first fight
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free skin care · Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:14 pm

I have been dating this guy for a year now and we've moved in together. We've been living together for about 6 months now and haven't gotten into a fight. He's concern is that we never fought and thinks this is abnormal. He went to the doctor the other day and the doctor told him it's okay not to fight. Well the other day he went fishing with a buddy and the topic of "how's the relationship" came up. He told his friend that we haven't fought so his friend advised him to pick a fight with me to the extreme. So my bf said I'll start a fight tonight when we go out. Well, guess what, he did. In front of all his friends to see what my reaction would be. I don't like confrontation so I didn't say anything. Last thing I want to do is yell at him in front of his friends. So we got into an argument on our way home because of his little "test".

Am I thinking too much into this? Was his fight justified and I should just let it go? Is this something forgivable? He just brushed it off the next day like nothing happened. Was this another test? I'm confused and upset.

free skin care · Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:14 pm

As you know couples don't need to fight to have a good relationship. If you don't have many fights it just means that both agree about what is going on and whats better then that! Now thats assuming neither of you are holding back on your feeling or trying to be on your best behavior.
DH & I have been married for 14 ys and I can count on 1 hand how many fights we have had.

When you are in a relationship neither should be playing games like little "tests". These types of things usually come from insecurities.

I would discuss with your BF exactly how it made you feel and why does he feel you need to fight. IMO you need to get this out so you can feel better about it and both move forward. Start you sentences off with "I feel" not "you did" so you don't appear that you are accusing him but just letting him know how you feel.

free skin care · Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:11 pm

That is so ridiculous! It is unacceptable for him to pick a fight to "test" you. Your feelings are real. That's just awful. Does this person always do what his friend tells him?

free skin care · Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:30 pm

I'm here to repeat and refirm what GirlieGirl said. Your language is very important here.

"It made me feel like" is acceptable. "You did this to me" is not. And certainly not "You are a terrible person." Ad hominen arguements. "At the Man." -- that is Do Not attack the man. (I was taught this in my family and it's taken years to reprogram that instinct. I still get it in any family disagreement. Suddenly, I am a terrible, awful person who is selfish and utterly hateful because I forgot to send a Father's Day card. Rolling Eyes

) Ask questions about the event. Ask if he would like to know how it made you feel. (Do not say it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of. Just in case you were considering that. LOL)

Fights are fine. No fights are fine. In my experience, fights have to do with strong personalities -- just wanting what they want. Some people are just more opinionated and determined. I am. I'm a Leo, with lots of Aries and fire and no water. I've learned to soft-pedal, but my natural state is to think all in CAPS and talk in italics. I've had relationships with lots of fights, and some with none. The ones with none were easier day to day, but were also more superficial, frankly. One fellow would just sulk (that one didn't last). Another felt nothing was worth fighting about (we had no great sex or fireworks, either. nice guy but.... boooorrrring. sigh).

The best predictor of future success in a relationship is HOW you fight. This is a great opportunity to learn more about your BF. Why does he feel it's important to fight? Did he grow up with bickering parents? Have his former relationships involved fighting? Does he feel he must fight with his friends regularly, too? Or just you?

You can get to a whole new level of familiarity and intimacy and there might be some self-discovery, too. Do not play the blame game. Be curious and generous. And assume all is well. Always assume innocence with someone you love. Let him know you're not going anywhere, you just want to understand him a bit better.

free skin care · Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:13 pm

Yep, I agree with what everyone is saying here. And just because you have not fought, does not make it a bad situation, or just because you have a fight...it is not the end of the world. Communication is the key. I believe even if you have a disagreement that can end in a fight, it doesn't have too. When I was married (for 14 years) I always bragged about the fact that my husband and I never fought, I was so proud of it. What didn't dawn on me, was we never talked about anything either. Maybe we should have fought, at least we would have been communicating. Remember that arguments happen, if they do try to remain calm and NEVER ever EVER, say anything that you will regret later. Don't call each other names (not necessary) and communicate how "you" feel, not what he/she does wrong.

My current BF of 3 years and I have a great relationship, we have really only got in one disagreement in the 3 years, but we talk everyday about "us" and how we feel.

free skin care · Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:56 pm

A lot of good responses here! I'll just throw in (or reiterate) a few points:
1) Fighting or not fighting--- either one is OK. The key to everything is how you do it. If you are not fighting because you are just holding everything in and saving it for a vesuvius-style blow up at your partner, that's no good, but otherwise, there's no relationship rule that says you HAVE to fight.
2) What your bf did was wrong on SO MANY levels and it needs to be addressed lest he think it's OK to pull similar stunts in the future. My advice would be to tell him directly and without equivocation: There was absolutely no excuse for what you did, and I'm not OK with it. It's not OK that swallowed his friend's lousy advice without thinking for himself, it's not OK that he manipulated you into a fight to "test" you, it's not OK that he put you into such a vulnerable position in public, and it's certainly not OK that he did not apologize profusely the next day. To be perfectly honest, if it were me I would not want to continue the relationship unless I had the guy's solemn oath that he understood what he did wrong and he will not let it happen again. (What can I say, I have high standards....)

As a side note, I understand how you are feeling because I would be totally devastated if this happened to me too. Hang in there and keep us updated!

free skin care · Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:38 pm

luckylady wrote:

I have been dating this guy for a year now and we've moved in together. We've been living together for about 6 months now and haven't gotten into a fight. He's concern is that we never fought and thinks this is abnormal. He went to the doctor the other day and the doctor told him it's okay not to fight. Well the other day he went fishing with a buddy and the topic of "how's the relationship" came up. He told his friend that we haven't fought so his friend advised him to pick a fight with me to the extreme. So my bf said I'll start a fight tonight when we go out. Well, guess what, he did. In front of all his friends to see what my reaction would be. I don't like confrontation so I didn't say anything. Last thing I want to do is yell at him in front of his friends. So we got into an argument on our way home because of his little "test".

Am I thinking too much into this? Was his fight justified and I should just let it go? Is this something forgivable? He just brushed it off the next day like nothing happened. Was this another test? I'm confused and upset.

Honestly, that is the dumbnest "fight" I have ever heard. If he really wanted to test how you react to a fight, why would he tell you he is going to pick a fight to 'test' you. I think you should give him a real fight on "why he would listen to his buddies and not to the doctor and try to pick a fight". And why would he want to 'test' you to see how you react. Honestly, if a guy does this to me, I would dump him because he is immature and stupid and probably not worth my time. I would move on.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I am just giving my 2 cents. This guy is not worth keeping. Too dumb.

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