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You met online. Will it last?
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bkkgirl
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:25 pm      Reply with quote
I found this article and though it's a great topic. I met my bf online, and without the internet, I would never have met him since he doesn't frequent my area at all. So I am thankful for the internet because if you're in the US and your other half is in Italy, how would you ever meet? Ok, I exaggerate, but for me, my bf and I are 25 miles away. Trust me - if I didn't run in to him when I practically worked in the same building with him in 1998-1999 (he was on the 49th floor, and I was on the 53rd floor), then I sure am glad for the internet to bring us together. My friend on the other hand thinks it's not romantic to meet someone online (to that, I think, who cares about romantic as long as you met your true love?). Another friend thinks it means you're desperate, and she's ashamed to admit she tried it. So I shared this article with her:

You met online. Will it last?
By Andrea Baker, Ph.D.

As part of my research on online relationships, I’ve spent many years writing and talking to couples who met online, and I’ve learned a lot about online relationships in that time. The 90 couples I studied for my latest book range in age from 18 to 67 and come from all regions of the U.S. and beyond. I wanted to find out what couples who met online and stayed together had in common, and what made them different from those who eventually split up. What I learned is that whether a relationship succeeded was determined by what I call the POST factors:

Place: The locations where couples met, both online and offline, affected how long their relationships lasted. In general, couples who met online at a place of common interest, such as an online game or a chat room discussing specific topics, were more successful.

When it came time to meet offline for the first time, people who met at each other’s homes stayed together more than those meeting at hotels or other public places—ironically, considering that the typical advice is to meet somewhere public for safety’s sake. That may be because these couples had developed a high level of trust over the weeks or months that they communicated online.

Obstacles: Another major factor is how couples were able to overcome obstacles to their relationship, such as other existing relationships or distance. The more smoothly couples handled these obstacles, the higher their probability of staying together.

Self-Presentation: Online communication provides plenty of opportunity to disguise your appearance, age, weight, height, or so forth. But the couples that lasted did not deceive each other. In fact, many couples were “hyper-honest,” as I call it, describing themselves in detail. Some placed less emphasis on physical appearance; a few couples did not even exchange photos before meeting. As one man said, “I knew I had to meet her no matter what our chemistry…I actually booked a flight to visit her before I even saw a picture. I told her that we connected so well that I just had to meet her even if we didn't click.”

Timing: Successful couples generally waited to meet offline until they had communicated at length. They spent time and energy becoming acquainted with each other’s likes, dislikes, values and lifestyles. Another dimension here is how quickly or slowly people explored their sexuality online. Those who waited to meet in-person to become intimate usually did better than those who engaged in cybersex before that point.

A final factor that played a key role: C for Communication. Good communication really helped in all the areas above, for example, in deciding where to meet offline, in negotiating where to live, in presenting themselves openly, and in deciding when to take the relationship offline. Couples were able to “practice” getting along online before having to solve problems of relating that all couples encounter in everyday life. And reaching agreement through written and phone communication provided a foundation for the future courses of their relationship.

Andrea Baker, Ph.D. (bakera@ohiou.edu), is a sociology professor at Ohio University Lancaster. She studies relationships in cyberspace, online communities, and the ethics of internet research, and is currently examining how emotions are communicated through email or chat of online couples. You can read more about the research described in this article in her new book, Double Click (Hampton Press, 2005).
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:36 pm      Reply with quote
I think online dating is fantastic & a wave of future.If I were single, I would go this route. I know of a really busy attorney who married her Match.com date. I think it's easier to get to the specifics of what's important and what you're looking for. Sure, there are duds out there - but they're offline too. Best wishes to all of you cyber daters! Very Happy

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Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:17 pm      Reply with quote
Nothing to be ashamed of. In fact I have a few friends who met their GF or BF online. Some relationships lasted and others didn't.
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:43 pm      Reply with quote
I've had a few relationships with men I met online. Two of those have turned into friends-for-life folks. My nephew is enaged to a girl he met online. Its definitely worth a shot! Very Happy

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Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:45 pm      Reply with quote
If I weren't currently involved, I'd probably give it a go, especially since I'm too old for singles' bars and clubs Embarassed
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 7:08 pm      Reply with quote
I know 2 couples who met online and got married. They seem to be doing quite well, with children in the picture, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with possibly meeting someone special this way; it seems to be a trend of the times. My only concern is the personal safety factor (e.g. not using real names or complete names online, meeting in public places and with friend(s) along, etc.)
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 8:30 pm      Reply with quote
Met my husband online.

