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Narcissists - Who's dealt w/ one?
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Bunny7475
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 8:00 am      Reply with quote
Last night while searching an unrelated topic in Google, I came across an article on Narcissist Personality Disorder. The traits were VERY familiar to me - it was describing my SO! I guess I have known all along that he had some issues, which I was willing to forgive b/c heaven knows we all do, but lately some stuff has really been getting under my skin. For example:

-He will interrupt me while I am talking about something important to me to tell me some insignificant detail of his day and somehow the topic stays on him.
-He constantly "name drops"
-He thinks his hobbies, interests and skills are superior to everyone else's.
-He is easily offended and approaches even a minor or perceived criticism with extreme defensiveness
-If the same thing happened to both of us, let's say a medical problem, an issue with work, a cancelled flight, etc., whatever happened to him would be MUCH worse than my experience. If I broke my leg he would be complaining about a splinter in his toe!

I stayed up most of the night reading stuff online and everything said you can't change a person like this, that you just have to accept the way they are or move on. Does anyone have any experience w/ this type of personality? Were you able to deal w/ it?
Arielle
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 8:44 am      Reply with quote
Bunny, just how long have you been seeing my youngest brother?

rofl

Ari

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Sat Feb 10, 2007 8:56 am      Reply with quote
Arielle wrote:
Bunny, just how long have you been seeing my youngest brother?

rofl

Ari


Oh no! LOL Ari you crack me up!

Sorry Bunny, I haven't had experience with this kind of person. I wouldn't have the tolerance to be around someone like that Smile What do you think you will do?

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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:05 am      Reply with quote
I hate to break this to you, but you are seeing my ex-boyfriend.
Relationships with people with NPD don't tend to last long. They need to be in the spotlight. Most people can't take their constant ~me me me ~for long.
Bunny7475
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:23 am      Reply with quote
Surprisingly we have been dating over a year. I had just gotten divorced when we started seeing each other (red flag #1!). I tend to be co-dependant so I think that is why it has lasted so long. I thought I had gotten over the co-dependancy issues but apparently there is such a thing as "co-narcissism". Great! When am I going to stop supporting other people's neurosis and get my own? Wink

Blah. I'm going to go buy a new pair of jeans and spend the afternoon w/ friends. I actually feel very relieved b/c there is a book about this subject w/ the title "You're Not the Crazy One" or something like that. For months now I've felt there must be something wrong w/ me, even though I never REALLY felt that way - of course I think I am a great catch. And SO's attempts to convince me otherwise have strangely strengthend my resolve that I am!

Another excuse I have been using is that there just aren't that many eligible men in my town -sort of the opposite of "Men in Trees". It's hard enough to find someone who has a job or who doesn't have a drug problem - let alone someone you are compatible with. SO has some good traits but darn I can only deal w/ so much...

Thanks for letting me vent!
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:02 am      Reply with quote
I work with one.

They are incapable of love and you will be constantly unhappy if you choose to stay with him. Alone and happy is much better than with someone and miserable.
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:03 am      Reply with quote
I married a narcissist. He looked great on paper -- handsome, talented, rich, brilliant, degrees from Harvard AND Yale. All he needed was the white horse, I tell ya.

And we were together for nine years. It worked because he was narcisstic and I am the antithesis of that -- I have an "over empathic" personality. So, basically, we both took really good care of HIM. LOL

But I became invisible to myself. Anorexic and depressed and agoraphobic. I'd ask myself a question in my head, and no voice would come back. Verrry scarrrey.

I left him. Hardest thing I've ever done. I practically crawled away.

He has remarried, and has a daughter. And they are all terribly, terribly unhappy. His wife is anorexic, depressed and agoraphobic. Such a shame.

My parents were also both narcissists. Idea They competed and blamed and were very selfish. And resented their children for stealing time and attention away from them. I know that's why I hooked up with my ex-husband -- it just was a very familiar dynamic to me.

Me. I've had LOTS of therapy. LOTS. And am now as happy as a clam at high tide!

Dancing

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katee
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:19 pm      Reply with quote
I married one! Ultimately, we almost killed each other...laughing.

