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How long do you or should you date before getting married???
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bkkgirl
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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:33 pm      Reply with quote
I think 2 years is long enough to know if you should marry the guy. That is my magic number.

My boyfriend is dreading our two-year anniversary of dating. LOL He thinks 3 years would be better since his sister dated her husband for 3 years before they got married. I reminded him I'm not his sister. Plus we're both in our 30s, not 20s. It's not like we don't know what we want any more. A year is a long time to waste if you don't think you'll want to spend the rest of your life with this person when you're in your 30s.

So what do you think? Ok, I know 3 months don't work. My sister dated a guy for 3 months and got married to him. He's a real jerk. She's so unhappy it's sickening me. A friend has a friend who also dated her husband for just 3 months before they married, and she's absolutely miserable.
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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:36 pm      Reply with quote
IMO, I think if you're not happy with the person you're with, then you should live him/her, no matter what. Better to leave, than being miserable your whole life. 2 years IMO, is good enough to get married. If you feel he's the one, go for it! Follow your heart. Good luck! I believe that happiness is the key in life. It's important to have HAPPINESS. Without happiness, theres no SUCCESS.
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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:42 pm      Reply with quote
I really wish I knew the answer to this question!

My brother dated his high school sweetheart for 7+ years. They started when he was 17 or so. three or four years ago he proposed to her. They set off the wedding date 1 year because of religious reasons (her parents wanted a Jewish wedding. Seeing as my brother isn't fully Jewish, he had to jump through some hoops beforehand). And so they moved in together, etc. 10-11 months till the set wedding date, they broke it off. It's been two years. They haven't spoken since.

So now, my parents are very worrisome of myself or my brother seeing someone for too long before committing.

So I guess some people have their reasoning, and I'll have mine (although I'm not sure what it is yet Laughing ). I think I'll say three- five years or so. Just a guess....

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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:45 pm      Reply with quote
girldelvov wrote:
I really wish I knew the answer to this question!

My brother dated his high school sweetheart for 7+ years. They started when he was 17 or so. three or four years ago he proposed to her. They set off the wedding date 1 year because of religious reasons (her parents wanted a Jewish wedding. Seeing as my brother isn't fully Jewish, he had to jump through some hoops beforehand). And so they moved in together, etc. 10-11 months till the set wedding date, they broke it off. It's been two years. They haven't spoken since.

So now, my parents are very worrisome of myself or my brother seeing someone for too long before committing.

So I guess some people have their reasoning, and I'll have mine (although I'm not sure what it is yet Laughing ). I think I'll say three- five years or so. Just a guess....


Is it because of religious problems? I'm having the same problems.. DH's parent's don't like me because I'm not a catholic..
bkkgirl
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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:47 pm      Reply with quote
Well, I can't say I came up with my magic number all by myself. I used to listen to Dr. Laura Schlesinger a lot (don't know if you all know her, but she's a famous radio talk show hostess in California and she can be pretty mean to some people, but she's very intuitive). She preached that you need to date someone at least a year to get to know the person, but she advocates two years being the best number. She said if you date someone for 3 years and still no marriage, you're wasting your time, and you should move on. I see her point. For me, I really feel like if my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me after two years, it is not a good sign. If he got some issues, I need to know and see if I can deal with them or we will deal with them together, etc.
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Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:56 pm      Reply with quote
You should really find out why... I think it's really corny of him to think that way. Is he serious about the relationship? I know I would be really paranoid if this happened to me. Hopefully you guys can work this out asap.
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 12:00 am      Reply with quote
poohlisey wrote:
You should really find out why... I think it's really corny of him to think that way. Is he serious about the relationship? I know I would be really paranoid if this happened to me. Hopefully you guys can work this out asap.


He has too many divorced friends or on the verge of divorcing, and their wives or ex sued them for a lot of $, and even I am divorced, but after 12 years of hellish marriage (but my ex actually got $ from me since CA is a community state, and my ex didn't save any money while I saved my hard-earned money). He knows all about my ex and what a real lowlife he is, so he should not blame me for the divorce. I tried to stick with the marriage that only brought me down for as long as I could. But he knows I would want to know about the next step when the two years come up (right after tax day!). It will be interesting for sure.
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 12:25 am      Reply with quote
poohlisey wrote:
Is it because of religious problems? I'm having the same problems.. DH's parent's don't like me because I'm not a catholic..