It's complicated to explain meeting someone online to people, but we've been together since 2002 and couldn't be happier.


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Tue Feb 27, 2007 8:45 pm      Reply with quote
My sister met her SO on line, and they couldn't be happier. I've known a few people it has worked for. If I were single, I'd definitely go that route. It's just too hard to meet people. If I were looking, I honestly don't personally know of one single man that would be appropriate for me age-wise or interest-wise.
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Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:02 pm      Reply with quote
My brother met his gf online and he seems to be pretty happy with her and I actually like her. That is a shocker! He usually picks psychos and surprisingly enough the one he met online was the first normal girl he has ever dated.
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Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:30 pm      Reply with quote
I met my hubby online. Two beautiful baby boys later we're still hanging in there. Very Happy
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Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:59 pm      Reply with quote
I met my SO online. Things aren't perfect (see my "Who's dealt w/ a narcissist?" thread) but that would be the case no matter how we met.
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Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:49 pm      Reply with quote
IfI don't have my bf now (we are very happy together), I woule like to meet someone online for romance too. I have made some very good friends online Smile
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Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:41 pm      Reply with quote
Glad everyone found online dating acceptable! That's how we all found EDS - through the internet. I'm just so glad someone invented the internet, or I'd never have met my bf, or EDS. Smile
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Thu Mar 01, 2007 12:50 pm      Reply with quote
Meet my husband online too. Happily married 3 years:)
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Thu Mar 01, 2007 1:42 pm      Reply with quote
I met my current BF on line. I have been seeing him for almost a year and everything about him was just as he described himself in his profile. I decided to do the on line dating thing because I was always around friends at work and my ex husbands friends in our small town. It seemed that unless I was going to frequent bars, I was doomed. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for new friends. I have turned a few friends onto this and they too have found happiness. Very Happy
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Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:00 pm      Reply with quote
One college of mine met his wife online and they began dating for a while. Now they got married and very happy.

Bless you. Very Happy

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Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:19 pm      Reply with quote
I just want to point out that all is not rosy with online dating. I met a few CREEPS, liars, and cheaters. The previous bf (actually the latest one to claim to be the dad of ANS's baby) was a total liar and cheater, and I met him online. I also know a lot of people who fake their profiles, or use pictures from 10 years ago before they got all wrinkly. So you have to be careful and take your time. Definitely always meet in a public place until you feel comfy with the guy (or the gal). Don't ever let them know where you live until you know them to be a trustworthy soul. Don't discuss how well you do financially. There're always scammers out there looking to take advantage of you. Don't lend them money. I think you get the idea.
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Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:52 pm      Reply with quote
bkkgirl wrote:
I just want to point out that all is not rosy with online dating. I met a few CREEPS, liars, and cheaters. The previous bf (actually the latest one to claim to be the dad of ANS's baby) was a total liar and cheater, and I met him online. I also know a lot of people who fake their profiles, or use pictures from 10 years ago before they got all wrinkly. So you have to be careful and take your time. Definitely always meet in a public place until you feel comfy with the guy (or the gal). Don't ever let them know where you live until you know them to be a trustworthy soul. Don't discuss how well you do financially. There're always scammers out there looking to take advantage of you. Don't lend them money. I think you get the idea.


Yes, I agree that dating with online people is risky too. Take care and good luck.

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Thu Mar 01, 2007 9:43 pm      Reply with quote
I think it's a good sign if the person has a professional career. (Well, maybe I'm biased there, but I'm a professional, and so is my boyfriend. But go with at least someone with an honest day work and a real career.) Definitely the person shouldn't try to push you to do anything you don't want to. Go as slow as you want to....at your own pace, and you're in control. Look for someone with a good heart, and that comes from your observations of what s/he does. Actions always speak way louder than words. Don't be fooled by good looks and baby-blue eyes. Creeps come looking like Mel Gibson, too. They can look you straight in the eyes and lie through their teeth right in your face without blinking.
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Fri Mar 02, 2007 4:49 am      Reply with quote
My SO's ex (whom he shares an eleven yearold with) met her husband to be online about 5 years ago. They bought a house 2 years ago and are getting married in a few months.

