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Retired Husband Support Group

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fawnie
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Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:59 pm      Reply with quote
.....or, the One Bird Too Many in THIS Nest Syndrome...

Do you feel like tearing out your hair cuz he's always in it?
Feel like getting a job just to stay away from him?

You're in the right place cuz that's exactly how I feel! I love him dearly, but this new life change is just too much!! The honeymoon is looooong over and too much togetherness is just too much of a pain! I love the house to myself without no MAN underfoot!!!

*whew* I feel better saying it, but man that seems so Wrong! I mean, he earned his right to stay home too, but I'm just not used to it, and I don't like it!
How do you cope???

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sahmisme
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Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:16 pm      Reply with quote
Well my husband is working so I really look forward to Monday. Laughing I love him though, he's just REALLY hyper and I think he makes me anxious. Laughing
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Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:18 pm      Reply with quote
Oh God sorry I suppose it would have helped to read the title. Anxious Sorry I wouldn't have replied had I paid attention to that. Rolling Eyes
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Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:18 pm      Reply with quote
I don't cope with it at all. When my husband first retired I thought I would go out of my mind - I truly got really depressed. I also like my own space. This is made worse by the fact we live in an apartment so we're around each other 24/7. My husband does not play sport and has no hobbies, so he just lies on the sofa surfing the TV. If I'm vacuuming, he "kindly" points out spots I've missed. He's also not housebroken so he leaves a trail of devastation around him. He has taken up cooking - the mess in the kitchen would have to be seen to be believed but it is always my job to clean it up. We did used to have a large boat and he enjoyed going down to the marina to potter around on it and talk to all the other old cronies down there. But he sold the boat to help with finances so I don't even get the relief of him going down to the boat.

Gosh! I'm starting to feel better already. But, honestly, it really is a huge adjustment - I remember when my mother went through it. My friends tell me "just get out of the house" and I do spend allot of time walking the dog. I've got the fittest chihuahua in Australia! But I'm also spending too much time at the shops and I don't really have the money to do that anymore - the cash has dried up too.

It has been about a year now, and I am slowly getting used to it - but there are times.........
fawnie
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Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:12 pm      Reply with quote
haha sahmisme! O believe me, that counts too!

Yeah keliu, I don't see how I am going to adjust to this. I have my Red Hat Club and charity guild I go to and I have a part time job, but it's the long stretches of uninterrupted free time and peace and quiet I crave!! My husband is also like a tornado - full-tilt all the time and none too tidy! I do love him so, but I would jump at the chance to share a duplex!!

I read an article about a couple in the same situation who remodelled an old Victorian into his & hers levels! Each separate level had its own entrance, kitchen, bath, bedroom, etc. They would "visit". Doesn't that sound more romantic than seeing each other's "warts" and all? My husband didn't think much of the idea. It would, of course, take a major outlay of cash, or the luck to find what you want already remodelled. It sounds like Heaven to me!!

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Keliu
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Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:41 pm      Reply with quote
That sounds like heaven to me too - only I would like our separate accommodation on separate sides of the country!! Laughing
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Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:50 pm      Reply with quote
Oh my GOD that's like a dream come TRUE! His socks and underwear could be ALL over his place and I would have no idea!!! Laughing
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Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:09 pm      Reply with quote
I'm thinking that I will have some of the same issues all too soon. One of my good friends is just retiring, and his wife is reeling. As she puts it, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch!"

As it turns out, my husband is away for a week (I travel a lot but he rarely does) and it's been wonderful to have the space and freedom again. Now, I do love him but still...
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Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:44 pm      Reply with quote
flitcraft wrote:
"I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch!"


That's very funny - I'm going to use that one.

A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to go to China to study - by myself. I did two stints of four months each time. I studied all day, shopped all night, ate or didn't eat when I wanted to (no cooking) and spent many undisturbed hours pampering myself. Of course, I did miss sharing experiences with my husband, but we talked on the phone just about everyday. But having travelled with my husband on many occasions, I can tell you it was so wonderful to have no pressure.

Retirement is just constant, never-ending pressure. Now, I would never want to be without my husband (on a permanent basis that is) but my God! - just get him out of the house!
fawnie
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Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:14 am      Reply with quote
Good one flitcraft!
Keliu, I know how you feel...

I feel relieved that I'm not alone here.....

As a matter of fact, my husband says he likes it when I'M not home too!!! I just wish I could get the "separate apartments/same house" idea to fly with him! I'd even settle for a shared bedroom.....

