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havana8
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Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:55 am      Reply with quote
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."
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Sat Aug 11, 2007 8:22 pm      Reply with quote
I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much...

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
bed. The
passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like
it, I
just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT!?! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love
me for
who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with
her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department
store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd
just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes,
so I
said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play
tennis. I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with
excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's
go
to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT!?!"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the I
things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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havana8
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:27 am      Reply with quote
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school in their area. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and Dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework! The boy keeps doing this every day for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

The mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math, Son?"

The son looks at his mom and dad and says, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom and saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk, I knew they meant business."
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:44 pm      Reply with quote
wow, I've only been gone a few days and the 2 joke queens have added some real good ones! Shylass and Havana, keep 'em coming!

I especially liked the Male Translations and Cat Haikus! Laughing

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havana8
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:58 pm      Reply with quote
In Alaska's National Forests, a tourist guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic." To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "it's the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:52 pm      Reply with quote
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan of course) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there are no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect
man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this (most of you are), this
illustrates another point: women never listen.

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:53 pm      Reply with quote
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

“ He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

“ Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

“ He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

“ Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

“ He died of a broken neck."

“ A broken neck?"

“ He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:54 pm      Reply with quote
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:56 pm      Reply with quote
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BEEATCH!"

They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:59 pm      Reply with quote
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave
that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:01 pm      Reply with quote
There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:07 pm      Reply with quote
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her
mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:09 pm      Reply with quote
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home,
but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he
took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the
collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening
his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will
dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:19 pm      Reply with quote
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted
him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness
in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access
to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at
your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without
prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and
the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the
dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to
review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library.
Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over
and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not
celibate!"

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:21 pm      Reply with quote
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "She's Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?"

She said, "Even better… I'm Sarah Finkel from 302. Cohen, my doctor doesn't tell me anything!"
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:23 pm      Reply with quote
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, ‘‘My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."

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Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:58 pm      Reply with quote
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his very first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper, Kid. We don't use words like breasts around here. You need to take this back and write something more appropiate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report: "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:00 pm      Reply with quote
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm not from Georgia either. I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
havana8
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:19 pm      Reply with quote
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
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Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:28 pm      Reply with quote
havana8 wrote:
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."


Ah hahahahahahahhahahahaaha this is the best blonde joke EVER! (And I'm blonde myself so I've heard nearly all of them!)

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 9:12 am      Reply with quote
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not: these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North..oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:01 pm      Reply with quote
OMG!!! That's so funny. Sometimes I can't believe how stupid some people can be.

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:05 pm      Reply with quote
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. She replied, "You're going to die."

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:09 pm      Reply with quote
How To Tell Where A Driver Is From...


One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:15 pm      Reply with quote
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the first PITCH!" ...

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