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fawnie
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Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:04 pm      Reply with quote
Alley wrote:
I am not sure how to tell him if she wasn't doing her own thing she might use that shovel and tarp all women have in their trunks. Bad Grin Bad Grin Bad Grin


!!!OMG!!! Razz You hit that nail on the head! Where did you ever come up with that zinger!!!!

Vglore: I guess it evolves. I was resentful at the outset: that my free time was encroached upon (selfish of me), and that he would notice that I spent a vast majority of my time online or pursuing my personal obsessions. Eventually we reached an agreement that we could do our things without being criticized as long as we spent together time, treated each other lovingly and got the house taken care of somehow.

You mentioned that this is a relatively recent thing, and it really does take time for the dust to settle and for each of you to hit your stride and find a sense of importance in it. Going from 60 to 0 for a guy is a big adjustment. They tend to vegetate if they don't have prior interests. He probably feels a little guilty about it, no?

The real realization for me came when each of us had to have surgery recently and we had to be each other's nurse - it opened my eyes to just how important we are to each other. It was a turning point. Not that we don't still quarrel, but it's more good-natured now.

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:08 am      Reply with quote
Welcome Vglore - you've come to the right place here, you can vent all you like, it'll make you feel better.

I think your situation is slightly different from everyone else in that you are still working. The rest of us are stuck with our husbands dangling round our necks all day. You state in your post that you are resentful of this situation because you would have liked to retire together. If I had to go off to work and leave my husband laying on the couch all day, I'd be resentful too. Not to mention the fact that you feel he could of gone on working which would have eased your financial strain. So I think you need to tell him how you feel about the situation - not make him feel guilty - but just explain to him how you feel and that it's getting you down. If you don't have it out with him, the resentment will get worse, it will fester in you which will aggravate the situation even more.

When my husband first retired I worked out that he was spending 18 hours a day in a horizontal position - either in bed or on the couch. Plus, he is old-fashioned, he views himself as the bread-winner and me as the Stepford Wife. He doesn't so much as put a dish in the dishwasher - I'm the one who puts out the garbage. He told me that he was entitled to sleep all day if he wanted because, after all the years of working, he was entitled to. Of course, my reply was to ask him when I was allowed to retire! But, I have to admit that in some ways this situation suits me, he would never dream of asking me to contribute to household expenses etc. and when I was working, the money I earned was mine and mine alone.

However, my situation has improved a bit - he's bought a boat so now has something to occupy him. The last few weeks have been heaven - he gets up early and goes and potters around on the boat.

So, Vglore my advice to you is that you need to tell your husband how you feel - you also need to give the situation time, situation that appear bleak at the moment can have a habit of turning around. And, of course, you've got allot of fellow "sufferers" here to off-load on to!

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:58 pm      Reply with quote
Vglove, while I do sympathize with you as your situation is totally different than mine, I have to say that I feel sort of ashamed of myself, reading back on my posts. To put it in perspective for myself, I really have nothing to complain about: I could be living in a cave in Afghanistan with 25 other people and no running water or electricity. Except they would probably kick me out for whining. I count my blessings and I'll shut up now!

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 6:49 pm      Reply with quote
fawnie wrote:
Vglove, while I do sympathize with you as your situation is totally different than mine, I have to say that I feel sort of ashamed of myself, reading back on my posts. To put it in perspective for myself, I really have nothing to complain about: I could be living in a cave in Afghanistan with 25 other people and no running water or electricity. Except they would probably kick me out for whining. I count my blessings and I'll shut up now!


Fawnie, I don't see any need for you to feel ashamed of your previous posts - I certainly don't. Yes, many of us in the Western World would certainly seem to lead "charmed" lives compared to those in Third World countries but everything is relative and money, along with running water and electricity, is no guarantee for happiness! Of course, our problems, compared to those living in poverty and misery in war torn countries could be said to be insignificant. However, there have been times in my life when I would gladly have moved into a cave (without running water and electricity) just to get away from a horizontal husband with a TV remote!! Laughing

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:30 am      Reply with quote
My husband was laid off in December. He is of age to collect SS but is looking for a part time job. Unfortunately, jobs are not plentiful in this economy.

My husband has worked in the retail business all of our married life. As a result, I have learned to be very independent. Working 50 plus hours a week DH was not around on a regular basis.Having him home everyday for the past few months has been an adjustment is putting it mildly. Like the rest of you I love my husband dearly but like my space. I try to remind myself that it is just as hard for him. Now, when I get in a bad mood because of his constant presence I tell him I need to get away for a bit.

I volunteer three times a week for my mental well-being.

Pray he gets a job soon.

