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Fri Mar 20, 2015 9:50 pm  |
A good friend of mine just asked me if I was fifty. When I told her I was forty-seven, she just laughed and apologized if she offended me. IF. This is not the first time I've been insulted about my age, my older brother is always reminding me that WE are getting old. Once I jokingly told him to speak for himself, and he made a point of telling me that my best days were behind me. He has never been known for his tact or his positive attitude.
The thing is...I never EVER ask anyone to comment on my looks, age, etc, just in case they say something I don't want to hear but, for some reason, certain people just have to volunteer an insult every now and again. It's hard enough getting older without being reminded that I'm looking older as well. I try my best to take care of myself, and I definitely haven't let myself go, but years of smoking and partying in my twenties and an ongoing chronic illness in my forties, have taken their toll.
I know three years difference is not that much, but I've just recently started on a healthier lifestyle, and was feeling really positive about myself...I wasn't expecting to get an insult from a good friend.
I know I'm not the first one this has happened to. My sister and an older friend have had their share of insults over the years as well. Even my glum brother has admitted being mistaken for being older than his years. It sucks!
I just had to vent here, because my husband would just laugh at me and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else. |
_________________
47 years and really feeling it, forever fair-skinned accented with the wonderful flush known as Rosacea |
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Sun Mar 22, 2015 3:06 am |
| I am in my late 40's now. In 30's, I was shocked to notice I was ageig earlier than those at my age. I was depressed and would go for and pay for any way to reverse the process. Years later, I am surprised to realize things are turning around. So, I must say all the very basic change you need to make is to keep your diet healthy and stay in a positive mentality plus do proper skincare. I believe that will make us look different. |
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havana8
Moderator
 
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 3449
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Mon Mar 23, 2015 7:00 am |
Hi Eireann
Sorry to hear of your experience. There’s a couple of things I’d love to suggest to you to try. It won’t change the past but perhaps will take away some of the ill feeling you have.
Firstly ask your friend why they came to that number. They may not have meant it as an insult (and if they did it may be time to say goodbye). Just because you are 3 years younger than the age she guessed isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may be that you are mature for your age or perspective, or it could be for any number of other reasons so why not first establish why that is so?
With your older brother, and his opinion – they are only as powerful as you make it/them. Not everyone who is 50, 60, 70 or 80 or even older lives by his moto and if anything the idea that your best days are behind you is one of the biggest piles of crap I’ve ever heard. Whenever I’m face with statements like that I always like to ask questions so maybe asking is there anyone your age who is looking younger than your age out in the world is a great place to start because it starts opening up possibilities. Your life is yours for the making, and sure you can grow old (but you don’t have to look old), but no matter what your age who is to say that your best days aren’t ahead of you.
People will always volunteer information like this and you can treat it just like it is as their personal opinion or you can make it really significant and depressing and start to actually create that in your body. Even if you are a smoker – your not dead yet and your skin can and will become healthy if you use the right stuff and eat the healthy kinds of foods that your body requires. However when someone does offer information its helpful to have some answers that you can just roll off your tongue. Doesn’t have to be a put down but can simply be something that causes them to think. Something like “really, my hairdresser says I look great for my age” or “but my doctor tells me I have a really healthy and fit body” etc. |
_________________
FlexEffect Trainer |
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Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:14 am |
In my experiance many people have an idealised view of themselves or they focus on their best bits not really taking in the whole picture. In general I take quite a critical veiw of myself but I still somehow imagine I am looking younger than I am or at least younger than my peers but they all think that about themselves too even when they clearly look their age or older! Also in my experiance everyone has a different criteria when looking for age markers, I look at the skin pure and simple but I would suspect most others look at hair, dress, posture, weight as their main referance points so that they may percieve someone with an older facial appearance as much younger.
I have given myself a hard time over the years and I feel I have made my best progress recently focusing not on trying to stay looking "young" forever but on trying to optimise my health and wellbeing working more holistically with my body rather than attempting to beat it into submisson.
