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Long Distance relationship?
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Stardustdy
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Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:01 pm      Reply with quote
I'm wondering if any of you here experienced that before? I'm about to experience one quite soon in about a month. The problem is...we don't know when the lond distance is gonna end. Sad My bf is going overseas to work nxt month and his probation is 6 months. So if I'm to go back for good with him, it has to be after that and most likely early nxt yr as I need to finish my employment till then.

The problem is...I'm not sure if I can adapt to the new environment and able to find a decent job there as the salary is not as great compared to where I'm right now. And if I want to finish school here, that will take at least another 2yrs...

I don't really believe in LD relationship as it's so~ hard to trust the other side. We can probably only see each other twice a yr, the max 3x and most likely just about 2wks each time. We can talk on phone or webcam but his work schedule and time zone will make it hard to do that like everyday. And since he's moving to a higher position and in a place where there might be a lot of ladies, god knows if he's gonna change or be able to resist the temptation. I know I should trust him but I can't help thinking that it's human nature to go for something that's better that what you currently have. I'm afraid that he might meet a lady that's both pretty and intelligent who he can relate to...and that might be the end of our relationship.

I know he loves me a lot and me too but I can't help thinking about this all the time.

So ladies or guys, do u think it's likely that a guy might change or go for the better if it's available? Pls share Sad
SoftSkin
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Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:57 am      Reply with quote
It sounds like you've already made up your mind to end it. There are thousands of people all over the world in a long distance relationship. If you love each other, it can work. However, there has to be an end point -- one of you has to move.
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Tue Feb 22, 2011 1:51 pm      Reply with quote
"Something BETTER than what he already has???" "Some one pretty AND intelligent???" Whoa there...who told you you were not all that and a bag of chips? I am assuming you are quite young and feeling insecure about this relationship and of your own great worth. There are plenty of wonderful and available women in every city here in the US. If he was going to be opportunistic he would already be. I hope there is something he can say or do to make you feel that his intentions are the same as yours. If not...better find it out now than a year or two down the road. JMHO
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Wed Feb 23, 2011 4:46 pm      Reply with quote
I've tried long distance, it didn't work for me. I hope you find some way to resolve your situation.
Stardustdy
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Thu Feb 24, 2011 1:41 pm      Reply with quote
Well... it seems like it's all negative feedback here Sad I guess if we're planning to have a future together, it's worthwhile to give it a try. At least, I won't regret it later on. He always tells me that this is just only temporarily. I guess I just have to believe in him and trust him although it's hard.

SandyT, in regards to if I'm young & intelligent... To some, I might be... I'm 29 already... It's considered old to some ppl compared to the early 20's. So yeh, depends on who's looking at it. But on the other hand, there's really nothing I can do about it if he's to meet someone that's truly compatible with him.

I guess I'm worrying too much but hey who wouldn't.... I guess now I have more time to hang out with my frds and concentrate more on myself then. I have to stay positive in order for this LD to work Smile
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Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:49 pm      Reply with quote
I moved to Chicago, met a guy, moved back to Europe and dated him long distance for 3 years. We would only see each other about twice or three times a year.

We got married in 2010 and he's the greatest Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

For us, though, it was never a question. It was hard but we knew from the start we were going to stay together and that we had to find a way to live closer to each other. He was denied entry to the UK, so that meant I had to move to the US, leaving behind my family and friends Sad

In many ways long distance can really show you if you belong together. My husband and I absolutely always had something to talk about, we have so many things in common, and we talked every single day for 3 years.

I dated another guy long distance before that, too, and it was a disaster. We had nothing to talk about after a week. We got along great when we were together or with friends, we had so much fun, but if you can't talk to someone, well, that was just a really strong indicator. I'm so glad I didn't stay with him because after breaking up with him I met my husband. Smile Very Happy
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Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:51 pm      Reply with quote
Oh, and btw I never cheated on my husband once, and neither has he (I hope, lol)
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Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:58 pm      Reply with quote
I've done LD twice, both times with the same fellow.

First I studied in Germany for 11 months, then I came back and a few months after that he moved to Alberta for work and we spent almost a year doing the LD thing before I moved out here.

We never cheated on each other, it's not that hard.