The only way I am coping so far is to tune it all out. When he starts his cooking, I leave the room and make myself busy where I can't see or hear it. (Smelling it is another story: I'm vegan/he's a carnivore.) I can't complain - he does clean up.

In fact, we are like orbiting planets never in the same space. Sad isn't it. At first, it was interesting that we were so very different. Now it's just annoying. I lived in various communal-living arrangements when I was young&wild and soon discovered how much I hate sharing my space. A nice cozy cave would be luverly....

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rileygirl
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Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:01 pm      Reply with quote
This is hilarious. I already feel like this about my husband when he is home on the weekends. My husband has a few more years before he retires, but I always tell he, he will stay in the garage or go work in the shed, because if he is around me too much, I will kill him!! (obviously not literally!)
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Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:44 pm      Reply with quote
These are all great tales... about why I am not married. :->

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Keliu
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Wed Oct 15, 2008 2:05 am      Reply with quote
I am making my escape! I am off to Sydney to visit my elderly parents for a week - they're both in their 90s.

My father recently bought an exercise bike but my mother won't let him keep it in the house - so it's out in the shed. He sits on his bike peddling away and smokes his pipe! However, the smoke gets in his eyes so to solve this problem he wears diver's goggles!

I just know that when I get back, I'm going to need a support group for those with elderly parents!
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Wed Oct 15, 2008 9:39 am      Reply with quote
OMG Keliu!!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing The thought of your dad pedaling away smoking his pipe with the goggles on just cracked me up!!! I see where you got your sense of humor! Too funny.
Enjoy your "break"!!

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catski
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Wed Oct 15, 2008 10:55 am      Reply with quote
Ha, Keliu, that's a brilliant image.

Well, I sypathise with all you ladies. My husband has always worked from home and it drives me crazy to have no free time where I can be 'invisible'... I feel every time he appears and wants a little chat, I have to be 'on call' and occupied suitably, but not 'too' occupied so as to be unwelcoming.The unremitting daily strain of it gives me wrinkles, I'm sure. Crying or Very sad

Where are the relaxed men who know how to make a nice cup of tea and read quietly??
fawnie
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Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:41 pm      Reply with quote
catski wrote:
Where are the relaxed men who know how to make a nice cup of tea and read quietly??

Yeah! Anyway! I love my young Hawttie, but what I need sometimes is a sweet quiet pleasant 75 yr old!! Ah, me.

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Thu Oct 16, 2008 4:43 am      Reply with quote
My husband worked from home about 15 years ago.

I think you just need to get your husband into a nice charity project. If he's not into the traditional things in the US there is a group called SCORE (Service core of retired executives). They provide counseling for businesses in trouble (so many these days) and is very rewarding and he'd met new friends and get wrapped up in the problems of others.
if you're not in the US I know that there are similar organizations elsewhere (and if you e-mail the SCORE website they'd likely be able to give you info on this).


Good luck. Why don't you treat yourself to a day or two retreat at a spa?
fawnie
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Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:29 pm      Reply with quote
sharky wrote:
I think you just need to get your husband into a nice charity project.


HeeHee Sharky! You mean like put him on the curb and let Goodwill haul him away!! Laughing

No but that's a good idea about the spa. We both had a great time at The Fairmount Baniff Springs Resort a while ago - who knew he'd love the spa himself??? Wonderful!!

Now that times are tight, we are looking for something closer to home and cheaper, but he doesn't like to fish like I do, and doesn't ski, so choices are limited. When he gets really controlling and nasty I just take off for my sister's....but then we have to deal with HER DH!! He works, tho.

I will look into SCORE - that might help. He is retired from the military, and I think he just misses The Guys....

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sharky
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Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:31 pm      Reply with quote
If he's retired military he would probably like something like SCORE. He could organize people Smile (instead of you). Also volunteer fire departments have a nice "guy" atmosphere. I don't know whether they have jobs for older folks but the firemen I know are a good group.
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Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:00 pm      Reply with quote
sharky wrote:
He could organize people Smile (instead of you).

Egg-zackly!

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bethany
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Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:52 am      Reply with quote
Keliu wrote:
My father recently bought an exercise bike but my mother won't let him keep it in the house - so it's out in the shed. He sits on his bike peddling away and smokes his pipe! However, the smoke gets in his eyes so to solve this problem he wears diver's goggles!



Thinking about this just cracked me up...he is certainly very creative!!

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Thu Feb 26, 2009 8:13 am      Reply with quote
Out of desperation, I googled the 'net for online support groups for women with recently retired husbands and found this site. Just a few of the posts I've read have already let me know I'm not alone in this!