No, I wouldn't say so. My brother and I both were brought up more towards the Jewish faith rather than our baptized Christian faith (mom is Christian dad id Jewish). So all of their views seemed to go together/ etc. I honestly am just beginning to think that they dated for too long without making a serious commitment into marriage, kids, etc. All other possibilities that can be viable are just blaming either my brother or his ex fiance. It could either been her wanting to control him in the sense of "please don't drink too much. Socially is fine of course." and/or "Please finish your education (bachelors), I will pay for rent and bills and wait for you to finish, and then I will go on to get my Masters." and/or "You know which people only use you for your money, please never forget this. Some people will never change." Or it could have been my brother with "I know who to trust. People change." and/or "I want to party more with good friends" and/or "I want to do things my way!" So, yeah, I really don't even know anymore. However it wasn't based on faith. At the beginning stages, they even considered getting legally married and then having a public wedding in a year or so.

I'm so sorry you have to go through that with your husbands parents! However, I think they will warm up to you when they see what kind of person you are and although you aren't catholic you are just as good/ if not better than all other women out there that could have been suitable for your husband (in the sense of faith-wise). Some people are just so set in their ways that it takes time for them to accept something they weren't expecting. Just hold in there! As long as your DH is supportive of you, it should all be fine! Very Happy

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Sidda
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 1:03 am      Reply with quote
What's the hurry with getting married? is my thought.

There is a wise (and, I think, true) old saying that you marry the person you are with when you are ready to get married.

What do you think will change if you get married? "Wasting" a year of your life unmarried? What is that about? If you learn and grow and keep making changes and getting braver, no year of your life is wasted. I admit, I gasped outloud when I read that.

Do not try to hurry your BF into marriage. If it works, waiting won't break the friendship. If it doesn't work, getting married (or not) certainly won't help.

You see why I am soooo glad I am not in my 30s anymore! Laughing

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 1:43 am      Reply with quote
It might be YOUR magic number, but you cannot decide for others! Wink Some know within weeks that this is the one, others might never be 100% sure...

If your boyfriend is dreading your anniversary you are really not sending the right signals. I can understand your boyfriends panick. It is his decision too, he should have his say in this.



bkkgirl wrote:
I think 2 years is long enough to know if you should marry the guy. That is my magic number.

My boyfriend is dreading our two-year anniversary of dating. LOL He thinks 3 years would be better since his sister dated her husband for 3 years before they got married. I reminded him I'm not his sister. Plus we're both in our 30s, not 20s. It's not like we don't know what we want any more. A year is a long time to waste if you don't think you'll want to spend the rest of your life with this person when you're in your 30s.

So what do you think? Ok, I know 3 months don't work. My sister dated a guy for 3 months and got married to him. He's a real jerk. She's so unhappy it's sickening me. A friend has a friend who also dated her husband for just 3 months before they married, and she's absolutely miserable.

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 2:55 am      Reply with quote
Hmm...I don't think there can possibly be a right answer to this, other than "till you're both ready". That might be quite soon, or never at all depending on the circumstances.
Anna_in_Sweden
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 5:25 am      Reply with quote
I agree, what's the rush? If he wants to wait and you don't then I think you have your answer. You can't push someone to marry you (well you can but it can lead to resentment) so if you are not happy with his time frame versus yours then move on. Also, I wouldn't listen to some radio doctor. Listen to yourself.

For the record my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years out of those we have lived together for 7 and neither of us are in a rush to get married. I am in my mid-30's and he in his late-30's. We are content with the way that things are right now. I should add, it seems to be really common here in Scandinavia countries for couples to live together without ever getting married. Works for us! Very Happy
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 6:16 am      Reply with quote
I think that if you meet the right person you will definitely just know. It took me over seven years to figure out that my previous b/f was not the one. I just kept having doubts and hence I delayed getting married and I'm now glad that I listened to my gut feeling....


There's no hurry, just listen to your heart and you'll figure it out.

