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Fri Sep 22, 2006 9:41 pm  |
What I Must Remember --- by the Dog
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the 'fridge or sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because
I like way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
owners will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
15. Even though we have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. (* Apparently EVERY Dog thinks this is a great game!)
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the Trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's
* spam * and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. To avoid having a string hanging out of my butt, I will not eat
mint-flavored floss out of the bathroom garbage.
22. I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.
23. I will not fart, belch, or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.
24. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
25. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because
the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. |
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Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Sat Sep 23, 2006 8:42 pm |
Too funny, now I think there should be an owners list of things not to do which includes #23...you know, to be fair and all  |
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Sun Sep 24, 2006 12:49 am |
Lol, very cute! Now if only "the Dog" would remember his/her own rules. For my dog, #15 seems to be something he needs to work on  . |
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Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:06 am |
| You need to place a warning on things like this. I was trying so hard not to laugh when I was reading it. (I'm at work) |
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Mon Sep 25, 2006 11:31 am |
| jlrobatzek wrote: |
| You need to place a warning on things like this. I was trying so hard not to laugh when I was reading it. (I'm at work) |
Whoops, sorry... |
_________________
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too. ~ Voltaire www.Candessence.com |
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Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:39 am |
Here's another that includes cats
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and
try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also,
I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front
door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. |
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havana8
Moderator
 
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 3451
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:24 pm |
| very funny posts, Candy and Kalegr, and yet so true! |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:51 pm |
| Thank you Candy and Kalegr -- very funny! |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 5:29 pm |
| Candy8865 wrote: |
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
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aka "kitty rocha" |
_________________
early-mid 30s || oily-combination, sensitive & acne-prone skin || mild breakouts (Aczone helps a lot) || occasional eczema rashes || fine lines around eyes || very dark under eye cirlces- concealer a must || very fair neutral-warm complexion, blue eyes, blonde hair |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:32 pm |
| kalegr wrote: |
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. |
And here's why I don't have children... brilliant!! |
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Makeup and skincare are my passion!! My dayjob is just to pay for the obsession... |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 8:48 pm |
| Those were great! |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:27 pm |
| Rethinking my new soon-to-be puppy!!! |
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:06 pm |
Thanks Candy.
I have just read them to my dog Mutley - he looked very interested.
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:52 am |
| Hilarious ! Just what I needed to cheer up my Monday morning. |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 3:07 am |
| Thanks Candy and Kalegr, they are wonderful. The thing that always gets me with pets is that it doesn't matter what you do, they still love you without question. |
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Skin: Over 60, ex combination now sensitive, Cellcosmet |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 7:43 am |
what a interesting post. so funny!  |
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i am i. |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:57 am |
| tam wrote: |
| Thank you Candy and Kalegr -- very funny! |
Thanks from me, too! All the dog and cat stuff was SO true...
Mary |
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43, Confirmed desert rat (Scottsdale, AZ), animal lover (3 kitties and a pup) and hopeless product junkie (I blame EDS...lol!) |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:42 am |
Really laughing....
I'll read Candy's list to Mowgli & Chyna as soon as they stand still for more than 11 seconds (while awake, that is...). |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 7:28 pm |
| Thank you for the laugh. |
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Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:26 pm |
| Candy and Kalegr - thanks for a good laugh! |
_________________
Early 50s, Skin: combin.,semi-sensitive, fair with occasional breakouts, some old acne scars, freckles, under-eye wrinkles; Redhead with hazel eyes |
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 9:25 pm |
| I just found this, and I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my face. DH is sitting across the room looking at me like I've lost my mind. The dental floss one and the kleenex one are really familiar around here. |
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 9:35 pm |
| OMG that is hilarious. Thanks Candy & Kalegr! Two thumbs up! |
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:08 pm |
Aww... lol. Too funny!!  Thanks for sharing. |
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Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:21 am |
love this!
esp #19
I will not bite the Trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's * spam * and car registration.
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normal to combination skin that is sensitive. cheeks have large, visible pores and flush very easily. most SAs tell me "dehydrated on the outside, oily on the inside"! |
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Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:45 am |
5. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar
yes, can someone PLEASE explain this obsession dogs have with eating poop?! human, cat or their own... I am having a lot of trouble undestanding it. Not to mention the whole sick thing.. ewwwwwwwwwww. |
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SKIN: combination, reactive to climate changes and extremely fair. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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