Please Help - Relationship Question! Hurt and confused...
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free skin care · Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:28 pm

I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience.

I personally would break up with him, because my self-esteem would be very hurt by this. His looking at other chicks would make me assume that I wasn't enough for him. Believe me, there are guys out there who DON'T look at this stuff, who don't feel like they NEED to look at this stuff. I've only dated one guy who behaved that way, and let me tell you, I ended things real quick with him.

I know most people say that it's natural and whatnot, but I don't think it is, really. I think it's our society's fault for saying that it's OK for guys to behave this way. It's the really awesome guys who realize that they don't have to bow to society, and who can just be themselves without feeling pressured to look at naked chicks. Mad

I feel very strongly about this topic. I too am an idealist in the relationship department, I too have very high standards. I feel that looking at naked women is a form of being unfaithful. I know that most other people don't think so, but I have to go by my own experience. Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh. I just know that I personally couldn't deal with my guy doing something like that.

free skin care · Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:58 am

Red Devil wrote:

I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience.

I totally agree with this. I think it's horrible how some women simply accept this habit as "part of being a guy." I mean no disrespect to the other ladies in this thread- if you can put up with it, then you deserve medals Laughing

As for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would make tracks fast. I was always uninterested in guys who focused their sexuality by objectifying women- it just seems a bit immature, to me. When my boyfriend and I become involved romantically (after being friends) last summer, he actually collected all the ------------ magazines he had and set them out for the garbage. I didn't know this until recently, and I was shocked and proud of him, haha. After knowing that he spent a good portion of his teen and youth years being interested in magazine pullouts, him throwing away his stash was a pretty damn good way of telling me that I will be the only girl within reach when it comes to that sort of stuff Very Happy

free skin care · Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:59 pm

Thanks, Bira Wink

I hope things work out on your end, if you choose to be okay with that sort of stuff or not. Some women accept it as normal, and others can't. We're all different, so good luck.

free skin care · Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:15 pm

FrevaKZ wrote:

Red Devil wrote:

I don't think most guys are that way. I think INSECURE guys are that way. That's just been my personal experience.

Freva, I totally agree with you. I think it's horrible how some women simply accept this habit as "part of being a guy." I mean no disrespect to the other ladies in this thread- if you can put up with it, then you deserve medals Laughing

As for me, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and would make tracks fast. I was always uninterested in guys who focused their sexuality by objectifying women- it just seems a bit immature, to me. When my boyfriend and I become involved romantically (after being friends) last summer, he actually collected all the ------------ magazines he had and set them out for the garbage. I didn't know this until recently, and I was shocked and proud of him, haha. After knowing that he spent a good portion of his teen and youth years being interested in magazine pullouts, him throwing away his stash was a pretty damn good way of telling me that I will be the only girl within reach when it comes to that sort of stuff Very Happy

I am totally with you here, Freva. And I also mean zero disrespect to anyone here, because I know that opinions will always differ, and that's what makes the world go round. Smile

It always bugs me how society says that it's "perfectly natural" for guys to act like immature pigs! Mad

It is complete bull**** in my opinion. It's just a way for society to expect women to be perfect and pure, and to expect guys to be about to do whatever the hell they want, with zero accountability! Again, I speak from personal experience when I say that not all guys are like that. I really cannot stress that enough.

Bira, you are completely within your right to feel hurt by his actions. I understand that it's OK to look at a person and say that they are pretty, much like you would look at pretty flowers or paintings and whatnot. What's NOT OK is looking at naked women (or men!) and lusting for them. I feel that is a form of unfaithfulness.

I pray that you are able to sort this out. Just from reading your comments, you sound like a lovely, caring person. I am sure that, if you can't work it out with your guy, you will find someone who meets and exceeds your standards. I know that I did! Smile

*hugs*

free skin care · Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:27 pm

Diana P wrote:

Bira wrote:

Hi Freva, I'm one of those who can't accept it, so I will need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with him. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and still gives me compliments even when we're 80 years old. I always like to look at elderly couples who take care of each other and their love for each other is clear for anyone to see. I want to be like them.

I would rather my husband show me how much he loves me, rather than be upset that he doesn't compliment me. I don't remember the last time he complimented me, but he shows me in other ways how much he loves me. He watches the baby every night when he gets home from work so that I can relax in the tub, he gets up early on the weekends with the baby so that I can sleep in even though I know he would like to sleep in. He shows me in a lot of ways how much he cares, that I don't even notice that he doesn't give me constant compliments. I think it shows that we have a secure, strong relationship that we don't have to constantly reassure each other of our feelings.

