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Shylass
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:26 pm      Reply with quote
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
Shylass
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:34 pm      Reply with quote
Mrs. Wilson, a 3rd grade teacher, was teaching her class about whales. She informed her class that even though whales were very large, their throats were small and could not swallow large items. Little Timmy raised his hand and said, "But, Mrs. Wilson, I go to Sunday School every Sunday and was told that Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Mrs. Wilson replied, "I am sorry, Timmy. Bible stories are a myth and that never really happened."
Timmy replied, "Well, when I go to heaven I am going to ask Jonah if he was swallowed by a whale."
Mrs. Wilson asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
Timmy replied, "Then you can ask!"
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:26 pm      Reply with quote
Laughing Where on earth do you get these shylass, I love 'em!

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havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:43 pm      Reply with quote
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says.. (Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:45 pm      Reply with quote
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry, Mom. I told her I didn't know."
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:47 pm      Reply with quote
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!"
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:52 pm      Reply with quote
Following are the 10 1st place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but only one carrion allowed per passenger".

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam".

3. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novacain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiast checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." "Because", the manager said, "I can't have chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So… the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the toughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (this is so bad it's good")…

A super calloused fraile mystic hexed by halitosis!

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did???
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:58 pm      Reply with quote
LETTER FROM THE WIFE - Read before viewing the picture

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from the supermarket and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife, XXX


P.S. Your girlfriend called









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havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:59 pm      Reply with quote
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?… What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered… is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day… or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT… make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

So what is the moral to this story?



Scroll down






The moral is… If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:03 pm      Reply with quote
Football FINALLY makes sense.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:20 pm      Reply with quote
This is so HILARIOUS!!!

Link to chum radio morning-show recording
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:22 pm      Reply with quote
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havana8
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:38 pm      Reply with quote
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm Gay
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:04 am      Reply with quote
Thanks all for being so busy with the jokes today. Just can't stop laughing but, of all of them, Mahatma Gandhi really cracked me up. Laughing Laughing Laughing

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havana8
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:06 am      Reply with quote
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
havana8
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:06 am      Reply with quote
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
havana8
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 12:07 am      Reply with quote
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
havana8
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:10 am      Reply with quote
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:25 am      Reply with quote
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
Shylass
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:46 am      Reply with quote
I'll keep posting them just for you, Athena! Very Happy
Shylass
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:49 am      Reply with quote
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:53 am      Reply with quote
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:57 am      Reply with quote
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went golfing with their wives. As the Englishman's wife stepped up to the tee she bent over to place her ball. A gust of wind blew her skirt up and she wore no underwear.

"Blimey & sod it all woman." cried the husband. "Where the devil are your knickers?"

"You bloody well know you don't give me enough household money to afford any." said the wife.

"Well for the sake of decency woman, here's 20 quid. Go out and buy yourself some fancy knickers!" he said.

When the Irishman's wife teed off, the wind also blew her skirt up to reveal her arse as well. "By the blessed Virgin woman! You've no knickers either! Why not?" said her husband.

The Irishman's wife replied, "You should know I can't afford any on the money you provide!" as she tossed her head.

"Well then," said the Irishman. "Since it's that way, here's 5 quid. Go out buy yerself some underwear!"

Finally, the Scotsman's wife bends over to tee her ball. The wind blows her skirt up as well and shows she naked as a jaybird underneath too.

"Bloody 'ell, Aggie! Where in friggin' Christ are ye drawers?" screamed the husband.

She replied, "Ye dinna give me enough money ta affarrd enny, ye Christley cheap fool!"

The Scotsman reaches for his pocket and says, "Well then, fer the love o' Jaysus, 'n the sake o' decency woman, 'ere's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!"
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Wed Aug 08, 2007 7:53 am      Reply with quote
Laughing Laughing ohmigod shylass and havana you're killing me! Laughter is indeed great medicine! Very Happy

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Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:36 am      Reply with quote
Hahahahaha you guys just keep 'em comin, I love it! I think the puns one was my favorite. A few I'd heard before, but not this one:

havana8 wrote:
3. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."


HAH! I love it.

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