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Ladies how do you cheer up your man?

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pumpingmummy
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Wed Apr 09, 2008 10:23 pm      Reply with quote
You know when they get the blues for whatever reason (in my case in particular it's his work - he is being cheated by his biz partner and what's upsetting him is not so much losing the money - although that's a big headache, too - but the loss of trust. He had looked up to his partner like a father for years, he'd never imagine that after all this time he would be betrayed like this. He's disappointed and feeling lost).

When I talk to him I know he knows that this, like everything else, will soon pass and before he knows it it will be behind him. But he does get bouts of severe depression because of this, so what now? I want him to know I'm with him through thick and thin, but I don't want to sound patronising in my words or actions, kwim?

I'm a naturally cheerful person, I don't want to seem like I don't care, either. but I can't be moping and looking as depressed as him...

Please share your thoughts and experience in dealing with situations like this. TVMIA!
pumpingmummy
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:00 am      Reply with quote
Or perhaps my question should be: 'what do you do when your man's got the blues?'

Do you leave him alone and give him space til he comes out of it by himself? (I sense that he needs this sometimes, but it's really hard to tell when he wants space and when he wants TLC). Or is there something you do to keep his mind off whatever's bothering him to ease the burden a bit?

Thanks.
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:32 am      Reply with quote
I would only have to talk about Man Utd or football and golf and mine would cheer up in a flash Rolling Eyes But of course, i never would Bad Grin I would personally prefer to be left alone so I use that motto on other people unless I know different.

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Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:03 am      Reply with quote
My guy's not a super-emotional specimen, but for a while he was feeling really discouraged when he was job-hunting and facing lots of rejections, and he also had a rough patch when he flew out to his grandfather's funeral.

For Situation A, I just reminded him very vocally how awesome he was at his job (he's a writer for video games), and how people who didn't see that had their corporate heads up their corporate asses, haha. I got really vocal about how much I loved {specific examples of his great writings and his application of his encyclopedic knowledge of good games} and that always helped to hear it from me.

And during Situation B, when I knew he was at a really depressing funeral/family gathering, I took a funny picture of a cat we always watch (it's our neighbor's cat, but we think of it as sort of ours too since it's always hanging out near our door, and doing funny things). And I PhotoShopped it since it was a tiny cell phone pic, and made a big circle around the cat and wrote in the text to show what he was doing, since you couldn't really tell. And it sounds goofy, but that little humor/inside joke made him call me almost in tears laughing -- I think he just needed SOMETHING happy in that sea of sadness, you know?

So for your man's situation, as horribly tough as that sounds, I'd just remind him how honest and awesome and genuine he is, and how as much as this sucks, his higher-road business ethics will win out in the end and how much you admire him for all those traits. And a little humor or inside joke can go a long way to put a smile on his face and remind him that he can laugh with you even when things suck.

Like you said, though, these things all pass -- my goofy antics might not be the right medicine for your guy, but these are just my ideas. I'm sure he'll manage to cheer up after this blow, and I'm sure it helps to have a supportive gal like you by his side! Good luck to you both, and I hope you can get away from the cheating partner and all his bad business vibes. Sad That really sucks.

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Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:59 am      Reply with quote
Hi Mummy
I know sometimes we hurt worse for our family members than for ourselves. I agree with everybody's advice above, plus my own 2cents:
Being quietly supportive & nonjudgmental. A backrub, a headrub with jojoba oil (guys love this), an offer to take a walk.... just to let him open up if he needs to.
If he is a man of faith, that can pull him through. A time for meditation is not always "ruminating". Sometimes a person just needs to process the pain personally. I know, this is just common sense, but bear with me...!
A physically taxing, busy-work job can burn off stress and anger. Or a good workout.
Be aware, as I'm sure you know already, that you have to get some distance from the problem yourself so that you don't become enmeshed in it and ineffective. Easy to say....
Not always offering to "fix" the problem is sometimes the best route, too.
HTH and I genuinely hope things get better! I've been thru the situation too of a family member's betrayal by partners, and unjustified loss of job. It sucks, but there it is & life's not fair, is it.
Best of luck to you both.
PS - my family member's situation finally became resolved, thru a ton of hard work and dedication to a completely new field of work. The new job is ever so much better than the previous one. A silver lining from a painful cloud!

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Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:59 am      Reply with quote
My impression of men (DH included) is that they don't necessarily talk out their problems/feelings. When my DH is like that, I just try to be there for him in a quiet kind of way. For example, cook his favorite dinner, lighten his load at home, keep the kids a little quieter, give him hugs but also space, encourage him to watch or do something he really likes, talk about the subjects near and dear to his heart.

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Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:12 pm      Reply with quote
Sounds like your man needs a nice relaxing day! Maybe on one of his days off you both can do something he enjoys. Like golfing, going to the movie...something in that nature? And maybe a nice dinner out, or you can cook for him... Then maybe give him a nice full body massage. He needs to do something to get his mind off things. That always cheers my man up..but everyone is different Smile
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:24 pm      Reply with quote
Similar situation happened to my husband last year. Basically I just listened w/o any comments unless he asked me "Will you be mad too?" or "Am I over reacted?" And back off with other disagreement between us. To me, men just need somebody to listen to them especially for something they can not tell everybody.

