Missing DH :-(
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free skin care · Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:37 pm

Have you missed anyone so much you cannot breathe?

I lost DH in May to lung cancer and though I'm doing okay there have been times I simply couldn't help missing him. I am lucky to have my family around me - my parents are just 5 minutes away - and they have been superbly supportive, I don't know what I'd have done without them. My kids keep me strong, too, but it's heartbreaking to have your four-yr-old asking your help with the telephone because he wants to speak with his dad, and his dad is 6 feet under! We used to ring up his father every night he was in the hospital to have good-night-daddy-i-miss-you-please-get-well-soon kind of chats, and he obviously thought he could do that although I did take him (and his 2-year-old brother) to see the burial (so there'd be no lying or beating around the bush, it's straight 'your father is dead' kind of thing). He is beginning to understand it all now, I think.

I will never forget how DH looked at me for the last time as if to say goodbye right before he drew his last breath. I know DH is in a better place. I just can't help missing him. Sad

free skin care · Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:04 pm

I have never lost someone that close to me, but I wanted to express my condolences on the loss of your husband. Please know I am praying for your peace and comfort so the days ahead become more bearable for you and your children.

-Cheri

free skin care · Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:36 pm

I am so sorry -- losing a spouse has got to be one of the most painful things a person ever goes through. Thank God you have your children and parents to console and support you, and know that emotional pain always fades a little more with each passing day...

free skin care · Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:40 pm

I lost someone very close to me once, but I cannot even imagine how YOU feel. Grief is such a personal thing. You will always miss him, and there will always be a part of you that's missing and that will never change. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

But what I can tell you is that with time (a long time), it will start to hurt less & less. I wish I could give you a pep-talk & tell you it will be alright, but we both know better. All I can say is be grateful for the love & support of your friends & family & cherish every moment. You have my deepest sympathies & my thoughts & prayers are with you as well.

free skin care · Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:01 pm

Dear pumpingmummy - I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm sure with the holiday season upon us and the tradition of family get-togethers, this must be a very difficult time for you. I think when we lose someone we love and with whom we've shared so much, a part of us dies with them. We don't want to feel wrenching grief every minute of the day, but on the other hand, we don't want to forget a single thing about them -- we want to honor them by remembering. But memories can be so very painful. We may feel as though we're betraying them if we stop remembering. How can we let go of someone so dear to us, if letting go is part of the healing process?

My mother passed away on September 20th. She lived with us these last 20 years. Fortunately, we brought her home in the end with the help of Hospice. But I was a wreck when she was gone. When I laundered her nightgowns afterwards, picturing my sweet mother in them was more than I could bear.

You're probably reminded of your husband over and over when you look around your home, or into your childrens' eyes, or just think of the times you spent together. Our loved ones may be at peace, finally, but we're not. There's a painful void inside that can't be filled -- who/what can ever take their place?

In waking life, we want to believe it was all a terrible nightmare and we'll turn around and they'll be there again. In sleep, they indeed come back to life until our minds convulse and we awaken feeling a deep, terrible sorrow.

A dear friend recently gave me Joan Didion's book "The Year of Magical Thinking", and I happened to see her that very evening on the Charlie Rose show. It's about the loss of her beloved husband, but I haven't had the courage to read it yet. On the talk show, she said her mind played tricks on her -- she spent time trying to think of ways to bring him back, but she knew eventually she had to let him go.

I'm dining with my dear friend and her husband this weekend and I've vowed to at least begin the book. It's gotten rave reviews. I'll let you know if it's helpful.

One thing I know is this: while not observantly religious in my adulthood, I never before felt the Hand of God like I did this past summer. I could see His plan (eventually) with each change in my mother's condition. I felt blessed that things turned out the way they did -- it was simply uncanny at times. And I hope and pray we'll be together again in that better place. Believing this is the only comfort right now. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. I wish there were something I could say or do to make things better for you.

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 10:09 am

I am so sorry for you deep and great loss expecially this time of year. Its hard. I lost my husband 4 years ago Iam 46 now he was killed by a drunk driver (himself) Iam angry at him and sad all at the same time. We have 1 son 17 almost 18 and although he misses his dad he know God called him home. The positive side to this is that I met and married a wonderful man 2 years ago Christmas Eve. So it may seem terrible now it does ease with time. Trust me not a day goes by that I don't think about Jeff we were high school sweethearts. But the moral of the story is PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE-AND HE WAS ATTENDING A US NAVY FUNCTION AT THE TIME. Sad

DALE

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 10:37 am

It does get better with time, pumpingmummy. I know that sounds trite, but it's really true, even if it feels as though the world has come to an end for what seems like an impossibly long time.