In the end though, we did split up. I think, for us, the LD actually kept us together for longer, because when you only see each other sometimes you don't get as irritated by the small things that be deal breakers.

However, I am a believer that LD can work if you want it too.
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Fri Feb 25, 2011 6:21 am      Reply with quote
If that's the situation, then that's the situation, there's nothing you can do about it at the moment so you have no choice other than to just go with the flow and see how things pan out. If you're both meant to be together, then everything will work out - leave it to fate - because at the moment you sound as if you're not ready to be making any monumental decisions either way.

Good luck!!

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Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:05 pm      Reply with quote
Stardustdy wrote:
I guess I just have to believe in him and trust him although it's hard.


Why is it so hard to believe and trust him? If you are not secure in your relationship this will be very hard on you I think. LD relationships are not easy but if the couple loves each other and wants it to work then it definitely can work out.
Stardustdy
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Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:55 pm      Reply with quote
GirlieGirl wrote:
Stardustdy wrote:
I guess I just have to believe in him and trust him although it's hard.


Why is it so hard to believe and trust him? If you are not secure in your relationship this will be very hard on you I think. LD relationships are not easy but if the couple loves each other and wants it to work then it definitely can work out.


Well GirlieGirl, the reason why I have a hard time with the trust issues is cuz he likes to look at girls on the street. I'm not saying he's checking them out but just look. I guess he likes to look at them in general either their face or outfit. I know it's quite normal for guys to do that but that just means he likes attractive things. sigh anyways...I'm thinking too much Confused
SoftSkin
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Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:20 pm      Reply with quote
Stardustdy wrote:

Well GirlieGirl, the reason why I have a hard time with the trust issues is cuz he likes to look at girls on the street. I'm not saying he's checking them out but just look. I guess he likes to look at them in general either their face or outfit. I know it's quite normal for guys to do that but that just means he likes attractive things. sigh anyways...I'm thinking too much Confused


Maybe you'd be happier dating a gay guy. Confused
Josee
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Tue Mar 01, 2011 7:28 pm      Reply with quote
SoftSkin wrote:
Stardustdy wrote:

Well GirlieGirl, the reason why I have a hard time with the trust issues is cuz he likes to look at girls on the street. I'm not saying he's checking them out but just look. I guess he likes to look at them in general either their face or outfit. I know it's quite normal for guys to do that but that just means he likes attractive things. sigh anyways...I'm thinking too much Confused


Maybe you'd be happier dating a gay guy. Confused

I don't think all men look at women. OK I have to admit that both my husband and I tend to be on the conservative side of life, but it would never cross his mind (or any of our male friendsí minds) to look at women. They would consider it disrespectful towards the women they would not like other men looking at their wives. Iím not saying a man who doesnít look at women is better or worse than a man who does, Iím just saying that there are many men out there who just donít look at women. And there are women who donít look at men.
Stardustdy, there will always be people that will be more attractive than you and your boyfriend, more intelligent, funnier, etc, etc. ButÖ there is only ONE Stardusty. You have a particular combination of traits that itís unique to you and that is what your boyfriend likes. Yes, he could be with women that are prettier, funnier, etc, but he could not be with any other Stardusty!
Look, the relationships are hard, and long distance relationships are A LOT of work. One of you might not make it, might get tired of putting the effort, might get tired of feeling lonely and you might decide to part. Or you can find ways of keeping the relationship alive, find ways to keep the emotional intimacy, find ways to be there for each other even if youíre miles and miles apart. No one will know. But you shouldnít feel scared because heís just going to ran off with someoneÖ no person of good character would do it. And if he did itÖ then he was not right for you and itís better that you lose him sooner than later.
SoÖ my humble advice would be to first discuss very deeply if both are willing to put the effort and under what terms, and after that, just try to relax and let things flow and see where they go.

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Stardustdy
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Wed Mar 02, 2011 2:16 pm      Reply with quote
Josee, thank you very much for your advice. I honestly do feel better after reading your post. I guess I shouldn't worry too much. If we're meant to be, then we are... I guess the distance will determine if we really love each other a lot or not and if we're right for each other.

