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Did you "fall" in love or "grow" in love
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anomaly
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Sun Feb 18, 2007 6:48 pm      Reply with quote
I'm interested to see what is the most common way to come to love someone. Is there such a thing as "love at first sight" or is this just a "crush", something doomed to fail? Has anyone not wanted to be with a person at first, but then came to love the other eventually? Etc...

Every guy that I've "fallen in love" with has not reciprocated. This has caused untold suffering for me and it usually lasts years. Every relationship I've been in has been me settling for someone who came after me. I'm in depths of despair here... I need some encouragement in the form of beautiful stories. Smile

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Sun Feb 18, 2007 6:58 pm      Reply with quote
Well...since you asked for stories Smile

About 10 years ago I worked with a guy who I thought was a really big dork. He had a rat-tail hairdo and still played Dungeons & Dragons in spite of being almost 30 years old. One night while closing together we started talking and I realized we had a lot in common. The next day he asked me out and I said yes b/c I was a poor college student and it had been about 6 months since I had a proper dinner. I was really nervous and told my roommate I was ONLY going out w/ him to get dinner...I even did shots before the date b/c I was so tense about going out w/ him. As we talked over dinner I became fascinated by his life & his spirit. However, I still didn't want to date him b/c I thought he was just too geeky. He asked me on another date and I said yes again and I can't even remember why, but that 2nd date was all I needed. Somehow, for some reason, I feel for this man. We were together for 2 years and it was the most intense, exciting relationship I've ever had.

After I graduated from college I ended up leaving him to move away & try to start a relationship w/ a guy I had known for years and always had a crush on...I will admit the ONLY reason I left was b/c I couldn't STAND not knowing the "what if" with guy #2. We eventually married and 2 years ago he left me for another woman. It's taken me all this time but I finally admitted to myself he never really loved me...but that's another story. I was chasing a dream, HARD, and the fall was even harder.

Guy #1 got married and moved on of course, but now I wonder "what if?" about him. I don't believe crushes are doomed to failure but there is something to be said for a slow and steady love. Sometimes our crushes like us too, and that's the best. But other times you just have to take a chance on someone and be realistic about fantasies. Smile
Arielle
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Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:11 pm      Reply with quote
I've never quite figured out the whole relationship dynamic. There were a few guys through out my single years that, when our eyes met, something just happened between us. But, it never worked out in the long term.

Now, DH and I absolutely HATED each other on sight and were always just plain hateful to each other! He was seeing someone else and when they broke up, he needed a "shoulder to cry on". Rolling Eyes We got to be friends and it just grew from there. Now, we've been married almost 26 years.

Go figure.

Ari

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marci65
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Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:19 pm      Reply with quote
DH and I fell in love, but we have also kept growing in love together. We are more in love now than we were 19 years ago when we met, due to hardships we've gotten through together and the many great times we've shared and learned more about each other.
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Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:58 pm      Reply with quote
Hmmm...I don't think there's anything wrong with only going for guys that come after you. That's how it's supposed to be. I never really had a crush on anyone, except when I was about 13, but I never tried to do much about that crush. When my boyfriend and I met, I liked him, did not fall in love, but would not have said no if he asked me out again. But I didn't hear from him for a week, and thought he was not interested, so I was not about to pursue him. But a girl friend of mine who went on a date with his friend the night we met engineered another date for us, but I refused to go. Then I emailed him and made an excuse of being sick (I actually was a little sick, but I could have gone if I wanted to). Then he wrote me back and asked me out. We've been together for almost 2 years now. I asked him later why he didn't contact me after we first met, and he said he thought I didn't like him. He's a very shy person and afraid of rejections, so it took my email saying sorry about not showing up to the get-together that my friend initiated to get him to contact me again.

I fell in love with him after we went out for 3 months because he was so nice to me. Then we grew closer and closer. So I would say in my case it was a grow-in-love, not fall-in-love type thing. I actually like it better this way. I'm a slow-but-sure kinda person.
Olivia
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:15 am      Reply with quote
I fell...big time! I met this guy (while I was on a date with his roomate) and I could not stop thinking about him. I had to know him...we started dating soon after...its been 13 years and we have not been without each other since that day.

I also believe that you grow in love too. I do not mean to imply that we have had nothing but fireworks ever since then...we have had our hard times and it was the fact that we had "grown" so much together that kept us married.
anomaly
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:28 am      Reply with quote
I started this thread because I fell BIGTIME! I met this guy about a year and a half ago. He was very kind to me and had manners that I've only dreamed about. I felt so close to him, like he was my brother, like I had known him all along, like he was my best friend that I could say or do anything around and be comfortable. I felt like I could stand "naked" before him and not be ashamed. I have NEVER felt like this before.

There's just one problem: he's in love with another... and her name is heroin.

I was waiting for him, because he told me last year, "maybe later". I haven't seem him or heard from him in about 10 months. But I just heard that he's not getting help, like I thought he was, and he's still very much an addict.

