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Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:29 pm |
I hate to throw my own pity party, but what the heck...
I am so lonely. I've always been a loner and it's never really bothered me until recently. I am 35 years old. I had a best friend in high school but she moved away before we graduated. I have not had a best friend since. I've had a few close friends but they have either moved away or left in some form. Women need best friends, husbands do not count. They don't always want to listen, or they feel they have to solve all your problems. I just want to be heard. I do not have a normal family, so mom and sisters are out of the question.
I feel so pathetic and so desperate that maybe I should post an add on ebay for a best friend. |
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Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:21 pm |
Buck up little buckaroo! Most of my best friends are from work. In fact I even met my husband at work!
If you don't work, volunteer. I think friendships are forged "in the trenches".
Or, get a dog or cat. Walking the dog leads to shared time with humans too.
Or, share your feelings here! We're friendly people and you don't even have to dress up!
HTH |
_________________ ✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:20 pm |
Kittylove, I hear you loud and clear! I'm a total loner, and I work from home which makes things even more difficult. I've been VERY lucky these past couple of years in Cleveland and I managed to make a small group of very good friends--- and now I have to move to Boston (!!) and start from scratch! I kinda feel like I'll never have any friends again and the thought is so depressing... The good news is, like fawnie said, this forum is literally bursting at the seams with good listeners. Personally, I'm up for b*tching and venting 24/7, so feel free to PM me any time, OK?^-^ |
_________________ 27, sensitive/reactive/acne prone skin, dark brown hair, blue eyes, possibly the palest woman alive... |
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Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:29 pm |
Hey, kitty, I understand just what you're saying and how you're feeling.
I'm 56 and don't have a close friend. I commute three hours a day and my weekday evenings are spent making dinner, fighting a losing battle against a clutter-filled house and maybe getting to the gym for some "me" time before falling into bed. Weekends are spent doing laundry, cooking and shopping for groceries, with maybe a trip to the library for "fun".
There doesn't seem to be time to make any new friends, let alone keep any that I may be lucky enough to actually make. My husband is wonderful but I don't think it's healthy to depend on just one person for conversation, fun and different viewpoints. Sure, I enjoy talking to people I commute with and others at work, but there's nobody I would feel comfortable calling up at home and just talking, or asking them to meet me for coffee or a walk. I'd guess my best friend is my older sister, who lives a province away; I see her, face to face, maybe once a year.
By this time, I'm comfortable doing a lot of things by myself and most of the time it's okay, but there are times when loneliness makes me feel really hollow inside.
I'm sure you and I are not the only ones feeling like this, but it's not something often talked about. Most people would rather have you think they are outgoing, living life to the fullest and have more invitations, friends and incoming cell phone calls than there are minutes in the day. I wonder what the truth really is.
Anybody else have input? |
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Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:41 pm |
Kittylove,
I can identify with your situation. I made a job change eight years ago that literally separated me from what I thought were the greatest friends I have ever had. At the same time both of my sons left home to marry and I was so alone I pleaded with my husband for a dog and he wouldn't consider it, well I didn't give up. Now five years later I have three of the most endearing dogs you have ever seen. Right now they are all cuddled up around me. I learned to laugh and play with them and enjoy life in a fun way as I did as a child. My husband has experienced the same thing. All of my life I have been lonely, I am an only child, but since the furbabies have come into my life I haven't had a lonely moment. I now have many friends at work but there isn't anything that compares to my furbabies. Now maybe a pet isn't an answer for you, but search and seek because there are many heathly ways to fill that lonely need. By admitting it through this post is a great start.
Toby |
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Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:33 pm |
Kittylove & the rest of us who share similar feelings - Hi, I feel like I belong here too.
We moved to another state two years ago and connecting with someone is still difficult. At the same time I left a long career to stay-at-home with a 5 year old. While I enjoy my daughter, there's no denying it's isolating too. I know I'm supposed to get out and meet folks, and I do try, but it's easier said than done. Most folks have histories together and I usually feel out of place. But anyway, enough about me! I'm glad to "meet" all of you and hope this thread continues and grows into a new friendship. |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 12:45 am |
Another shoutout to you! I feel the same way. I just moved back to Hong Kong 10 months ago and I have never even lived here. Yeah I have relatives, close ones but you can't always bother others right? I work in a small company so it's nearly impossible to meet friends near my age group since they all have their own families to deal with. I have met people, people who I would like to be able to call my "friends" but I find as you get older the harder it is to become close with someone, especially when everyone you meet already has their own peer group so you either join that whole group or be alone.