Also regarding the critque of others and their judgemental comments that is really their reality, they choose to see things that way to not see the beauty in people of any age old and young, it sounds corny but it is true that we have a vision of what is acceptable foisted on use by the media and it hijacks us on some level.
Just keep up your good work getting healthy and stay positive, regardless of other peoples negativity. |
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Sat Mar 28, 2015 12:57 am |
| pandora77 wrote: |
Just keep up your good work getting healthy and stay positive, regardless of other peoples negativity. |
Thumbs up!
Optimist Creed
To be so strong that nothing can
disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to
every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only
for the best and accept only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the
success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and
press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance
at all times and give every living creature you meet
a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy
to permit the presence of trouble.
--Optimist International |
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Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:48 pm |
| eireann wrote: |
A good friend of mine just asked me if I was fifty. When I told her I was forty-seven, she just laughed and apologized if she offended me. IF. This is not the first time I've been insulted about my age, my older brother is always reminding me that WE are getting old. Once I jokingly told him to speak for himself, and he made a point of telling me that my best days were behind me. He has never been known for his tact or his positive attitude.
The thing is...I never EVER ask anyone to comment on my looks, age, etc, just in case they say something I don't want to hear but, for some reason, certain people just have to volunteer an insult every now and again. It's hard enough getting older without being reminded that I'm looking older as well. I try my best to take care of myself, and I definitely haven't let myself go, but years of smoking and partying in my twenties and an ongoing chronic illness in my forties, have taken their toll.
I know three years difference is not that much, but I've just recently started on a healthier lifestyle, and was feeling really positive about myself...I wasn't expecting to get an insult from a good friend.
I know I'm not the first one this has happened to. My sister and an older friend have had their share of insults over the years as well. Even my glum brother has admitted being mistaken for being older than his years. It sucks!
I just had to vent here, because my husband would just laugh at me and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else. |
I think it is great that you are taking steps for a healthier body. It will take time to undo the previous history of smoking, etc.
I sometimes think people are older. If they had kids young or have a long history of working in the same company or industry; it appears to me that they are older than they are.
I am always vague when someone asks me how old do I think they are. |
_________________
Canadian with fair skin. 50+ years old sensitive and reactive. |
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Wed Jun 17, 2015 5:44 pm |
Some people just don't exercise good judgment when it comes to guessing ages, weights, etc. I was feeling good about losing ten pounds when a coworker asked me if I weighed about 170 lbs. I said, "No." and he said, "More than that?". I weigh 155  He was way off, but I just passed it off as just very poor estimation. |
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Allysanchez
New Member
Joined: 01 Jul 2015
Posts: 7
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Wed Jul 01, 2015 1:28 am |
There is not a lot of difference between 47 and 50... only 3 years... your friend didn't insult you so don't think about it anymore  |
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Wed Jul 08, 2015 3:45 pm |
I would say you are "weak" to comments about aging. (as are most ppl & the collective doesn't help)
I have learned how to do Yuen Method & have strengthened myself to these weaknesses as well as many others. What an amazing life I now have!
You can use it to rejuvenate yourself as well.
Daily improvement in life obtained by your own means is priceless! |
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OrangeBanana
New Member
Joined: 15 Jul 2015
Posts: 4
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Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:19 am |
| Do you try any skin products? After I started using skin creams people asked me if I was younger than my current age. |
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Sun Jul 19, 2015 4:47 am |
What is yuen method - I googled it and got a lot of mixed information?
| cabrita wrote: |
I would say you are "weak" to comments about aging. (as are most ppl & the collective doesn't help)
I have learned how to do Yuen Method & have strengthened myself to these weaknesses as well as many others. What an amazing life I now have!
You can use it to rejuvenate yourself as well.
Daily improvement in life obtained by your own means is priceless! |
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Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:01 am |
I have a few thoughts for you..and don't despair..and let those people define you.
1. I don't know where you live yet i wonder... when i lived up North..people were too free with their comments..okay rude. They would always ask me to "smile" you need to "smile" you look like this or that. (who in the heck asked them? not me? did I ask for their usnoliscited rude opinion? no!) When I moved to the South and I've lived here 20 years....not one rude comment about looks..age.. or are yo going to have a baby?..all the rude things northerners say.)