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fawnie
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Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:56 pm      Reply with quote
Winnie, I can sure empathize with you! I am fiercely independent and always have been. Being married to a DH who had irregular hours (36 hour shifts twice a week plus the occasional 10 hour shift in addition) made me quite capable of handling most emergencies. So having him home ALL THE TIME was a big adjustment for me too.

Like you, I just need to get outta there sometimes!
We are learning to spend more time together AWAY FROM the house....on neutral territory! It seems to be helping. Before I just used to take a trip to the city for some retail therapy, but that was getting way too expensive, and I don't need any more STUFF!

We each go to separate gyms, so that's a healthy and safe getaway! I know I should be glad he's around to help out more, but I rather like having my independence. He isn't horizontal yet - more like a tornado: leaving a trail of destruction wherever he goes! grrrrrrr.

And yes! Best wishes for Mr Winnie getting a job SOON!

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Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:10 pm      Reply with quote
Hello all, New to this site, but I need your advice. Hubs has been retired for 3 yrs now, It's not getting any better. I feel like I've lost myself, don't know if that makes sense, but I'm getting tied of looking at him in the same chair all day on the computer or TV. Losing all respect for him, losing any desire for him. I'm bored out of my mind.
Please could use some advice on how to get him to work Part-time
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Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:42 pm      Reply with quote
tied up wrote:
Hello all, New to this site, but I need your advice. Hubs has been retired for 3 yrs now, It's not getting any better. I feel like I've lost myself, don't know if that makes sense, but I'm getting tied of looking at him in the same chair all day on the computer or TV. Losing all respect for him, losing any desire for him. I'm bored out of my mind.
Please could use some advice on how to get him to work Part-time


Oh dear! I really feel for you - know exactly what you're going through. I think the only solution is to get out of the house yourself. I know I tried persuading my husband to get off the couch and do more - but he just said that he'd worked so hard all his life that he was entitled to do nothing now!

My situation had improved allot because he bought a boat and that got him out of the house. However, he announced the other night that he has planned that we are going to go up north and live on the boat for about six months. I'm now in panic mode and am completely horrified about this. I know it sounds great, sailing around tropical islands on a boat. But the reality is that I'll just be completely trapped on a small boat with him for 24 hours a day. ...And not to mention the fact that he turns into Captain Bligh when he's on the boat and nothing the "crew" (me) does is right.

As for your own situation, all I can think of is that you should try and find some interests outside of the home. We're all in the same "boat" whether we're on one or not. Laughing

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Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:36 pm      Reply with quote
Thanks for your support. All good ideas. It's 5:00pm EST here in Mass.
And he's putting away the dishes, I do work and am a Friend of Bill W. that also gets me out. Good thing he's not drinking all day, I could not satand that!
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Thu Mar 26, 2009 3:40 pm      Reply with quote
tied up wrote:
Thanks for your support. All good ideas. It's 5:00pm EST here in Mass.
And he's putting away the dishes, I do work and am a Friend of Bill W. that also gets me out. Good thing he's not drinking all day, I could not satand that!


He puts away dishes!!! Shock Well, count your blessings - mine doesn't lift a finger! And yes, things could always be worse - it would be terrible to have an abusive drunken partner.

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Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:57 pm      Reply with quote
What area are u from? I know when the summer comes everyone is happier, we are lucky. Married a second time for ten yrs. now. Our kids are all healthy productive , adults. Our grandchildren keep us hopping. It is nice to take off for the day mid-week for a day trip.
Of course we have our little dog Sumi, who has become John's dog now, figured he needed him more than I do.
I think I am going to like this site.
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Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:57 am      Reply with quote
tied up wrote:
What area are u from? I know when the summer comes everyone is happier, we are lucky. Married a second time for ten yrs. now. Our kids are all healthy productive , adults. Our grandchildren keep us hopping. It is nice to take off for the day mid-week for a day trip.
Of course we have our little dog Sumi, who has become John's dog now, figured he needed him more than I do.
I think I am going to like this site.


I live on the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia so it's pretty much always summer here. We're going up to the Great Barrier Reef for a few months so I'll be missing out on the cooler weather down here which I was actually looking forward to - it's always very hot up north.

My adult daughters both live in Melbourne, no grandchildren as yet - but we also have a little chihuahua called Lulu that we both adore. This is a great place to come to when you feel down - everyone here is very supportive.

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Fri Apr 10, 2009 7:52 am      Reply with quote
I just found this thread. I am a long time poster but had been traveling since we are semi-retired.

I share the feelings of most posters here. My marriage was tough going for a while. We are better now but we still have moments. I need separate quarters badly, which I am working on. Bad Grin

When I told my husband about this thread he said to make sure I tell you ladies that he cooks most of the home cooked meals (that's because he is controlling and don't like my food- I like to eat healthy and he likes ... too much meat and carbs).
Any way he also vacuums, dusts, do the dishes, laundry, do the garden, take out the garbage and get rid of the vermin.