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Pudoodles
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 6:47 am      Reply with quote
I agree with Mabsy - Listen to your heart (a scary thing to do!)...My guy and I started living together 2 weeks after the first kiss...we "ran off" and married 3 months later. It has been seven years and I swear it feels a week!!! Aint love grand?!
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:08 am      Reply with quote
Pudoodles wrote:
I agree with Mabsy - Listen to your heart (a scary thing to do!)...My guy and I started living together 2 weeks after the first kiss...we "ran off" and married 3 months later. It has been seven years and I swear it feels a week!!! Aint love grand?!
Pudoodles


You (and he) are extremely lucky!! Very Happy
world~of~mirth
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:05 am      Reply with quote
Yeah I also agree that it doesn't matter how long. I dated my husband for 5 months before we got married and we have been married 4 years and I am super happy. I know people who dated for years before marrying and they didn't last a year being married... it doesn't matter. When you're with the right person you just know.
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:22 am      Reply with quote
Everybody is different. We got married within 10 months of meeting. Moved in together within a month. Have been married 27 years this year. It isn't always easy but to be honest I wouldn't swap him, well maybe for Johnny Depp Laughing

Other friends of mine got married after 10 years together and ended up divorced within a year.

You have to go with what feels right in your heart. Things happen & people change. I really don't believe you can stick love in a time frame.

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:23 am      Reply with quote
i don't believe there is a magic number. it's different for every couple. just go with whatever feels right Smile

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 9:35 am      Reply with quote
world~of~mirth wrote:
Yeah I also agree that it doesn't matter how long. I dated my husband for 5 months before we got married and we have been married 4 years and I am super happy. I know people who dated for years before marrying and they didn't last a year being married... it doesn't matter. When you're with the right person you just know.


I've got to agree that it depends less on the length of time you've known each other than on how well you know each other and whether you share the same expectations of marriage. Marriage not just a long date. If you're looking at the person you're dating as a life-partner, then you have to know upfront that you think alike about all the important things--commitment, children, religion, money, the definition of partnership, etc.

DH and I will be celebrating our 26th anniversary in May and we dated for 6 months before we married.

Ari

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Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:58 am      Reply with quote
Actually, according to a survey I read there IS a magic number and it is 2 years. They did a study on numerous married/divorced couples in regards to how long they dated before they married. The ones who dated 2 years before making the leap were found to have the longest and most lasting marriages. I thought it was pretty interesting. Of course the rule doesn't apply to everyone but I just had to jump in on this topic since I had actually seen a study on it! Very Happy
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:29 am      Reply with quote
If he's dreading your 2nd anniversary of dating that speaks volumes. He's in no hurry and if you try to pressure him into it, or go on about how long you've been dating, you're going to scare him off. Looks to me like he's using his sister's time-frame to procrastinate - he's just not ready to get married to you.
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:53 am      Reply with quote
I wish I got one to start with...
haha...
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:41 pm      Reply with quote
The timeframe for dating that feels right to you is the best, and the only one that matters. That being said, I would only stick around for another year if marriage is likely to happen and that makes you both happy (as opposed to you feeling happy and boyfried acting odd during the conversation or after it).
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 3:53 pm      Reply with quote
Good topic as I'm in this predicament. It's been about 2 years for us. We're moving in together first before getting engaged, his idea. We're looking for places now and found one and probably moving in about early summer. I told him...if I don't have a ring by the end of this year I'm walking Laughing Laughing ( he knows I'm kidding). It all depends, there shoudn't be a time limit, but for me I'd like it to be sooner than later, for him he wants to me sure, and not that he isn't sure he doesn't want to rush in. I tell him I'm not ready to be a 30 yr old bride (sorry if that sounds shallow). But I want to be young, vibrant and pretty in my wedding gown when walking down the aisle. My clocks ticking and this girl isn't getting any younger Crying or Very sad

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bkkgirl
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Fri Feb 16, 2007 5:28 pm      Reply with quote
OH golly! Some of you girls are making me sound like a monster. I would never push my boyfriend to do anything he doesn't want to do particularly marrying me! LOL

He indicated that he thought of me as his soulmate and he does want to marry me. He sees us together in our 50s, till death us do part, etc.

So for me, I have my sense of security that needs to be satisfied, and I'm going to respect MY wishes. I'll stick with two years. Nope, it doesn't mean we have to be married in April, but I'd like to discuss the next step shortly after that. If he doesn't want to get married and has reservations, I will certainly want to hear him out and see what "I" want to do. I want to be happy, and want to make sure I'm with the right guy. And my definition of the right guy is the one who loves me and wants to be with me forever. If he's not that person, I'd rather know it now, not a year or 5 years from now.

Pushing him in to marriage is the last thing on my mind. That sounds pretty horrible, don't you think?! So far, all the marriage talk has been coming from him. I have not brought up anything.
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