Do men REALLY go through a midlife crisis?
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free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 1:01 pm

I always heard about this but never thought much about it. Rolling Eyes

Is it true? Did it happen to your hubba hubba? Cool

Pip

free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 3:17 pm

It's happening to my DH RIGHT NOW

We have 3 kids in elementary school, live in a VERY ritzy 'hood, and quit a 500+K/yr job. He just "needs to do this". He's starting his own fund b/c he has a talent & interest for it.

I'm either gonna end up having a heart attack AND ulcer or being committed - or maybe BOTH

free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:23 pm

I hear you Sad

Mine just resigned as Pastor because "He didn't have it in him anymore" and joined a band. No joke Shock

Maybe if we are both comitted we can join hands and sing cumbaya while enjoying our meds! Embarassed

Pip

free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:58 pm

Mine has taken up the guitar. Cheaper than a big bike and less dangerous than a mistress. Or the other way around Neutral

free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:20 pm

OMG, TSJ and Pippi ... I'd laugh but it would be rude! My kindest thoughts are with you!

I want a mid-life crisis, damn it!

free skin care · Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:42 pm

Pippi - that's the best mid-life change I've ever heard of Laughing

free skin care · Fri Jun 22, 2007 10:01 am

LOL! Tell me about it.

Oh well, at least now I can watch my HBO favorite "Big Love" without getting the "look". You know, that little condescending half smile and ever so slight shake of the head. Rolling Eyes

I guess I was never really Pastor wife material anyway Wink

free skin care · Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:38 pm

It's true they do. Mine (although it has been five years now, since we divorced), but he is still going through it. He started out, taking guitar lessons, (okay a new interest), then he bought a new sports car (again,I like new cars), he shaved off all of his facial hair and then died it. (it was getting grey). He had a melt down and cried every other day about the fact that his son is getting older, going to move out, his parents are getting older...they will be passing. Then, when he quit his 350K year job, to try to get sponsors for him to race motocross (at 45 years old) come on now, that is when I really started to think "something was up". He had a family to support. He started telling me he was not sure if he wanted to be married anymore, he thought maybe there was more to life than what we are doing. Well of course there was more to life...her name was Elizabeth! I left him and did not look back. After 18 years, you have to be kidding me. He has since went through some finanical issues, 5 different girls, ranging from 19 years old to 50 years old. One of his girlfriends (EX) told me she found Vigra bottles all over the house...(well, well well...). His mid life crisis still goes on. Working on his sixth year. And men talk about women with PMS

free skin care · Fri Jun 22, 2007 7:17 pm

Omigod - I'm in the midst of a divorce because of my (soon to be ex-) hubby's midlife crisis. He's several years younger than I am - just turned 40 this year. For the last year, he's been such a selfish jerk (well... even more than usual Laughing

).

He took up the saxophone a couple of years ago -he'd played as a kid & wanted a hobby, so I was ok with it. Then he decided to collect vintage saxes (he has about $60K in saxophones now!). Then he started wanting to play in "gigs" all the time - carrying his sax wherever we went so he could "sit in." We took a last minute trip to the US Virgin Islands last Sept because he wanted to find a business down there so we could move there (of course, never asking me if this was something I was ok with...). He hosted this HUGE event for his 40th birthday this year - and I was hardly even included, except for playing taxi driver for the band. So I wasn't hugely surprised when he told me in April that he didn't want to be married anymore - still haven't figured out if that was married at all, or just married to me. He's since gotten his ears pierced with those thicker rings, bought an old limo so he & friends could party without worrying about driving (he'd hire a driver), is adding all kinds of chrome to his motorcycle, etc.

Unbelievable! I almost wish he'd just gone the red Corvette & girlfriend route... But then again, I'm also realizing how much better my life is going to be without him...

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 6:20 am

OMG, I had no idea I was so not alone!

My former college professor spouse kept himself young with ... YOU GUESSED IT, willing college students.

That was ten years ago. A couple weeks ago at #3 son's high school graduation open house his sister sidled up to me and whispered in my ear, "You know ... he never REALLY wanted a divorce."

Good thing I'm mostly a highly moral person and my brain registered before my fist did.

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 7:21 am

cat and 4sons - really sorry that you had to go thru something like that. What are guys (and sometimes gals) thinking sometimes? Confused

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 7:39 am

Pippi_Plum wrote:

I hear you Sad

Mine just resigned as Pastor because "He didn't have it in him anymore" and joined a band. No joke Shock

Maybe if we are both comitted we can join hands and sing cumbaya while enjoying our meds! Embarassed

Pip

Oh Pip that is too funny. Laughing

Sorry, maybe it is not funny to you. It is like you have a new man living with you. Wink

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:14 am

tsjmom wrote:

cat and 4sons - really sorry that you had to go thru something like that. What are guys (and sometimes gals) thinking sometimes? Confused

Did you see that Chili Peckers thread? THAT'S what they're thinking with!!

