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*** Your daily dose of laughs thread ***

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doba
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Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:19 pm      Reply with quote
Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What are Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
'Now, think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap.'
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Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:41 pm      Reply with quote
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said,

"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns"
Ruth
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Mon Mar 19, 2007 3:55 am      Reply with quote
Some of these are just too good to be true rofl

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. - very wise!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth

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Arielle
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Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:42 am      Reply with quote
This sounds like someone I just might know: Laughing

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kinston, North Carolina. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Mon Mar 19, 2007 11:03 am      Reply with quote
LIVING TO BE 80

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or
wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, as my former doctor said that all red
meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't" I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a
shit?"
Mossa
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Mon Mar 19, 2007 6:18 pm      Reply with quote
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
doba
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Wed Mar 21, 2007 9:42 am      Reply with quote
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0  to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football
5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
other favorite applications.  I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program.  Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .  It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to
alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!  Wife
1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs.  Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5   Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support
Ruth
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Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:17 pm      Reply with quote
I love your jokes doba! where do you get them from??

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Candy8865
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Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:51 pm      Reply with quote
Who's working here??

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,
Sitting on your ass at your computer, reading bad jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

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Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:53 pm      Reply with quote
That's awesome Candy Very Happy

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Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:49 am      Reply with quote
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other

Cool

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Sat Mar 24, 2007 12:01 pm      Reply with quote
For those who have sons & those of us who are happy that we don't.
Image
ImageImage
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And my son about to 'dive' onto the dog last summer....
Image

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Sat Mar 24, 2007 12:04 pm      Reply with quote
The real life of living with boys

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like ..

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "P B & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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MelissaMarie
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Sat Mar 24, 2007 12:28 pm      Reply with quote
too funny, I love the skateboard picture (right off the peir) lmao, and number 25!!!!
Thanks for the smile
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Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:17 pm      Reply with quote
L ve the pics and the anecdotes Laughing

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Mon Mar 26, 2007 10:05 am      Reply with quote
HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have."
basketballer
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Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:57 am      Reply with quote
thanks for sharing Laughing
doba
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Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:26 am      Reply with quote
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers~ Incredibly drunk and walking Home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:41 pm      Reply with quote
Ha Doba!

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Wed Mar 28, 2007 2:03 pm      Reply with quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8Yoehhy1w0

Classic! It's a real ... gas! Laughing
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Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:58 am      Reply with quote
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

another way to prank telemarketers... LOL

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Thu Mar 29, 2007 9:17 am      Reply with quote
Aphorisms

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 30 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
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Thu Mar 29, 2007 3:28 pm      Reply with quote
Dog & Cat Diaries:

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
doba
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Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:16 pm      Reply with quote
3-minute management course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bobs says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.
Sundew
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Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:04 pm      Reply with quote
This really isn't a joke but it is funny! Can't wait to show my dad Smile
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MT7NgewVV2Q

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