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fawnie
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Sun Apr 26, 2009 1:55 pm      Reply with quote
Well, you know I started the thread because I just needed to vent! It makes my sister nervous when I vent to her about DH so I had to do something! If it helps us to get it off our chests, then it's all good. Maybe we can come up with solutions.

Moocheez, I hear you about the quirks! Somewhere I read that you know you're in trouble when you can't even stand the way he eats! I just have to leave the room - it's like watching an animal with its head in its dish. And this is terrible because I couldn't ask for a better man - sensitive, hard-working, intelligent and witty, plus we used to work in the same field so we always have something to talk about. But it's just the little daily things that make me disgusted. Maybe I'm hormonal, and I'm working on that...but it isn't a problem when we travel. Why is that Pinky?

Too bad he won't go for the duplex arrangement - it worked well for my father and stepmother for 15 years before he died! They each had separate houses in the same town! You'd never find a more loving couple, but they just chose to keep separate households. Must be genetic!

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Moocheez
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Sun Apr 26, 2009 8:06 pm      Reply with quote
You know Fawnie, I am thinking, if we put together a list of things that annoy us, and see if we can come up with a solution ?

For eg. he constantly make messes and does not clean up, -- can we hire a cleaning person ?

I have staked out my son's room when he goes away to college - and his room has a lock. Very Happy I had and will go off periodically to his room to read, watch movies whatever - to get a reprieve. I have started turning down invitations to have lunch with the husband & his friends - so that I have my own time.

I just told the husband I am thinking of going away with my daughter - thinking of Cuba or Europe, as the airline tickets are much discounted due to the economy.
fawnie
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Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:15 pm      Reply with quote
The trip sounds like a great idea. Is DH down with that or is it going to be a real problem for him?

The locked room sounds like Heaven to me. Every woman needs a room of her own, and I know it would solve 90% of my problem. We have plenty of room in the house, but DH has appropriated space in each and every room for himself except for my bathroom!!! It may be that I can clear his stuff out of at least one of those rooms and make it mine, minus the lock. Peace and quiet is the goal! A daybed, music, plants, books, room to exercise and dance, a computer, a nice window to watch nature, and I'd be happy.

You know, I had a cleaning lady, but I'm the one who decided it just wasn't worth it. It just seemed wasteful to pay someone to clean my house! Besides, I had to be home when she was here (that's just how I feel about it) anyway, so it wasn't much of a time-saver. How does that work for other people???

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Moocheez
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Mon Apr 27, 2009 8:34 pm      Reply with quote
Fawnie: why can't you make the husband be there for the cleaning lady ? Does she need to be supervised closely ?

I think having your own room is a great idea. I would just move his stuff out of one room and make it yours and yours alone. There is no reason he has to have a stake in each and every room. If he is not reasonable about it, just do it in stealth mode. Say you are starting a new hobby and need the space or you are painting/redecorating the room. Just make some excuse. It works for me, though I started using a different room after a big fight probably caused by the aforementioned too much togetherness and his neediness. We spoke as little as possible for a week, mainly because of me - I locked myself in the room and refused to come out as much as I can.

I don't need a cleaning lady because cleanliness is not my issue. Food choices, having my own space are mine. I have learned to be more assertive. In the beginning of this journey I thought I should try to be nice and accommodating because he earned his retirement and I ran myself ragged and resentful catering to his wants and needs.

I would not have consider just going off on my own before, and enjoying myself. Now, I figure I earned my retirement too, so I just declare I am thinking of going to XYZ and the husband is fine with that.

What is that saying ... If the mother/wife is not happy, then nobody is happy. Wink
lucyluc
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Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:22 pm      Reply with quote
if I didnt have my own office and bathroom I would go nuts!Oh and Moocheez when your husband asks whats for dinner just wait in a couple years when he asks whats for dinner every 5 minutes because he has forgotten he already ate(my mom is going through that now with my dad)
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Wed Apr 29, 2009 5:20 pm      Reply with quote
I love this thread Very Happy because my husband retired about five years ago. At first it was OK, because he helped with my mother. When she passed, he did nothing. That's when we had a looong! talk. I politely told him there were no free rides in life, and he would have to do his share (I still work). Now he does the laundry dusts, and runs the vacuum. It's been interesting to say the least. Now I'm thinking of retiring, and don't know if the togetherness will get to me. Confused
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Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:27 pm      Reply with quote
And another thing... it pains me to ask this, but has anyone's retired husband "relaxed" to the point where he's become lax about his personal hygiene?