Fortunately, we divorced just short of homicide. I wanted our separation to be "friendly." I bought our house from him (yes, he claimed he got ripped off..lol), and I really didn't want to fight over "stuff." I told him to take whatever he wanted except for my piano and a few pieces that had special significance to me. I even left town that weekend so we wouldn't get into it. OMG OMG OMG - when I got home, he took EVERYTHING, including the toilet seats from all 4 bathrooms as well as one of the shower thingies (you know what I mean, those special shower heads that do all kinds of stuff)!!!

It took a long, long time, but we're very close friends again. I'm glad we managed to get to where we are. After all, he was my best friend for so long... He's remarried (to a gal who I really like, but who is dedicated to stroking his ego) and I'm very happily attached (so much so that I don't want to screw it up by getting married...lol).

It's very hard to be with someone who is a true narcissist, but it isn't impossible. Alot of it depends on your own personality, and on what you want from a relationship.

One thing I DO know, though. Shopping DEFINITELY helps Wink
catski
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 4:38 pm      Reply with quote
Yes, I have had a relationship with one of these and quite of few of them as friends. This comes from being reticent to talk about myself and actually being more comfortable with self absorbed people so that I escape the spotlight.

Ultimately it doesnt work!

I dont believe that narcissists can change, and I believe that relating closely to them is unsatisfying and always lacks equality... because The Narcissist is No.1 in import. ( and No.2 ) ( and No.3 ) Wink
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 7:58 pm      Reply with quote
My SO has some narcissistic personaltiy traits. He doesn't go as far as having a personality disorder, but the traits are infuriating because everything is about him. All the women I know love him and think that I am the absolute luckiest person in the world because he's really fun to be around, charming, etc. I honestly don't think he has a clue what's going on in my life or in my mind 90% of the time, though. Confused I dunno. He does absolutely adore me, but I think it's more the idea of me and more the idea of who he's decided I am than who I actually am. (BAD TOSCA!!) I've been think it over a lot lately, though. Funny that someone should bring it up.
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:24 pm      Reply with quote
A few of the younger girls at work are probably borderline narcissists.. I've tried making conversation with them but everything just ends up becoming about THEM or they obliviously interrupt you in the middle of a sentence with an "OMG..." about themselves...

Again, their personalities are somewhat 'stereotypical' of their upbringing and looks, pretty girls, spoilt, etc... I blame the parents!!!! They are awful to be around.
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Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:31 pm      Reply with quote
I also married one. And divorced after almost 10 years.

My story is so similar to Katee's in many ways, that it is not worth repeating.

I would not wish that on anyone.

Good luck,
Lucy.

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Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:34 pm      Reply with quote
I was friends with a narcissist a few years back; he was also a major moocher. So not only did we have to talk about him all the time, he ate all my food and took my CDs and never gave them back. After he lashed out at me a couple times (for not being appropriately fascinated with him), I broke ties, and simply stopped talking to him. I think it was the best way to tell him I simply did not give a sh** anymore. It was tiring being around him, all he did was take take take.

Although, I think we all have a certain amount of narcissism in us. Most of us just have other traits to balance it out...
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 9:09 pm      Reply with quote
This person sounds really arrogant.. He needs to learn how to love others too. I would stay away from anyone who acts like this. That person would make me feel less worthy of. Crying or Very sad No more drama for me please. Rolling Eyes
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Sun Feb 11, 2007 11:08 pm      Reply with quote
Hi Bunny!

OMG...here's a great link for you!

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home1.msnw

My ex was a complete narcissist. And a sociopath.

He really believed he was going to be 'discovered,' get a big record contract, and singlehandedly (because he would play all the instruments on the CD himself) revive 80's 'big-hair' rock.

He worked one day a week as a Karaoke dj in a dive bar. Til he got fired because he sucked.

I supported him, and he still couldn't seem to find the time to pay any attention to me Sad
Til I started seeing a musician much more famous and successful! Then, everything hit the fan, he beat me up and the cops broke down the door and saved me. He was caught red-handed, standing over me with a raised fist as I cowered in a fetal position. "She's drunk! She fell and hit herself! I was just helping her!" he told the cops.

Run away.

Fast!

And never look back!

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Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:32 am      Reply with quote
katee wrote:
It took a long, long time, but we're very close friends again. I'm glad we managed to get to where we are. After all, he was my best friend for so long... He's remarried (to a gal who I really like, but who is dedicated to stroking his ego) and I'm very happily attached (so much so that I don't want to screw it up by getting married...lol).