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Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:32 pm      Reply with quote
I have tried online dating twice through dating sites and it didn't work out well for me. There ended up being no chemistry after meeting either of the guys in person. I would have preferred talking to the men more before meeting them in person but some guys seem to want to meet you right away. I guess it's to make sure you look the way you are presenting yourself in photos and through descriptions. Works both ways though as some men show you a picture from 5 years ago when they were younger, slimmer, still had their hair and were better looking. LOL Laughing I think if you are deceiving someone from the get-go, then it's bound to fail. I also think the point made about communication and length of time chatting is a key one. The more you get to know someone through writing, the more you'll know if it's a possible match. After my efforts, I've decided I prefer to meet someone through friends or work a class, or club, or anywhere a friendship can develop before a romance but I know this is hard for a lot of people, including myself, if you don't have the resources. Guess it's up to fate sometimes. Hearing all these success stories is great though!

On the other hand I met my best friend online in a forum over a year ago. It was a forum where we expressed the same views and discussed mutual topics of interest so I knew from the beginning we had lots in common. We went from posting on threads, to discussions in the forum chat room, to direct emails and then chatting through MSN. Unfortunately she lives all the way at the other end of the country so I miss her terribly, but we chat almost every day on MSN, sometimes several times a day, and I have to say it is a blessing to have gotten to know her. She has become one of the best, most loving, most supportive friends I have ever had. Every time I need her - she is right there and vice versa. We have created such a bond over this past year and a half, it's been wonderful. I also met another good friend over a Yahoo game of pool over a year ago as well and we still chat and email occasionally as well - go figure. LOL If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The online world can be a great resource for meeting new people but it can be scary as well so you just have to learn to be cautious and aware.

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Sat Mar 10, 2007 6:10 pm      Reply with quote
wildflower wrote:
I have tried online dating twice through dating sites and it didn't work out well for me. There ended up being no chemistry after meeting either of the guys in person. I would have preferred talking to the men more before meeting them in person but some guys seem to want to meet you right away. I guess it's to make sure you look the way you are presenting yourself in photos and through descriptions. Works both ways though as some men show you a picture from 5 years ago when they were younger, slimmer, still had their hair and were better looking. LOL Laughing I think if you are deceiving someone from the get-go, then it's bound to fail. I also think the point made about communication and length of time chatting is a key one. The more you get to know someone through writing, the more you'll know if it's a possible match. After my efforts, I've decided I prefer to meet someone through friends or work a class, or club, or anywhere a friendship can develop before a romance but I know this is hard for a lot of people, including myself, if you don't have the resources. Guess it's up to fate sometimes. Hearing all these success stories is great though!

On the other hand I met my best friend online in a forum over a year ago. It was a forum where we expressed the same views and discussed mutual topics of interest so I knew from the beginning we had lots in common. We went from posting on threads, to discussions in the forum chat room, to direct emails and then chatting through MSN. Unfortunately she lives all the way at the other end of the country so I miss her terribly, but we chat almost every day on MSN, sometimes several times a day, and I have to say it is a blessing to have gotten to know her. She has become one of the best, most loving, most supportive friends I have ever had. Every time I need her - she is right there and vice versa. We have created such a bond over this past year and a half, it's been wonderful. I also met another good friend over a Yahoo game of pool over a year ago as well and we still chat and email occasionally as well - go figure. LOL If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The online world can be a great resource for meeting new people but it can be scary as well so you just have to learn to be cautious and aware.


You're right. I totally believe in Fate. I for some reasons kept going back to a free trial on this particular site which was where I finally met my boyfriend. (I think it was the 3rd time when I finally met him, and each time I only stayed on for one week.) I tried diff sites, but never liked it. I almost felt a pull toward that one site only, but now that I met my boyfriend, I have no more interest to ever visit an online dating site ever again.

A friend told me she met her fiance through an online game site where she played some game with the guy and other people online. They started chatting in the chat room and found they had a lot in common, and so they're now about to be married. He lives in a diff state, but he's going to move to her state and be with her.
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Sat Mar 10, 2007 9:06 pm      Reply with quote
I think online relationships only work if you're in a certain point in life where you aren't heavily involved in school (this is especially true for secondary kids), if you're semi-independent from your parents, and you have the financial means to plan everything.

Let's face it. It ain't gonna work if you're stuck at home, no job, living with mom, and worried about homework every other night. (Strangely, I have the first two, haha, but luckily I have a small income whilst being unemployed, he has the money, and my mom is understanding).