Hey Diana - I hear what you're saying and understand your position completely, but the reality is you are in a marriage that has established itself over 14 years and not a dating relationship that has only existed for a mere 24 months. I know that I would personally notice the lack of compliments from my boyfriend if they were far and few so early on in the relationship. This has nothing to do with feeling insecure either, rather, is has everything to do with my concept of love and sharing and romance. I strongly believe that people thrive when they are verbally reminded of how wonderful and loved they are and that we should never assume the person we care for 'knows this' simply because our behavior is favorable as a parent or husband. Actions do speak loudly, no doubt, but so do words. I happen to be the type of person who needs both in order to be my happiest. I give an awful lot to those I love both verbally and with my actions and do not feel that I should settle for less in exchange or stop complimenting simply because a lot of time has passed while we've been together. The old adage, "familiarity breeds contempt" always springs to mind whenever I witness this type of situation manifest in other couples I am associated with (you would be surprised to discover how may MEN want to hear that THEY are still handsome & appreciated - LOL!!!). I often wonder if this is why so many extra-marital affairs begin in the first place...there are A LOT of men and women who need that verbal exchange just to enforce that they're still desirable or number one!

free skin care · Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:48 pm

alice~in~wonderland wrote:

violetanne wrote:

He does not tell the pictures on his computer that he loves them.

This is a great quote! Made me laugh out loud trying to picture that!

Funny, but I didn't have such a hard time envisioning this at all. There are plenty of p*orn-addicted men out there who have no qualms about telling the naked image on their computer screen that they'd "love" to **** them. This is a common part of the sexual fantasy world that some men live in - they do in fact get 'verbal' with their computers and they also establish love connections with images they lock onto online - Shock

. I am extremely surprised at the number of women who like to believe that men engage in the behavior of ogling naked women or collect p*ornographic material because this is simply what they 'do' as the male species!?! I personally know plenty of men who DO NOT engage in the need to objectify women's 'parts' as a staple in their sexual diet or lifestyle, and who admit that this type of behavior would be hurtful to the one they loved if they were in a committed relationship.

Heterosexual men will naturally 'look & react' at a naked woman if she suddenly appears in a movie the same way I would! Just tonight my honey got caught up about the nipples he could see through a t-shirt in a movie we were watching. Was it obvious that this was stimulating to him, yes it was! Did he hide his thoughts from me, absolutely not! He knew that he could ogle and ponder about that image all he wanted because it appeared 'innocently' and because we have an extremely open and honest relationship that has been built upon trust and respect. I have never once felt offended by his sexual reactions to other women, onscreen or off, because he would never do or say anything to make me feel that way. His natural response to situations that involve scantily-clad women are 'natural' and not artificially invoked like men who continue to view p*ornographic material as a 'hobby'.

Call me idealistic, but there is no way in hell I would ever marry a man who downloads naked women or their parts and contains these images in a folder on his computer. This is just too deviant for my taste and not something I would ever accept as 'acceptable' in my relationship.

free skin care · Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:24 am

ScotsLass wrote:

Diana P wrote:

Bira wrote:

Hi Freva, I'm one of those who can't accept it, so I will need to get to the bottom of what's really going on with him. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and still gives me compliments even when we're 80 years old. I always like to look at elderly couples who take care of each other and their love for each other is clear for anyone to see. I want to be like them.

I would rather my husband show me how much he loves me, rather than be upset that he doesn't compliment me. I don't remember the last time he complimented me, but he shows me in other ways how much he loves me. He watches the baby every night when he gets home from work so that I can relax in the tub, he gets up early on the weekends with the baby so that I can sleep in even though I know he would like to sleep in. He shows me in a lot of ways how much he cares, that I don't even notice that he doesn't give me constant compliments. I think it shows that we have a secure, strong relationship that we don't have to constantly reassure each other of our feelings.