I can't imagine myself with someone else unless I fall again... I have to have the same feelings or greator (which I can't even imagine) or I just feel like I would be settling again.

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Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:13 am      Reply with quote
anomaly wrote:

There's just one problem: he's in love with another... and her name is heroin.



Pray for him and RUNNNNNNNNNNN as fast as you can in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SAVE HIM OR CHANGE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And YES YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER MAN WHO IS BETTER FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From one Goddess to another...Goddess Please!!This book is my bible when it comes to matters of the heart!!!Please read it and SAVE your-self!!
loopylori
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:28 am      Reply with quote
For me it was lust at first sight when I saw that gorgeous trident I was a gonner.

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salli
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 2:04 pm      Reply with quote
anomaly, turn around and run and don't ever look back.

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John C. Hill
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:00 pm      Reply with quote
OK, here it is from the male point of view.

First marriage was to a blonde (stereotypical blonde) who was into weightlifting and won the "best legs in the State of Delaware" contest that got us a free one week trip to the Bahamas. Turned out I was thinking with the wrong head and got divorced a little over a year later. She turned into a drug addict. Believe me, run when you find out that your partner is into drugs. You WON'T be able to stop them or change them.

Second marriage was to a "smarter" blonde who was a serious bodybuilder. Turns out I was thinking with the wrong head again! I bought her a pair of big breast implants and a few months later she left me to become a big time stripper in Las Vegas??!!!!! The divorce ended that less than a year into the marriage.

If you are a guy, my advice to you is DON'T think with the wrong head when it comes to getting married!

After nearly a decade of enjoying the single life I got serious with three women almost at the same time. I liked two of the three. Sandy, was ranked number 3. But, unlike the other two, Sandy would not give up! I mean, no matter how much I ignored her, or how many times I told her the other girl(s) were the one(s) for me, she didn't give up. Then, the more time she spent with me, the more I realized that Sandy WAS special. I stopped thinking with the wrong head again and used my real brain! We actually grew in love. Now we've been married nearly 9 years and it has been the best years of my life. We are so compatible that people are amazed by it. They call us "the team" or "The Hills". Nobody calls us by our first names that know us....just a plural that describes us both. It would be like something was terribly wrong if we aren't seen together all the time! And, Sandy turned out to be the best at virtually everything, including love making which is just sensational. It's a darn good thing we are both in top shape or one of us would be dead from a heart attack or a stroke by now! Cool

So, my opinion is "growing in love" is the very best way, and I wouldn't recommend any other method.

John

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doba
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:07 pm      Reply with quote
salli wrote:
anomaly, turn around and run and don't ever look back.


I agree. RUN, RUN, RUN!!!
salli
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:27 pm      Reply with quote
My 2 cents again - growing in love is truly the best way or it was for me. DH and I have been together for 14 years - best 14 years of my life. Our relationship didn't start with the heart-thumping pitty pat stuff. I've had my fair share of those and they didn't get past the 3 year mark if they made it that far and wasted alot of my time.

As far as drug addiction. She is a cruel and seductive mistress that will never let you win. This is something only he can beat and unfortunately that's a long shot. If he chooses to do it, it will be because he wants to. It will have absolutely nothing to do with something you have said or done or because you waited. If you would really like some good advice on addition and loved ones I recommend that you take the time to get on the Naranon chat room.

I know this is hard, you need to be harder and look out for YOU.

Salli

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Lisey
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:51 pm      Reply with quote
anomaly wrote:
I started this thread because I fell BIGTIME! I met this guy about a year and a half ago. He was very kind to me and had manners that I've only dreamed about. I felt so close to him, like he was my brother, like I had known him all along, like he was my best friend that I could say or do anything around and be comfortable. I felt like I could stand "naked" before him and not be ashamed. I have NEVER felt like this before.

There's just one problem: he's in love with another... and her name is heroin.

I was waiting for him, because he told me last year, "maybe later". I haven't seem him or heard from him in about 10 months. But I just heard that he's not getting help, like I thought he was, and he's still very much an addict.

I can't imagine myself with someone else unless I fall again... I have to have the same feelings or greator (which I can't even imagine) or I just feel like I would be settling again.


I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all this anomaly. I know it hurts, but I think it's best for you to stay away from this guy as far as you can. He's the type that you don't want to mess with. Don't get your heart broken for him. He doesn't deserve you. He is not worth your tears and time. Somewhere along the way, you'll find a guy that deserves you, cherish you, and will not let anything go in the way. You deserves a guy who would make you his first priority. I hope you feel better. Take it easy!
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 4:11 pm      Reply with quote
I fell in love and then it grew!
wildflower
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 5:29 pm      Reply with quote
Aw, I'm sorry to hear about you bad luck, but never ever settle. You will find love one day when you least expect it. Just make sure to stick to your standards and be yourself. I think there should be an initial attraction and some chemistry but I believe that love also grows. I have found myself being in love with someone I would have never looked at twice had I not gotten to know them before hand. You never know, the person you're destined to be with may be nearer than you think. Just keep your heart open and love will find you. Smile

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salli
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 6:19 pm      Reply with quote
Here I am again. It usually finds you when you least expect it.