2. You can always make yourself look younger then you are. I have found:
--- weight gain makes people look older. The easiest thing to do to look younger is be fit.
-- clothes.. a dated wardrobe. Just buy new clothes in a fashonalbe section of the store..not "woman's world..or departments meant for older women.
--- hair color and style.. find a good stylist and tell them you want to look younger..and do what they say..Maybe change the color..or get highlights..(also keratin treatments make hair look like a teenagers again)
-- make up.. go to Sophora and get a makeover ..tell them you want to look more on trend and young.
Then there is making your skin younger.. you can do it through Obaji Nuderm or copper peptides and other minimal proceedures if you wish. |
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Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:42 pm |
Hotdocgirl:
I agree with everything you posted - especially to part about hairstyles. Nothing ages anyone(woman or man) like a dated 'do. I try to use a 'youngish' stylist - not a kid, but one who has a hairstyle and color that is current. If she doesn't care about her own style, then why would she do anything much for me. (I prefer women stylist. I never had a man who didn't want to cut my hair too short.)
I am a Texan, and many of us were taught as children that it is rude to comment on a person's age. That being said, if either of my brothers comments on my age, I'll tell him to 'kiss my grits'.  |
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Wed Jul 22, 2015 7:54 pm |
I always say…never ask anyone a question that has to do with number.. rude! how old you are? how much you weigh? How much money you make? Or what zip code you live in? c'mon..
I do love Texans… nice big friendly attitude. |
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Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:58 am |
The other day I was shopping at Whole Foods...and, it just so happened to be on senior day (% off purchase) the cashier said " You're not a senior are you?"
The way she worded her question was brilliant... a fail-safe way not to offend.  |
_________________
Founder of FlexEffect Facialbuilding. My Photo Journal: FlexEffect.com/deb-photos |
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Thu Jul 30, 2015 6:58 am |
I do agree, we Texas women know better than to comment on age, status of pregnancy, etc. (well most of us, exceptions to every rule). That's because we don't want anyone saying that to us!
I hate it when they DON'T card me, haha.
Now if I can just teach them to not ask how much something costs, that be really be annoying. That is my pet peeve and I consider it bad manners (unless it is family or the right circumstance).
You have gotten some great advice on the physical aspects of sprucing up and just remember the physiological side as well. Keep a young mental attitude and dont let it get you down!
Sometimes the person saying/asking it can be projecting their own insecurities. Case in point, one of my SIL's saying "You look good, have you had work done?" Needless to say, that did not sit well! My reply, "No, just happy. You should try it".
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_________________
Joined the 50 club several years back, blonde w/ fair/sensitive skin, Texas humidity and prone to rosacea, light breakouts and sunburns, combo skin type, starting to see sundamage and fine lines |
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OrangeBanana
New Member
Joined: 15 Jul 2015
Posts: 4
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Tue Aug 04, 2015 2:34 am |
| Deb Crowley wrote: |
The other day I was shopping at Whole Foods...and, it just so happened to be on senior day (% off purchase) the cashier said " You're not a senior are you?"
The way she worded her question was brilliant... a fail-safe way not to offend. |
Another fail safe is not to say anything and let the customer say they are a senior so they get the discount. |
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Tue Aug 04, 2015 12:17 pm |
| hotdocgirl wrote: |
When I moved to the South and I've lived here 20 years....not one rude comment about looks..age...all the rude things northerners say.)
--- weight gain makes people look older. The easiest thing to do to look younger is be fit.
-- clothes.. a dated wardrobe.
--- hair color and style.. find a good stylist and tell them you want to look younger...
-- make up.. go to Sophora and get a makeover ..tell them you want to look more on trend and young.
|
I am hoping to move to the southeast US next year so this is good news. I won't have to lie about my age because no one will ask!
I do everything you suggest.