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pumpingmummy
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Thu Apr 10, 2008 6:33 pm      Reply with quote
Thanks you guys are awesome

He's starting out one his own from scratch I'm sure he'll do fine.

But sometimes I feel like I'm the one who has to be stronger. He doesn't talk much but I don't pester him into talking I think he appreciates it more that way, that I let him talk whenever he feels like it. He says more when I just pretend I'm not interested (I'd say you want to talk? and when he says no I say okay and then he'll start talking. Funny isn't it? When I pester him he just shuts down completely. For days sometimes Rolling Eyes )

Are all men like that? hmm
ginnielizz
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:47 am      Reply with quote
I think men in our society have it rough right now -- all the old rules about chivalry and masculinity are dying, but the new ones are so tricky. Guys are berated for being the old-school non-communicating "rock" types, but then they still get made fun of if they cry or open up emotionally. It's a tough thing to navigate! They're still in a position where they wind up bottling things up except with those reeeeally close to them, and even then, it's hard for them to feel like they have permission to let it out in this society.

I think your guy's lucky to have someone who's as caring and sweet and patient as you are. It sounds like you've found the right way to apply comfort that works for him! I realized I have something of an anomaly of a boyfriend, since he's pretty darn sensitive and open with me -- but still, it's ONLY with me, and it took a good couple years for us to get there! And even then, these bouts of openness have come maybe three or four times ever in the course of our relationship. I think even the softies are "hard" MOST of the time! Well done finding ways to let him express it without him feeling pestered... it's hard to do!

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Sidda
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Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:41 am      Reply with quote
The best case, with men -- and everyone, as I know many women who are not "talkers," too -- is to say "If you want to talk about it or sound it out, I'm here all the time. Know this." Or "If there is anything at all I can do to make you feel better, you'll let me do that, won't you? Okay?"

Let him know it's important to you to be able to help him. The "help me help you" kind of thing. Sometimes others think they are burdens, and don't realize that being a good friend and partner makes US feel good.

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Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:38 pm      Reply with quote
ginnielizz wrote:
My guy's not a super-emotional specimen, but for a while he was feeling really discouraged when he was job-hunting and facing lots of rejections, and he also had a rough patch when he flew out to his grandfather's funeral.

For Situation A, I just reminded him very vocally how awesome he was at his job (he's a writer for video games), and how people who didn't see that had their corporate heads up their corporate asses, haha. I got really vocal about how much I loved {specific examples of his great writings and his application of his encyclopedic knowledge of good games} and that always helped to hear it from me.

And during Situation B, when I knew he was at a really depressing funeral/family gathering, I took a funny picture of a cat we always watch (it's our neighbor's cat, but we think of it as sort of ours too since it's always hanging out near our door, and doing funny things). And I PhotoShopped it since it was a tiny cell phone pic, and made a big circle around the cat and wrote in the text to show what he was doing, since you couldn't really tell. And it sounds goofy, but that little humor/inside joke made him call me almost in tears laughing -- I think he just needed SOMETHING happy in that sea of sadness, you know?

So for your man's situation, as horribly tough as that sounds, I'd just remind him how honest and awesome and genuine he is, and how as much as this sucks, his higher-road business ethics will win out in the end and how much you admire him for all those traits. And a little humor or inside joke can go a long way to put a smile on his face and remind him that he can laugh with you even when things suck.

Like you said, though, these things all pass -- my goofy antics might not be the right medicine for your guy, but these are just my ideas. I'm sure he'll manage to cheer up after this blow, and I'm sure it helps to have a supportive gal like you by his side! Good luck to you both, and I hope you can get away from the cheating partner and all his bad business vibes. Sad That really sucks.


I really like your method and I should remember that. I think I already tell him how great he is and stuff like that, but sometimes I worry if I am not doing enough.

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ginnielizz
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Mon Apr 21, 2008 5:07 pm      Reply with quote
Skincare wrote:
I really like your method and I should remember that. I think I already tell him how great he is and stuff like that, but sometimes I worry if I am not doing enough.


Well, if you actually do, he'll probably be all pseudo-macho and shrug it off and pretend to be annoyed by it. Laughing But really, I think we ALL need to hear that kind of praise, and who better from than our significant others?

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Mon Apr 21, 2008 6:21 pm      Reply with quote
ginnielizz wrote:
Skincare wrote:
I really like your method and I should remember that. I think I already tell him how great he is and stuff like that, but sometimes I worry if I am not doing enough.


Well, if you actually do, he'll probably be all pseudo-macho and shrug it off and pretend to be annoyed by it. Laughing But really, I think we ALL need to hear that kind of praise, and who better from than our significant others?

Smile Yes, you are right. We all need to hear good things about ourselves.

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Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:22 pm      Reply with quote
pumpingmummy wrote:
Or perhaps my question should be: 'what do you do when your man's got the blues?


Take out the reds! His favorite red silk teddy that is....It always brings a smile, and makes him forget the drama, for a while at least... Very Happy

It always makes the talking that comes later, so much more mellow... Wink Very Happy

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