Daughters
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free skin care · Tue Apr 22, 2008 5:01 am

Ok guys I need you to be really honest with me.
Here's the situation.
I have 3 kids...a boy, 17, a girl, 13, and a boy, 10. The kids spend one week with me, one week with their dad.
Lately my daughter is distant from me, and wants more to do with her dad and friends than me. She 'hangs' with her friends. She goes to yoga and other various things with her dad, even on 'my' week. She and her dad are close. The boys on the other hand are scared of their dad and have as little as possilbe to do with him.
So my questions are: is her pulling away from me normal? Should I just ride that out? Does it have anything to do with her being so close to her dad? Any words of wisdom??

free skin care · Tue Apr 22, 2008 8:52 am

I'm not really sure what the problem could be. Is it that she and her dad just have more common interests that you and her? Is yoga something you like to do also, but she is choosing to do it with her dad instead? When I was a teenager I did a lot of activities with my dad that I didn't do with my mom, but there were also things that I didn't do with my dad that I would do with my mom. You could also look on the ParentsConnect website to see if they have any advice. You can search by age group, so you could look-up teenagers for your situation. Good luck!

free skin care · Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:51 am

Have you asked her if there's anything wrong? It might be good to have a chat with her - but try to make it as relaxed and pressure-free as possible and don't push her or it may make things worse.

Otherwise, I've noticed (and this isn't necessarily always the case) that fathers and daughters often seem to be close, whilst the same can be said for mothers and sons. Maybe because it's less competition with the mixed sexes? I'm certainly much closer to my dad than to my mum. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, though.

Good luck with trying to find out what's happening. Hope it works out well.

free skin care · Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:50 am

i guess it also depends on personalities.. are u stricter to her than her dad?

there may be things that u don't allow her to do but her dad does.. which leads to some sort of rebellious..

HTH

free skin care · Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:23 am

I think it might be the age - I know my daughter is hideous sometimes, not to mention hurtful. And I think that is what you are feeling - hurt.
I also find her friends have become all consuming in her life. I am single too, and when I talk honestly to other mothers, I realise it is not so uncommon.
I think, try not to show you are hurt and be ready for those rare moments when she is ready to open up to you. I am PROMISED that they grow out of it eventually ! Brick wall

free skin care · Sat Apr 26, 2008 12:41 pm

I have two children a son and daughter. Growing up (teens) I got along better with my son. My daughter could be tempermental to say the least. Once DD got out of her teen she was a whole different person. My daughter now has two children. At least twice a week we do something together. She is my daughter and friend.

Your daughter knows you are really bothered by the current situation. Children know how to push those buttons. Rolling Eyes

If you know in your heart you are a loving, caring Mom try to relax. Most likely your daughter is going though a stage that will pass.

In my teens I was much closer to my Dad. Being the youngest of four he thought I could do no wrong Shock

. As I got older I appreciated how much my mother did and sacrificed for her family.

free skin care · Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:11 am

From age 12 to 13 - those were a tough couple of years for my daughter as well. Suddenly, my sweetheart, little pal, darling child turned into a smart-mouthed, moody little thing. Sad

We considered calling a priest to exorcise the demons that had invaded our once "normal" daughter. Laughing

Then, magically, she returned at 14 and has been a doll ever since. Hormones and peers may play a part in their sudden distancing and moods - but indeed it did pass and we are as close as ever and I enjoy every minute with her. She's funny, bright, and sigh....a good 4 inches taller than me!!!! Laughing

Maybe just have a good heart to heart with her and perhaps she'll open up and let you know what's going on? I seem to recall my own first teenage years being tough as well...

Maria Laughing

free skin care · Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:36 pm

Hi there,
My DD is 12 years old and she much rather spends time with her dad than with me (although they fight all the time Shock

).

I remember, when I was 13-15 years old I adored my dad and despised my mom. Don't ask me why, because the poor women was an angel - I just didn't realize it then. When I turned 18 we became really close and from that point on I did many things with both my mom and my dad.

I think you just need to let your girl spend time with her dad, because she needs him now. Just be happy he is doing stuff with her and is being supportive of her. Right now that's the most important thing.

Good luck!
R.

free skin care · Fri May 02, 2008 3:20 am

I remember hearing something on Oprah I think that said girls adore and want to be like their mothers when they are young and as they hit puberty they push their mothers away and are little snots (I know I didn't want to be anything like my mother for a spell. Everyone said I was 'just like her' that I was 'her clone' and it started to really bother me. Now I take it as a compliment, but there was a time.....)

I believe the show said it had to do with girls trying to find their own identity and it being a normal thing for this to occur...hurtful, but normal. I believe it also mentioned that girls are more likely to be closer to their fathers. Girls (like boys) learn how to relate to the opposite sex by watching their parents interact. Even though little girls don't look on Daddy as a sex object (and vise versa) Daddy is a little girls first 'boyfriend'. She learns to flirt, manipulate, relate, to a male in a safe and secure relationship. She also learns how to do this by watching Mom. I don't know what shrink or author was talking but this does bring Mom and Daughter into a conflict. She may feel you favor the boys and you aren't even aware of those feelings.