HotandFlashy has a great youtube channel I subscribe to. She is 53 and offers tips on looking young: hair, makeup, clothes, fitness. I've saved a lot of money on makeup thanks to her reviews. |
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Allysanchez
New Member
Joined: 01 Jul 2015
Posts: 7
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Mon Nov 02, 2015 11:15 pm |
| I think you should not think about that because they didn't insult you even if I know it's something bothering. Juste take it easy and if you don't say anything, your friends will never joke anymore about your age. |
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Sat Jan 16, 2016 9:03 am |
Let's get one thing clear to everyone who said that this friend did not insult the OP. the friend most certainly did insult her, because I do t know one woman who thinks "looking exactly her age" is ok. Not even the 25 year olds want to look their age! So adding on three years is most definitely not ok when we're all silently freaking about aging.
I'm 40, and I was with my friend and her kids one day last month. My friend is also 40 (who's been mistaken for 45 at times but she thinks she looks great) and her kids are 7 and 13 year old girls. We were at a restaurant and the guy behind the counter asked ME if they were my kids. I tried my hardest not to be completely insulted, because my friend actually looks nothing like her kids and I look way more like them (my friends kids are biracial and she's straight up white, where as I have olive skin and dark hair).
So I freaked out later that day and asked my friend if I looked old (weve been friends since college and she knows my freak outs too well) and of course she said "no you look great". Then I asked "do I look 40?" And she replied "well, you ARE 40". And she would not tell me that I did not look 40 lol. That made me so upset.
When everyone else I've literally ever met or run into or spoken with has never once guessed I was the age I was. I usually get anywhere from 28-34 tops.
So...my point here is this:
1. People are tactless
2. People are also stupid
3. People's opinions of what a certain age/weight looks like is based on their personal experience with it. For example, if someone asked a friend of asked Eva Longoria what 40 looks like, they'd have HER as a picture in their head.
4. I know very young people who look young who I thought were older simply bc of where they were in their life, how old their kids looked, how long they'd been with a certain position, etc (similar to what another poster replied earlier in this thread)
5. Weight, hair, clothes ABSOLUTELY can age someone. You can have an older looking face, but with shiny healthy hair and a young, fit, supple body, can most definitely pass for way younger.
6. Sugar is our enemy. And I'm saying this the morning after I ate a chocolate cup, a truffle, and a cupcake :/
Take heed, my friends, there is always always always hope. |
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Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:53 am |
| take it easy... |
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Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:38 am |
Just to share a different view here. I’m a 60 plus and by plus I can honestly say I shudder every time I say it but I’m in my later 60s than early 60’s, and if or when people tell me I look exactly like my age – I am not offended. In fact I’m quite happy that I got this far LOL. The original poster may or may not have felt insulted by her friend, but her friend is one person entitled to their beliefs just like you or I are entitled to ours. However letting one persons idea of how old you are ruin your life is such a waste of energy. I was young once and used to freak over everything, and it took years worth of energy and probably aged me more than anything else. In fact looking at my children when they were younger – the boys wanted to be in their 20’s in their late teens, and my friends daughters were exactly the same so freaking out about aging is by far one of the easiest ways to age yourself than not age.
Now at 40 years young (and you are young at 40 – I’m at least 20 years older than you so can say that with certainty) as you say there were some things going on that day. The fact that their mother looks different than her kids isn’t such a big deal. Likewise the guy behind the counter looking at the kids and the looking at you and her – is it really such a big deal that he thought you looked similar to the kids and so by association might be their mom? You say you tried your hardest not to be completely insulted but whats the big deal here. They aren’t your kids, and he probably just did it by process of looking to see who looked similar to the kids.
The fact that you are freaking out about being or looking 40 is more to do with what 40 means to you. I know I had the mega thing about being 60, and it wasn’t until I lost a close friend that it put things into perspective for me. Plus in my late 50’s my hubby got cancer and I didn’t think he was going to make it. It really helps to put things into perspective when those things happen as you start to realise how precious life is.
I agree that weight, hair and clothes and even the way you move your body can age you for sure. I’ve seen women in their 50’s go up leaning on the stairs and then other women older than me literally jog up the stairs. I’m not yet a full jogger but I know that out of both examples, the one I prefer to be is the older woman. I’ve also noticed that the older women I know, all had a classical dance background and this is probably why their postures are so good and they move so gracefully.