What I always do is to keep on thinking about that light at the end of the tunnel, when your grief won't beso raw any more and you'll feel you can cope again. You will get there, but I know it's hard in the meantime.

I'm also very glad you were honest with your little ones. They're more perceptive than most people realise and it's good for them to be able to talk about the way they feel and their fears. I lost two people who were very dear to me when I was aged 3 and then at the age of 5. Everyone kept silent to me about it and I carried the pain with me for many, many years. In fact, I still have very vivid memories of it all. You've certainly done the right thing for your children. They and you will surely help to pull each other through this.

Take care. My heart goes out to you.

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:28 am

I too am so sorry for you loss and can't even begin to imagine how you feel. You have been a member of the forum for a while now and seem to be a super nice person based on your posts. My point is I would have never guessed you suffered such personal tradgedy and commend you for your strength.

Sherri

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:31 pm

I remember reading a book on aura's years ago and it mentioned about how when you are in a relationship your auras mingle so you both become as one. It went on to explain that when you lose your partner in life you lose some of your aura too and it takes a while for it to heal.
In time it will become easier and if ytou ever want to talk we are all here Smile

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:58 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Make sure you talk about it. I've never been in your situation but I had many miscarriages some late term. I did not talk about it much people get embarassed and didn't see the loss as real. That really hurt I have a dd now but I should have adopted and had more.

Talk about your husband to your friends and kids. Make a scrapbook of fun times together that the kids can look at when they are older. Cry together.

Sending you prayers for peace of mind.

P.S. The book "the Year of Magical Thinking" is great but give it nine months to a year before you read it.

free skin care · Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:41 pm

Thank you all for your kind words

People have said what Sherri did, that they wouldn't have guessed what I've just been through because I'm generally a cheerful person. I think it drains you out to be unhappy all the time, and I can't afford to be ill (or unattractive!) because I have my children who depend on me!

I kind of regret posting this though, because it seems to have made people sad, it sure did me! I cried as I was writing it, and cried again reading all your replies. I'm sorry if I spolied anyone's day, I was just missing him so much you have no idea!

I am fine, I know in time and with the support of my family and friends (including you wonderful people!

) the pain will disappear. It's just that sometimes these tears are so stubborn they still want to run down my cheeks and make my eyes all puffy (and undo all the work I've been doing trying to lose the puffiness and fine lines... Rolling Eyes

)

Thank you once again, I wish you all love and happiness, and resilience for getting back up when calamity hits you, as it definitely will at one point in our lives or another.

and p/s, if you smoke, QUIT it. Shame on you

free skin care · Wed Dec 07, 2005 3:05 am

Pumpingmummy we are all trying to get my father in law to quit smoking, the problem is he doesn't want to!!!
My mother in law came home from work and was upset, one of her collegues just found out he has lung Cancer, he smoked for years and quit a year ago. So naturally it really scared her and we put it to my father in law. Typical addict he says 'yes but he wasn't smoking when he got ill'!!!
He goes deaf whenever anyone brings the subject up. and can think of all sorts of justifications and good reasons for not quiting.

Anyway you didn't spoil our day at all, it's touching that you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with us all
Very Happy

free skin care · Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:00 am

While you have not left my thoughts since reading your post you certainly never spoiled my day. I think you gave us all a reminder to be thankful for the loved ones we have with us.

You are also a great example of the fact that we all have an inner strength and can get through any tradgedy life deals us.
I think you are very brave and once again commend you for your positive attitude. I also think it is important for you to talk about your loss and to let the tears flow when you feel the need. It is all part of the healing process . I am not the best with words but my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Sherri

free skin care · Sat Dec 10, 2005 2:06 pm

It's good you wrote. It's helpful for all of us to take stock of what's important once in a while. Writing and talking about your pain is good for all of us. As I said before I should have done more talking earlier.

Wishing you peace.

P.S. My Dh's dad died young of lung cancer his mom died this year of emphysema after years of pain and oxygen tanks. My 7yo really misses her. Cigarettes are awful but it's so hard for people to stop.

free skin care · Sat Dec 10, 2005 11:52 pm

Well, my husband and I had dinner this evening with our friends, but I took sharky's advice -- I haven't started reading "The Year of Magical Thinking" yet. While I'm not ashamed to express my grief on this forum (much easier than talking face-to-face with people), and can't always control my tears -- like you pumpingmummy -- I simply can't allow myself to wallow in sadness all of the time. Ditto about the puffy eyes!!! I've always believed that vanity (in moderation) can be very useful and healthful Wink

I'm afraid that reading the book this soon will reopen wounds that are just beginning to heal a little. I'd rather watch "Napoleon Dynamite" for the tenth time Laughing

This forum is so great -- what a wonderful group of kind, sensitive and helpful people -- another of life's blessings.

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