Mine seems to have, and he won't even be retired until next year! I'm not sure what's up with the showering only once a week -- need it or not, as the saying goes -- but I'm not impressed. At first, I thought it might be the first signs of dementia (my dad, usually a fastidious, well-groomed man, just plain forgot to wash while still in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease) but, after discussing it with my doctor, I'm pretty sure the mister is okay in that department. And he's not depressed, either. He's really the sweetest guy and is not purposely trying to offend me but I want other people to think well of him and would hate for them to think of him as that smelly old geezer in the office.

You might think that my question belongs in another thread, but let me assure you that I've spoken to a number of women in my age group and it seems to be a familiar lament. The relevant menfolk seem to liken advancing years and retirement to an extended fishing trip: no washing or shaving required.

I've talked to him about it but it seems my comments only last until a shiny thing comes along and distracts him.

If no one else has this problem, consider yourself lucky. If so, let's hear what's to be done about it, with my thanks.
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:33 am      Reply with quote
showering once a week? I would move out of the bedroom if not the house if my husband did that.He takes 2 showers a day and if he tries to get by on one a day I reem him!Showering once a week might be understandable if u r homeless,I do think there could depression or something else going on,thats not normal.
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:38 pm      Reply with quote
Wow, pinky, I don't know.......he's still working, you say, and not showering every day? Something's wrong there, you got that right! Maybe make it "worth his while" to take a shower at least before bed at night. Much like you would train a toddler - appeal to his own self-interests.

Mine has stinky feet that wake me up at night! No kidding, the smell wakes me from a sound sleep. Like something dead and foul. I have told him how concerned I am about this, but as you say...it works only until something shiny comes along to divert his attention (nice turn of phrase)! I don't dare throw the shoes away --he has a nasty temper and gets in terrible moods. I'd never hear the end of it.

One more reason why men and women should not share living quarters. Visit yes, but not live together.

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Moocheez
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Sun Jun 07, 2009 7:04 pm      Reply with quote
I keep meaning to reply to this thread but I got sidetracked by my supreme efforts to find an "extra" home. Bad Grin I am looking for a home in SoCal and who said the real estate market is not doing well there ? I have houses with 20 offers competing Shock I don't have any luck so far yet.

Anyhoo. Fawnie do you have a pet that can have an "accident" in your husband's stinky shoes ?

Personal hygiene is also a pet peeve of mine. My husband has terrible breadth at times, that and the snores keeps me up nights. Sad

All the nagging got to him and we had two big fights in the past year. He never screamed at me that harshly before. However I did not back down and I have to say after I moved into my son's room for two weeks he took my complaints more seriously. Now if I say use the dandruff shampoo or use the mouth wash (a special kind, plain old Listerine does not work) he does.
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Sun Jun 07, 2009 8:36 pm      Reply with quote
Moochez - sounds like hubby needs a deep professional dental cleaning.

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Moocheez
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Sun Jun 07, 2009 9:08 pm      Reply with quote
sister sweets wrote:
Moochez - sounds like hubby needs a deep professional dental cleaning.



The man has regular dental cleaning and check ups. Upon research - note the research is on my part, not his, I think he has sleep apnea and the dryness cause the bad breadth. I researched and bought him this special brand of mouth wash- need to mix two solutions together and it worked well, but he had to do it regularly, like every 12 hours. Mr. did not care enough to do so. It was like nagging the teenage son to make sure he wash his armpits else he stink. It's rather like Sisyphus rolling his boulder up the hill.
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Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:03 am      Reply with quote
Why doesn't he go in for a sleep apnea test. My Hubby was diagnosed with it and the CPAP machine is such an improvement over the snoring. I've actually moved back into the Master Bedroom Wink
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Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:48 am      Reply with quote
fawnie wrote:
Somewhere I read that you know you're in trouble when you can't even stand the way he eats!


