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Sat Jan 20, 2007 8:37 pm  |
We were going out to have some food, but when he tried to park his car, he hit the wheel on a curb, and it scratched his expensive alloy wheel. So instead of eating, he turned around and went home. Tonight we were supposed to go to a comedy club with friends, but he said he didn't want to go any more. Then he told me he wanted to be alone, so I left. Before I left, I was mad that this kept happening. Any time he lost something or got angry about something, I got rejected. He became irrational. What would you girls do in my case? I don't want to just walk away because when he's rational, he's very nice. I love him because he has a good heart. I know he won't ever cheat on me. I actually think he's my soul mate.  Well, I still believe in that stuff! So don't laugh at me. A couple of years ago, we went to Thailand, and he lost a camera memory card full of pictures we took throughout the trip. He was so mad at himself and became withdrawn. He would not take any more pictures after that. Last year we went back to Thailand, he lost pictures of a baby tiger we took with. He almost broke up with me from that. He said I deserved to be with someone who would treat me better. I would really like breaking up to be the last option possible. I think everyone got some flaws, and no one is perfect. I just hope I know how to deal with his flaws better, so I don't feel so bad. |
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Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:10 pm |
| Cherisse wrote: |
| We were going out to have some food, but when he tried to park his car, he hit the wheel on a curb, and it scratched his expensive alloy wheel. So instead of eating, he turned around and went home. Tonight we were supposed to go to a comedy club with friends, but he said he didn't want to go any more. Then he told me he wanted to be alone, so I left. Before I left, I was mad that this kept happening. Any time he lost something or got angry about something, I got rejected. He became irrational. What would you girls do in my case? I don't want to just walk away because when he's rational, he's very nice. I love him because he has a good heart. I know he won't ever cheat on me. I actually think he's my soul mate. Well, I still believe in that stuff! So don't laugh at me. A couple of years ago, we went to Thailand, and he lost a camera memory card full of pictures we took throughout the trip. He was so mad at himself and became withdrawn. He would not take any more pictures after that. Last year we went back to Thailand, he lost pictures of a baby tiger we took with. He almost broke up with me from that. He said I deserved to be with someone who would treat me better. I would really like breaking up to be the last option possible. I think everyone got some flaws, and no one is perfect. I just hope I know how to deal with his flaws better, so I don't feel so bad. |
Hi Cherisse,
I can understand your disappointment. I think that men typically withdraw when they are upset, Withdrawing is normal. I guess, you are going to have to accept that this is the way he reacts to anger or frustration. I'm sure he is a good guy, but he sounds somewhat immature. Have you tried to talk about his reaction to disappointments? I don't mean when he is upset, but when he is calm? |
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Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:13 pm |
{{Cherisse}}}
Umm.... he needs to deal with his flaws better. Sounds like you've been having to deal with them for too long, with him pushing you away when he can't handle the fact that he made a mistake, misjudged the distance to a curb, lost something... these are all things that happen to everyone, whether we like it or not. He should start acting like a responsible adult in a loving relationship, if that's what you want from him. You sound like a doll, wanting to stick with him and work this out. I think that what he does is emotionally abusive -- you shouldn't be the one that gets cast aside or rejected when he does something wrong.
Have you let him know how it makes you feel when he treats you this way? Is he doing anything to help him deal with the fact that he is not perfect and *you* aren't the cause of the problems so *you* shouldn't be shut out? Have you suggested counseling for him, or going together?
"He said I deserved to be with someone who would treat me better." I hate to say this -- because you deserve to be happy in your relationship -- but I tend to agree with him. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way by him. You can't change the way he acts unless he realizes there's a problem and wants to make changes to improve his behavior and keep you in his life. |
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Sat Jan 20, 2007 10:07 pm |
Gosh, never thought I'd tell anyone this....This is my hubby's worst fault. And, he doesn't have many. As he began to get older, he developed the tendency to start trying to shift blame onto me for these things. My overriding fault is my temper, which refuses to allow me to take this and I had to teach him blaming me wasn't an acceptable alternative. Extreme perfectionists, who want to control situations that we more mature and reasonable folk realize are beyond our control, tend to be narcissistic in their belief that they can control everything in their environment. We are all born with this narcissism but most of us outgrow it.
