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Thu Aug 28, 2008 11:41 am  |
I wonder how many of u married ladies here that don't have kids or not planning to? I personally don't really want any children if I'm to be married. 1st, I don't have the time for them. 2nd, the financial situation. 3rd, I'm not exactly thrilled of kids.
But my parents always say that I'll be lonely if I don't have any children once married. My mom said who's gonna take care of u or visit u when I get old if my SO passed away. She said it'll be sad to be an old lonely woman with no children or grandchildren to spend the time with. hhm... what do u all ladies think? |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 11:59 am |
| Stardustdy wrote: |
I personally don't really want any children if I'm to be married. 1st, I don't have the time for them. 2nd, the financial situation. 3rd, I'm not exactly thrilled of kids.
But my parents always say that I'll be lonely if I don't have any children once married. My mom said who's gonna take care of u or visit u when I get old if my SO passed away. She said it'll be sad to be an old lonely woman with no children or grandchildren to spend the time with. hhm... what do u all ladies think? |
I think you've answered your own question in the first two sentences.. Not everybody is cut out for kids. And from what you say, it doesn't even sound like you're on the fence.. 
Your parents make some good points, but that shouldn't be a reason to have children.
I on the other hand knew from the time I was playing with dolls that I wanted a houseful.. Life interfered with my original plan, and I just have two, but I wouldn't even want to imagine my life without them.
And now I'm enjoying the grandkids, and there hasn't been a feeling in the world to date, that can compare with that experience..  |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 1:28 pm |
I didn't want kids when I was young(er) either. Then, something kicked in when I was in my late 20's and I wanted a child so badly I'd dream about a baby..sad, I know but I was having a hard time conceiving. I can't fathom not having kids and can't wait for the grandkids..finally, I play and they wipe up the poop!
You'll know, just like I did. Don't have them because someone else tells you you should |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 1:44 pm |
| Quote: |
Stardustdy
I wonder how many of u married ladies here that don't have kids or not planning to? I personally don't really want any children if I'm to be married. 1st, I don't have the time for them. 2nd, the financial situation. 3rd, I'm not exactly thrilled of kids.
But my parents always say that I'll be lonely if I don't have any children once married. My mom said who's gonna take care of u or visit u when I get old if my SO passed away. She said it'll be sad to be an old lonely woman with no children or grandchildren to spend the time with. hhm... what do u all ladies think?
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I really think that it is important for you to follow your gut feelings. Sounds like you have some clear reasons why you do not want to have children, and that can ONLY be your decision. I think too many people think that having children is either easier than they think, or some people have children when relationships are going sideways thinking it will rekindle a relationship, but none the less, if you do not want them, then follow that. I think many people bring children in this world and then realize that they are not cut out for it, or many other reasons and sometimes kids get left behind (sort of speak) Don't worry about the lonely thing, it is not about that...plus children grow up and leave the house and you can be lonely again...so that is no reason to change your gut thoughts. If for some reason down the road, you do change your mind..again that is up to you ONLY. I have one child (son) he is fourteen and absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I wanted one, and that is the difference. Children change your life completely, from what you do to your thought process, only have one if YOU want one.  |
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39 Year "young" female, Using PTR glycolic cleanser and Finacea with success! Passion for living and love Sunny Days/Beaches and The Ocean |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:01 pm |
I always knew I'd never have kids and I never did. I've not regretted it for one second and I thank the Lord regularly for not having any
I knew I'd make a horrible mother and didn't want to inflict myself on some poor child that didn't ask to be born. In all honesty I don't even like children and consider them a PITA! I don't have the patience for them, they're a HUGE commitment, cost the earth to raise and educate, and at the end of the day they still up and leave home anyway.
Just make sure if you plan on getting married that your future husband doesn't want any either!! |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:31 pm |
I hear ya anya: not having a good role model, I've always been leery of inflicting myself upon a child too. I love kids, just don't need to have my own. I know I know "there's nothing in the world like having your own kids" ....yaddayaddayadda. Adopting a disadvantaged child can give that feeling too and aren't there enough of THEM to go around??
