Retired Husband Support Group
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free skin care · Mon Sep 07, 2009 7:00 pm

jdth wrote:

I'm hoping to get some ideas on how to get through retirement with my marriage intact. It's been a few years now and I haven't adjusted very well. From my point of view, the problem is my husband has very few interests and spends almost every hour watching TV, sleeping or eating. He has taken on a few chores but it probably wouldn't come to 1/2 hour a day altogether. I still do 90% of the housework. Somehow having him just sit there has effected my efficiency and I don't get nearly as much done as I used too.

I get out of the house three days a week and spend a lot of time upstairs on the computer or doing projects just so I don't have to look at him sitting there.

My question is my role in this. Should I insist he find something to do with his time or just leave him alone and try to adjust my attitude? Should I try to find some activities to do together even if it means giving up some of my interests? How insistent should I be?

This is EXACTLY my issue - you've summed up my life perfectly!

I was fortunate in one respect because my husband bought a boat and that got him out of the house and kept him occupied. Now, however, we're LIVING on the boat for a few months, sailing the Whitsundays. Sounds idyllic, I know, but now I'm just stuck with him in a smaller environment!

As far as your situation goes, I think you have to leave him there on the couch to fester - if you say anything you're going to be accused of nagging. If I criticise my husband in any way he just goes ballistic and I'm worse off. So I just put up and shut up. Just concentrate on your own interests, waste lots of time on EDS Forum, get separate TVs and get out of the house as much as possible. Sorry, I don't have any more positive advice - but I do feel your pain believe me. Very Happy

free skin care · Mon Sep 07, 2009 7:06 pm

Men are lucky to have us. Cool

I get so tired of hearing women being called nags and beeches! Very Happy

and men talk about how women are in menopause, or having their period etc.... Yet, what I really see is exactly what you ladies are discussing... men who do NOTHING but lay around and feel entitled and don't want to hear about it. And get mad if something is said about their slothful and unimpressive behavior. Gosh, can you IMAGINE if YOU DID THAT?????

Sat Aug 28, 2010 2:57 pm

I am at my wits end. This man has NO hobbies, he doesn't cook, he has NEVER done anything in the house and is NOT handy and now is trying to help, but hates doing it, so is like a bull in a china shop. I don't know what to do with him. We've been married 46 years, but I'm thinking we may not make it to 47!!!

Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:16 am

My husband is retiring in 2 WEEKS!!!
I am freaking out. I work 3 days a week & am seriously thinking of adding more.

I was a single Mom for 10 years & we have only been married for 2. I LOVE my alone time.
His idea of retiring and mine are not the same. Sad

Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:38 pm

I am a couple of years yiounger than hy hubby, who a couple of months ago, announced that he was retiring early , sooner than later, and I had "better get used to it".

While I love him dearly, he has no visible hobbies, and is used to a long work day. I cannot imagine what he is going to do with himslef, besides bother me to death.

I am VERY afraid I will not be able to cope with his constant meddling in everything I do around the house... from the fridge, to the cabinets, to unloading and rewashing dirty dishes from the dishwasher. Does anyone have any tips...

I will not be retiring for many years myself, and work full time.

I do not like the idea of having to find more things to do to keep me away from the house so he would effectively be out of my way.

free skin care · Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:53 pm

I'm now about five years into my husband's retirement - and all I can say is that it doesn't get any easier - he just irritates me to death.

So I'm afraid I have no tips - you just have to grin and bear it. At least you're still working and don't have to put up with it 24/7. Good luck!

Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:17 pm

I guess this is just what happens to all of us. I think for me it will mean I just have to be more independent ... and just do what I need to survive emotionally. The girls at work think I should go see a counselor but i cringe at the thought of telling someone my "problem". I think if I get stronger, his ability to "bully" me won't be so strong.

Sun Mar 06, 2011 2:31 am

Well, my first time here! ---feeling a bit like I am in a constant battle of the need for the "happy day syndrome"!----

hello to all!--you all have lots in common with me, and I am sooo independant, and he is sooo dependant!