Also I know a lot is written about sugar and how bad it is, but people also forget that our bodies actually need sugar. I remember reading an article in slimming world that actually had a doctor who wrote about a lot of menopausal women obstaining from sugar and avoiding it having all types of body difficulties and even said that sometimes avoiding sugar entirely was bad because our brains need sugar also to work properly.
| Littleness wrote: |
Let's get one thing clear to everyone who said that this friend did not insult the OP. the friend most certainly did insult her, because I do t know one woman who thinks "looking exactly her age" is ok. Not even the 25 year olds want to look their age! So adding on three years is most definitely not ok when we're all silently freaking about aging.
I'm 40, and I was with my friend and her kids one day last month. My friend is also 40 (who's been mistaken for 45 at times but she thinks she looks great) and her kids are 7 and 13 year old girls. We were at a restaurant and the guy behind the counter asked ME if they were my kids. I tried my hardest not to be completely insulted, because my friend actually looks nothing like her kids and I look way more like them (my friends kids are biracial and she's straight up white, where as I have olive skin and dark hair).
So I freaked out later that day and asked my friend if I looked old (weve been friends since college and she knows my freak outs too well) and of course she said "no you look great". Then I asked "do I look 40?" And she replied "well, you ARE 40". And she would not tell me that I did not look 40 lol. That made me so upset.
When everyone else I've literally ever met or run into or spoken with has never once guessed I was the age I was. I usually get anywhere from 28-34 tops.
So...my point here is this:
1. People are tactless
2. People are also stupid
3. People's opinions of what a certain age/weight looks like is based on their personal experience with it. For example, if someone asked a friend of asked Eva Longoria what 40 looks like, they'd have HER as a picture in their head.
4. I know very young people who look young who I thought were older simply bc of where they were in their life, how old their kids looked, how long they'd been with a certain position, etc (similar to what another poster replied earlier in this thread)
5. Weight, hair, clothes ABSOLUTELY can age someone. You can have an older looking face, but with shiny healthy hair and a young, fit, supple body, can most definitely pass for way younger.
6. Sugar is our enemy. And I'm saying this the morning after I ate a chocolate cup, a truffle, and a cupcake :/
Take heed, my friends, there is always always always hope. |
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Mon Jan 18, 2016 10:28 am |
Hi and thanks for your response. I am so sorry for your losses. I realize that can change a person, and their perspective on things.I appreciate you taking the time to point that out.
I simply couldn't help feeling insulted. But, there are other factors that come into play, at least for me. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at age 40. I am single, I live at home with my parents, and I completely squandered away my 20s and 30s with bad decisions and too much partying. I landed myself in rehab by age 35, however I am now 5 years sober So I realize that's something to be (very) happy about. I have my health back - as I nearly died in 2010.
However, looking around at my friends and people with whom I grew up, reality has hit me hard; I have no kids, no relationship, and I live like a teenager. There was even a few years I didn't have a drivers license and I had to be toted around by my parents.
So excuse me for taking things a bit personally, but I've kinda been through hell.
Anyway, I think all of us care to some degree about how we look. Otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum! I've seen many women in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are absolutely stunning. So I know it can be done, and I don't think I should have to succumb to the "oh well I'm just going to look old bc I AM old" rhetoric. We can all take preventative measures towards looking our best, and I see nothing wrong with that.
My mom constantly criticizes me for being concerned about my looks, and that's bc she just doesn't care! Now, she happens to look very good for her age (she's 68 and people mistake her for being in her 40s), but why should I not care about how I look just bc my mom does? Her youthfulness actually comes from her petite figure, for the most part. Her face doesn't look old per se, but it's not youthful skin. So that goes to show how there are other things that contribute to youthfulness besides skin. But I digress..
I'm just saying, there are people who are very very concerned about how they look, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We certainly can't tell people to "not care" about their looks and expect that to help them. We can't actually tell other people how to feel, ever. I'm not saying that's what you were doing, Theresa, as you were merely lending a perspective. So I thank you for that.