Yeah that's a good point about your life partner being on the same page with it. That can really be a source of problems if not addressed from the beginning. Be honest about it if you really don't want kids! And no sense "giving in" just to keep or attract a partner. That just doesn't make sense does it.
So what! if you don't have anyone to "take care of you" when you get old! There's no guarantee kids will do that anyway! For my part, my other childless friends & I plan on looking out for each other! |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 3:46 pm |
| Well, I'm one who didn't think she wanted kids either, when told I probably couldn't have any due to 2 back alley abortions in my teens....until I came up preggers in my twenties and love being a mom!! So sometimes you think what you want is what you want, but you just don't know and sometimes it's the other way 'round!! confusing much? LOL! |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:01 pm |
I can't imagine life without my son and step-daughters. Now they are all in their late 20s and early 30s, but they have made life vivid for both myself and hubby.
Out of sheer curiosity, if you don't want to have children, why bother getting married? |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:25 pm |
| TheShadow wrote: |
I can't imagine life without my son and step-daughters. Now they are all in their late 20s and early 30s, but they have made life vivid for both myself and hubby.
Out of sheer curiosity, if you don't want to have children, why bother getting married? |
You don't have to have kids just because you are married. Marriage is just a permanent bond that assures that you and your partner are together till death do you part. It makes things official.
What if you find out you can never have kids, and you don't just want to be your hubby's girlfriend anymore at the age of 50?
Come on now..
Stardusty, I wouldn't want to have kids just because I want to have a "insurance" as I'd like to call it. You will be lonely at some point in your life, because truth is, not all kids take care of their parents when they're old like they should, that's just the reality of it.
If you don't want kids then don't have them, because you'll be forced to do something you don't want to do. If you regret later on and it's too late for you to have kids then just adopt, there are plenty of lovely kids without parents that could need a good home. Most important of all, do what makes you happy, it's your body and your life. |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:56 pm |
| lovemore wrote: |
You don't have to have kids just because you are married. Marriage is just a permanent bond that assures that you and your partner are together till death do you part. It makes things official.
What if you find out you can never have kids, and you don't just want to be your hubby's girlfriend anymore at the age of 50?
Come on now..
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It's a valid question. According to statistics, more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. So, marriage doesn't actually make "til death do you part" official.
Since so many marriages end in divorce, many women are opting to not get married at all, particularly if children aren't going to be part of the mix.
So, given the stats, I'm just wondering what it is about marriage that is attractive to Stardustdy. I'm presuming that she is younger and I might be wrong in that presumption.
I'm always curious about why people opt for the things that they do. |
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Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:43 pm |
| I am married and do not want kids. If I ever change my mind..I will adopt. There are too many kids already out there who are in need of someone to care about them. It breaks my heart to see people mass producing, and unable to give their children a good life. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 2:15 am |
| TheShadow wrote: |
| lovemore wrote: |
You don't have to have kids just because you are married. Marriage is just a permanent bond that assures that you and your partner are together till death do you part. It makes things official.
What if you find out you can never have kids, and you don't just want to be your hubby's girlfriend anymore at the age of 50?
Come on now..
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It's a valid question. According to statistics, more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce. So, marriage doesn't actually make "til death do you part" official.
Since so many marriages end in divorce, many women are opting to not get married at all, particularly if children aren't going to be part of the mix.
So, given the stats, I'm just wondering what it is about marriage that is attractive to Stardustdy. I'm presuming that she is younger and I might be wrong in that presumption.
I'm always curious about why people opt for the things that they do. |
I think it just depends on people. There could be two super rich people who don't 'need' to get married just for the benefits (health ins. etc etc), yet they choose to because it's in a way a 'contract' = don't sign it unless you are 100% sure this is the one you want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of your life. And if you are not sure, then don't get married (But why would you want to be with someone who you are not sure you'll be with for a lifetime? That's a waste to me)
Marriage is an affirmation of commitment. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:40 am |
| Quote: |
I think it just depends on people. There could be two super rich people who don't 'need' to get married just for the benefits (health ins. etc etc), yet they choose to because it's in a way a 'contract' = don't sign it unless you are 100% sure this is the one you want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of your life. And if you are not sure, then don't get married (But why would you want to be with someone who you are not sure you'll be with for a lifetime? That's a waste to me)
Marriage is an affirmation of commitment. |
I'm quite sure that lots of those whose marriages ended in divorce set out thinking that they were with the person with whom they wished to spend their entire lives. Sometimes it's not that simple. Sometimes things and people change. Sometimes love just can't overcome everything.