I have been home for many years, then he kept comenting his resentments and jealousys about how he wanted to retire and do what I do, so he did 5 years ago...sure...he thought I did nothing!---boy, was he shocked about how fast the grass grew when he only mowed once a weekend... and found out that I had mowed it during the week too...he simply just didn't notice...and etc..

but, now he is here 24/7----he is so lost!!!
follows me everywhere even to the bathroom, and shuts off the light in my craft room...so after pleading for him not to do this...so I fixed it! -- I waited till he went out to his shop,,, and I shut off the electric breaker to his shed, and that was halarious!!!--he came rushing in asking if the electric went off in the house, and I explained....laughing... so he don't do that anymore....!!!!

I am a night person and he is a day person, I just get lots more done, staying up at night,I get to spend "my quiet time" just thinking and or doing just the things I love and no one to interupt me... and the radio (talk radio, and great old time rocknroll) keeps me company, too.

He snores greatly till about 3am, so I go to bed then when he is quited down some, and I sleep till 9am....he sleeps 10-6am and has his alone time then...so that has seemed to work out better than being at odds alllll the time!

There is just something about "guys"---they just don't get it when we explain our heads off, so sometimes we have to "give them a bit of their own medicine!!!" right girls!?? Very Happy

free skin care · Sun Mar 06, 2011 2:53 am

My husband's having a major operation on his shoulder on Tuesday, so now he's going to turn from an irritating blight on my life to an incapacitated irritating blight! Heaven help me!!

Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:07 am

Keliu wrote:

My husband's having a major operation on his shoulder on Tuesday, so now he's going to turn from an irritating blight on my life to an incapacitated irritating blight! Heaven help me!!

Hi, Keliu, I am saying a prayer for you both!---men show their pain on the outside, us gals keep our pain on the inside....it's also the time for patience, and extra love for him...at this moment....being careful that he doesn't use it to get your undivided attention, like mine does...recently I directed him to doc for his shoulder...but, he insisted he wanted a chiropractor...so I said fine...that would be letting him have his way...and he thinks he did good! Wink

Thu Mar 10, 2011 1:17 pm

Hello..Sooo glad I found this forum. My husband has been out of work for 17 months! I am going crazy.. Is there something wrong with me because I want to be alone. This 24/7 thing is getting to me. He runs some errands for me, but never gone for long...He knows that he is getting on my nerves, but he thinks its because he doesn't have a job! I NEED MY SPACE.. I am having so much anxiety because of this. Is this normal?

Thu Mar 10, 2011 1:37 pm

Gail911 wrote:

Hello..Sooo glad I found this forum. My husband has been out of work for 17 months! I am going crazy.. Is there something wrong with me because I want to be alone. This 24/7 thing is getting to me. He runs some errands for me, but never gone for long...He knows that he is getting on my nerves, but he thinks its because he doesn't have a job! I NEED MY SPACE.. I am having so much anxiety because of this. Is this normal?

HiGail, once I recieved a "dearjane" letter from my college boyfriend, so distraught, I went to visit my neighbor...Miss Annie, an elderly woman, so sweet and so few of words, I explained, and I asked her "how do I know when a guy is "the one"?---and she said, "when you can't wait to hear his footsteps comming up your sidewalk"---and they were retired!!!?? so there must be something to this "love thing"--it is still there, even when we are agrivated to death!!!---time for one of us to take a long walk!! and come back up those sidewalks!!! maybe that would help...so I sent him on walks, he comes back so "caring"---and knows his limits the next times....! Very Happy

Sat Apr 02, 2011 11:23 am

I am one of those. I've been married longer than dirt has existed and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he calls me and says he's on his way home. We have date night at least once a week where we go out with no cell phones no crackberries no kid talk no work talk. When he goes, I'm going right behind him. I wouldn't want to be on this Earth without him. He never bugs me. That's the truth.

free skin care · Sat Apr 02, 2011 11:27 am

Fawnster wrote:

I am one of those. I've been married longer than dirt has existed and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he calls me and says he's on his way home. We have date night at least once a week where we go out with no cell phones no crackberries no kid talk no work talk. When he goes, I'm going right behind him. I wouldn't want to be on this Earth without him. He never bugs me. That's the truth.