I really had a chuckle when I read that - how true. Fawnie, my husband is a very keen "cook" too - he cooks Chinese food and uses every single dish in the kitchen during preparation. The woks get fired up, the smoke billows, the oil spatters - the mess has to be seen to be believed. And of course, I'm expected to do the cleaning up.

However, the worst part of all of this is the eating of it. For the two of us he cooks around 5 -6 dishes soaked in oil and chili. When he puts every morsel in his mouth he says "uuuummmmmmmm" meaning "delicious". And then chomps away at it with his mouth open. My nerves completely go to pieces. What's most annoying is that in 24 years of marriage, none of my cooking has ever got a "uuummmmmmmmm".

Sorry about the late reply - but I haven't been getting the notifications, which is annoying because I love this thread!

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fawnie
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Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:32 pm      Reply with quote
OOOOOOOOh Keliu. That IS bad. ugh. Oily spicy burnt food.

Can the man be diverted to grilled food? At least that is outdoors. Maybe he'd like one of those grill woks. Then if he made a mess you could just hose the whole thing down!
Laughing "oops...sorry dear...didn't mean to get you!"

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Moocheez
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Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:41 pm      Reply with quote
You know I am very glad I have this thread to vent. It's not that anyone of us do not love our husbands or want a divorce. We just have too much of a good thing and we needed to vent.

I have a 30 something friend said something to the effect that I don't sound as if I love my hubby. Of course she only had brief marriages and relationships and was always very loving and admiring of her husbands/beaus.... until they break up/divorce.
fawnie
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Wed Jun 10, 2009 6:15 pm      Reply with quote
That sounds true to me too, Moocheez. I sound like an ungrateful brat...DH really is a wonderful man.....but a little togetherness goes a long way...... especially since I am used to my alone time when he was working full time, and so is he I suspect.

Yeah, "marriage is not for wimps", as my own DH is fond of telling me....and everyone! I wonder if he has a Retired Wife Support Group going on somewhere.....

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Moocheez
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Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:32 am      Reply with quote
Dh gave me a mini-lecture about how he is doing most of the cooking nowadays. Huh ?

I thought I was doing him a favor by letting him cook and eat what he wants !

Point 1. He spoils the children (22 and 21) and cleans up after them. I don't. I am more apt to yell at them to do the chores. Then when it gets too much the husband comes after me. I DO NOT WANT TO clean after adult kids. I expect them to pull their fair share, more than their fair share to compensate for their room and board.

Point 2. I am over weight and want to lose weight. I am also diabetic so I only want and should eat certain types of foods. The husband is all about bad food (for me at least) and will only eat bad food. He won't eat my tofu and vegetable soups. And he keeps cooking and cooking and my fridge is jammed full of left overs. Then they go bad. The fact of the matter is, he likes to eat his own stuff and his idea is that we must have fresh cooked food every mean. So he cooks what he likes, the way he likes it and I go along even at my own expense. So how has it get to that I don't pull my fair share ?
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Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:49 am      Reply with quote
Oh dear, this thread is hilarious! (And sad too in places...) Don spends two days a week working from home and I love it. I hate it when he is at work. When he's here, we nip out for coffee together or he makes me one becuase I haven't yet "mastered" the cap maker. (Actually, I mastered it the first day it appeared six months ago but why spoil a good thing?) He is company around the house that isn't furry (well, only sometimes,) and he doesn't scratch at the door to be let out for a pee. I wish he were retired or that we could get together a business that we could both work on at home. It would be fun.
ETA: OK this sounds kind of "aren't I lucky?" I don't mean to make it sound like perfection. I dislike the collections of unflushed whiskers in the sink. (When he goes to work in the am, he swishes out the sink. When he works here, he leaves it for me to do Rolling Eyes). Also, he always goes out for lunch without me and meets his buddies downtown. (His company recently moved from DT to the 'burbs.) And then there are things I can't do when he's here, or feel guilty doing, like making jewely (shouldn't I be working at finding more business?) These are all little things though and I'd much rather have them than not have him at home to keep me company.