And, those instances you mentioned are little disappointments. This inflexibility will cause your boyfriend (and you) more distress as you both get older unless he can learn to be accepting of these everyday disappointments rather than acting like a thwarted toddler. Life is full of disappointments, after all. Try to talk to him calmly about learning to cope. Otherwise, he'll never be able to handle a major crisis.
Wishing you the best,
Ari |
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Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, "Oh Crap, She's up!" Unknown |
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Sat Jan 20, 2007 11:54 pm |
| Arielle wrote: |
| ... those instances you mentioned are little disappointments. This inflexibility will cause your boyfriend (and you) more distress as you both get older unless he can learn to be accepting of these everyday disappointments rather than acting like a thwarted toddler. Life is full of disappointments, after all. Try to talk to him calmly about learning to cope. Otherwise, he'll never be able to handle a major crisis. |
I second what Ari said. I actually dumped a boyfriend for this type of behavior - every little bump in the road was enough to make him think the world was coming to an end and he'd sulk like a 2 year old. I took his crap for a while and then one day just said "Grow the h&ll UP!" I also told him I didn't want to be within a 500 mile radius of him when something bad REALLY happened!
Maybe your boyfriend had a parent that really punished him whenever he did anything wrong as a child? Sometimes people continue "reprimanding" themselves in place of their parent's admonishments long after they've become an adult. |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:40 am |
| MermaidGirl wrote: |
Maybe your boyfriend had a parent that really punished him whenever he did anything wrong as a child? Sometimes people continue "reprimanding" themselves in place of their parent's admonishments long after they've become an adult. |
Hmmm...that's an interesting point, Mermaid! It does make you wonder what makes a person react in such an over-the-top manner over what are basically small issues...and this actually makes sense to me as a possible explanation for his behavior.
Mary |
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43, Confirmed desert rat (Scottsdale, AZ), animal lover (3 kitties and a pup) and hopeless product junkie (I blame EDS...lol!) |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:45 am |
| Thank you all for your advice. You're echoing how I feel. I guess I just need to hear it from other women. I need to make it clear to him his behavior is unacceptable, and I want to help him in whatever way I can to deal with life's stinks, but he has to help himself more than anyone else. Maybe I will end up having to walk away, but like I said, I want to make that the last possible option. |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:46 am |
| Oh I forgot to say that his parents are really sweet and caring people, but I think they baby him too much still. He is the baby of the family. |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:58 am |
Cherisse,
I agree that none of us can tell you to let this go. That is a choice that you need to be ready to make. Good luck! |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 1:37 pm |
Seeing how little things make him act an ass, what do you think he would do if a major crisis arose? I don't know this guy, but I don't think that that would be a very good situation for you to be in!
I agree, no one but you can make up your mind, but I have such little tolerance for such behavior that I would certainly have booted his carcass out the door. But then again, I'm very harsh!  |
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moi: Fair skin, green eyes, dark brown hair, 20's |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 1:38 pm |
Okay, okay. I'm downright evil, but only when it comes to men. I have mine trained  |
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moi: Fair skin, green eyes, dark brown hair, 20's |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 2:13 pm |
I really am a softie. I admit! I am tougher with my kids. I think I need to treat him like he's my kid.  Then he'll have more respect for me.
| mper1327 wrote: |
| Okay, okay. I'm downright evil, but only when it comes to men. I have mine trained |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 3:18 pm |
Cherisse--definitely talk to him about this. he is a grown man and throwing tantrums over IMO small mistakes in life is silly. the problem might be that since he is older (not a child or a teen), it will be very hard for him to change. and pushing you away is a big NO. i agree with the others, you sound very understanding, but time to put that heel down.
