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Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:37 pm  |
I apologize in advance because I didn't get a chance to read through all your replies. Why do I question if it's his baby...sorry but it just sort of crossed my mind for some reason. Perhaps it was the 'skank' part that started to drill into my head.
Tosca,
Sorry what you're going through, this must be a devistation to the family. I somewhat know on some level what you're going through. My brother married last August without even consulting with the family. I found out through his friends who slipped while we all went out to a club (apparently celebrating the engagement) which I was unaware of. He didn't even ask the persmission from my parents, he basically said this is what I'm going to do and whether you like it or not too bad. He was 23 when he got married.
Personally I think he got married for the wrong reason, he joined the Navy and felt he needed to marry for financial reason, of course they love each other, but what's the harm in waiting a few years when you're that young. Basically, we didn't plan a single thing with him for the wedding, all her family planned it. We weren't even incorporated into the plans. We were lucky to have even gotten invited to the wedding. He and I still don't speak til this day and parents are slowing coming around because it's their child.
Word of advice, don't give ultimatiums or alienate him. If anything try to work something out for everyone. In these situations, no one ever really wins, it's all about compromise and accepting the situation. |
_________________
26, combination skin with oily t-zone |
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Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:27 pm |
My brother finally called me! We talked for about an hour and a half. I feel a little better. He apologized for the MySpace thing and said he had planned on coming to my house next weekend and telling me in person.
I got him alone, which was what I wanted, and I just decided to come right out and be blunt with my questions, while not saying bad things about the GF.  He's usually a straightforward person, and this has always worked with him in the past. If I don't ask direct questions, I may not get the info I want because he's impossible to read. I was careful not to say anything bad about the GF, though.
I asked him how he felt about her and if he intended to marry her. With me, he seemed pretty unsure about how he felt and finally settled for "Uhhh, I like her pretty well." (Ever the big-talker, my bro.) He did say that if he could work things out, he'd marry her, but he put the words "if I can work things out with her" in there. He also promised to wait at least until after the baby's born. It seems as though he's had time to re-think this a little and has decided against jumping right into the marriage thing.
He said he was actually really surprised to find out she was pregnant. Apparently, some type of birth control was being used. I also question if it is his baby. She must've gotten pregnant on the first date, if so!
He seems pretty unsure of the whole thing to me, but he is okay with having a baby. He said that it was not really what he wanted right now, but that he's getting used to the idea. He's calmed down enough to decide he hopes it's a boy.
From what I gather, when my sister talked to him Saturday evening, GF got on the phone and did a lot of the talking. Apparently, what he agrees with when she's around and what he lets her say are different from what he says when he's alone. You have to pull things out of him, and my sis is not good at this and also got him when he had no privacy. - Either that, or he's had time to calm down since she talked to him and has come to the realization that he doesn't need to make a lifelong comittment to anyone at this point other than the little one. Either way, that's very much of a relief because he seems to have come to his senses a little.
At any rate, he says he's in a okay place financially to take care of baby (and mom if necessary). He just started a new job, and it is going really well. I didn't bring up the question of whether or not it was his - Nothing bad about her. 
I'm really sorry about your brother, ariesextreme. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes people do the worst things to their families. I guess they think they'll always be forgiven.
I agree, Rufus, there should be a Toxic Chicks for Dummies book! I would get every single man I know a copy.
I really appreciate everyone helping so much. |
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Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:20 am |
Tosca, I'n glad you finally got to sit down with your brother! And it's great that he realized that he doesn't NEED to make a commitment to the mother right now, just the baby. I thought it was pretty funny when you kept saying... " -not to say anything bad about her " very good job at that, lol  .
Heres my response to your questions:
He's admitted to saying that, yes, the guy is using him a LITTLE, but he will get something back in return  . I don't think he feels sorry for the guy though. I mean, he has nothing to feel sorry about. He's got his own place, a car, a job, and is at school.
She was very kind, VERY LOGICAL, and a bit forceful in the end where she demanded that he came home at night, and not be god knows where (but I think that that demand was very reasonable).
Being kind, my family and I have been doing, being logical was the first thing we started with. And forceful doesn't work with him. He is the type of person that if you try to force him to do something without him 'comming up with the idea' he will just move farther and farther away  .