They're heavily, emotionally taxing. I got out of a heavy one, that lasted for 4 years and it failed cause we both lost interest and he was too scared to come see me...but expected me to give up the prospect of college and my mom to go live in his country. It was horrible. It was a very trying and confusing period of my life (the end of it, which was last year) that had me in a shambles and eaten with worry everyday. It doesn't matter how far away you are from each other, no man has the right to command such things from a woman (and vice versa). I finally got the courage to shift my life (I always thought it was true love forever, blah blah blah) and tell him to give me a break, which started the downward spiral, and even after that, I kept begging him not to give up on us, but another girl (in his hometown) entered the picture and that was it. Although I was devastated, it was a wake up call and became a period I fondly look back on as "My Epiphany".

The woman I am today is because I was cheated on and abandoned by a man who promised me everything and delivered nothing. In the end, I realized I never really loved him, and that being "by myself" (to me, this was living for myself) was so much more rewarding than running away from my province and hightailing it to good old Texas.

It's ironic, because even before I got my "It's over" letter (he didn't even have the balls to call me), I began to bond with a young man whom I disliked intently six months before- we both thought the other was gay :P He messaged me a few times asking how I was cause we were forum buddies, but I never paid attention to him until my break up. We really connected through our grief and the day I realized this (the greatest, most grandest day of my life when I knew I could be my own woman, and not change for ANY man) was the day I took note of the personality on the other side of the screen. He had sent me a long message saying to always be strong and that I made him think of his own failed relationship with a woman who tossed him aside.

I don't care if it started online, because it was the most magical week of my life. Has anyone really had such a significant life change where everything they thought they knew, turned out to be everything that was false? I'll give Mr Ex that, for making me see wonderful things after the darkest time I can remember. He made me start a changing process that my Love furthered, and we took that road together. It doesn't matter what the medium, human beings will bond and connect. Sometimes you can't help it. Saying no to an online relationship one day and then becoming entranced with the thought of starting another so soon after that? That was the furthest thing from my mind.

Anyway, my "Bunny" as I call him, has been patient with me and has grown with me for the last (almost) 8 months since we started really getting to know each other. We have moved our relationship away from the computer (because feelings can be realized over a screen, I believe, but they can't be sustained there) and our life is in our voices until we make plans. Sometimes it's embarrassing because so many people judge, but nobody outside of my mother needs to know, and her support is all I need (and I do have it, finally, haha). There is no point in arguing that online relationships do exist, as long as responsible adults take the time to talk to each other. Just talk. And make efforts to move it away from the computer, where people can get caught up in the dramatic, magical feelings that sometimes emanate from IM (we've all been there Laughing ).

On a much more personal note, there is a chance I may be in the presence of my beloved in less than two weeks...the only trouble is, we waited too long to work on his * spam * and there's a huge possibility that it may come late Crying or Very sad We're devastated, but we're hoping, because we've so looked forward to him spending spring break with my mom and I.

Oh, and that's another factor. Parentals Laughing Most of you are beyond the "nesting" age, as I am (I'm 20) so it's not a big deal, but it's hard to be in a household that doesn't support your decisions. For any uber younguns' around here, don't penalize your parents for their protectiveness...the internet is a scary place and there ARE a lot of bad people out there. But there may also be a significant other, a best friend, a brother, anyone, out there for you to care about. (Just don't go looking for them Laughing )

I wish all the best to those who supplied their own examples of success stories belonging to family or friends. It takes a lot of strength and courage (and love, most of all, love) to get through the OR trials.
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Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:29 pm      Reply with quote
lindia99 wrote:
bkkgirl wrote:
I just want to point out that all is not rosy with online dating. I met a few CREEPS, liars, and cheaters.


Yes, I agree that dating with online people is risky too. Take care and good luck.


I agree too. It's hard enough trusting people IRL, nevermind online. I've never hit on guys online. Ever.
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Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:52 pm      Reply with quote
Interesting article, I met a few creeps online but then met my current husband playing an online game whilst I was getting a divorce (long story). We really hit it off online so I decided to fly to England to meet him. Everyone thought I was nuts but I just "knew" it was right. We dated long distance several months before I applied for a Visa and I moved there, we got married and had one son, then moved back to the states and had another son. We've been together 7+ years now. Coincidentally, his brother also met & married an American playing an online game too and he lives in CT.
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