Kristen |
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about to hit my 40s, retin-a user, differin, LRP |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 4:44 pm |
| Well Cherisse, he's acting like a spoiled brat, so treat him the same way you would treat a kid in the middle of the "terrible twos" tantrums. Be firm, but kind, and explain why and how his behavior is wrong, and how it makes other people feel. Then if he didn't shape up, well, that's solely up to you......... |
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moi: Fair skin, green eyes, dark brown hair, 20's |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 6:59 pm |
| weird behavior... i, personally, wouldn't stand for it! i'd tell him to grow up or get out.. theres certain things that you can and cannot deal with in a relationshi - immaturity is something that can't be dealt with. |
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mwa :* |
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Sun Jan 21, 2007 7:00 pm |
Thank you all....ahhhh may I share an email I wrote him last night after I posted my problem here? I just wonder if I was too soft in my email. (He told me email is the best way to communicate with him when he's angry because he then has time to digest. He already responded, and he apologized.)
"Hun, before I say anything else I want to tell you that I still love you even though I was not happy with how you treated me today. I also want to say I am very sorry about what happened to your car. It's terrible. I really wish it never happened.
Now I'm hoping to go about what I have to say in the most positive and constructive way possible. If I failed, please don't think I was trying to be mean or critical. That is the last thing I want to be.
I'll just begin by telling you how I feel and how your actions impacted me. I feel rejected and unwelcomed today. It's the kind of feeling a girl doesn't want to get from her own boyfriend. Somehow I feel like you blamed me for what happened. This is the feeling I get every time something bad happens to you. I feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around you when some tragedy happens because you become moody, angry, and sulky.
I love you, and feel your pain for you, and it really hurts when you reject me because something bad happens to you. I am sure you don't do this on purpose. I KNOW that you love me and would never intentionally hurt me. You're in general a VERY kind-hearted person. This is why I have never given up on our relationship, and it's the very reason I love you so much.
I'm sure that when you're at work, worse things happen. Do you take it out on anyone at work? Or is it just me that you feel you can take things out on because you think I'd be ok with it? Well, I'm not ok with it. I am a person with feelings just like anyone else.
Do you agree that we have a problem that needs to be resolved or do you think everything is fine the way it is? If you think we got a problem, what can we do so that it will not happen again or happen much less often? Talk to me. Communication is key......unless you have already given up on us, which then I need to know, too.
Love,
Cherisse" |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:29 pm |
Ok Cherisse, maybe a little soft (for my taste ) but you definately got your point across in a good manner. I think using the work reference was a very good idea. That way he can see it from different perspectives and in a different situation without you around. I really do hope that he comes around.
By the way, you said he apologized, but did he say that you would talk more about it, promise to control himself, etc. Or did he just say "Sorry." Because that wouldn't be acceptable enough in my book  |
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moi: Fair skin, green eyes, dark brown hair, 20's |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:01 pm |
| Quote: |
MermaidGirl wrote:
Maybe your boyfriend had a parent that really punished him whenever he did anything wrong as a child? Sometimes people continue "reprimanding" themselves in place of their parent's admonishments long after they've become an adult.
Mary H wrote:
Hmmm...that's an interesting point, Mermaid! It does make you wonder what makes a person react in such an over-the-top manner over what are basically small issues...and this actually makes sense to me as a possible explanation for his behavior.
Mary |
I had an ex who had the same "endearing quality" as Cherisse and Arielles. Looking back I think MermaidGirl's observation is spot on! After a year or so I just felt that I could no longer cope with this behaviour and the effect it was having on me so I left. Had I realised what the rationale was behind it (from his description of growing up in his family his father was an "over the top" disciplinarian) maybe I would have been able to cope and deal with the situation better.