I'm just lending yet another perspective.
And I'm sure there's many other perspectives out there as well!
| TheresaMary wrote: |
Just to share a different view here. I’m a 60 plus and by plus I can honestly say I shudder every time I say it but I’m in my later 60s than early 60’s, and if or when people tell me I look exactly like my age – I am not offended. In fact I’m quite happy that I got this far LOL. The original poster may or may not have felt insulted by her friend, but her friend is one person entitled to their beliefs just like you or I are entitled to ours. However letting one persons idea of how old you are ruin your life is such a waste of energy. I was young once and used to freak over everything, and it took years worth of energy and probably aged me more than anything else. In fact looking at my children when they were younger – the boys wanted to be in their 20’s in their late teens, and my friends daughters were exactly the same so freaking out about aging is by far one of the easiest ways to age yourself than not age.
Now at 40 years young (and you are young at 40 – I’m at least 20 years older than you so can say that with certainty) as you say there were some things going on that day. The fact that their mother looks different than her kids isn’t such a big deal. Likewise the guy behind the counter looking at the kids and the looking at you and her – is it really such a big deal that he thought you looked similar to the kids and so by association might be their mom? You say you tried your hardest not to be completely insulted but whats the big deal here. They aren’t your kids, and he probably just did it by process of looking to see who looked similar to the kids.
The fact that you are freaking out about being or looking 40 is more to do with what 40 means to you. I know I had the mega thing about being 60, and it wasn’t until I lost a close friend that it put things into perspective for me. Plus in my late 50’s my hubby got cancer and I didn’t think he was going to make it. It really helps to put things into perspective when those things happen as you start to realise how precious life is.
I agree that weight, hair and clothes and even the way you move your body can age you for sure. I’ve seen women in their 50’s go up leaning on the stairs and then other women older than me literally jog up the stairs. I’m not yet a full jogger but I know that out of both examples, the one I prefer to be is the older woman. I’ve also noticed that the older women I know, all had a classical dance background and this is probably why their postures are so good and they move so gracefully.
Also I know a lot is written about sugar and how bad it is, but people also forget that our bodies actually need sugar. I remember reading an article in slimming world that actually had a doctor who wrote about a lot of menopausal women obstaining from sugar and avoiding it having all types of body difficulties and even said that sometimes avoiding sugar entirely was bad because our brains need sugar also to work properly.
| Littleness wrote: |
Let's get one thing clear to everyone who said that this friend did not insult the OP. the friend most certainly did insult her, because I do t know one woman who thinks "looking exactly her age" is ok. Not even the 25 year olds want to look their age! So adding on three years is most definitely not ok when we're all silently freaking about aging.
I'm 40, and I was with my friend and her kids one day last month. My friend is also 40 (who's been mistaken for 45 at times but she thinks she looks great) and her kids are 7 and 13 year old girls. We were at a restaurant and the guy behind the counter asked ME if they were my kids. I tried my hardest not to be completely insulted, because my friend actually looks nothing like her kids and I look way more like them (my friends kids are biracial and she's straight up white, where as I have olive skin and dark hair).
So I freaked out later that day and asked my friend if I looked old (weve been friends since college and she knows my freak outs too well) and of course she said "no you look great". Then I asked "do I look 40?" And she replied "well, you ARE 40". And she would not tell me that I did not look 40 lol. That made me so upset.
When everyone else I've literally ever met or run into or spoken with has never once guessed I was the age I was. I usually get anywhere from 28-34 tops.
So...my point here is this:
1. People are tactless
2. People are also stupid
3. People's opinions of what a certain age/weight looks like is based on their personal experience with it. For example, if someone asked a friend of asked Eva Longoria what 40 looks like, they'd have HER as a picture in their head.
4. I know very young people who look young who I thought were older simply bc of where they were in their life, how old their kids looked, how long they'd been with a certain position, etc (similar to what another poster replied earlier in this thread)
5. Weight, hair, clothes ABSOLUTELY can age someone. You can have an older looking face, but with shiny healthy hair and a young, fit, supple body, can most definitely pass for way younger.