He said he is useful around the house. Silenced He does not understand what my problem is. I guess he feels he is under appreciated.
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Fri Apr 10, 2009 3:58 pm      Reply with quote
Haha moocheez!
I have a controlling one too. It seems like all the management skills he used "on the job" are now transferred to managing me!
He likes to do things around the house too, and I let him, but of course we have different ways of doing things.

There's a right way and a wrong way to do laundry, such as not putting towels in with the black clothes, but he fails to see this EVER! All my black clothes are ruined with fuzz that never comes off.

I share your sentiment about needing separate quarters - I even suggested that we get a duplex for separate kitchens, laundry areas, and baths and then share a bed and recreation area, but he didn't go for that at all. "What would be the point of being married if we did that?" As though being married were an endurance contest!

Next house will definitely have an entire room just for me with a daybed, large bathroom, stereo, workout area, refrigerator for beverages, fruit, veggies and skin care products....oh I'm planning it all now! It's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes: looking forward to better times.

It's so nice when he goes away and I can have the house peaceful and quiet and CLEAN! He likes it when I'm gone too so he can turn his music up full blast and lounge all over the furniture like a dog and cook his smelly food.

I think the problem is that women are used to having free time to themselves and then when the husband stays home all day it changes the dynamics.

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Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:41 pm      Reply with quote
A lot of divorces happen when the man retires.I think it just drives a woman mad.Yes!I can tell you one thing I am 54, my hubby is 50 and if he died if I did remarry I would marry a guy who is maybe late thirties to 40 why? Because at least he will be working till I am 70 and by then I will be so senile I wont even know or care who he is..... Laughing On weekends my husband is holed up in bed in the bedroom with the giant plasma and computer....sometimes I never even realize he's there! Very Happy He never insists on tagging along with me shopping...I am so glad I always feel so sorry when I see old couples with the husband tagging along to the grocery store!The only time he goes with me to the grocery store is when we are on vacation buying snacks and liqour and we are going to have a threesome:me, him and Jose Cuervo. Laughing
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Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:49 pm      Reply with quote
I do have a separate space to myself for my sanity-its a completely separate geusthouse/office.Its where I work out,keep all my clothes, private bathroom(and all the makeup and beauty items I bought off here-I need my own space)Its imperative every woman have a private space of their own where NOONE else is allowed to go into without permission!
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Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:26 am      Reply with quote
LucyLuc, I'm realizing how important it is to have my own space. Especially when I'm tired. I own a Beauty Salon and when I get home just waNT be quite for awhile, I used to have a drink but since I don't do that anymore, I need peace.\
I have to admit things are getting better lately, I think I'm just accepting whats going on.
This web site helps alot, to know I'm not alone.
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Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:16 pm      Reply with quote
Hello Ladies,
I'm single - for six years now (geez, whew - dodged a bullet lately!). I sometimes think I'd like to get married but then I read this. I'm keeping notes -
1. Make sure hubby has a hobby (preferable all day golf Laughing )
2. Have your own space with 'knock first' to enter priviledges.
3. Make sure he has basic home skills - cleaning up after oneself, and the ability to cook.

Thanks everyone. I can tell it's been very trying for you all and I am so sympathetic. I'd like to invite you all to my female-only household....

I am getting some laughs too. Laughing and crying with you.
Hugs,
Sis
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Sun Apr 19, 2009 5:25 pm      Reply with quote
lucyluc wrote:
I do have a separate space to myself for my sanity-its a completely separate geusthouse/office.Its where I work out,keep all my clothes, private bathroom(and all the makeup and beauty items I bought off here-I need my own space)Its imperative every woman have a private space of their own where NOONE else is allowed to go into without permission!


O Lucyluc you are the lucky one! Having my own space would take care of everything, I think. Just not having to hear all the noise would be pleasant!

I can't tell him to "get a hobby" - it's his life! He has things he likes to do. But I really think that separate space thing is important! I believe he is threatened by the idea and thinks that he will be shut out if I get a space of my own. Why the constant need to "occupy" space/time/attention? He never was like this, although the controlling part isn't anything new.

Sis, O DH has home ec skills! He looooooves to cook! But it gets out of hand. When he goes shopping he "stocks up" and fills up the frig with his food! He has bought so much stuff that it wouldn't fit in the freezer. He cleans up but then puts things away so that I can never ever find them again! Mental note: separate kitchens or at least 2 refrigs.