Cherisse I think your email was very good and the right approach for your situation. I hope it all works out for you. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 4:55 pm |
Mper, you cracked me up. You're one tough cookie. I am still learning to be tougher. I was even softer way way back with my ex-husband. I took some assertiveness class, and tried to use the strategies I was taught. They said to focus on telling the other person how I feel. It'd have been much easier and more satisfying of course if I could just say, "You were a jerk!" but then the instructor said it would just start a nasty fight. I know for a fact my boyfriend would be really angry if I pointed my finger at him even though he was wrong. And yes, he did say in his email he would refrain from this behavior in the future. I hope so! I will print it out, and highlight it, so next time it happens, I'll just hand it to him. LOL
| mper1327 wrote: |
Ok Cherisse, maybe a little soft (for my taste ) but you definately got your point across in a good manner. I think using the work reference was a very good idea. That way he can see it from different perspectives and in a different situation without you around. I really do hope that he comes around.
By the way, you said he apologized, but did he say that you would talk more about it, promise to control himself, etc. Or did he just say "Sorry." Because that wouldn't be acceptable enough in my book |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 4:59 pm |
Thank you, Kalegr. You sound very understanding, too.
| kalegr wrote: |
| Quote: |
MermaidGirl wrote:
Maybe your boyfriend had a parent that really punished him whenever he did anything wrong as a child? Sometimes people continue "reprimanding" themselves in place of their parent's admonishments long after they've become an adult.
Mary H wrote:
Hmmm...that's an interesting point, Mermaid! It does make you wonder what makes a person react in such an over-the-top manner over what are basically small issues...and this actually makes sense to me as a possible explanation for his behavior.
Mary |
I had an ex who had the same "endearing quality" as Cherisse and Arielles. Looking back I think MermaidGirl's observation is spot on! After a year or so I just felt that I could no longer cope with this behaviour and the effect it was having on me so I left. Had I realised what the rationale was behind it (from his description of growing up in his family his father was an "over the top" disciplinarian) maybe I would have been able to cope and deal with the situation better.
Cherisse I think your email was very good and the right approach for your situation. I hope it all works out for you. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:01 pm |
Oh I forgot to mention that before I left his place, I growled and said, "maybe you should try to think of someone else for a change!" Then I slammed his door. I never slammed a door before in anger, but I was so angry. I actually wish I could have slammed it a few more times. It was rather fun.
| mper1327 wrote: |
Ok Cherisse, maybe a little soft (for my taste ) but you definately got your point across in a good manner. I think using the work reference was a very good idea. That way he can see it from different perspectives and in a different situation without you around. I really do hope that he comes around.
By the way, you said he apologized, but did he say that you would talk more about it, promise to control himself, etc. Or did he just say "Sorry." Because that wouldn't be acceptable enough in my book |
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Sun Jan 28, 2007 5:18 pm |
Cherisse.
Man is different from woman. It seems that they never mature. That's why we have to learn how to care and feed our husbands.  |
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Sun Jan 28, 2007 5:25 pm |
| bb2000 wrote: |
Cherisse.
Man is different from woman. It seems that they never mature. That's why we have to learn how to care and feed our husbands. |
You're right!  |
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Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:46 pm |
| Boyfriends tend to be on best behavior...unless corrected that is not the kind of behavior you want to get worse in a husband or to expose children to. |
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Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:23 am |
When I read your initial post the first thing that came to my mind is, "the guy is depressed." He's letting his unhappiness interfere with his life. I've had experience with this sort of thing. My dad used to get mad at us for the littlest things, like leaving a bowl in the kitchen sink, and he'd make us feel so bad for that one little thing. It really wasn't about us, it was about him being unhappy and not knowing how to deal with it, so he'd take it out on us because there was no consequences rather than if he'd take it out on someone he worked with, etc. There is no excuse for treating those you love badly because you're depressed. It's also hard to want to help someone who's being a jerk to you.
Has he ever been on anti-depressants, or seen a psychiatrist? |
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