Do you EVER get over divorce?
EDS Skin Care Forums Forum Index » EDS Lounge

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:26 am

Hi ladies,

I have no choice but to do some venting here, b/c my friends and family all think I am doing "so well" but here's the truth; it's been almost 3 years since my husband left me and I can't get over it. Oh, I have good days and sometimes I go for weeks at a time w/o thinking about him. But last week a mutual "friend" called to "update" me on what my ex is doing now (why, I don't know)and ever since I can't think of anything else.

I literally couldn't sleep last night thinking about the hurt and betrayal and all the ways that he ruined my life. Only now am I starting to recover financially, and I'm beginning to think I'll never recover emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.

I guess I'm just looking for an encouraging word from someone who has been in my position. I hate that everybody thinks I've totally moved on w/ my life and that everything is going great when inside I still feel like garbage. I tried counseling but even my counselor's attitude was "get over it". Is there something wrong w/ me? Sad

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:39 am

Yes you do! People move past things at their own pace, forget what everyone is telling you to do and let yourself experience what ever emotions you need to for you to heal. Betrayal is a very hard thing to get over, I know first hand from my first husband. I would get a new therapist if that was his/her attitude, what a crack pot. And for your "friend" who felt the need to take it upon his/her self to give you an update, I would tell them to F off with a capital F! What a cruel and rude thing to do, if you wanted an status report on your ex you would have called him yourself, right? Don't feel like anything is wrong with you, a lot of times people around you have no idea how hard getting past something like this is. Focus on getting past it rather than over it, although with time getting over it is possible. There is no timetable, its different for every person. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way!

ETA: You are not garbage, remember the problem was with your ex, not you, as hard as it is to not take their betrayal personally focus on the good that you have to offer and making yourself the best version you can possibly be! Most importantly dont let his careless actions allow you to become bitter, being bitter is just one more way for him to control your life even when he isnt in it. Karma does exist and he'll get his!

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:08 am

Hi Bunny, it can take a long time to trust again, especially if he betrayed you. Go at your own pace and not the pace others set for you. YOU are the one who was betrayed. I agree with V - the "friend" who updated you is certainly no friend, I'd tell her to FO and rid yourself of such a negative influence.

I never married the first true love of my life; we lived together for several years. I would have married him in a heartbeat until I found out about his affair. I was absolutely devastated; leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I'm not the kind of woman that shares my man. I didn't realize until 6 months after it ended that he was cruel to me in some ways and he really played a lot of headgames with me. I was only 21 at the time and some of his words still ring in my ears; in that sense, I've never gotten over it but I no longer dwell on it either. I learned from it as well and when he came back a couple years later wanting to come back into my life, I was able to tell him to FO with a capital F! Laughing

It was easier when I divorced my husband a few years ago primarily because I wasn't as deeply in love with him as I can be and because I was the one that decided to end the marriage rather than a result of betrayal.

Unless you're talking about your ex all the time and he crops up in your thoughts constantly, then it's still healthy to grieve over the loss. Find another therapist who has a clue! Very Happy

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:40 am

I am with Vonstella and Athena.
People grieve in different ways and go thru recovery at different pace.

It will be a while, but you will get over him and over all the hurt and pain of betrayal. The therapist does not sound to be a qualified professional, so I also think you should look for another one. I also would recommend losing some "friends" with a very polite and firm "NO". It is perfectly OK to say "Thanks you, but if I were interested in that information I would have asked you". Sometimes being direct and may be a bit crude does help to put boundaries and let people know that you would not allow them to hurt you.

Best of luck,
Lucy.

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:17 pm

I went through a really rough breakup that took me over three years to get over, even though we were only together for less than a year -- and all my friends had the same "get over it" attitude, and my best friend who would've been supportive and helpful was miles away.

People really, really do take different amounts of time. I hate all those guidelines that say "half the time you were together", etc. -- such crap. Certain people and certain circumstances just make things different -- don't feel guilty about taking your time!

I totally agree that your therapist was out of line. I guess I've lucked out because the only three counselors I've ever had were all wonderful and supportive. I've heard horror stories from others about how they've felt snubbed by counselors, and all I can say is KEEP LOOKING, because really good counselors are out there and you will find someone who's a better fit for you eventually. I know it's really hard to go through the process of opening up and explaining your situation over and over again, but finding the right person to do it with is SO rewarding that it's worth it in the end.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace with this. We all support you in taking as long as you need to get over your ex.

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:58 pm

Bunny,
I agree, it takes different people different times to heal. It has been a year since my separation and although I feel that I have moved on emotionally, I would never be ready to be in another relationship, and at this point, do not think I will EVER want to do that again. But people change with time, and I am sure you will get over this in your own time. Good luck to you.

