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havana8
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:30 am      Reply with quote
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence… Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt… one button at a time…

No one moves…

He removes his shirt…

Muscles ripple across his chest…

She GASPS……

He whispers……

“Iron this, and get me something to eat.”
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:49 am      Reply with quote
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, "I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary, unusual." The pet shop owner replied, "Well, I have one Rairy-bird left…" The man said, "I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual, I'll take it!" So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself, "I've got to get rid of this animal – I can't afford to feed it!" So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump truck: "It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!"
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:59 am      Reply with quote
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine. However, a beautiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated. Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship. One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned. He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily. And this is what he sang: "I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone…"
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:04 pm      Reply with quote
OMG! That airplane joke is hilarious!!!

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Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:12 pm      Reply with quote
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

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Thu Aug 09, 2007 4:14 pm      Reply with quote
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

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havana8
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 5:36 pm      Reply with quote
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…"Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?'"

"I remember that, too." she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today."
havana8
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:14 pm      Reply with quote
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, son, but, well, your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son exclaims.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so please call your sister in Chicago and let her know," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who shouts, "What?! Over my dead body they're getting divorced!" she says, "I'll take care of this."

Immediately she calls Phoenix and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced, Dad! Don't do a single thing until we get there. We'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do anything, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man puts the phone receiver down and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "so they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:20 pm      Reply with quote
ROFL I'm dying over that last one!!!

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Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:48 pm      Reply with quote
I have to give it to the:
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

OMG Laughing Laughing

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havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:07 am      Reply with quote
A woman was working at a lingerie department when a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties saying she wanted to buy them, "but only if you are able to embroider `If you can read this, you're too close' on the back."

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request.

The tailor said, "Well, she sounds like a real stick in the mud, but I suppose I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "Do you want that in block letters or script?"

The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille."
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:03 am      Reply with quote
http://www.jibjab.com/originals/do_i_creep_you_out

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:15 am      Reply with quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SbZ6BFwqgw

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:29 pm      Reply with quote
ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN?

Here are some ways to test yourself:

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Legos. (If Lego's are not available you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals. (Goats will do nicely.) Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large live octopus or giant squid. Stuff into a small mesh bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy breakfast cereal into the mouth of the jug as it swings by while you pretend to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Physical Test for Women: Obtain a large beanbag and sew it to the front of your clothes. Add two pounds of beans per month for nine months. Then remove the beans, but do not remove the bag.

Night Test: Obtain a canvas bag, similar to those used to prepare for floods. Fill with ten pounds of sand, and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Put down the bag and lie down, setting your alarm for 10:00pm. Pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up more if necessary and continue singing, waltzing, and humming until 4:00am. Set down the bag and set your alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Look pretty. Do this every night for five years.

Physical Test for Men: Go to the drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter and tell the clerk to help himself. Then proceed to the nearest food store. Arrange for your paychecks to be deposited directly to the food store's bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child's table manners. You may eventually make new friends to replace these.
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:44 pm      Reply with quote
More Kids Say the Darnedest Things…

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
-----
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
-----
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't sweetie," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
-----
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
-----
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "Yes, I know," she says, "and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:53 pm      Reply with quote
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2, and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

*********************************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby… Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck, Tech Support
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:01 pm      Reply with quote
Cat Haikus

The food in my bowl
is old, and more to the point:
Contains no tuna.

****

There's no dignity
in being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

****

Seeking solitude –
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

****

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl.
Presentation: One star; Service: None.

****

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

****

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

****

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

****

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:24 pm      Reply with quote
Anagrams

Someone out there either has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble…

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (with no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:30 pm      Reply with quote
SHOWERING PRACTICES

How To Shower Like a Woman:
• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Turn off shower.
• Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
• Spray mold spots with Tilex.
• Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
• Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
• Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
• Dry off forearms and butt only.
• Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:43 pm      Reply with quote
MEN TRANSLATIONS


"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home
with.

"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round
they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"Let’s get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?"
--I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
--I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.

"Excuse Me." (Male to female)
--I am going to grope you now.

"I'm out of here; I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding
him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?

"Can I just get a glass of water?"
--It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it's the least you can do for
me.

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:45 pm      Reply with quote
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:50 pm      Reply with quote
'There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into
heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the
worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I
knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work
one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't
find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the
darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him
with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush
so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him,
the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on
my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day
and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God
spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating
my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I
landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just
picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:51 pm      Reply with quote
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:52 pm      Reply with quote
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exhausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:54 pm      Reply with quote
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

‘‘What does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.''

_________________
Christy
System
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Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:28 am
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