In regards to looking at other women, I guess I do look at them sometimes if they're attractive or nicely dressed... So I tried not to be upset when he does that. I guess it depends on how he looks at it...a quick glance might be fine but if it's like constantly looking and hawking, then it really gets to me. So Josee, r u saying that your husband and guy frds don't even look at a pretty girl that wears quite sexy walking right past by or in front of you?? I would be quite impressed if the guy doesn't look Shock
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Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:06 pm      Reply with quote
Nothing wrong with looking. Touching, on the other hand... Wink
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Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:06 pm      Reply with quote
I don't think oggling other women is necessarily any indication that he'll cheat. I honestly believe that some men can't help themselves.

I am however of the opinion that doing so in front of any woman they're with is rude and disrespectful and I certainly wouldn't be able to tolerate it on any ongoing basis.

I wouldn't crucify anyone for looking, or even slipping up and looking in front of their sensitive mate once in a while though. I mean, come on... really? With guys you can practically see all the blood rushing away from their brains at times - I've felt sorry for them! And damn if I'm going to miss a look at that hot shirtless adonis on his bike, just to spare someone's ego. It doesn't happen all too often, and its certainly a rare occurance that warrants this, but there are times when beauty just begs to be appreciated.

And I remember being quite impressed after realizing that I'd never caught my ex checking out another woman in my presence. I remember seeing some undeniably gorgeous and very provocatively dressed woman at a bank machine in front of us once... I mean, even I couldn't quite keep from admiring the way she looked, and I didn't have that blood rushing thing to contend with. Anyway, out of curiousity I discretely watched my ex, and his eyes never even lingered! I was completely and totally shocked and though we never talked about it I felt like he deserved a medal. That might make him a gentleman.. or super cool anyway.
He did behave quite rudely at times during our breakup though.

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Fri Mar 04, 2011 4:48 pm      Reply with quote
Stardustdy wrote:

In regards to looking at other women, I guess I do look at them sometimes if they're attractive or nicely dressed... So I tried not to be upset when he does that. I guess it depends on how he looks at it...a quick glance might be fine but if it's like constantly looking and hawking, then it really gets to me. So Josee, r u saying that your husband and guy frds don't even look at a pretty girl that wears quite sexy walking right past by or in front of you?? I would be quite impressed if the guy doesn't look Shock

To be honest, in our circle it would be considered VERY disrespectful for a man to look at a "sexy" woman passing, or for a woman to look at a "sexy" man passing. But as I said before, we do come from a conservative background and our lifestyle and our friends are definitely not mainstream. It doesnít make someone a better or worse person, itís just a different way of being.

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Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:34 am      Reply with quote
I met my husband on the internet, he was living in England and I was in NJ. I flew out to meet him and we dated LD for a few months. It was difficult and of course everyone thought we were crazy. I decided to move to the UK after 6 months and we lived there for 2 years. I wasn't very happy in England, so we moved back to NJ. Now we have two sons and own a house.

There were a lot of tears in there, missing each other greatly. It wasn't easy but a lot of couples do it and get through it. With stuff like Skype, makes it easier.

Now for the oogling of other women, you can always talk to him about it and say how it makes you feel.

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Sat Mar 05, 2011 12:54 pm      Reply with quote
WhiteWolf wrote:
I met my husband on the internet, he was living in England and I was in NJ. I decided to move to the UK after 6 months and we lived there for 2 years.


My cousin lives in NJ and is in a similar situation. She and her British guy have fallen in love but aren't quite ready to get married yet. If they aren't married, neither can work legally in each others country nor stay beyond six months at one time. I think there is even a rule about how often someone can enter or leave in a year. How did you manage?
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Sat Mar 05, 2011 8:49 pm      Reply with quote
I wound up getting a Fiance Visa for the UK, since the UK gives you 6 months to marry (this was back in 2004, not sure if it's been changed plus wasn't allowed to work till I got the marriage visa).

The U.S. one gives less time to get married and I moved there thinking it was for good but then changed my mind after I had my first son.

So we applied for U.S. Visas, got my Stepfather to sponsor us. Luckily right before we moved, my husband landed a job (he interviewed in the company's London office). So now he works in NYC and thanks to that company, we only had to live with my parents a few months.

Now the really weird thing is that my husband's only sibling (a brother) also met and married an American. He now lives in CT, a few hours away.
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