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:46 pm

I completely agree with everyone who suggested another therapist. From reading your post, I think you still need to talk it out some more with someone who will listen and give you the tools to put the betrayal behind you and move on with your life.
Best of luck Bunny, and go find that therapist Very Happy

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 4:29 pm

Hi Bunny - Everyone heals from the loss of a love and/or divorce at their own speed, so know that what you're feeling right now is perfectly normal. Having a good counsellor to help you through this difficult time would be ideal and something that I would personally pursue further. However, until you find that perfect counsellor you might want to explore a few self-help methods to keep you on a healing path and alleviate some of your emotional pain.

I'm not certain if you've heard of this before but I highly recommend a simple practice that you can do on your own called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Essentially you are tapping meridian points on your body that contain channels of energy (both positive & negative). When a person experiences any kind of emotional 'trauma', a common side-effect is negative feelings that are easily triggered and often persistent. The inability to detach from these persistent unwanted emotions (or feelings) is generally an indication that negative emotional energies are trapped within your nervous system. EFT or 'Tapping' is an excellent way to unblock any kind of trapped or stagnant energy that is preventing you from feeling peaceful and hijacking your efforts to heal. It doesn't matter what caused the upset to originate from either, the fact is your emotions are in turmoil and this in turns affects your body and mind. Tapping is also helpful if you find that you are obsessing over something (or someone), as this type of thinking is often a manifestation of negative emotions.

With daily Tapping practice you will likely notice a positive shift in your feelings in a short period of time. I would have to rank this technique as one of the best & quickest ways to 'take your power back' and become emotionally grounded again. If EFT is new to you then I would watch a brief video about it atwww.emofree.com. Then I would go towww.tapping.com/videos.html and watch the actual videos of the Tapping technique for FREE! There are at least 13 videos to watch and all of them are excellent.

If you enjoy reading, a highly-reviewed self-help book on overcoming loss and divorce is, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher. I personally feel that healing from loss is a multi-pronged process, so every little thing that you do for yourself to help you through this difficult chapter in your life is worthwhile. I don't know if you've explored support groups for divorce in real life or online, but this might be a helpful outlet when you need to connect with others to share your feelings and can't talk to a counsellor or your family and friends (who think everything is okay). A friend of mine joined a women's support group after her husband suddenly left her and she found it very instrumental as she transitioned out of married life. Support groups are like counsellors though, you may have to test-drive a few before you find the right fit.

Healing really is a 'journey' so go at your own pace and do what feels right for you. Warmest wishes and lots of healing thoughts are being sent your way.

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 6:26 pm

Everyone's advice seems to have covered it. There's no timeline for grief. It took me years to get over my former fiance also; I was in a relationship with a new BF when it finally happened. In fact, I didn't even realize I wasn't over the FF until I saw him one day.

free skin care · Tue Oct 23, 2007 11:52 pm

My first boyfriend and i broke up years ago but i think of him more often than i will admit to anyone. he contacted me a few months ago and wanted to be friends. we chatted a few times but i decided that it was best to not be friends since i didn't want to rekindle any old feelings (i know we will never be happy as a couple), so i stopped all communication with him. it's hard, but i really hope you know that you're not alone in feeling like you do.

Kris

free skin care · Wed Oct 24, 2007 10:07 am

To me, I felt that my marriage ended (no more love) 8 years before we legally divorced, so the divorce was a huge liberation that sent a signal that I could start a new life, and look for a new love. Maybe because of such a huge amount of time had passed, I got through the divorce easily. I don't feel any pang when I think or see my ex. He's just a stranger to me. Last year he sued me for full custody of the kids and cost me a lot of money, time, and grief. In the end he lost. He even told me he thought I was a good mother after the custody evaluator ruled in my favor. This made me hate him when I didn't before. I also didn't realize throughout the marriage and the 16 years we were together that he could lie with a straight face while looking you right in the eyes. It was amazing how you could be with someone for so long and still don't know what he's capable of at all. Rolling Eyes

Anyway, the moral of the story I think is that time heals all. Three years aren't that long to forgive and forget. Take your time to get past this. Try to get interested in something, a hobby, or a pet. I got a new puppy, and just adore her. She's a Maltese. I have had lots of labs before, but I must admit my little Maltese is winning my heart above all. She will just hang out by me and watch me do everything. She's most content to just sit and watch TV with me. If I am on the treadmill, she sits on the couch and chews on her bone. If I'm getting ready in the morning, she'll sit and wait patiently by my feet. I've never known a dog to do this before. She gives you all her love, but she spreads her love to all those around you, too.