Hey Diana - I hear what you're saying and understand your position completely, but the reality is you are in a marriage that has established itself over 14 years and not a dating relationship that has only existed for a mere 24 months. I know that I would personally notice the lack of compliments from my boyfriend if they were far and few so early on in the relationship. This has nothing to do with feeling insecure either, rather, is has everything to do with my concept of love and sharing and romance. I strongly believe that people thrive when they are verbally reminded of how wonderful and loved they are and that we should never assume the person we care for 'knows this' simply because our behavior is favorable as a parent or husband. Actions do speak loudly, no doubt, but so do words. I happen to be the type of person who needs both in order to be my happiest. I give an awful lot to those I love both verbally and with my actions and do not feel that I should settle for less in exchange or stop complimenting simply because a lot of time has passed while we've been together. The old adage, "familiarity breeds contempt" always springs to mind whenever I witness this type of situation manifest in other couples I am associated with (you would be surprised to discover how may MEN want to hear that THEY are still handsome & appreciated - LOL!!!). I often wonder if this is why so many extra-marital affairs begin in the first place...there are A LOT of men and women who need that verbal exchange just to enforce that they're still desirable or number one!

You make a really good point here, that compliments in a relationship go both ways. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't compliment my DH very often. I bet if I made an effort every now and then, it will remind him to do the same in return. Smile

free skin care · Sat Jul 07, 2007 10:55 am

I don't mean to offend anyone but here's my take on it. I'll probably tick a lot of people off in the process but here goes....

I've only been married six years, but I feel that the view that marriage is infallible and has to be forever is not true. Nor do I think that one person can be EVERYTHING to another. I don't fulfill my husband in every single way possible. I'm not perfect. Nor does he do that for me. But we deal with it and roll with the punches. No relationship is lollypops and rainbows forever. Just as people are fallible and imperfect, so are the relationships we create. I don't know if we'll be that 80 year old couple holding hands walking in the park. I can't tell the future. But stats show that this particular couple is on marriage two, three or four!!!

Men are more visual...just because my husband looks at picture or something does not mean he wants another woman or that I'm not good enough. Women are emotional, we all know that. I know there are guys out there that don't look at photos and the like. I also know there are women out there that would love to think their guy would NEVER do that but what they do when you are gone might surprise you! My friend is getting married and she tells everyone about how her fiance is completely dedicated, so dedicated he never has looked at any of that stuff as long as they have been together. Boy wouldn't she be surprised. I thought the same thing about my husband when we first started dating. Not HIM. And then I found out he had and still did occasionally (before we were married). Yeah it bothered me and I told him so. I realized that I was jealous of those women not because they got his attention but I was more jealous of the way they looked. I'd love to have a killer body like them, so I started comparing myself to them. I was upfront and honest with my husband about it and he told me that it was silly to compare myself to models and the like because I was so much more beautiful than they ever could be. It's just a physical thing. I don't want sex everyday...he does. Eh. Go take care of yourself then honey!!! I really don't feel like it! I can't expect him to follow my own natural sexual wants and fall in line with my own schedule. We're different. If I don't want it, I can't expect him to just deal with it because I don't want to do it. That's not fair at all.

I got a big dose of reality almost two years into my marriage (too long of a story to tell but it has nothing to do with cheating) and I now believe that there are much more important things to worry about than whether or not my DH looks at a Maxim every once in a while. Heck I read it sometimes too!
There is no difference between Cosmo printing a photo of some hot guy in a bathing suit and a girl on the cover of Maxim. When looking at Allure or Cosmo I might think "wow he's hot." Does that mean I'm not being faithful to my husband? I'd best not look at any guy I think is attractive when I walk down the street if that is the case.

I think marriage is for an indefinite amount of time. It may be until you die, it might not be. That's life. You don't plan on getting divorced, but all the "it's forever and a day!" type thing is rather too idealistic. It puts too much pressure on both partners to be perfect. That pressure to be perfect puts a huge strain on the relationship and can be catastrophic when something goes wrong. Once I realized that this isn't a forever deal, I came to accept the things that bothered me so much about our relationship before. There are things about your significant other that bug the heck out of you but you deal. There are things that bug them about you but they deal.

I agree with what others have said, the fact that he's not being intimate is what needs to be addressed.
The photos might be a symptom of a problem...not the problem itself. Once guys shut off physically, there is something wrong...BELIEVE ME. You need to go after what he's feeling about that...talk to him about it. If you aren't having sex when you used to...and he's not into it...that should be the indicator that something is off kilter. He's not connecting with you physically, which for a guy is very important. I've asked my husband about what he thinks and he agrees that the lack of intimacy is what should be discussed, not the photos. If you bring up the photos he'll get defensive and it might not help get to the bottom of what is going on.

My relationship with DH is tighter than it ever has been. I trust him. And he trusts me. I don't care what he looks at. It hasn't taken the place of anything in our relationship at all.

