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Mon Jan 22, 2007 10:20 am  |
I figure this is the perfect forum to get opinions and different perspectives on conlflicts like this:
I am having problems with my sisters. I was living in TX for 13 years and came back 5 years ago. Our dad passed away soon after I moved here. I am glad I was able to spend more time with him than ever before his passing. I was the only one there to really support my mom through his sickness and after his passing.
Now they never went to or invited my mom AND dad when he was alive, they just always did their own thing.
but since then I would have expected my siblings to be there for my MOM- our mom. I go once a year to see her (we live 4 hours way)and I have her for a week every summer and every other Thanksgiving and Xmas. I would more but I go to my in-laws every other year who live 5 hours in the opposite direction.
But in the 5 years I have been back, not once have my sisters invited my mom or me for that matter to a holiday gathering. It has been ME trying to orchestrate that. When I do have mom in the summer, they come over for a 2 hr visit and that is it.
One year I pushed to have me, my mom and bother (who now lives with mom since dad died) to go to my sisters for thanksgiving which the one sister (the host) was not too pleased. then 2 years later since she did not want to host again, I offered and even though I don't have a large house, managed to hold everyone and then some.
THIS past thanksgiving I found out by accident from my 8 yr old neice that my sisters were haiving thanksgiving at my sister who lives only 45 minites away. No one ever mentioned this to me or our mom. When I asked one sister about it, she just said that the other sister just wanted it to be them and keep it simple. I offered to have it at my house again and she declined.
So they knew my mom was coming to town and even though we are only 45 minutes from each other, opted not to have me, my mom and brother over. Can you believe it? I of course got very mad and feel terrible for my mom and made that no secret. My mom is very hurt by this.
So not only have any of my sisters not vsited our mother in over 5 yrs, they never offer to have her stay at their house. My house can accomodate no more than theirs can. and of course never any holiday invites.
They get mad at ME if I don't notify them about her upcoming visit to my house! they don't ever call my mother to find out that she will be traveling.
They are mad at ME for nagging them about this and acusing me of trying to inflict guilt.
I have not spoken to them since thanksgiving and don't have the desire to. I just can't fake it anymore and hide my feelings about it.
Am I being unreasonable about this? I am very protective about my mom and feel so terrible for her. she will not make a big deal about this as she does not want to lose them completely so just doesn't mention it and takes it all but she shares her pain about this to me all the time.
so even if I wanted to restore our relationships, I bet I would have to apologise for everything and I just can't do that!
I just don't know what to do. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:18 pm |
Well, I do sometimes fill in for Dear Abby 
Anyways, I think that you're handling it the best way that you can. I'm sure you know this, but none of this is your fault. You have tried your best to pull your siblings together for your mother, and they just won't cooperate. You have a very kind, dear heart to try so hard for your mother's sake. I'm sure she is so very grateful to have a daughter like you.
As to your sister's behavior, they seem very selfish and cold (perhaps a bit spoiled?) You have tried everything in your power to make things right, but it has been so long, with so many snubs, that I think you should just leave them alone. I know this is heartbreaking, especially for your mother, but there isn't any sense in driving yourself mad. You've done all you can, and they know that the door is open. It's up to them now to grow up, and grow a heart.
Be there as much as possible for your mother, as she needs someone like you. You are a very kind, generous person, and I'm sure your mother must be so proud of you.
You have my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that your sister's will only realize what they are missing! 
<Dear Abby has left the building> |
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moi: Fair skin, green eyes, dark brown hair, 20's |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:43 pm |
I'd say that during your 13 year absence, your sisters have 'been there' for each other and even though you've been back for 5 years, they might still consider you "the blow in"  What was your relationship with them before you left TX like - were you close?
You don't say how old your mother is and if you are the only one making the overtures to your sisters. Does your mother ever try to make independent contact (i.e. visit by herself, call them, send cards, presents etc.)?
I'm just trying to get the full picture before slamming your sisters  |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 3:40 pm |
I am the youngest of three sisters. Only one sister -- the oldest -- helped my mom take care of my father after his stroke. Mom died (from the stress, frankly) and that sister still visits dad regularly (he lives 2 hours from her, in a nursing home).
We have not all gotten together since my mom died four years ago.
The other sister lives 5 hours away from my dad. I live several states away. But I have to tell you, that sister would be the one monitoring him even if we all were in the same town. She was always closest to my parents. We other two have different priorities and values. It does NOT make us selfish, spoiled or bad people to have different priorities and values.
She chooses to do what she does. We choose to do what we do. Would I want her life? No. Would she want mine? No. Do I judge her? Hmmm -- I think she never quite left home and got a life. She was always too worried about what my parents would think (and she's 56 now). Does she judge me? I'm sure so -- I left. And I do not go back. I write dad once or twice a month. I never hear anything back from anyone.