6. Sugar is our enemy. And I'm saying this the morning after I ate a chocolate cup, a truffle, and a cupcake :/
Take heed, my friends, there is always always always hope. |
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Tue Jan 19, 2016 8:55 am |
You know what that is wonderful that you are 5 years sober. Well done you because I know it is hard going. In many ways getting yourself into rehab was such a smart move. Many people ignore the problem until they hit their later years and then it feels even harder to give things up. Now you say you have no kids, no relationship like that’s a bad thing. It may be to some people but you know I am a big believer in things happening for a reason. Don’t worry about taking things personally – we all do it but you got to recognize you are smarter and bigger than letting a few mistakes ruin the rest of your life. You are not dead yet – far from it and the real power is in the present moment and everything you have been through has got you to here.
Sure we all care to some degree about how we look. We get hit from every way and angle growing up that looks count and they do to some degree, but there is a dangerous cycle that I have seen many people get into and I have been there myself where we over criticize and over obsess about our looks and it starts to destroy our lives and our living. That’s not what I want for you or anyone else. There is nothing wrong with taking preventative measures but if you are using these to overly criticize yourself and others then it can start to show you that there is a problem in place that maybe speaking with a counsellor can get you some help and ease with. It is no biggie now adays and even celebs do it.
Now your mom probably does at some level care. But she probably also recognizes that this is an issue for you and is doing her best to help you with what she knows. There is nothing wrong with beign concerned or taking preventative measures but that is different. I’m not telling you “not to care about your looks” but instead get a different perspective on this because it is a trap we have all fallen into and gotten nowhere fast doing so. If I can save you or anyone from going there I think that’s pretty awesome. Like many women in my 60’s – I used to used to spend hours obsessing over my looks and it didn’t help me or my life at all. In fact it was like a stick I used to beat myself up about all the time, and I see so many youngsters doing this – even pretty, attractive young girls of 20-30 doing so. It is such a waste of energy. I know I was chatting with some friends my age over the weekend and we were laughing about how much time and energy we wasted over this. So if I can save you and any one else that time and energy waste then that’s great.
| Littleness wrote: |
Hi and thanks for your response. I am so sorry for your losses. I realize that can change a person, and their perspective on things.I appreciate you taking the time to point that out.
I simply couldn't help feeling insulted. But, there are other factors that come into play, at least for me. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be at age 40. I am single, I live at home with my parents, and I completely squandered away my 20s and 30s with bad decisions and too much partying. I landed myself in rehab by age 35, however I am now 5 years sober So I realize that's something to be (very) happy about. I have my health back - as I nearly died in 2010.
However, looking around at my friends and people with whom I grew up, reality has hit me hard; I have no kids, no relationship, and I live like a teenager. There was even a few years I didn't have a drivers license and I had to be toted around by my parents.
So excuse me for taking things a bit personally, but I've kinda been through hell.
Anyway, I think all of us care to some degree about how we look. Otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum! I've seen many women in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are absolutely stunning. So I know it can be done, and I don't think I should have to succumb to the "oh well I'm just going to look old bc I AM old" rhetoric. We can all take preventative measures towards looking our best, and I see nothing wrong with that.
My mom constantly criticizes me for being concerned about my looks, and that's bc she just doesn't care! Now, she happens to look very good for her age (she's 68 and people mistake her for being in her 40s), but why should I not care about how I look just bc my mom does? Her youthfulness actually comes from her petite figure, for the most part. Her face doesn't look old per se, but it's not youthful skin. So that goes to show how there are other things that contribute to youthfulness besides skin. But I digress..
I'm just saying, there are people who are very very concerned about how they look, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We certainly can't tell people to "not care" about their looks and expect that to help them. We can't actually tell other people how to feel, ever. I'm not saying that's what you were doing, Theresa, as you were merely lending a perspective. So I thank you for that.
I'm just lending yet another perspective.
And I'm sure there's many other perspectives out there as well!
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| Thu Apr 25, 2024 12:51 am |
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