But I guess it's not that great back in Vancouver where I'm from since I always only had a few close friends that I can count the number of with only one hand.
It's ok though, I think there are many nice people out there waiting to meet you and reach out their hand. I don't even have a bf let alone a husband some of you have and I have no idea where I'm going to find someone I'll click with. I also must admit that I really hate sites nowadays like facebook that completely depersonalizes interpersonal relationships. I don't have phone conversations anymore, people don't need to call me to ask me out because they posted an "event" on fb, etc. I really miss the old days where friendships were developed through social contact instead of a social network illusioned through the internet.
Whoops, went off-topic now, anyways, we're here for you and we're all on the same boat. So why don't we just get to know each other and be each other's friends! |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:04 am |
You can see from the forum that you're not alone. More and more people these days suffer from loneliness. Society has changed, many of us are commuting long distances from work, living alone, moving away from family for various reasons, and families themselves are getting smaller. I moved from everyone I knew about 8 years ago, plus I work from home, and it took me about 2 years to really make a group of friends where I live now. If you have the time and inclination, I second the suggestion about getting a dog. Every time I've minded a friends dog and taken him for a walk, every stranger stops to say hi. They really do break the ice. Another suggestion is find an evening study class or exercise class in order to meet like minded people who live nearby. Start your own if you have a particular interest that is not catered to. Most local newspapers and bulletins have space for free ads. My next door neighbour advertised that she was interested in an early morning walking partner. Now she goes for walks most weekday mornings with a group of three other ladies she's made friends with. Also check out your suburb's neighbourhood centre. They often have group activities, or just a group morning tea so that locals can get to know each other. The local library often has free activities where you can meet other people living in your area. My town has a film society that meets monthly and that's where I met several people I've become friends with.
I'm a loner and absolutely HATE having to be the first to make a move with someone I don't know, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Also lots of people are delighted when you do make the first move because they don't feel comfortable doing it themselves.
Make friends with your neighbours if you can. I have been awfully lucky with my neighbours and the ones I have right now are real sweeties. I'm not massively close to them because there is about a 30 year age difference (all my neighbours are in their 70's or 80's) but I know I can pop in for a tea or coffee occasionally to say hi, or bitch about something that's annoyed me, or just to swap books. Knowing there's someone who lives close by that you can spend just half an hour with occasionally can make a huge difference.
You're definitely not pathetic or the only one who feels this way. Heaps of people don't want to admit to feeling lonely or having difficulty making friends. Invite a few people you barely know over for coffee and you'll be suprised at how many will accept. |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:16 pm |
Ladies, thank you all so much for your replies and kind words and suggestions. I will take them to heart!
I had no idea there were so many of us. It's sad. And I don't mean for this to sound cruel, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. But it's so sad!!
I do have a cat. I know a dog would be more company for me. They are friendlier and more active. Right now all my cat does is sleep. Well, when he does move he makes sure he is under my feet with each step!!
Thank you, again! |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:26 pm |
luckylouie, these are very good suggestions. Think I'll keep them in my back pocket! I am a loner too. When I worked, interacting in that environment was more than enough for me. With commuting and family demands, life was overwhelming. Now that I'm not working and living in a new community - heck, new state! - being the same way does not serve me well. I'm learning (not always comfortable, though) to volunteer for things and reach out more to others, as well as adjusting to a very different environment. It's comforting to hear from others who've traveled a similar road! |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:35 pm |
kittylove wrote: |
Ladies, thank you all so much for your replies and kind words and suggestions. I will take them to heart!
I had no idea there were so many of us. It's sad. And I don't mean for this to sound cruel, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. But it's so sad!!
I do have a cat. I know a dog would be more company for me. They are friendlier and more active. Right now all my cat does is sleep. Well, when he does move he makes sure he is under my feet with each step!!
Thank you, again! |
I think there are more of us than we realize. It's easy to be among people yet not connect with anyone. Or try to connect with someone but it just doesn't click sometimes. I think you spoke of something many of us may feel but not share with anyone. |
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:53 pm |
Another one here though made a couple of friends at my gym and also my former colleague. Whenever I like a co-worker he/she promptly leaves... I don't think it's me but rather the job and our compatiilities...at least, I hope |
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Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:14 pm |
I will echo the thoughts here. I am a lifetime loner -- and a professional writer, as well. Solitude is my default mode. Always has been.