Family means different things to different people. Siblings all have different experiences with the same parents. What's important to you isn't as important to others. Should it be, when it involves parents? That's just not how human beings and relationships work. I happen to think my parents weren't very nice people. The caretaker sister thinks they hung the moon.
Do what you do, as you choose, and don't worry about your sisters. They are free to choose to have holidays and lives as they wish. Concentrate on your own choices and don't get so worked up about others' decisions. You cannot control them, and you'll all be much happier if you can manage to stop trying to. |
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tenderlovingwork.com, astonishing handmade gifts |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:28 pm |
| anya wrote: |
I'd say that during your 13 year absence, your sisters have 'been there' for each other and even though you've been back for 5 years, they might still consider you "the blow in" What was your relationship with them before you left TX like - were you close?
You don't say how old your mother is and if you are the only one making the overtures to your sisters. Does your mother ever try to make independent contact (i.e. visit by herself, call them, send cards, presents etc.)?
thanks so much. I'm just trying to get the full picture before slamming your sisters |
My mom is 75. She just had her 75th b-day. another thing I had to arrange. no one would have done any thing for my mom for her b-day if I did not.
Anyway, my mom does talk to one of the sisters. that sister is good about calling, NOT about visiting. and my mom would never invite herself to their houses. She just feels like she is imposing. I tell her to count on coming to stay at my house every summer but I still have to make it clear every year that she is invited. that is just how she is. My mother is the NICEST person in the world.
I have to say, my dad was not. an alcoholic and a very mean one. He was responsible for the family drifting apart years ago and it was just easier for everyone to avoid them. I guess they just got used to that. I just thought since he was gone, we could all be close again (as when I was little-I'm the baby) becuase there would be no more confrontation.
No I was never that close to them before I left. Prt of the reason WHY I left the state.
thanks so much for your understanding. I have to say that pretty much every one I have presented it to (including my therapist) has said they are very selfish people and nothing I can do will change that. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:45 pm |
| Sidda wrote: |
I am the youngest of three sisters. Only one sister -- the oldest -- helped my mom take care of my father after his stroke. Mom died (from the stress, frankly) and that sister still visits dad regularly (he lives 2 hours from her, in a nursing home).
We have not all gotten together since my mom died four years ago.
The other sister lives 5 hours away from my dad. I live several states away. But I have to tell you, that sister would be the one monitoring him even if we all were in the same town. She was always closest to my parents. We other two have different priorities and values. It does NOT make us selfish, spoiled or bad people to have different priorities and values.
She chooses to do what she does. We choose to do what we do. Would I want her life? No. Would she want mine? No. Do I judge her? Hmmm -- I think she never quite left home and got a life. She was always too worried about what my parents would think (and she's 56 now). Does she judge me? I'm sure so -- I left. And I do not go back. I write dad once or twice a month. I never hear anything back from anyone.
Family means different things to different people. Siblings all have different experiences with the same parents. What's important to you isn't as important to others. Should it be, when it involves parents? That's just not how human beings and relationships work. I happen to think my parents weren't very nice people. The caretaker sister thinks they hung the moon.
Do what you do, as you choose, and don't worry about your sisters. They are free to choose to have holidays and lives as they wish. Concentrate on your own choices and don't get so worked up about others' decisions. You cannot control them, and you'll all be much happier if you can manage to stop trying to. |
"I happen to think my parents weren't very nice people. " sidda I can understand if you had problems with them already and if they were not nice to you, well then maybe it is best you avoid your parent(parents when your mom was alive)
It is different for me b/c my mom is really nice and should not be treated that way.
And it is not like my mother is so far away that it is really inconvenient for them. this past Thanksgiving she was at my house all week and my one sister who had the gathering lives only 45 minutes from me. AND to top it off, HER mother-in-law was invited. AND my other sister who came invited get this-her husband's STEP grandmother! Her own mother is in town, 45 minutes away and they can't manage to squeeze in a couple of more people. AND I offered to have it at my house so she would not hve the stress of having so many people.
This is a whole different situation and just can't find a way to forgive someone or even begin to understand it.
Thanks for posting. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:59 pm |
Some thoughts on this subject:
I am the baby, by 13 years, of a very disfunctional family. Many many things occurred that were kept from me and I have only learned of recently. This could very well be the case with your sisters. Try to talk to them. It may or may not help. |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:59 pm |
| pardon my spelling |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 6:02 pm |
Wendy, I feel your pain. I have a selfish sister, too, who keeps on just taking and taking from my parents, and never gives back. She borrowed tons of money (I don't even want to state the amount because I'd shock you guys) from my parents to start up a business which is failing, so I guess my parents would not ever see this money again. She still dared to demand more money. She once told me she told my dad that if he wanted to be a good dad to her, he would have to pay off her credit card debt for her which was over $50K.