I've been around a few more years than you (I'm in my latter 50s) so I've seen both sides of the coin. I've been married twice.
Divorce can be so devastating, both emotionally and financially, especially for women, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to put myself in that position again.
I lived with my current husband for 15 years before we got married. Why did we get married? There are certain advantages to being married that become more evident as you grow older.
Don't misinterpret the lack of a marriage certificate with a lack of commitment. With me, it wasn't commitment that scared me, but marriage. It took a lot of time for me to overcome that. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 9:08 am |
| TheShadow wrote: |
I'm always curious about why people opt for the things that they do. |
Because hope springs eternal & love follows no logic!
And as my husband is fond of telling me, "Marriage ain't for wimps". It takes grit but if there is true friendship it can work. So far, anyway! (Not that I'm the expert. Just an observation.) |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:38 pm |
| TheShadow wrote: |
I'm quite sure that lots of those whose marriages ended in divorce set out thinking that they were with the person with whom they wished to spend their entire lives. Sometimes it's not that simple. Sometimes things and people change. Sometimes love just can't overcome everything.
I've been around a few more years than you (I'm in my latter 50s) so I've seen both sides of the coin. I've been married twice.
Divorce can be so devastating, both emotionally and financially, especially for women, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to put myself in that position again.
I lived with my current husband for 15 years before we got married. Why did we get married? There are certain advantages to being married that become more evident as you grow older.
Don't misinterpret the lack of a marriage certificate with a lack of commitment. With me, it wasn't commitment that scared me, but marriage. It took a lot of time for me to overcome that. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:19 pm |
You should only have kids if you truly want them. Not because you might be lonely when you are old. You may also change your mind later in life, either way its ok. Dont have kids to please anyone but yourself and your DH.
When DH & I got married we assumed we would have kids, it just seemed like thats what you were suppose to do. But then, at some point not sure when, we decided we didnt really want them. We both agree 100% on that, which I think is very important. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:38 pm |
| anya wrote: |
I always knew I'd never have kids and I never did. I've not regretted it for one second and I thank the Lord regularly for not having any
I knew I'd make a horrible mother and didn't want to inflict myself on some poor child that didn't ask to be born. In all honesty I don't even like children and consider them a PITA! I don't have the patience for them, they're a HUGE commitment, cost the earth to raise and educate, and at the end of the day they still up and leave home anyway.
Just make sure if you plan on getting married that your future husband doesn't want any either!! |
Ditto!!!! I never could understand WHY people wanted kids....then it hit me one day, in a way that made total sense to me. Kids are just like a type of pet that I don't want. I like monkeys, but that doesn't mean I want any. I like other people's dogs, but I don't want any of those either.
In fact, why would people even consider kids when they could have cats as cute as mine? (these are 2 of my 4) They love me to death, they don't talk back, and they don't need to go to college. And when they croak at 15-19 years, I can get NEW ones!!!
And as far as being alone when I grow up, that's what assisted living places are for...my grandmother LOVES the place she is at! She has more social crap to do than she can keep up with.