Volunteering is a great way to make friends. My dog expanded my world exponentially (much like kids do for parents). And a fun part-time job, with no pressure to climb a ladder or impress anyone, has added a great many people to the pot.
Many people's friends come only from work. This was the whole premise of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." LOL. Friends at work and a couple of neighbors -- Rhoda and Phyllis. No one ever watched that show and thought "Wow. What a boring, lonely life." I don't remember her family -- or any husband -- being in the mix.
It's always a balance -- me-time with others-time. Friends with family. Self with the world. And it's different for everyone. Find what works for you. And remember, "To have a friend, be a friend." |
_________________ tenderlovingwork.com, astonishing handmade gifts |
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cindybells
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
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Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:54 pm |
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Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:58 pm |
I just found this thread and it's totally comforting to know that life isn't like an episode of "Friends" for everyone. I was addicted to SATC but honestly, I always felt like all women had their support groups like on the show and I was missing out on something. I moved and grew apart from friends I had in high school and I've never had a job long enough to create real bonds with anyone. Now I work from home and I feel awkward in social situations since I don't really interact with people anymore. My last job was very social (catering sales manager) but all the interactions were superficial and felt forced. I spend all day with my fiance (we run our business together) and he doesn't understand my need for girlfriends. He gets hurt if he feels like he's not being supportive enough for me to share everything with him; which in turn makes me feel bad but it's never intentional.
Maybe those picture perfect relationships we think we're supposed to have isn't the norm. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. We're all individuals and we're constantly changing. I feel people come and go in our lives and they always serve a purpose while they're there. I am grateful for the internet because even though it's less social on many levels, we are more free to find those with common interests and we're not limited to being friends with those we physically see in our everyday lives. I'd be happy to chat with you and be friends. I'm sure you'll find many friendships on here that were just waiting for the right time to blossom! |
_________________ 27 ~ fair skin, very rosy cheeks, dark hair, hazel eyes, mild Rosacea and Eczema, broken caps, hormonal cystic acne ~ Can't seem to keep a normal routine because I'm constantly trying new stuff =0) |
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Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:12 pm |
You know what's a great activity to do when you're lonely? Visit the aquarium. You can stroll around there for hours and totally get absorbed in the exhibits. Then have a nice lunch there with a book. It can be very enjoyable =) And you end up forgetting that you're lonely for a while at least. I find animals always cheer me up. The zoo would also be an option. |
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Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:41 pm |
Hi Kittylove~
I hope you are feeling better...But please remember that everyone here in this EDS family is here for you, to listen to you rant/rave, etc...We are here to listen to you and offer advice and vice versa about anything...So please try not to feel lonely...
I think everybody goes through a phase of loneliness, but don't feel like you have no 'friends.' I believe EDS forumers will vouch that we are all a tight knit 'family.' I find that people on here are very comforting and try to help you along the way with whatever.
Take care of yourself and please know that we are here!!! |
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:47 am |
I also work from home for the last 8 years and find that to be obviously isolating... my best friend that I met in 93 and I have drifted apart, which started when both of our husbands were diagnosed with terminal cancers in 05. It was as though we couldn't bear any more stress and so couldn't be there for each other. Now when we try to connect it feels forced
I have two dogs but going to the movies or out for lunch with them doesn't work out too well - LOL!
Lately I have decided to volunteer with the seniors citizens centre and also a garden project with inner city kids, so we'll see how that goes.
It's definitely a problem more common than we'd think. |
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:11 pm |
Dahli, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and subsequent disconnect with your best friend. I hope in time that friendship heals and both of you can once again enjoy one another.
Given the suggestions offered by others, I'd say you're on the right track by volunteering.
I volunteered at my daughter's school and enjoyed it more than I thought I would. (I stay at home & live in a new state so it's quite isolating most of the time.) Just when a few of us moms started knowing one another, the school year ended. It's summer and everyone is doing their own thing; next year we're all at different schools. So I'll start volunteering again when school starts and I also hope to connect with a non-profit org as well so it's not just kids!!