That's the truth with me too, Fawnster. I really respect you for holding to Date Night too. We've tried it and always slip. There are always things to be bugged by but, as every psychologist and marriage counsellor will tell you, those are usually the very things we fell in love with and need to remember that. x

Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:13 pm

Thanks for a great topic! My hubby lost his job over 2 years ago-- "economic layoff" and I really miss having "me" time even more than I miss the income. In my job, I interact with people all day long and want some peace and quiet when I get home... Having 2 apartments in the same building would be my idea of heaven. Or, like Helena B-Carter and Tim Burton-- they have 2 houses side by side and visit. Sounds perfect. So good to know that I'm not alone.

az

Fri Jul 29, 2011 8:14 pm

My husband and I both retired a year ago. I feel so much better reading your posts. I miss my alone time. I wish he would find something worthwhile to do. I volunteer so I get out but I just want time to clean the apartment and stuff without him around. I feel so guilty. Since he retired it's like he can't do anything on his own.

free skin care · Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:02 pm

Well fast forward a few months. Having an old house is a mixed blessing: Its charming, "different" and no one has one like it, but omg what a ton of work. Glory be! He has a project now that everything is falling apart on it!! Dancing

He's out on the deck or on one porch or another ALL DAY NOW fixing things! We didnt even know he LIKED to do that! Halleluja!

Im discovering new things too like kettlebells for exercise. I fell out of my exercise routine and now getting into a diff one is going well.

Its been a long time coming but I think we finally found our stride: do what we each do separately during the day without buggin each other or supervising and then spend evenings together.

He is a nightowl, like Karah and Im an early bird so we each have built-in free time too. I love to get up as early as I can to maximize that time too! Like, musical beds!! He comes to bed, we cuddle then I get up and have free time! Ya HOOO!

Wed Sep 07, 2011 6:27 pm

I knew you were out there, wives of retired hubbies. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do and I am not doing it very well. You are all being very helpful.

Sat Sep 17, 2011 8:55 am

One year ago hubby and I were working professionals and everything was great, as it has been for the past 19 years. Even in January, when I lost my job I found things to keep me busy and useful, and I was content. Hubby retired in June and I now I can't even drive to the drugstore by myself. What happened?? I love him and he's great, but he's driving me crazy!! Who knew I was doing everything wrong all this time, until he was around to point it out? I don't know how I managed without his daily guidance. Rolling Eyes

free skin care · Sat Sep 17, 2011 6:55 pm

KellyG wrote:

Who knew I was doing everything wrong all this time, until he was around to point it out? I don't know how I managed without his daily guidance. Rolling Eyes

Exactly!! How did I ever get the vacuuming done properly before without him sitting on the couch pointing out "You've missed a spot over there". His "help" is invaluable!!!! Rolling Eyes

Not!!!!

Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:41 pm

Oh boy, am I glad I checked back in to EDS after not logging on for months. My Hubs worked from home for 10+ years and when the economy went into the crapper, his company folded. Now he was home all day AND had nothing to do but get depressed and whiney. Money started running low so we decided to sell our house and move to a small rental home that we owned. All of the work that had to be done to fix up both houses and do some major downsizing was actually a great thing for us/him. He learned to do alot of repairs himself that he would have never attempted before. He had to go through ALL of his "stuff" he had collected thinking he would need it someday and helped set up everything for several garage sales we had. He was a real trooper and it got him off his butt and he even lost a few pounds from all the physical activity. After the sale of the house and the move he went back to getting down again. I told him to maybe look for a part-time job to help get by for awhile and to suppliment our social security. He slowly started to apply and about 100 resumes later he got hired part-time temp. 60 days later was hired full time and we even have insurance now. He is feeling better about himself and this forced retirement. I'm not sure how long he will be able to do this job as it is very physical work and he comes home worn out (that's a good thing ya know!).