My parents have actually tried telling him "go to school (we'll pay for whatever living expenses you've got while you finish your education so you don't work), find friends who are going somewhere , and straighten out your life (bills bills bills)." But it just doesn't work. He'll say, "It's my life, I'm old enough to decide for myself, stay out of my business."
My mom and dad wouldn't have the heart to kick him out of the house. Because they know exactly where he'll go (the guys house), and what could easily happen with his life (the friends he's with have 'problems'), etc...
Yes, it is a mess. |
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Wed Sep 06, 2006 1:50 pm |
Wow, girldelvov! I don't know what else to suggest. If he knows he's being used "a little" and is waiting around for something in return, it doesn't seem like he's going to respond to anything, especially if he doesn't respond well to demands. I don't have a clue what else to tell you to do. He's going to wake up some day and realize that he's wasted half his life on this guy and gotten nothing in return. He's really lucky to have you and to have parents who care enough to take care of him while they wait for him to come around. Maybe he'll meet another great girl.  |
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Wed Sep 06, 2006 3:39 pm |
| Tosca wrote: |
| I don't have a clue what else to tell you to do. He's going to wake up some day and realize that he's wasted half his life on this guy and gotten nothing in return. He's really lucky to have you and to have parents who care enough to take care of him while they wait for him to come around. Maybe he'll meet another great girl. |
Yeah, thats how I feel! I guess he just may waste 1/2 his life, like you said.
And another girl? That would be great. Even better, would be the same girl  . She went through so much with our family that its hard to picture anyone else. |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 11:11 am |
 Is he sure it's even his? She may just be looking for a daddy for her baby!!! Otherwise...sounds like a "trap." You're a great Sis for looking out for him.... |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:37 pm |
| I'm not sure, doodlebug. I don't think he's even considered that it might not be. I do believe it's a trap, but don't know what to do about it at thos point. Thanks for thinking I'm a great sis. |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 6:23 pm |
Tosca,
Any new developements? How far along would this make her? I've been thinking about your situation alot lately, hope you are doing OK. |
_________________
27~Texas~Oily~ fair~ breakout prone~ easily congested~Cysts caused by emotional stress~ Using Ayurvedic skin care and philosophy~ Dry brushing body and face~ On strict less is more routine~ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars~ Oscar Wilde |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:04 pm |
No real new developments, Vonstella. The girl did write me an email telling me she'd keep me updated on the baby's progress. She signed it "Love you." I thought that was weird, but I'm trying not to read anything into it. She's about eight weeks along now.
My sister did tell me that my brother said I was the hardest one to break the news to, and that he was upset because I knew before he was ready to tell me. (He blames it on our sister, not on the girl.) I'm not sure what that's about other than I'm the oldest and the one who is most firmly rooted in reality. I guess he knew I'd be very upset about it. I'm really hoping that he's not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I guess only time will tell. I feel like I should not express my opinions anymore unless they're asked for.
Thank you for think of me and caring, Vonstella! |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:06 pm |
| Girldelvov, any updates with your brother? I don't suppose he'd consider therapy to see if someone can help him understand and deal with his destructive behavior. Any sign of the girl coming back She seems to be his best hope. |
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Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:17 pm |
| Tosca wrote: |
| No real new developments, Vonstella. The girl did write me an email telling me she'd keep me updated on the baby's progress. She signed it "Love you." I thought that was weird, but I'm trying not to read anything into it. She's about eight weeks along now. |
Gross, can she be anymore oblivious?
| Quote: |
| My sister did tell me that my brother said I was the hardest one to break the news to, and that he was upset because I knew before he was ready to tell me. (He blames it on our sister, not on the girl.) I'm not sure what that's about other than I'm the oldest and the one who is most firmly rooted in reality. I guess he knew I'd be very upset about it. I'm really hoping that he's not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I guess only time will tell. I feel like I should not express my opinions anymore unless they're asked for. |
Thats such a hard position to be in, I should know Im not known for keeping my mouth shut! It sounds like your brother knows he has screwed up or else he wouldnt be afraid to talk to you....not much you can do at this point other than sit back and watch it unfold.
Hope Im not over stepping my bounds but, I include your family in my nightly prayers, I truly hope this will get easier for you. |
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Fri Sep 15, 2006 1:47 pm |
| Thank you, Vonstella. I really appreciate it! |
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| Sun Apr 28, 2024 3:31 am |
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