Take care, we're not alone and we are on the right track! |
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:01 pm |
I hard a terrible time finding friends for years! I work at home so it's hard to meet new people. So i started doing "Extra" work for movies and tv shows. It's super easy to get into, and you get paid to pretty much eat and meet people! I've met so many new great friends now! You should check it out if you have time |
_________________ Vancouver, BC Canada. Oil cleansing method all the way! |
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:02 pm |
I hard a terrible time finding friends for years! I work at home so it's hard to meet new people. So i started doing "Extra" work for movies and tv shows. It's super easy to get into, and you get paid to pretty much eat and meet people! I've met so many new great friends now! You should check it out if you have time |
_________________ Vancouver, BC Canada. Oil cleansing method all the way! |
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Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:37 pm |
cortigirl wrote: |
I hard a terrible time finding friends for years! I work at home so it's hard to meet new people. So i started doing "Extra" work for movies and tv shows. It's super easy to get into, and you get paid to pretty much eat and meet people! I've met so many new great friends now! You should check it out if you have time |
I would love to know more about working from home! Can you share any info? Please PM me if that's better. Thanks! |
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Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:07 pm |
I feel every one's pain, but a little bit different for me. I have tons of friends, but they never fill the void for me of my BF. He goes out of town about four times a year. His family lives in VT and we are in CA. When he leaves town, he is gone for about 15-20 days. It is just not the same when he is not around. I count the days, minutes until I can pick him up from the airport. I carry my phone with me everywhere, in fear of him calling and me missing the call. Since is he 3 hours ahead of my time, I don't want to miss the call because he will be off doing something and I will not get to talk to him. We have been seeing each other for three years and it NEVER gets easier for me. He does not like going away because he said he feels guilty and he knows that I am in pain....but I don't want him not to see his family and friends back home. I always vow to be happy and tell him that I will be busy, don't worry about me. I always plan tons of stuff to do with friends, family or around the house...but it is short lived. I lose my energy and drive and want to stay in bed. I am very depressed when he goes away. Help me get through this. He is gone right now (has been for a week and a half now) and comes home on the 12th. It seems like it has been for forever, and I feel achy all over already! What should I do? |
_________________ 39 Year "young" female, Using PTR glycolic cleanser and Finacea with success! Passion for living and love Sunny Days/Beaches and The Ocean |
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Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:03 pm |
Hi bergquis, I can relate to how you're feeling. The few times my husband has traveled without me were so miserable. I'm like you - I wait. I know we're supposed to enjoy our independence, hang out with friends and do all those things you don't have the chance to do. Makes sense except that when the moment actually comes, I don't feel like doing any of those things. I didn't want to socialize or make conversation; I would rather be by myself. But that's just me.
I know you don't feel like doing much but it helps to pass the time until your boyfriend returns or at least between his phone calls. I'm guessing from your comment that you want to be alone, perhaps doing something without having to engage in conversation might be okay. Do you enjoy reading books? Or maybe magazines? I loved spending time at the bookstore just browsing. Shopping is always fun, well, when you can afford it. Do you like pets? I always found such comfort visiting a pet store or animal shelter. Exercising helps too, it'll tire you out.
Part of it too may be trying to keep connected to him while he's away and in between his phone calls. How's about dreaming/planning something special to do for when he returns? Or doing silly things like making him cards, writing him a letter, shopping for little nonsense gifts? Anything to make you feel connected to him.
These are just a few ideas. More importantly, know that the time will pass and he will be with you soon. Someday, maybe you should accompany him on one of these visits too! |
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Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:35 am |
Thank you blesstd, I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. When I talk to my girlfriends that are married, they always say. "man I wish my man would leave town". When I was married (14 years), my husband did not leave town very much w/o me, but if he did, I hated it too. Thank you for the wonderful ideas, I do try to do many of them that you mentioned, and it does help. I made a large list of items that I have been wanting to get done, but never find the time when he is in town because I would rather spend the time with him. So I have been tackling that list and it does pass the time and it does feel good!
I do love book reading, but my mind wonders onto him while I am reading.....Even know I am lonely, when he calls I tell him I have been busy getting so many things done. In the past when he has been away I tell him how much I miss him that I want him to come home and then he feels guilty and tells me that he ends up wishing the time to pass because he knows I am miserable. I don't want him to do that. I want him to enjoy my time, and I knew when I started dating him that he travels a lot....I signed up for that, so I need to find ways to deal with it. thanks for the suggestions and words of wisdom. I very much appreciate it. |
_________________ 39 Year "young" female, Using PTR glycolic cleanser and Finacea with success! Passion for living and love Sunny Days/Beaches and The Ocean |
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