I think what goes around comes around. You can't control other people's actions, but I believe one should treat one's parents the very best one could since they gave you your life. So your sisters are making a really bad karma, and it will come back to haunt them. Just watch how their kids treat them later in life if you're interested in keeping up with them. But if you want to just wash your hands, no one will blame you. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:15 pm |
Every family has its own set of dynamics and interaction based on the experience each child has with his/her parents. Wendy, could it be that you as "the baby" had a totally different upbringing than your older sisters You mentioned that your dad was an alcoholic and I can imagine life with him could not have been ideal for your older sisters, nor your mother for that matter. I'm going waaay out on a limb here, but maybe your sisters want to put that part of their lives behind them and unfortunately your mother is included
Did they include her in holidays before you came back to TX?
Would there be any point in you getting together with your sisters and having a calm non-judgemental discussion as to why they're acting this way? At 75 years old, if any grievances exist between them, they should be sorted out before your mother passes on - for their sakes.
Meanwhile don't get all worked up about it. You're doing everything you can to show your love and respect for your mother. |
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Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:27 pm |
I definitely agree with those who have suggested you talk to your sisters and just ASK. You sound pretty upset, so you might want to explore with a therapist or other professional how to approach it in a rational, non-judgemental way. Do you want to understand it, or do you just want to change their behavior? Those are two different things. It sounds like YOU want YOUR family (back). They may truthfully respond: What ["i]family[/i]"?
There are always (at least) two sides. And things you naturally would not consider. If my sisters ever approached me about my distance from my parents, I'd be allll ready. My parents bought them both houses -- me, I asked for help with a down payment and got no response at all. Both sisters got augmented incomes throughout college and after. Me? No. I could also mention a whole list of awful betrayals at the drop of a hat. Which my sisters have no clue whatsoever about. The middle sister has some whoppers to tell, too, though.
My life changed very much for the better when I realized I did not have to talk to my parents (and be depressed for two more weeks) anymore. I was well into my 40s.
YOU may think your mom is wonderful, but, again, siblings can have very different experiences. As I said, my oldest sister thought they hung the moon. And would go NUTZ if I ever suggested otherwise. So NUTZ, she made it clear I was never to criticize them in her presence again. Which, of course, controlled the content of any conversation, and so cut off all communication about the subject. I guess she got what she wanted, though. She hears no bad-mouthing from me, that's for sure. She hears no mouthing at all. 
I know our situations aren't exactly alike, but I can't help but notice you keep emphasizing how geographically/temporally close they are -- and since you are the only one who has ever NOT been geographically close, it makes sense this would loom large in your reasoning, but not in theirs at all. I don't even consider it an issue in my situation. I'd still feel the same way about my parents if they lived down the street.
We all behave and react according to our experience, and we all have different experiences. You and your sisters clearly have had different experiences. So you act differently. How could you not?
Talk to them. Directly and openly and kindly. Not with passive-aggressive hints or guilt trips. (My mother tried the latter with me. I found it really easy to decline such maniulation, thank you. I'm sure she thought and said I was just horrid.) They may not even know they are missed. (I'd be very surprised if I were ever told I were genuinenly missed, as a person, not just a "remaining member" in my family.) Is it something YOU want, something your mom wants, something you think THEY should want?
Try to sift through your (very strong) emotions and see where your expectations (and thus, disappointments) come from. This is the key.
It definitely sounds like you are trying to recover something they never had. They may see it as recovering something very unpleasant. That's a little unfair of you, m'dear. Perfectly understandable. But unfair. Your note could so easily be written by my oldest sister. My response to her "I don't understand!" would be a simple one: "You don't want to understand. You just want what you want."
We're all selfish, by the way. That's how we are made.  |
_________________
tenderlovingwork.com, astonishing handmade gifts |
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Tue Jan 23, 2007 7:01 am |
I am the youngest of 6 kids. Oldest is 17 yrs older than me. Oldest sister 15 yrs older, nxt is 6 yrs and then 4 yrs older than I am.
My parents started drinking when I was 5 so I never really knew what they were like as "normal"parents who didn't just "clock out" as parents at 5 o'clock for cocktail hour.
all of them have said that I had been through the worst b/c I put up with all that the longest. the first 3 kids were out of the house when they started drinking.
