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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:58 pm      Reply with quote
A Few Philosophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a
bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're going to steal the
neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore
someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry. . But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.

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Christy
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:00 pm      Reply with quote
For women - Helpful info.
For men - For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Don't breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:06 pm      Reply with quote
Ode To A Mammogram


For year’s years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My Boob was in a vice!!

My skin was stretched'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now lets get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "WITHOUT"!!

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havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:09 pm      Reply with quote
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:12 pm      Reply with quote
Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

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Christy
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:13 pm      Reply with quote
ROFL, Havana!!

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Christy
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:15 pm      Reply with quote
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted
the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey . .
. . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working
on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy
doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts,
and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big
bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . "Try
doing your work with the engine running."

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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:16 pm      Reply with quote
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

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havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:19 pm      Reply with quote
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:19 pm      Reply with quote
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an
attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight
Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington
Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238
the man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a
beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,
"If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he
did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into
the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that
he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
"How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight
man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him,
"Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your
house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When
he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a
sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took
a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did
catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20
pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end
asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At
about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this
large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going
to have you."

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havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:33 pm      Reply with quote
Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to send out invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line.

Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from my husband: "Imagine my disappointment," he wrote, "when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me." He was referring, of course, to the "Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch and a Shower."
havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:00 pm      Reply with quote
An arrogant Department of Agriculture (DOA) representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agricultural representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams. He saw the DOA rep running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"
havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:04 pm      Reply with quote
As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:24 pm      Reply with quote
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
havana8
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:35 pm      Reply with quote
Thanks for all the laughs this week, Shylass!
Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:07 pm      Reply with quote
You're welcome and thanks for talking to me. It gets a little lonely here sometimes. I've told my hubby all about this great forum and he can tell that I'm not as depressed. I'll keep the jokes coming.........I never thought they would come in handy one day! Laughing

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:09 pm      Reply with quote
An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:11 pm      Reply with quote
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:15 pm      Reply with quote
Shake her hand


An international competition for the title of the manliest man comprised three
tests. Every participant must:

1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka;

2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear

3. To make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her life took a bath.

A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.

An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he
saw the female bear.

A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion,
and then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked,
"Where is the woman to shake her hand?"

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:23 pm      Reply with quote
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under
the door."

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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:26 pm      Reply with quote
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.

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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:28 pm      Reply with quote
KY Jelly

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to
the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."

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Shylass
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Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:36 pm      Reply with quote
Actual Doctor's Notes

These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes- unedited!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband,I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.(Ouch!)

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

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Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:11 pm      Reply with quote
Shylass wrote:
You're welcome and thanks for talking to me. It gets a little lonely here sometimes. I've told my hubby all about this great forum and he can tell that I'm not as depressed. I'll keep the jokes coming.........I never thought they would come in handy one day! Laughing


They've come in very handy, I'd say, since they've brightened a whole lot of days...Laughing
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Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:47 am      Reply with quote
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah… so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
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