free skin care · Wed Oct 24, 2007 10:14 am

bkkgirl, wow, are you sure we weren't married to the same man?
this sounds exactly what I went through, by the time it was over, I was just so relieved and so happy to be rid of him that I don't feel like I went through the grief that comes with divorce. I mean obviously I was sad for the kids, but I was truly happy for it to be over. And come next friday, whatever the ruling, I will be happy that is FINALLY OVER.

free skin care · Wed Oct 24, 2007 4:12 pm

I had a "soulmate" who betrayed me and returned several times to kick me while I was down. It took well over ten years to get over him. My 30s and half of my 40s crawled by. I don't regret knowing him -- he got me out my husband's clutches -- but I do regret taking so long to get over him. I tried several counselors, a few relationships, and many distractions. It still took that long. It went very deep, and I had to learn to trust ME and my judgement again.

This is excessive and remarkable, however, and I've never heard of anyone else having such a hard trip.

What helped: the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Loved One" -- (whether by death or divorce or distance) and "How to Break Your * spam alert * to a Person" (reread many times). And investing in a new life that held no place for him. A dog helped me, too. Doing things he would never do and loving them. Writing both helped and hindered. It got the feelings out, but I relived them over and over while I wrote.

It does pass. The man and I exchanged e-mails earlier this year and I remembered (again) he was not brave enough for me. He has settled for an ordinary life and not challenged himself at all. I found him, more than anything, boring.

I still wish I had those years back. But I will always be grateful for the great parts of me he brought to light. Try to step back from your feelings and memories and ask yourself "Is this true? Is this REALLY true? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? In the big picture, has it made my life better (despite how I feel about it)?" Logic and reasoning can conquer irrational emotions, if given enough weight.

Good luck to you. You'll get through this. And become a better, wiser, more compassionate person.

free skin care · Sat Oct 27, 2007 7:51 am

Thanks for your replies. I really, really appreciate it. I am feeling better. I'm just hard on myself b/c I don't want to feel this way, so I tell myself I shouldn't - but thanks for reminding me that I'm normal and o.k. Smile

free skin care · Sat Oct 27, 2007 5:18 pm

I have been divorced for almost 10 years now remarried to a 'saint" as mum calls him and really have not contact with the ex (Navy) but when he does call or email sometimes I feel myself falling back into his abusive traps but then I do take a deep breath and remember what i have now and all the pain he caused. He was the love of my life but you are much stronger then you think you are and Iam sure in time you will see a new you. Dale

free skin care · Sat Oct 27, 2007 5:37 pm

Hi, Bunny. I've been divorced for 19 years. I still care about my ex-husband, almost the way you might feel about a long lost brother. He is still a bitter, mean man, though, and we have no contact.
We become addicted to relationships, and when I finally left him, I literally thought I would die, but at that time it would have been better than to stay. I figured I would just go through my life miserable without him.
Six months later, I was thanking God for finally giving me the gumption to get the heck out of Dodge! I was very happy by myself for nearly 5 years, and then God sent me the one he had in mind for me all along, the most loving, gentle man I've ever known, and I am living happily ever after with my Prince Charming. Hang in there, fairy tales do come true.

Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:19 pm

I have been divorced for 18 months and i am still not over it. my ex-husband was very abusive emotionally and we never discussed issues/concerns/problems in a calm constructive manner. I was always given just a few minutes to "hurry up and get to the point," screamed my husband. He would go into these rages, would not hit me, but would shove me and would bang the wall with his fists. once he actually broke his hand.

The point i am trying to make is that i so agree with Dr. Phil,i.e., one has to earn their way out of a relationship. Every effort needs to be made to try and save the marriage and once that has been done, both parties have tried and realized it was not going to work, should be able to part amicably.

That did not happen and i feel like i got really screwed. I gave my husband 20 years. The abuse only started in the last five years. We moved to California close to Hollywood where all the beautiful people live and my husband became very concerned about his appearance etc. Kind of like a mid-life crisis.

I cannot seem to move on. I am depressed and feel old, unattractive and undesirable. But I have always been told i am a very attractive woman who looks 10 to 15 years younger than her actual age. I have a few good days where i actually see what others see and i feel like i may meet another someone some day. Most days though, i just feel i will grow old alone. No children. Three dogs all of which we had for 18 years but they have gone to 'doggie heaven'.

