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Shylass
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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:18 pm      Reply with quote
Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:24 pm      Reply with quote
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:33 pm      Reply with quote
It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

" DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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Shylass
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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:45 pm      Reply with quote
Military etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:50 pm      Reply with quote
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:18 pm      Reply with quote
10 signs your an Internet geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:24 pm      Reply with quote
TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING


1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:27 pm      Reply with quote
Labour Pains


A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:29 pm      Reply with quote
Cosmetics Line

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:37 pm      Reply with quote
Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:40 pm      Reply with quote
My men are very brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

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Thu Aug 23, 2007 1:59 pm      Reply with quote
Laughing Yes, change your course indeed! Is that really true? I bet it is!

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Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:44 pm      Reply with quote
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Jim. Women like that are hard to find."
havana8
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Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:51 pm      Reply with quote
The letter to dad:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

---------

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad
havana8
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Fri Sep 07, 2007 8:59 pm      Reply with quote
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havana8
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Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:02 pm      Reply with quote
from the email today…

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havana8
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Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:16 pm      Reply with quote
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How you can tell when your neighbor is mad at you...
havana8
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Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:03 pm      Reply with quote
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought quietly for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister and your brother the same question. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, if you had the chance, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would, dear! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Ahhhh, yeah, in a heartbeat!! I LOVE Brad Pitt. Are you nuts?"

Lastly, the boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "So how did it go, son? Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
havana8
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Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:27 pm      Reply with quote
Morris, an 85 year-old man, went to the doctor for his yearly physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

At his next appointment the following week, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you Morris?"

Morris replied happily, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

"That's not what I said," replied the doctor. "What I said was, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
Shylass
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Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:08 pm      Reply with quote
Havana, I loved those pics. They were too funny!

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Tue Sep 11, 2007 5:13 pm      Reply with quote
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives.

Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans needed to be made.

Along the way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner?" asked George.

The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"

George: "Do you sell heart medications?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about support hose for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"

Pharmacist: "Yes sir."

George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Gerital, Preparation-H and ExLax?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "

George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"

George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist: "Well, we've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."
SnowWhite
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Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:57 am      Reply with quote
This video about all the gorgeous women in Sweden made me laugh. I guess they all get beauty tips from EDS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h50xV8guzLc
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Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:16 am      Reply with quote
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer. "Is anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still there was no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel all alone and scared, so she yelled at the top of her voice. "HELLO!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!" Then she heard a faint voice coming from far, far away............................ "WE'RE DOWN HERE!
havana8
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Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:25 am      Reply with quote
Best OUT OF OFFICE email auto-replies:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

And, FINALLY…

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'!
SnowWhite
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Thu Oct 18, 2007 2:36 pm      Reply with quote
They just added another video about France which is pretty funny. I think I might head to Paris, I could use some romance myself...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW-qHfQvEvA
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