between partners. It is toxic to any relationship.
Get therapy to help you with the tools to communicate, if you must. I did. It felt sooo unnatural, at first. But no longer.
I have a lovely piece of art work in my bathroom, with a backgorund of tarot cards and a collage of Life Wisdoms floating above it. One of the wisdoms is: "Whoever apologizes first, wins."
Be big. Be brave. |
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tenderlovingwork.com, astonishing handmade gifts |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 2:32 pm |
I'm the Sulker in my relationship but it doesn't ever last because SO always finds a way to crack me up.  |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 2:40 pm |
| I'll be mad until I get what I want if I'm in the right. If I'm at fault, I'll apologize and be nice. That being said, I love chivalrious men. I want them to do whatever it takes to make me happy even if illogical- I'll love them endlessly for it. I don't know why people say nice guys finish last. I need a guy to go through extraordinary means to earn my affections. You know what they say about men loving whores in the bedroom and innocent beings outside the bedroom? I love my men to be dominant in the boardroom and teddy bears when they're with me. |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:49 pm |
I admit I'm a sulker..  I usually avoid him till he apologizes even though it's my fault most of the time.. BUT, I'm trying to change..  |
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Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:44 pm |
| A few hours. If I stay in the same room as DH when I'm doing in the midst of trying to give the silent treatment, I will get irritated and angry. So I find another space in the house to stuff myself into and be alone. Then the time passes and he will usually start talking to me and we will act like 2 calm adults again. I think if he didn't break the ice, I would still be sulking on my own each time. |
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Fri Jan 19, 2007 10:42 am |
| I do the shouty thing when I'm angry. Gets it all out of my system and then it's over, done and forgotten about. My husband's the other way around, though, and prefers to sulk for ages. |
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Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:30 am |
We don't do the silent treatment. When we have a disagreement that isn't resolved, we usually both just back off for an hour or two; after that things are back to normal. We'll end up revisiting the issue later, but by that time, we've both had time to process the other's views, so we can usually come to a compromise or at least agree to disagree without any hurt feelings.  |
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Fri Jan 19, 2007 12:10 pm |
I was very bad, when we were dating, i can gave me silent treatment for days even for mistake on my side.
hubby learned my behavior along the way, when he knows being sulking doesnt help much he would always approach me with jokes and funny facial expressions so that i can't hold it anymore.
i know i have always been very childish and always love to be pempered but i guess i have to change once i become a mum. |
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Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:38 pm |
oh geez ... I just had an epiphany.
I'm a sulker and my mom's a sulker. We don't have kids so I never thought about how a child sulks.
Anyway, hubby has learned to make a joke and once I crack up ... it's cleared the air. |
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mid 40's, Hawaiian/Japanese, combo skin, med/dark complexion. "If life hands you lemons, throw them at your enemies" |
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