It was a long time ago and I don't necessarily agree on all points, but I do know that I was closer to my Dad esp when my folks would fight. Kinda of like 'Good Cop, Bad Cop'. When things got bad we had each other. We'd go to the nearby school to play catch or ride bikes..anything to get away from the house for awhile. It was our time and something Mom wasn't apart of. It really got her mad then, but now I'm closer to my Mom. Esp now that I've had a daughter too.

Don't get me wrong. I loved being Daddys little girl because I really felt loved and special... plus I got away with murder. Bad Grin

I really remember this show(at least the content) because my Mom and I really had a falling out when I was a teenager. I hated her at times, but the show made me feel that there was hope. That even though we didn't get along well ...that it was a normal pulling away thing that girls do to figure out who they really are. Also, friends become a huge role for kids esp girls. Looking back I defined myself based on those friendships. To this day I still have the same best friend and I am still mystified that we would talk on the phone for 3 hours at night after, yes, AFTER we JUST left SCHOOL a few hours before!!! Only teen girls can do this and understand why their friends are so important. I am no longer a teen and I have lost the ability to understand them....just ask my 17 year old sister. I am apparently...old. <sigh>

I don't know it this helps. Your post struck a cord as my folks didn't get divorced...but came close many times. It is hard on kids and sometimes you pick sides without meaning to. It doesn't mean I don't love my Mom and I bet your daughter loves you just as much. She needs you in ways she still doesn't know yet and she may also be trying to readjust her life and sense of self after the divorce. She may even blame you for it. I don't know and I don't know how long ago you both got divorced.

Bottom line: She may be a pain in the ass now, but in the end she will come back to you. Just don't shut the door and always let her know you love her....even if you need to put her in a headlock. My Mom annoyed the crap out of me, but I still remember her taking me to Girl Scouts and helping me pick out a 9th grade Prom dress (Jr High back then. 7-9th grade). She was always there for me in the best way she could and I just expected she always would be. Keep the faith.

free skin care · Fri May 02, 2008 9:27 am

TOTALLY NORMAL!!! Isn't amazing how we can go from being wonderful and all-knowing to not-cool-haven't-a-clue-about-anything so quickly? I read a wonderful article once about how we, as parents, have 12 years to teach and help our kids develop good values, etc. Then around 13, they can become someone hardly recognizable which can last a fair amount of time but they do emerge from this behavioral tunnel as the person you once knew, only older and a lot more mature. Then you can see that all of your "input" really did stick. So keep the faith, remind her from time to time that you're still there and try not to get manipulated into any battles over nothing. Brick wall

Rest assured, she'll come back.

free skin care · Fri May 02, 2008 11:11 pm

Gee I enjoyed reading through this again - very reassuring Wink

free skin care · Sat May 03, 2008 7:02 am

I really wanted to thank all of you for your replies. It is very comforting for me. I will be sure to re-read this many times over the next while.
My daughter is healthy and normal. Thank god!!
I have taken your advice and just let it go, and treat her with the same love as always, letting her know by actions and gestures that I am here for her. I know there is nothing wrong, I have no doubt about that. She is just growing up and I have to let her do that.
Thank you, all of you, again. Much appreciated.
Edited to add: I just wanted you to also know that she is a terrific kid, and compared to some other horror stories I've heard she really hasn't given me any real trouble. All three of my kids are terrific. I am blessed.

free skin care · Mon May 05, 2008 6:22 am

Could it be that she is "embarrassed" of you? I have two daughters and remember when they hit puberty I suddenly became a total embarrassment to them! I became "cringe" material in front of their friends. I also remember that, at the same age, I would walk 10ft behind my parents in public and pretend that I didn't know them!

13 is a difficult age, divorce is also dreadful when you have kids (been through it). Try not to get jealous of the father/daughter thing - have "girly" chats and give her lots of support. My girls are now 32 and 34 and are my best friends in the world. Hang in there! Very Happy

free skin care · Mon May 05, 2008 6:31 am

Thank you, yes that might be.

Yesterday I was also thinking that I will never be "cool" in her eyes right now. So don't bother trying. Just be myself, love her, and get through this. And yes, I have to stop being jealous and just realise that some people are close and some are not. And that isn't written in stone, it varies and cycles.

free skin care · Tue May 06, 2008 10:34 am

When our daughter was around 13, she couldn't even stand it if I hummed in public...seriously. You know, at that time in their lives, they're so critical of themselves that I think they may feel that their mom is like another appendage.......and something that reflects poorly on them........whether its reasonable or not. They look at their hair, their bodies, etc. with such a critical eye and you're just part of their overall self-image. So, when you think about it, that's actually a closeness of sorts, and a good thing even though it feels awful at times. Be patient. Rolling Eyes

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