As long as he comes home for dinner, what's so wrong with him looking at the buffet? He still wants that home-cooked meal!

free skin care · Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:05 pm

ScotsLass wrote:

[I am extremely surprised at the number of women who like to believe that men engage in the behavior of ogling naked women or collect p*ornographic material because this is simply what they 'do' as the male species!?! I personally know plenty of men who DO NOT engage in the need to objectify women's 'parts' as a staple in their sexual diet or lifestyle, and who admit that this type of behavior would be hurtful to the one they loved if they were in a committed relationship.

I don't think anyone is saying ALL men use p0rn (though it is pretty hard to escape from it these days!). However, I personally know loads of men (and even dated a few who proclaimed that p0rn is disgusting and women should be loved for their soul and spirit etc who later turned out to use p0rn on casual if not regular basis. Thing is, as my DH will admit, men tell women what they want to hear. If I knew a guy used p0rn, I would not go out with him period and I think few women are genuinely comfortable with their partners using p0rn. Men know this so they hide it.

free skin care · Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:16 pm

I've been happily married for 4 years, and couldn't agree more with ParisTroika. You have to get to the trust/intimacy issues. Also, unless it's like an obsession, I don't think it's fair to either person to just dump him. Why not try to work through this?

DH was single and dateless for a long time before he met me. After we met, he voluntarily got rid of the pics on his PC. I didn't even know about them until he told me it was time for them to go, but it was no big deal to me.

After we moved in together, he voluntarily got rid of the mags. Again, I didn't know about them until he decided to toss them. He equated this to growing up and moving on to the next stage in his life, since we were already planning our wedding.

I can't imagine myself pressuring him to get rid of the stuff, because then it becomes a control issue, and like PT, I feel there's more important stuff to worry about.

That's something to consider, Bira. Expressing how it makes you feel is one thing, but demanding that he get rid of it takes away the opportunity for him to make the choice.

Just my two cents!

free skin care · Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:50 am

Bira wrote:

Nadjazz, not a problem. It is easy to misunderstand written words or even spoken words. I can see as well why my bf might have taken what I said as a threat. Sometimes it's hard to get my point across clearly. Very Happy

I couldn't wait for him to respond via email, so I called him. We talked, and I feel much better. He does have some physical issue that I cannot disclose but it is not about not feeling attracted to me. He said he doesn't want other women and he does not have any other women in his life. I believe him as we spend a lot of time together. He sounded very calm and our conversation was very rational. When I asked him where he sees our relationship going, he said he wanted himself to be healthy physically first before he made any type of commitment, but he wanted to be with me in the end.

So I want to thank you all again for helping me out. I truly appreciated everyone's input and opinion. For those of you who have been in a long marriage, I hope that you'll be one of those couples that still hold hands in your 80s. Very Happy

I really adore those elderly couples.

Hi Bira! I am so happy to hear that you and your boyfriend are establishing an open channel of communication about your intimacy concerns, as well as your conerns about the p-orn you discovered on his computer. It's times like these that really test the strength of your relationship and that also help you to decide if everything is truly worth pursuing long-term. In my experience, it takes a good two to three years to really know someone, so this is a crucial period in your relationship and one that you should feel comfortable enough exploring further communication-wise. So if you have any serious questions you want to ask him, do so now. It's all a win-win for you and something you'll thank yourself for later on, especially if you are debating marriage with this fella.

I really hope that everything works out for you and that you find the happiness you deserve!

(((Hugs)))

free skin care · Sun Jul 08, 2007 3:30 pm

Men- sometimes I adore them but the other times, I want to invent a giant cigar cutter/ dick chopper offer and sell them by the masses.

free skin care · Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:14 pm

Hi Bira,

It looks like you have gotten some wonderful advice here and I don't think I can add anything more, but wanted to show you some love.

Kristen

free skin care · Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:00 am

I am an ole fart that has been married for 27 years. When we were younger, my husband didn't outwardly look at other women because it made me feel insecure. Now he looks at women and talks to me about what he sees. He is always a gentleman first. I think this is a very individual issue, what works for one won't work for another. The lack of sex is a huge indicator though...Between 20-30 you should be having sex 5 times a week, different times of the day and night and you said "we don't have sex often". Pair that with the pictures and I think you have a ticking bomb (or a bad relationship). You sound like a smart young lady, trust those good ole instincts...and follow your heart

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