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Tue Jun 28, 2005 3:02 pm  |
Hi, guys!
I need an opinion from anybody who;s been in my situation, pleeease!
I've been seeing this guy for about 8 mths now, I've completely fell for him and he is crazy about me. This sounds wonderfull, doesn't it? We've decided to move in together, but...why is it always a "but"?? Anyway, he's been married before and has 2 young children. when we move in together he wants us to have the children for a couple of days per week. This is where my problem comes. i haven't met the children, but I am very teritorial and jealous, I am worried of how I'll be with them and if I'll be able to cope with them, I don;t see them as his children, but his ex's kidds. i told him how I feel, I wanted to break up with him because of it, but he cried and said he can't believe it we ruining the chances of our lives because of this, he's flexible in working around them, he's even said we'l only have them one day per week and he'll go to his mum with the kidds another evening to spend time.
It sounds selfish, but why wouldn't I be? If I don;t look after myself, who else will?
I really appreicate your thoughts on this. How did/do you cope if you are in a similar situation? Is it really that difficult?
Thanks
July |
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Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:20 pm |
| I think that you have to change your frame of mind. You need to realize that they are just kids caught in a bad situation. They are NOT an extention of his ex. You should also realize by pushing his children away, you will be pushing him away...he will eventually resent you for it, no matter what he says now. |
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Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:54 pm |
Hmmmmm...I don't think the problem is the kids...I think the problem is your admitted territorial, jealous disposition when it comes to your boyfriend.....The notion of children might not be so overwhelming and upsetting if you didn't have this jealous, territorial streak....Maybe you should look at exploring ways to increase your confidence as it relates to your boyfriend...if you do that, then perhaps the notion of the kids won't be so upsetting for you.....Does he intentionally do things to make you feel insecure or jealous? Have you been hurt in the past? Love and recognize your own self-worth and you will probably feel less anxious about influences that are external or parallel to your relationship... If you think all of the stuff I've just written is rubbish then accept my apology  and just give the guy a gentle heave-ho.....it would be cruel to interfere with his relationship with his children....or worse yet, put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between you and them (yikes!) If the notion of the kids is just impossible for you to consider then let him go..
Good Luck!
Pudoodles |
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Tue Jun 28, 2005 8:36 pm |
A bond between a parent and child is very strong (as it should be). If you feel that you can't deal with your boyfriends children it would be best (IMO) to end the relationship.
I hope that you can work this out as you say you really love him. If you can overcome your jealous, territorial streak you might find, over time, you could become very attached to his children. Sounds like whether you stay with him or break up this is an issue that you need to address.
Just know that his children will not go away. If your boyfriend abandons them would you respect him?
Tough situation...good luck to you. |
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Tue Jun 28, 2005 10:01 pm |
I'd say meet the kids and spend some time with him and the kids, interact with them and all that before making any moving plans. If you can't handle the situation after that don't move in with him.
If it were me and it came down to having to pick between me or the kids I personally couldn't be with a man who'd shut out his kids...
I suggest giving the kids a chance, just know that they will come before you....and it shouldn't be any other way. |
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Combination - dehyrdated, acne, sensitive, late 20's. |
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Wed Jun 29, 2005 6:13 pm |
I'm sorry but if you're not willing to make those kids really part of your family you need to break up now. If you're not ready for kids now that is fine but disrupting an existing family will make everybody miserable including you even if you "win" in the short run.
One of my good friends at work is divorced and the main care giver for their daughter. He has broken relationships because of the stress on his daughter. On the other hand my husband's parents are divorced. His fathers second wife was great she got his father to spend more time with the boys than his mom did. We are still close and going to ther youngest's wedding next week. She made it a win-win situation. She has more family who care for her and my dd has another grandma.
You have to want to make it work but it can be just great. |
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Wed Jun 29, 2005 8:07 pm |
| I think this is the universe telling you to get out and wait until those kids are out of the house (if you're willing to wait). Honestly, these poor kids. And no you're not being selfish; you're thinking of WHATS RIGHT to do and keeping your emotions out of it. I'm very sorry to say, but why is your boyfriend dating anyway??? His first priority should be raising his children, not moving in with you. I know you'll make the right decision. ALWAYS trust your intuition. |
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Thu Jun 30, 2005 3:01 pm |
having been a stepchild with an absolutely wonderful stepfather who brought me up from the age of 7 and who loves me as much as he loves his son who is my 1/2 brother, I would say that these relationships can work and be very rewarding for all involved.Even though he and my mum recently divorced I actually see more of him than I do her.
On the other side my father (sperm donor as I fondly call him) remarried when I was about 12 and his wife hated me from the moment she first met me and after years of trying to keep a relationship going at 20 I decided that I would stop calling them and they could call me, well 23 years later and the phone still has not rung.
I think if you are not happy with trying to accept his children and try to love them you should finish with him. Children are a lifetime commitment and you are doing yourself and him and them a disservice if you are unhappy. |
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50, happy reluma user started 16.6.12 original formula. PMD user. started LouLou's ageless regime. |
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Fri Jul 01, 2005 3:46 pm |
this is a great place
http://www.secondwivesclub.com/
july i'm like you. territorial jealous see th ekids as the ex kids who the ex uses frequently against me , to make a play for him
it requires stamina to see you through coz people only care about the kids more than adults feeling
i say overtime you realise, it aint so bad
sort of like hey you love your parent syou love your man, the love is different, can't compare.
and also....
you need your MAN to show you you are no.1 and not make you jealous and try to help with what you feel
coz when you are no.1 you will start to feel for his kid sand want the best for his kids instead of competing with them and it works out all for everyone! |
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Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:02 pm |
| I agree that kids should always come first, I would never want to be in a position where I had to come between a father and his children. I would probably be jealous too....but I know myself too well and would never date a guy with kids. I've seen too many situations end up very badly. |
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Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:22 pm |
| I am a single divorced mom of 2 girls ,when I met my BF 2 1/2 yrs ago it was the FIRST thing I told him .. and I have to admit I was petrified on how this was going to work My life Is hectic and very full between working and taking care of the house and kids..I was afraid I wouldnt have time for him Let me tell you this guy is the most supportive person ever ..He now lives with us and NEVER has he made me feel like I need to choose between any of them he helps me financially and emotionally with them and has grown to love them . They have a realtionship with there dad who they love .. I have to say that your situation is not good for the kids , they will all resent you in the future,If my BF diddnt accept my children I would never have persued it.It wasnt the easiest thing at first,, but he knew from the beginning that my kids are everything to me and he would never want to come between that and I would never let that happen, now both my girls Love him for what he has added to there lives. Maybe you should try and think about it as his children are more people for you to love...think about it.. Best of luck !!!! |
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Fri Jul 01, 2005 9:14 pm |
| As a former step-daughter to a step-mom who was jealous and territorial, run don't walk from this situation if you aren't even willing to try to get to know the kids. I don't understand why a man would want to move in with someone who hasn't even met his kids for that matter. |
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V2J 6P7 |
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