Katee, i can't belive he even took the toilet seats! he must have gone prepared.

how did you move on from that to become close friends? i would very much like to learn how to forgive and forget big things like divorce and stay as good friends.

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Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:47 am      Reply with quote
Time. Sometimes, as she said, "a long, long tme." Eventually, the divorce is something you went through together. Like combat veterans remembering war. You no more carry the resntment -- than you still hate your "enemy" from high school.

Unless, of course, you're a victim-why-me-they're-all-out-to-get-me-I-hate-the-whole-world kind of person. I know some folks like that. It appears to me, frankly, to be just too much work.

Don't push it. Let Time do her thing. Cool

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belleoftheball
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Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:35 pm      Reply with quote
I've often been described as an "attention seeking ho",but does this mean that I am a narcissist?

Sure I love the sound of my own voice and I do love myself to death...but I don't like hurting others.......geez now I'm paranoid!

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Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:41 pm      Reply with quote
belleoftheball wrote:
I've often been described as an "attention seeking ho",but does this mean that I am a narcissist?

Sure I love the sound of my own voice and I do love myself to death...but I don't like hurting others.......geez now I'm paranoid!

Belle, sweet pea, darling, no I don't think seeking attention means you're a narcissist ... it just means you might need a little extra lovin'. I think the clue is that you don't like to hurt others ... a true narcissist doesn't really give a flyin' cr@p about others, in any way, shape or form!
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Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:50 pm      Reply with quote
belleoftheball wrote:
I've often been described as an "attention seeking ho",but does this mean that I am a narcissist?

Sure I love the sound of my own voice and I do love myself to death...but I don't like hurting others.......geez now I'm paranoid!


I know alot of ~ as you put it ~"attention seeking ho's"....and I don't think there's anything wrong with us....uh, I mean them Laughing .
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Tue Feb 13, 2007 7:59 pm      Reply with quote
MermaidGirl wrote:
belleoftheball wrote:
I've often been described as an "attention seeking ho",but does this mean that I am a narcissist?

Sure I love the sound of my own voice and I do love myself to death...but I don't like hurting others.......geez now I'm paranoid!

Belle, sweet pea, darling, no I don't think seeking attention means you're a narcissist ... it just means you might need a little extra lovin'. I think the clue is that you don't like to hurt others ... a true narcissist doesn't really give a flyin' cr@p about others, in any way, shape or form!


Exactly! AND, they never ever feel any remorse or compassion.

Doesn't sound like you fit that bill, Belle. So, not to worry.

Ari

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Tue Feb 13, 2007 8:05 pm      Reply with quote
Bunny7475 wrote:

Thanks for letting me vent!


Vent anytime, baby! Very Happy
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Wed Feb 14, 2007 3:40 am      Reply with quote
Arielle wrote:
MermaidGirl wrote:
belleoftheball wrote:
I've often been described as an "attention seeking ho",but does this mean that I am a narcissist?

Sure I love the sound of my own voice and I do love myself to death...but I don't like hurting others.......geez now I'm paranoid!

Belle, sweet pea, darling, no I don't think seeking attention means you're a narcissist ... it just means you might need a little extra lovin'. I think the clue is that you don't like to hurt others ... a true narcissist doesn't really give a flyin' cr@p about others, in any way, shape or form!


Exactly! AND, they never ever feel any remorse or compassion.

Doesn't sound like you fit that bill, Belle. So, not to worry.

Ari



Yep, and not only do they not care that they hurt you, but they make it so that YOU are at fault for feeling hurt, somehow. ie You misconstrued them/are unforgiving/are over sensitive/ or just plain weird..
belleoftheball
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Wed Feb 14, 2007 8:46 pm      Reply with quote
Well that's a relief!!

mermaidgirl are you related to Mermaidman?
I just lurve his shell bra, it's to die for.

I do need some lovin, and I go out looking for some every night Surprised

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Wed Feb 14, 2007 11:27 pm      Reply with quote
belleoftheball wrote:
... mermaidgirl are you related to Mermaidman? I just lurve his shell bra, it's to die for.

I do need some lovin, and I go out looking for some every night Surprised

Yes, MermaidMan (aka "Neptune") is my father. If you like his shell bra, you should see mine! Surprised

Well, you crazy girl, I sure hope you find some good lovin' ... just be careful out there! Very Happy
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