My husband of (nearly) 5 years (I hope we make it to May 15th!)retired from the university where we both work(ed). He's a professor, and after 24 years, left the only office he's had in all that time on January 1. Just moving out of his office was a chore -- he is the sweetest man but is the typical absent-minded professor ... never threw anything away ... kept grade books for over 2 decades, etc.

I still work at the university as an upper level administrator, and I had no idea this was going to be as hard as it is. I alternately feel depressed, resentful, and blessed (to have some place to go). I'm not crazy, am I?
fawnie
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Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:55 am      Reply with quote
vglore - Oh I am so happy you are here with us! NO you aren't crazy! Or else we all are.

It really has been an adjustment, but finally DH & I are learning to just get along with each other's idiosyncrasies. I had a hard time realizing that I probably was driving HIM nuts too. Reality Check. I gave up on clean carpets, but he is conscientious about doing the dishes. I love doing the outside work and taking care of getting maintenance projects done (hiring or doing it myself), but detest housework. Slo-o-o-oo-o-oowly he is taking over that vile part of Life. I have to bite my tongue when he FOREVER washes my black clothes with a white towel though.....He is the social planner for us and organizes wonderful vacations and gets the best deals ever, so I have to say....I'll keep him!

Vglore, I hope you will check in and vent, if nothing else! It does help to get it out and maybe we can see a solution. Best wishes!

I read about training the husband just as you would a dog. PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! And it works! The rolled up newspaper....not so much! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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Thu Feb 26, 2009 1:17 pm      Reply with quote
This transitioning between two working professionals to the current situation where he's at home all day, watching tv and taking naps (too cold to play golf where we live). We were married nearly 5 years ago, and for most of that time, we've commuted to work together, officing in the same building. He would pop into my office, and vice versa, off and on throughout the day, we'd have lunch together when schedules allowed, send each other emails and talk on the phone. We had a lot of interaction during the day.

When retirement became an impending reality, my biggest concern was that I'd come home to find the house a mess (I noticed a couple of other women talked about their husband's leaving a trail of devastation, too) but he's done very good with that.

I can't deny we've had a few heated discussions over this the past two months, but for the most part, it's a sort of a quiet cohabitation. He enjoys hours in front of the tv. That worries me because he's not getting even a minimal amount of exercise, he's doing the grocery shopping and now there's always ice cream and cookies at home (which neither of us need). I can already see a weight gain -- after 8 weeks! He doesn't enjoy reading, has minimal interaction with others on his own, and counts on me to organize our social activities. Since he's comfortable with this, I suppose I should be, too.

I don't know what my role is at home any more. I don't know what to talk about with him. I mean, our lives are very separate now. I don't necessarily want to hear about how he's spent his day (feeling that it's such an incredible waste - compounded by the fact that I have a very high-stress, highly visible job that requires me to be "on" all the time -- I'd give ANYTHING to be at home, pursuing personal interests all day). I was a divorced single mom, who raised 3 children, while working full-time and earning both an undergraduate and graduate degree. I have worked hard all my life and have never had the luxury of being a stay at home mom. When my husband finally decided he would leave the University at the end of last year, we were both going to stop working (I have worked for this institution long enough for full retirement, but could have received some benefits). That part of the plan got waylaid with the stock market crisis last Fall and so, we both agreed that I would continue to work for a while. I don't regret that decision -- it was, without a doubt, the wisest thing to do, but it does create some resentment. He was paid a very good salary, for minimal effort those last few years, and I would have appreciated it if he had chosen to continue working until we both could have left...

I don't know how much time needs to go by before I can expect us to get into a routine. For whatever reason, I feel isolated from him now, which is the saddest (and scariest) thing of all. I must say, for the record, I am having a much more difficult time than he is. He's really trying, and if I could get a better attitude about the the situation, he would be perfectly happy.

Geez what a mess!!! Are there any books out there that might help? I've been on Amazon but nothing's popping out ...

V
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Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:15 pm      Reply with quote
When I saw the topic of this thread I started to chuckle because my mother retired this year and my father has been semi-retired for ever. When my mother stopped going to work everyday I told my husband and friends "I give that marriage 4 months!" Laughing
The funny thing is they are doing the role reversal from your stories. My father is upset at the amount of time she spends "doing her own thing". I am not sure how to tell him if she wasn't doing her own thing she might use that shovel and tarp all women have in their trunks. Bad Grin Bad Grin Bad Grin

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