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Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:09 am  |
Skippie,
That was hilarious! Thanks!  |
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50 Is definitely NOT nifty!! |
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Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:53 pm |
| kims wrote: |
Skippie,
That was hilarious! Thanks! |
Hilarious and so true. It's a wonder we can make it through the day.  |
_________________
Early 40's, fair skin, green eyes, rosacea, ocassional break-outs, dk. circles, sun damage. AALS, DermaWand, Safetox! |
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Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:19 am |
| It's even more hilarious, kims and songbird, if you receive it through e-mail as I did. |
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Wed Mar 17, 2010 10:12 am |
| Thanks for the laugh Skippie. So funny and so true. |
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Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:59 am |
A very drunken man goes to a whore house. He approaches the girl at the front desk and asks, slurring his words, if he can have a nice time with a sweet lady. The girl looks at him doubtfully and asks if he has any money. In reply the drunken man pull five dollars, a button and some gum out of his pocket.The girl asks him to wait and then goes to the back to talk to the madam. "Well" says the madam "if he is really that drunk, take his money and then go put the blow-up doll in room number four. He will never know the difference." The girl goes back to the man, takes his money (not the button though) and leaves him waiting while she sets up the blow-up doll. Then she leads him to the room and wishes him a good night. A few minutes later terrible screams startle the girl and madam, who rush in to the hallway, only to be met by the drunk who is sobbing and screaming alternately.
"Whats wrong what wrong?" asks the madam, trying to calm the terrified man. "Oh it was awful" he cries "I went in to the room and saw the most beautiful woman in the world! I went and sat down and we started to talk, you know, getting to know each other. She was so nice. After a few moments, I decided to try and heat things up, so I snuggled up to her and nibbled on her earlobe.
Then she farted and flew out the window!" |
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Tue Apr 06, 2010 6:29 pm |
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal Health Plan.
Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-holes in Washington. |
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Sat Apr 10, 2010 4:57 pm |
Hope this one hasn't been posted already. Received this from a friend.
Subject: Tree Hugger
A woman from Los Angeles, CA, who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA! |
_________________
The best way to locate your cat is to open a can of food. |
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Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:07 am |
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant..
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?" |
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Thu May 27, 2010 3:12 pm |
Get Ready to laugh or shake your
head.
Hospital Chart Bloopers
Actual
writings!
1.
The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history
of suicides.
3.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here-recovering from
forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by
mistake.
5.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
6.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
7.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed
since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
10.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes
down.
13. While in ER, she was examined,
x-rated and sent home.
14.
The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent
headaches.
16.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a
normal size thyroid.
18.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a
divorce.
19.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal
lover function.
22.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
23. Patient has two teenage children,
but no other abnormalities. |
_________________
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Thu May 27, 2010 3:29 pm |
Best Headlines of 2007...
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they big enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
The Worst Slogan Translations Ever...
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
 When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious ------------ magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth. |
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I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Thu May 27, 2010 3:56 pm |
Do you think the woman in this snopes story wrote some of those???
http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp
The ending is not actually true... but it's one of those... I felt like saying... moments... |
_________________
Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Fri May 28, 2010 5:48 am |
Subject: 3 wishes
Someday My Prince Will Come...
After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me." |
_________________
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Fri May 28, 2010 5:01 pm |
| LOL, DM. That was cute. I hope she treated that cat well other than neutering him!! |
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Fri May 28, 2010 5:20 pm |
| rileygirl wrote: |
| LOL, DM. That was cute. I hope she treated that cat well other than neutering him!! |
LOL So much for thinking before making that third wish!  |
_________________
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Sat May 29, 2010 5:12 am |
Brain Cramps-NOW THIS IS SCARY]
BRAIN CRAMPS:
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected
as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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" I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
--Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night
as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the
night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet? |
_________________
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Mon Jun 07, 2010 5:23 pm |
I SOOOOOOO THOUGHT of all of you when I opened this in my e-mail today:
was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked..
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't y our husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.' |
_________________
Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:08 pm |
A quickie thanks to my daughter.
***
There was once an incredible punster whose puns invariably evoked loud groans. Even the most jaded listeners -- those hardened by exposure to thousands of puns -- could not help but react with comments such as "that was the worst/best pun I have ever heard!"
One day, there was an international pun contest, and our punster entered. Taking no chances, the punster submitted not one, not two, but ten world-class killer puns. Ten puns!
Alas, not one of those puns was apparently dreadful enough to win the contest. No pun in ten did. |
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Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:51 pm |
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running." |
_________________
Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:06 pm |
| That's a great one Claudia! |
_________________
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:11 pm |
Ok... I've gotten this one several times. But It makes me laugh every time... Kids...
WHEN TO START CUSSING!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom puts him in his room and shouts, "You can stay here until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" |
_________________
Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:39 am |
| Brilliant! |
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Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:13 pm |
FIRST TIME SEX (It’s clean and funny).
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy; it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.. 10 minutes pass,
and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The
boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' |
_________________
The best way to locate your cat is to open a can of food. |
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Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:55 pm |
| OK... That's might be my favorite! |
_________________
Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:14 am |
| Hilarious, Frodo!! |
_________________
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -Albert Einstein |
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