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Anna_in_Sweden
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 6:44 pm      Reply with quote
Anomaly,

If I remember correctly aren't you the mother of 4 or 5 that is currently homeschooling your children? If so, run like hell away from this person!
Even if your heart says that you want him you cannot afford to ruin your children's lives over this addict. They deserve better than that, you deserve better than him.
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:37 pm      Reply with quote
Something about this person drew me to them more so (and in a much different way) than anyone else. "Real" love I guess.
We're engaged now.
I think that's love at first sight...not sure if he felt the same way. Better have, the jerk! LOL
anomaly
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Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:58 pm      Reply with quote
Anna_in_Sweden wrote:
Anomaly,

If I remember correctly aren't you the mother of 4 that is currently homeschooling your children?


Yes, I am.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I would never put my children in a bad situation. I was hoping he would get help and become the beautiful person I saw in him.

Damn hope. I hope when all hope is gone and it causes the suffering to be prolonged.

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Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:33 pm      Reply with quote
Aww.. Anomaly, I'm sorry! You do have to run, though. Even if he does return your love, he obviously loves heroin more, and he's not going to give it up for you.
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Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:20 am      Reply with quote
Anomoly, I cannot stress this enough ... RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM THIS MAN, DON'T LOOK BACK, AND DON'T KEEP "HOPING" THIS MAN WILL SUDDENLY TURN INTO SOMEONE WORTH LOVING! He certainly is completely uncapable of truly loving you - he can't -- his brain is fried!

He's currently using a very strong addictive substance. Even if he were to get help NOW - this very minute - the number of years of recovery, relapses (and YES, HE WILL RELAPSE, POSSIBLY MANY TIMES!), healing and self-discovery he has ahead of him mean you will be a very very old woman before he becomes someone even remotely acceptable to have around decent company, let alone your children. This man is not worth another minute of your thoughts, time, tears, etc.

The best thing for you to do would be to spend your time, preferably with a professional, who can help you figure out why you are attracted to totally unsuitable men, why you think the best man for you is someone who will never actually be there for you, and why you think you're not worth being put first. Aren't you recently divorced or in the process of going through a divorce? If so, you have a lot of healing to do from that before you should even be able to trust your own self to make a good decision as to who to have as a love interest. There is probably a long-standing history of being treated as "less than" by people (parents? siblings? other important people in your life?).

With an addict, or a cheater, or a workaholic (note: those are all addictions, one does drugs and/or alcohol, one does lots of other women and possibly men, and one does nothing but work all the time), you will always, always, always be LAST LAST LAST on their list, and you will bend yourself into a hundred different pretzel shapes trying to be first. Its not worth the time and effort because you will never win. You are worth WAY more than any of that trouble and heartache!
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Tue Feb 20, 2007 3:57 am      Reply with quote
This is sad, and happy at the same time.
I am not going to talk about drug addiction, because it's far too complicated for anyone else to judge. Anomoly, only you can decide what you want for yourself, your children etc, and it easy for everyone to tell you to run, but I dont know that you feel in control. Confused
I have been with my partner, my boy, my only love for twelve years (in two months anyway), and I cannot tell you what we have both been through in that time.....huge... I fell in love/lust with him and pursued him when I was just 16 (nearly 17 Shock ), and I have loved him, hated him, been indifferent to him, and loved him again and again and over and over for these 12 years.

Love changes -it's dynamic, not static, and we try and recognise this (especially when we are arguing!!). He is my best friend,my protector, my confidant, and my first love. I cherish that I will always have that no matter what happens.

We can be selfish as we dont have children -we can enjoy and splurge and go out and laugh and fight - but one day I hope he will be the doting father of our children, and I dont know if I would trust anyone with this as I trust him. remember - 12 years!!

I want to say dont give up - have hope as I've seen it work in different forms. I suppose I am a romantic and not at all realistic. I do think people can change if you really believe they can, but then I just think of "riding in cars with boys...."and wonder if that really is how things turn out????

Good Luck......
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Tue Feb 20, 2007 6:43 am      Reply with quote
MermaidGirl wrote:


With an addict, or a cheater, or a workaholic (note: those are all addictions, one does drugs and/or alcohol, one does lots of other women and possibly men, and one does nothing but work all the time), you will always, always, always be LAST LAST LAST on their list, and you will bend yourself into a hundred different pretzel shapes trying to be first. Its not worth the time and effort because you will never win. You are worth WAY more than any of that trouble and heartache!


Having grown up with alcoholic parents and subsequently been in a relationship with a drug addict, this point is right on. Not only can you never be first, you will end up doubting yourself and your ability to make somebody happy. I went through years of wondering why I was not good enough to be better than the drug. It is not worth it.

Tina
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Tue Feb 20, 2007 7:46 am      Reply with quote
For me its was definitely love at first sight and we were married 5 months later.
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