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:44 am

I understand guys and their midlife crises. When you think about it, career women have the same thing. I dont know a single career woman who has not raised her head after getting where she wants to be in her career and thought "What NOW? this is IT??" Women with families have the steady and busy relationships and tasks that fill their lives. They often have trouble with "empty nest syndrome," but hopefully then find new hobbies or interests (or grandchildren). If you grew up wanting a family -- that's what you get, and it takes up the rest of your life.

Men are about activities and careers, and define themselves by what they do. The treadmill they hopped on at 25 isn't doing it for them anymore. It's VERY tough, because they often have several people depending on them financially. Which adds to the panic and resentment, frankly.

I'm a single woman. And, okay, simply put: Im very bright -- I could do anything I want. I am so grateful that making money has never been a measure of happiness for me. I was able to be a bohemian artist in NYC, a young socialite wife, a screenwriter in Hollywood, then start my own business, and now I work for Trader Joe's -- with no one to criticize or complain (or suffer) because of my choices. I spose they might say I've had several crises -- or just couldn't stick with one job. LOL The trade-off to that freedom is that I will soon move to a smaller apartment with a roomate. Thats the upside, too -- he's 26, adorable, and cooks!

Life crises are natural for EVERYONE. You look up after spending years achieving your "goals" to realize you don't know what to do next. Is this IT? The next thing you're going to do is... DIE? Quick! Do what you can before you get too old! Makeup for lost time! Go crazy!

And ladies, your men aren't doing it TO you. It's a natural event in the lives of those who have followed a basic conformed pattern. I sympathize with all crises. We're all on the same difficult journey, doing the best we can.

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 11:49 am

Sorry Sidda, but I completely disagree with you. Shock

This is a MARRIAGE so if they are doing it, we are going through it as well. So yes, they are doing it TO us.

Hey, I get that "Is this it" feeling sometimes as well. But Hell, I am not going to run bare assed down the road screaming. I mean I do not want TO embarrass my significant other! LOL Bad Grin

Pip

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:13 pm

I understand if this is a womens (mostly) forum and all, but I have to agree with Sidda.

Entering into a marriage where you promise someone else that you're entering into a pact for life doesn't seem very loving to me. This is why I reject the current social outlook of marriage to begin with, but that's not the conversation.

"Mid-life crisis" is just a way of saying I need to do something new with my life. True, many men and women who "go through" them choose to or accidentally put their spouses and children through harm, and that's the big issue for me. But other than that, I can't blame a man for wanting to take back an instrument and follow another calling in life. So what? Wanting to keep a spouse anchored in a homelife that makes them unhappy isn't exactly something that they should tolerate either.

My dad left my mom and I because he was unhappy at home. My mom wanted him to pay more attention to his family, of course, but my dad wanted to go off with his buddies, wanted to work when he wanted to, etc. Although it has been very hard financially for my mom and I, we've both grown into independent, mature women, and I personally don't fault my dad at all. He hasn't been able to pull it together since leaving, but how could I tell him to also stay at home with us when he clearly wasn't happy either?

If your spouse burns you by turning away and saying marriage life isn't for him, how are you justifying the situation by making him stay? It doesn't make sense. Life isn't over after marriage and it's not a binding promise. I'd rather see my dad or a spouse go and try to make a happier life for themselves and trying new things, than saying, "No, you're not allowed, this is it."

As for the men being mentioned quitting their multi-K jobs, well, maybe the wives should look into getting a job, or moving elsewhere. Money isn't happiness, and no one should be faulted for wanting to give that up.

If a woman or man feels victimized by their spouse wanting more from life, perhaps the "victim" should look into creating more for his/herself and children instead of out-and-out critisizing someone else's decision to play in a band and such.

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:29 pm

Freva, I think you are missing the point of this thread. Please refer to the first post Very Happy

I do not want to debate how women should not make someone stay in a unsatisfactory marriage yadda yadda yadda. That was not the intention of this thread.

Do I love my husband? Yes
Do I need his money? No
Will my world cease to exist if he leaves me? No
I love my husband and his companionship but I do have other interest. I will be very comfortable if we divorce tomorrow. I do not need to go look for a job or outside interest because I have those already.

The issue here is this. Marriage, conventional or not should be a partnership. If not why be married? What one does will affect the other, no getting around that.
If I decided I needed a new interest today and began my "new" career as a stripper, don't you think that would affect my hubby or family? Would we still be saying that hubby needs to get a job or outside interest because it shouldn't affect him? Razz

I am not here to bash men. I just wanted to know if in fact the term "midlife crisis" was an urban legend. Rolling Eyes

The topic of this thread is NOT about women who have to hang on their man to be happy or drag their hubby down to be happy.

I think we are getting off my original topic. Again, please refer to my first post.