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No longer answering PM's due to numerous weird messages. |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 11:02 pm |
| Bethany - Obviously you're a woman after my own heart. Cats rule! |
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Fri Aug 29, 2008 11:21 pm |
| yogi wrote: |
| Bethany - Obviously you're a woman after my own heart. Cats rule! |
Oh, they rule alright, lol...I have been living to serve since 1989! |
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No longer answering PM's due to numerous weird messages. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:01 am |
| You have your reasons for not wanting children. It's a very personal decision and a huge commitment. Do what your gut feeling is and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. Marriage can be very wonderful and fulfilling without children -- I just think that it's important to discuss this with boyfriend/fiance before marrying so both people are on the same wavelength about the children issue. JMO. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:12 am |
| bethany wrote: |
In fact, why would people even consider kids when they could have cats as cute as mine? (these are 2 of my 4) They love me to death, they don't talk back, and they don't need to go to college. And when they croak at 15-19 years, I can get NEW ones!!! |
bethany - you crack me up! I feel the same way, although I have dogs. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:41 am |
| GirlieGirl wrote: |
| bethany wrote: |
In fact, why would people even consider kids when they could have cats as cute as mine? (these are 2 of my 4) They love me to death, they don't talk back, and they don't need to go to college. And when they croak at 15-19 years, I can get NEW ones!!! |
bethany - you crack me up! I feel the same way, although I have dogs. |
I am the mother of two grown sons, three precious dogs, and a grandmother of a 2yr old grandson. My advice dogs can ruin your carpet while children can ruin your life And with dogs when they have babies you can sell them Seriously I loved being a mother but now as a high school teacher it is a very difficult time to be raising children. At one time as a parent you could have a tremendous input on keeping your children safe and connected with the right influences. It is much more difficult now. I still wouldn't miss the opportunity to be a mother but in contemplating the issue you must realize they will bring you all the unimaginable joy and also heartache. Unless you and your spouse are 100% sure of the commitment, think twice. I have many friends that have lived happily without children. They also have much less stress. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:59 am |
| Toby wrote: |
| GirlieGirl wrote: |
| bethany wrote: |
In fact, why would people even consider kids when they could have cats as cute as mine? (these are 2 of my 4) They love me to death, they don't talk back, and they don't need to go to college. And when they croak at 15-19 years, I can get NEW ones!!! |
bethany - you crack me up! I feel the same way, although I have dogs. |
I am the mother of two grown sons, three precious dogs, and a grandmother of a 2yr old grandson. My advice dogs can ruin your carpet while children can ruin your life And with dogs when they have babies you can sell them Seriously I loved being a mother but now as a high school teacher it is a very difficult time to be raising children. At one time as a parent you could have a tremendous input on keeping your children safe and connected with the right influences. It is much more difficult now. I still wouldn't miss the opportunity to be a mother but in contemplating the issue you must realize they will bring you all the unimaginable joy and also heartache. Unless you and your spouse are 100% sure of the commitment, think twice. I have many friends that have lived happily without children. They also have much less stress. |
Amen to the stress. I swear sometimes if I didn't have 2 girls in the throes of teen-agehood I wouldn't be needing all the lotions and potions I buy. At least the dog listens and obeys. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:18 am |
Good, good for you. More women need to actually think about this question than just assume they 'should' have kids.
I agree with what a lot of ya'll are saying-More people need to get dogs instead of kids! So often what they want is a companion and a friend, and don't realize the financial strain and the serious responsibilities involved. Kids are a big, big responsibility.
I can't wait to have kids- but I am. Right now I want to enjoy my 20's, further my career, go out and have fun without children. Someday I will have them, but I don't want to be a less than great mom because I am full of regrets. |
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Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:23 am |
| marina wrote: |
| Toby wrote: |
| GirlieGirl wrote: |
| bethany wrote: |
In fact, why would people even consider kids when they could have cats as cute as mine? (these are 2 of my 4) They love me to death, they don't talk back, and they don't need to go to college. And when they croak at 15-19 years, I can get NEW ones!!! |
bethany - you crack me up! I feel the same way, although I have dogs. |
I am the mother of two grown sons, three precious dogs, and a grandmother of a 2yr old grandson. My advice dogs can ruin your carpet while children can ruin your life And with dogs when they have babies you can sell them Seriously I loved being a mother but now as a high school teacher it is a very difficult time to be raising children. At one time as a parent you could have a tremendous input on keeping your children safe and connected with the right influences. It is much more difficult now. I still wouldn't miss the opportunity to be a mother but in contemplating the issue you must realize they will bring you all the unimaginable joy and also heartache. Unless you and your spouse are 100% sure of the commitment, think twice. I have many friends that have lived happily without children. They also have much less stress. |
Amen to the stress. I swear sometimes if I didn't have 2 girls in the throes of teen-agehood I wouldn't be needing all the lotions and potions I buy. At least the dog listens and obeys. |
I really laughed hard when I read all these responses...I was initially worried people would flame me for preferring pets! |
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