I've heard it said that the Perfect Wife is blind and the Perfect Husband deaf. Now I know why. And I'm learning to give up on ever having a quiet, clean, orderly living space....unless there is a lock on the door! No dogs or men allowed!

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Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:10 pm      Reply with quote
My husband is like the one from a previous poster, "he does not want separate quarters because what did he get married for ?" Rolling Eyes

Once we had a big fight and I moved into our son's room (he is away at college) and life was so good and I got so productive. Very Happy

I don't have extra bedrooms now, as kids are moving back for summer. I can travel around by myself though. Razz

For us, I think the key is to develop some activities we can do as a couple since our common interest- the kids are almost grown. I have asked to join ballroom dancing for a while but he dragged his feet. I think it's also important to develop interests of our own. I have plenty of interests, unfortunately the husband don't and always counted on me to "entertain" him. Our current problems arise from me having to carry the weight of the relationship too much.

I have learned to push back and articulate my opinion. It was fine when we worked full time and he traveled quite a bit so I don't mind accommodating him and his needs. I can't do it 24/7 since he retired - that's too much.Since he retired he felt almost like a gnat to me. From first thing I wake up - what are we going to have for breakfast ? Two hours later, same question. What are we going to do today ? Should we go out. All day long. He's gotten better at it though after much complains. I said he was like an overgrown toddler,endless requests and just as needy.

One of my friends said it's common for men to relate to the world through their wives once they retire. It certainly is the case for me. He won't go out with his friends by himself.
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Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:49 pm      Reply with quote
I hear that a lot: "like an overgrown toddler - endless requests and needy"!! Laughing Don't you just have to get away from it!!

Mine is a toddler too, always wanting to do things but making a big mess, breaking things - "I'm a BIG boy, do it myself!" My tongue has a permanent groove in it from being bitten. Blowing up the microwave and putting flammable items in the oven that don't belong there just exasperates me! I wish he would stay the h@%!!& out of the kitchen at least!!

Moochee - can I send him to your house to cook for your husband? He loves to cook, but is quite destructive!!

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Thu Apr 23, 2009 8:07 pm      Reply with quote
This thread is now required reading for me.

My husband intends to retire next year, I'm thinking of doing the same in two years and I am a tad anxious about what's to come. We took a week's stay-at-home holiday together recently, which I viewed in part as a trial run of retirement life. The first few days were fine: "I love you, hunny!"; "It's wonderful just to have time to relax together and not rush around", "You're so cute with your hair all sticking up like that first thing in the morning", etc.

After three fights in the seven subsequent days (complete with both of us throwing up our hands in the universal sign of I'm-dealing-with-an-idiot-here and stomping out of the room) and me giving serious consideration to obtaining a gun permit, it's clear to me that I'll be working for the rest of my days, just to keep my sanity. Okay, maybe I could retire, too, but I'd have to shop all day or live at the gym or do anything else that basically kept me out of p*ssed-off radius.

Isn't there a remote island somewhere that accepts retired husbands? Just box them up in a crate, drill a few air holes and set them afloat?
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Fri Apr 24, 2009 7:04 pm      Reply with quote
HaHa Pinky! Good one!
Do you find, like I do, that as long as you two are traveling (together) things are fine? In my case it's definitely a territorial thing - I want him OUT of my kitchen!

And I need my own room with a bullet-proof, sound-proof door with a deadbolt lock and adjoining bathroom suite. And my own computer. These simple things.

Once I had the luxury of taking a week's vacation by myself to a different country. My DH joined me there eventually, but that whole week by myself with no work or family pressure was pure heaven! Highly recommend!

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Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:27 pm      Reply with quote
Fawnie, you are so right! The mister and I can play nicely as long as we are actively doing something together and not just hanging out, waiting for the devil's playground to open.

I used to absolutely love taking vacations by myself -- they might only be a few days' visit to my sister, four hours away -- but it was heaven to leave all my responsibilities behind and just have fun for a change. We'd cook great meals together, shop, get pedicures, have lunch out every day and generally act like the two kids we still are.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed doing things with her; thanks for reminding me!
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Sat Apr 25, 2009 3:50 pm      Reply with quote
Familiarity breeds contempt ! I love my husband, just as I love lobster.But if I have to have lobster morning, afternoon and evening I would start hating lobster soon.

All the little quirks he had I handled with no big deal start getting irritating. And accommodating his wants against my own is fine when I only see him 4 hours /day , all day long - can't handle it. We have different taste in food, so I use to go with what he want a few times, and when he goes traveling I do whatever I want, so I get a breather.

I second a little vacation or get away by oneself. Absence make the heart grow fonder.

I love this thread. How come I can't give a heart to the thread ?? Thanks Fawnie for starting it. Question
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