We have talked about all that before and mostly my DAD was the problem. 2 years after I moved out of state, my parents moved downstate and the others just never got together with them on holidays and my parents never seemed to complain about it.
Very good advice from everyone and I am seeing a therapist and I consult with her more about this.
I definitely do not want to disown my siblings when this could possibly be worked out together.
Thanks everyone,
Wendy |
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Tue Jan 23, 2007 7:44 am |
Sounds like your siblings didn't care for your parents behavior even though they had already left home and may have just decided to stay away, maybe not consciously, and now it has become a habit. Sometimes we do things unconsciously just out of self-preservation.
I have a feeling that there is more to it than just that though. |
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53 and starting to show it |
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Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:31 am |
| Wendy, I moved 3,000 miles away from home 30 years ago and only go home once every few years. Having disconnected with my parents at an early age, I don't feel the same obligations or closeness to my mother as my 2 younger sisters (my father has passed on). So in a sense I can understand your sisters' actions, but it doesn't make them uncaring, its just the way it is with them. |
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Wed Jan 24, 2007 9:22 am |
| Wendy, we can never change other people, it's hard enough to change ourselves! Unfortunately you probably just have to accept your siblings the way they are, and then decide if you still want to be part of their lives. You have your own relationship w/your mother that sounds very different from your sister's relationships with her, so were I you, I'd concentrate on nurturing that and finding a way to let go of hurt, resentment, etc that you feel towards your sisters. Getting their story on why they treat your mother the way they do may give you some information, but any change that happens there will have to come from them. It's good that you are seeing someone professional who should help you see your 'role' in the family and then decipher how that role is contributing to your feelings now. |
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Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:38 am |
| salli wrote: |
Sounds like your siblings didn't care for your parents behavior even though they had already left home and may have just decided to stay away, maybe not consciously, and now it has become a habit. Sometimes we do things unconsciously just out of self-preservation.
I have a feeling that there is more to it than just that though. |
I have a feeling that is mostly what it is, it has become habit for them.
they never really visited my parents while I was living out of state. They just got used to that I suppose. But its not like they have to drive the 4 hours to my moms every holiday. My one sister lives in Madison and the other lives outsite of Chicago. she made the 2 hour drive to my sisters and could not include us even though I only live only 30 minutes from them?
I'll talk to my therapist more abotu it.
thanks everyone so much! |
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Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:37 pm |
Wendy, I agree with Sidda.
I've only spoken to my mother twice in the past ten or eleven years. I saw her when my nephew had his first birthday and when my little sis left to go to Iraq.
I am the oldest sibling of 5 in my family, and my mother was horrid to me from childhood. - Emotionally and verbally abusive and I suspect made me very sick intentionally a few times because she was angry with me. As an adult, I tried to form a relationship with her, but she was still emotionally abusive and was using me. I am far more miserable with her in my life than without.
My other siblings all talk to her, with the exception of one sister. This sister stopped talking to her when she had a miscarriage. Our mother told her that she deserved to have a miscarriage instead of comforting her about the loss of the baby. My mother also did not like this sister and treated her the same way she treated me. She mistreated my brother, but he is able to maintain the relationship. Maybe he's a bigger person than I am.
My youngest sister was a toddler when I left home, and she never knew what went on. She respects my wishes not to be around my mother, and she makes every attempt to make sure I don't have to see her. I have never told her the majority of what happened with my mother because I am protecting her from the truth.
I'm not saying that what your sisters are doing is right, but there may be a reason for it that you're not aware of. I know that you said that your mother is very nice. Is it possible that there was some other type of childhood trauma that they feel she is responsible for? Maybe it wasn't something she inflicted, but something she didn't stop - maybe your dad did something? I think it could be a possibility.
Umm.. That's a downer. The habit thing could be it too. |
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Sat Jan 27, 2007 8:39 am |
No I do NOT believe that anything like that happened. My mother does not have that type of personality. My dad was the one who was abusive and we all actually felt sorry for mom b/c she was the one who took most of it.
She would get sloppy drunk when my dad was alive and since he died, you NEVER see her like that. I'm sure she had to numb herself to deal with him. she did not come from a generation that would leave a marriage for anything.
And trust me, IF there were anything that they could complain about mom, they would put it out there, like they did with my dad. They have never had anything negative to say about her since dad died. Actually opposite: how proud they were because she has become so independant, which was the opposite when my dad was alive.
No. I know they think she is wonderful. It really is just that they got used to not having to spend time with our parents (becuase of dad) and like to keep it that way. My therapist already went through all this to make sure and SHE has even concluded that it is just SELFISHNESS. |
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Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:36 pm |
| Whew! That's great! Maybe there's hope that they'll wake up one day, then. Best of luck with everything! |
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