What this long story is leading to is that IMO men NEED to stay busy. Laying around and mindlessly staring at a screen is unhealthy and a waste of life. Even if we have to create something that needs to be done, sometimes they just need a push to get out of that newly created comfort zone of theirs.

I forgot to include that my Hubs is 69 years old. No spring chicken and I,m not too far behind him. We no longer sleep in the same room because of the snoring and sleep patterns. But we do snuggle and then after one falls asleep the other goes to the other bedroom. We are much nicer to each other if we get some good zzzzzz's. If he were to still be home all day I would be a "Xanax Queen". I know it's coming, but I already have a plan to move for the last time and start a very small organic gardening company and sew/make customized Chritmas tree skirts and stockings to sell at local bazaars and online. I won't let him get bored...no sir!!! Laughing

Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:11 pm

such a relief to know that I am not the only one. My DH not old enough to 'retire' but is doing a Uni course at present, and AT HOME ALL THE TIME for the last 1.5 years. It is driving me nuts. Prior to this he was away on contract for much of the time and such an alpha male that even when home wanted to have his 'shed time', so essentially was a single mum. This was tiring, but at least I was able to relax a little after kids in bed. Now I am on constant alert. He exerts control over everything- seriously, to the point that I no longer even try to put a picture up, or change the position of a chair. Why bother? on the other hand, his constant presence at home has not changed the domestic landscape, after work, i still pick up kids, make dinner 90% of time. he desperately needs to get out and use that alpha male energy on other men, not me! Roll on the next contract job. thanks for opportunity to purge!

Sun Jan 01, 2012 8:55 pm

So, I typed in google search, "retired husband doesn't shower" and came upon your thread.

Technically he is not retired, but this is the shot over the bow. He is on sabbatical now but will be retired in a few years. I see this as a blessing in disguise since I can have some time to prepare.
But what to do about not bathing every day? When he was teaching he was fastidious. Now he takes days off and is really grossing me out. I haven't said anything yet because it just started. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I can't stand it much longer.

Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:05 am

I married my husband just 6 years ago. Not our first marriage for either one of us and kids grown and gone. He also retired shortly after we were married from a very demanding job. I still work full time in a very demanding job. He literally spends his entire day from the moment he awakes until he falls asleep in front of the tv. And eats. Non-stop. He is in his chair in his room when I leave for work and there when I return. Sink full of dirty dishes. I barely get in the door when he asks when we're eating. He eats dinner in his room in front of tv then around 7 p.m. moves to the bedroom to watch tv until he falls asleep. He only talks at me (what news he has to share about the mail, phone calls, tv shows) and then walks away if I try to talk about how lonely our marriage has become. He has an excuse for everything. If he's not eating, he's drinking or now has tekn up smoking again. I"M GOING INSANE

free skin care · Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:50 am

melisnis, I feel your sorrow.
I would insist that he go on a stroll with you on the weekends. Since you have a very demanding job, it would be too much to do with him during the week (the stroll might start out as an added stress). But start with the weekends.
For yourself, I would suggest that you start your day with 4 minutes of burst intervals. This means 20 secs of spot running as fast as you can with the knees as high as possible, holding light weights. Then rest for 20 seconds, then do it again another 3 times.
I do this on my NordicTrack which I've have for 25 years. It was the most boring of machines before I discovered high intensity interval training (I do longer intervals and more reps).
What will this do for you? It will diminish the production of the stress hormone cortisol which adds fat around the middle and it will give you energy for the day.

You can't get a marriage from zero to 100 in a day. By insisting on an activity, maybe as a condition to eating your home-cooked meals, you'll break the wall between.
Whatever you do, do it with a good attitude. A bitter attitude doesn't cut it with anyone.
I would start with this.

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