Wow! What started off a fun sharing thread has taken on a very condescending tone. Very sad. Confused

Pip

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 2:11 pm

I find it interesting the idea it is only men who go through it. after finally going to college in the last three years I have: decided to study to doctorate level, done pin up modelling, write erotica, had an affair with a younger man, cried cos I'm no longer fertile and now I am seriously considering a boob job and botox! Not forgetting my little cyber slave of course from my newly developed interest in fetishism. If that ain't a mid life crisis, I don't know what is!

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 2:34 pm

guapagirl wrote:

I find it interesting the idea it is only men who go through it.

Oh, I would never say it's just a guy thing at all. My younger sister, married for 23 years, decided she wanted a divorce a couple of years ago. Since then, she's tried playing the drums, does tai chi (or is it qi gong?), has gone totally "new age" (she was always the ultra conservative one), etc.

I'm going through my own mini-evolution right now - cut my hair, toning up since I've lost a lot of weight, bought a red sporty car (still has room for the dogs though) instead of the monster Suburban I was driving, got 2 new kittens 'cause there's no one around to bitch about them now, etc.

To me, the difference with guys' mid-life crises is that they don't focus as much on the effect their actions will have on their loved ones. I know my sister agonized for YEARS before finally deciding to divorce her husband. She wasn't happy, but their life wasn't dreadful either. And she felt really bad about the effect the aftermath had on her ex & her boys. I can tell you for sure MY soon-to-be-ex is NOT thinking about anyone but himself right now...

free skin care · Sat Jun 23, 2007 8:05 pm

Pippi_Plum wrote:

Freva, I think you are missing the point of this thread. Please refer to the first post Very Happy

I do not want to debate how women should not make someone stay in a unsatisfactory marriage yadda yadda yadda. That was not the intention of this thread.

Do I love my husband? Yes
Do I need his money? No
Will my world cease to exist if he leaves me? No
I love my husband and his companionship but I do have other interest. I will be very comfortable if we divorce tomorrow. I do not need to go look for a job or outside interest because I have those already.

The issue here is this. Marriage, conventional or not should be a partnership. If not why be married? What one does will affect the other, no getting around that.
If I decided I needed a new interest today and began my "new" career as a stripper, don't you think that would affect my hubby or family? Would we still be saying that hubby needs to get a job or outside interest because it shouldn't affect him? Razz

I am not here to bash men. I just wanted to know if in fact the term "midlife crisis" was an urban legend. Rolling Eyes

The topic of this thread is NOT about women who have to hang on their man to be happy or drag their hubby down to be happy.

I think we are getting off my original topic. Again, please refer to my first post.

Wow! What started off a fun sharing thread has taken on a very condescending tone. Very sad. Confused

Pip

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound condenscending, and my point wasn't to go off on the "empowering" speech, haha. What I meant was that I understand why people do the things they do- they're clearly unhappy.

I know that marriage is supposed to be for life, but this is the exact thing that's wrong with it. What may seemed "right" and fulfilling when at one point may seem threatening in another time in our lives. We all grow as people and I would think that we have to enter into something to realize that perhaps, it may not be the best route for us someday.

edit: I agree with what's said above that it most certainly isn't only men who go through it. C'mon, ladies...

There is a woman in her late forties who used to be friends with my aunt. She started severing her friendships by creating disputes and making herself (my aunt's ex-friend) the center of attention. She also encouraged her daughter to get pregnant by a rich younger guy, and has had numerous affairs with younger men, including one of her daughter's ex boyfriends. She got a tummy tuck, breast implants, and has photos of herself on facebook in stripper's clothing. Her husband is probably sick with worry about all of this sudden change, but he puts up with it because he loves her.

Clearly, the woman is unhappy and is expressing her discontentment in the most hurtful (to herself and family) way possible. And it all happened within the same year, and it just...blows my mind. Ridiculous behaviour isn't restricted to men.

free skin care · Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:22 am

FrevaKZ wrote:

There is a woman in her late forties who used to be friends with my aunt. She started severing her friendships by creating disputes and making herself (my aunt's ex-friend) the center of attention. She also encouraged her daughter to get pregnant by a rich younger guy, and has had numerous affairs with younger men, including one of her daughter's ex boyfriends. She got a tummy tuck, breast implants, and has photos of herself on facebook in stripper's clothing. Her husband is probably sick with worry about all of this sudden change, but he puts up with it because he loves her.

Clearly, the woman is unhappy and is expressing her discontentment in the most hurtful (to herself and family) way possible. And it all happened within the same year, and it just...blows my mind. Ridiculous behaviour isn't restricted to men.

The rumors about encouraging my daughter to get pregnant are not true!

Sorry just trying to introduce a bit of levity Very Happy

free skin care · Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:39 am

You are a very scandalous woman Wink

free skin care · Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:57 am

FrevaKZ wrote:

You are a very scandalous woman Wink

Yeah, but the facebook site is one of the most visited Very Happy

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