*** Your daily dose of laughs thread ***
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:20 am

OMG, Shylass! You've got some funny ones there. Keep 'em coming!!! Very Happy

Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:23 am

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $33,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $33,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny, pink, porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:40 am

OMG, Havana! I'm rolling over that last one!!! Laughing

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:43 am

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:48 am

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:51 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMNzF9i8e4k

Wed Aug 08, 2007 11:55 am

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22 My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:00 pm

My mother said that last one to me! Laughing

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:02 pm

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:16 pm

Shylass, you just reminded me of another joke I used to love as a kid - not sure how it'll hold up over time, and I'm famous for getting jokes wrong, so I'll REALLY have to concentrate here...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were the best of friends. Larry liked to take it easy and play it safe, whereas Sam was a wild child, always wanting to live on the edge. One night Sam begged Larry to go for a drunken joy-ride late at night. Larry tried and tried to talk him out of it, but Sam's smooth talking won over, and they both hopped in the car. Not surprisingly, they both hit a tree at high speed and died on impact.

When he died, Larry found himself in a line leading into the pearly gates of heaven. Sam Clam was nowhere in sight. Larry was so sad to be separated from his bosom buddy in the afterlife. Once he got through the gates and was handed his harp and given his halo and wings, he just sat around moping and crying on a cloud all the time, strumming out melancholy tunes.

One day, an angel saw him crying over his harp, and asked what was wrong. "Most people are happy here," said the angel. "But you've been crying since you got here. What's wrong?" Larry told the angel about his best friend Sam, and how he missed him and wanted nothing more than to get to see Sam again. "Well," said the angel, "Maybe that can be arranged..."

Pretty soon, Sam had gotten permission from God to take a trip down to Hell and visit Sam Clam. When Larry got there, he found that Hell wasn't the unpleasant place he had imagined - everyone was dancing wildly and partying and having a great time. Larry spotted Sam in a VIP booth, and fought his way through the crowd to meet up with him.

Sam was overjoyed to see his best friend, and the two partied it up like you wouldn't believe. It turned out Sam was the owner of the giant discotheque in Hell, and he had made quite a name for himself in the afterlife. Larry twanged along on his harp to all the crazy tunes while he and Sam had a swell time. Finally, hung over and exhausted, it was time for Larry to head back up to heaven. He wished his friend well and took off back up to the pearly gates, happy that he had finally gotten to reconnect with Sam.

A couple days later, though, the same angel that had arranged his trip spotted Larry Lobster crying to himself on a cloud yet again. "What NOW, Larry?" asked the angel. "You wanted to go visit your friend Sam Clam, and I let you go! Why are you still crying?"

And Larry replied...

*sniff*...

"I left my haaaarp in Sam Clam's Disco...."

(Sorry, that's terrible, I know it is. But I was a sucker for that sorta joke in my younger years. Smile

)

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:20 pm

Oh, also:

A man walks into a bar on one of the top floors of the Empire State Building. A patron is already sitting there brooding over his drink. When the man sits down, the patron, clearly inebriated, says, "I bet you a thousand dollars that if you jump off the edge of this building, you'll totally be able to fly right back up." The man shrugs off the crazy drunk guy and tries to order a drink, but the drunk gets in his face and yells, "No, I'm serious, it totally works! I'll prove it to you!" He runs over to the open window and jumps out, and flies back up and pops in a second later.

"Holy crap!" says the man. "I wanna try!" So the man jumps out the window... and falls to his death.

The bartender turns to his inebriated patron and says, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:45 pm

Whohoo, good one Havana. Are we related, my momma taught ME some of those lessons too! Laughing

OK, but you experts have probably already heard this one.

A horse went into the bar.
The bartender said "Haaay! Why the long face?"

I...er.. know a lot of Hellen Keller jokes, but they're probably considered tasteless in these "we must not offend anyone" times Laughing

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:44 pm

I know what you mean, Athena. My very favorite joke ever is funny and innocent in MY mind, but it can be misconstrued as slightly racist, so I never tell it unless I'm in a group where I know people won't attack me. So much in tone and intention can get lost online that it's a dangerous place to say things that could potentially get misread! (I'm sure that kind of goes without saying, fellow forum folks...)

Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:47 pm

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:55 pm

Hahahahahahahahaha that one's really good, havana8.

Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:52 pm

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:57 pm

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:26 pm

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

5. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:30 pm

12 Rules of Life:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential relationship words: I apologize" and "you are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her—believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles.
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you wake up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire.
12. And finally… be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty the bed pan.

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:32 pm

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

So the string goes around to the back alley, ties its head in a loop, and scratches up its ends a bit against a wall. It goes back into the bar and tries to order a drink again.

The bartender says, "Aren't you the same string I just kicked out a minute ago?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed not!"

Wed Aug 08, 2007 7:55 pm

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M."

Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:06 pm

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following are some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Negligent (adj.) , describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

The Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND a jerk.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Taxation Office, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:07 pm

A middle-aged man began worrying about his teenage son, and what he might end up doing for a living. To satisfy himself, and test the lad he went to the boy's room and placed four things on his study table:

* A Bible;
* A Dollar;
* A quart of whisky;
* A playboy magazine.

The man thought to himself: "I'll watch from behind the door. If the boy picks up the bible, the lad will be a preacher. If he picks up the dollar, he'll be a businessman. If he picks up the whisky, he'll end up a no-good drunk. Worst of all, if he picks up the magazine he'll be a no-good skirt-chasing wastrel!"

When the son entered the room and spotted the objects, he tossed his books on his bed, and to his father's delight picked up the bible. Then he picked up the dollar and put it in his pocket. Then, he popped the cork on the whisky and took a good slug while he admired the centerfold in the Playboy magazine.

"God almighty damn!" the old man exclaimed to himself. "That little bastard's gonna run for Congress!"

free skin care · Wed Aug 08, 2007 11:49 pm

Thank you all again but the winner today has to be:
"those little Meals on Wheels" Laughing

free skin care · Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:21 am

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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