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Wed Jun 17, 2009 6:42 pm      Reply with quote
Moocheez wrote:
Dh gave me a mini-lecture about how he is doing most of the cooking nowadays. Huh ?

I thought I was doing him a favor by letting him cook and eat what he wants !

Point 1. He spoils the children (22 and 21) and cleans up after them. I don't. I am more apt to yell at them to do the chores. Then when it gets too much the husband comes after me. I DO NOT WANT TO clean after adult kids. I expect them to pull their fair share, more than their fair share to compensate for their room and board.

Point 2. I am over weight and want to lose weight. I am also diabetic so I only want and should eat certain types of foods. The husband is all about bad food (for me at least) and will only eat bad food. He won't eat my tofu and vegetable soups. And he keeps cooking and cooking and my fridge is jammed full of left overs. Then they go bad. The fact of the matter is, he likes to eat his own stuff and his idea is that we must have fresh cooked food every mean. So he cooks what he likes, the way he likes it and I go along even at my own expense. So how has it get to that I don't pull my fair share ?


Mooch,

This sounds suspiciously like our house: we need separate refrigerators! Same thing! He likes meat and potatoes and all manner of ooey gooey baked goods, candy, chips, ice cream...you name it. I am vegetarian and trying to avoid all the junk food lying around.

Ditto with the cooking for himself thing. He says he likes to cook anyway. Win/win. And ditto with the mega-leftovers. He does eat them.....eventually... so that's a plus. I suppose if I were to "convert" I could share in the bounty! He is generous with the portions!

Yeah, not too good an example for the kids, is it, when he cleans up after them. What is that all about?

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Thu Jun 18, 2009 8:44 am      Reply with quote
Moocheez wrote:
Dh gave me a mini-lecture about how he is doing most of the cooking nowadays. Huh ?


My philosophy is "Whoever is doing the work, gets to decide how it is done." That means I don't criticize when he does a chore and god help him if he criticizes my work! So I'd tell dh that you will be happy to "do your share" of cooking, but then you get to choose the menus (just like he does when he cooks) and he can't complain. My husband is easy to cook for, he says: "Look, my favorite! Food!" My kids, on the other hand... Mad

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Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:19 am      Reply with quote
Fortunately my husband does not have a lot of annoying habits., he does eat slow though takes him half an hr to eat a meal,I think because he is watching a movie usually and that slows him down. The secret to not having a retired usband drive you crazy? Dont let him retire. Marry a man at least 10 yrs younger than you so he can keep working!I cant take too much togetherness I like to do a lot of things alone...like shopping etc..I am so glad my husband is happy to hole up in the bedroom with his flatscreen and computer..and he does not like to cook either which is good because I dont even like it when he comes in my kitchen...its long and narrow and I feel "hemmed in" when he walks in.
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Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:00 pm      Reply with quote
Is this thread still active? I found it when I Googled "retired husband".

My husband retired a few years ago shortly before his 60th birthday and except for the fact that he doesn't cook (I cook, serve, clean up), he sounds an awful lot like Keliu's husband. If there's anyone still here, I'd love to jump in, vent, and commiserate from time to time.

Thanks ladies.
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Sun Sep 06, 2009 4:36 pm      Reply with quote
Vent all you want - we're all listening and ready to sympathise. I'm stuck on a boat 24/7 with my husband at the moment - The Love Boat it aint!

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Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:56 pm      Reply with quote
I'm hoping to get some ideas on how to get through retirement with my marriage intact. It's been a few years now and I haven't adjusted very well. From my point of view, the problem is my husband has very few interests and spends almost every hour watching TV, sleeping or eating. He has taken on a few chores but it probably wouldn't come to 1/2 hour a day altogether. I still do 90% of the housework. Somehow having him just sit there has effected my efficiency and I don't get nearly as much done as I used too.

I get out of the house three days a week and spend a lot of time upstairs on the computer or doing projects just so I don't have to look at him sitting there.

My question is my role in this. Should I insist he find something to do with his time or just leave him alone and try to adjust my attitude? Should I try to find some activities to do together even if it means giving up some of my interests? How insistent should I be?
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