I am tired, just wanted to post something and possibly someone can see why i am having problems moving on.

toodalu Rolling Eyes

free skin care · Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:45 pm

Bunny,
There has been some valuable advice and experience shared here for you. I am so glad you joined our forum. There are so many caring,loving people here.
I have been divorced for over 20 years and have tried to remain a friend to my exhusband.It has been very hard at times.But,I do it for my kids.
You dont mention children,so that is another postive thing.Now,it is YOUR time.Have some fun,and follow your dreams.
Linda

free skin care · Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:55 pm

Toodalu,
I just read your post.He is such a jerk !
I hope you have listened with your heart to the replies. It isnt your fault and now you can find you.
I know I was so wrapped up in my husbands happiness,comfort and all that. I put myself second for 10 years.
Im glad you watch the Dr Phil show. You know what he would tell you. Smile

Take care
Linda

free skin care · Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:12 am

I will second ScotsLass' recommendation of EFT,
The power of that technique to 'break' the emotional connection to an event or events is stunning to say the least. It can be used in any circumstance for any reason and will give your heart and mind the rest it needs to move on and heal!

free skin care · Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:36 am

Another self-help tip, at least for myself, is the schema therapy-based "Reinventing Your Life". I found this book to be very helpful in identifying some of the patterns I had fallen into, and I'm really glad I started therapy young so I could start to eradicate those negative influences early on. I honestly attribute what little therapy I've had as the reason I'm able to have happier friendships and romantic relationships now -- it made a HUGE difference for me, and I hope I can remember some of what I learned so I don't pass on too much baggage to my kids when I have them! Laughing

It basically walks you through how childhood influences affect you WAY more than you realize, from the way you behave at work to how you relate in romantic relationships, and I never would've put my finger on that sort of thing from either parent as I considered myself to have a reasonably sound and comfortable childhood.

But ... how can I say it... it's not like your parents necessarily do you WRONG, but they leave their mark, inevitably, and you inherit some form of emotional response based on those you grew up around. Anyway. Schema therapy was super-helpful for me, as was a good gentle counselor. In fact, I think I'll go back to her soon, just to keep the emotional cobwebs cleared out. Smile

free skin care · Mon Oct 29, 2007 6:10 pm

Hello, we were together 15 years, married for 8. He left me too. My first response was panic as I could not imagine surviving on my own. So I felt very anxious for the first couple of years, particularly without the fat corporate account's salary, and a daughter to raise.
However, the surprise is that i started to feel better about myself almost immediately and didn't miss HIM, as opposed to the money security, familiarity etc.
It is my general experience that almost all men will let you down in the end, it is better never to place full trust in them.
He remarried so quickly that he actually had to list 2 wives on one tax return! He is still a controlling misery, and I am happier and more content than people have ever seen me. Once you get past the anxiety and regain trust and confidence in yourself, it is like a second chance at life!
My only anger toward him is in how he treats my daughter and what that has done to her (counselling is underway).
You will feel better. I strongly advise always having a self-help/spiritual type book on the go. Two that are a must, are Women Who Love Too Much (read first) and Codependent No More.
Also, lean on other women for strength and companionship. Divorce has made my sisters and girlfriends even tighter.
And the biggest surprise is that you don't need lots of money to be happy. And you really learn to support your lifestyle in different ways. We still have our designer stuff, nice furniture etc, but I have learn't there are ways never to pay full price for the same things!
I value each day and every little thing, way more than I once did.
I also swore off men because I realised they take away, rather than add to your life (and freedom). And I am old enough to be a past them too (having kids etc).
The biggest irony!! My divorce lawyer has started pursuing big time over the last year or so! I have kept on the friendship list and am in no hurry to make a decision whether I will ever want to take it further.
Read, revalue and GOOD LUCK.
Smile

free skin care · Mon Oct 29, 2007 7:58 pm

ScotsLass wrote:

...I'm not certain if you've heard of this before but I highly recommend a simple practice that you can do on your own called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

This sounds a lot like the Neuro Emotional Technique (NET). I'll check it out and see. Thanks!

free skin care · Tue Oct 30, 2007 9:26 am

Please do NOT swear off all men. Just because some coffee spills does NOT mean you cannot partake of the rest of the cup. :->

You'll be fine. Keep your eyes forward.

free skin care · Tue Oct 30, 2007 10:55 am

OMG about the divorce lawyer. I can't tell you how many times I've heard of women hooking up with their divorce lawyers, and it never turned out well! What is it with those guys??

Automatic Message

If this is your first visit to the EDS Forums please take the time to register. Registration is required for you to post on the forums. Registration will also give you the ability to track messages of interest, send private messages to other users, participate in Gift Certificates draws and enjoy automatic discounts for shopping at our online store. Registration is free and takes just a few seconds to complete.

Click Here to join our community.

If you are already a registered member on the forums, please login to gain full access to the site.