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obsessedshopper
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Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:21 am      Reply with quote
Thanks so much - I LOVE THIS!

havana8 wrote:
I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22 My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Kassy_A
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Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:25 pm      Reply with quote
Two ladies talking in heaven:

Wanda: Hi Kelly.
Kelly: Hi Wanda! How'd you die?
Wanda: I froze to death.
Kelly: How horrible!
Wanda: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Kelly: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Wanda: So, what happened?
Kelly: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Wanda: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥
SnowWhite
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Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:58 am      Reply with quote
This isn't a written out joke, which I'm horrible at remembering the punchlines to, but this website is pretty funny: www.museumoftheobvious.com. It kind of makes you think about what other "obvious" inventions should go on the website!
cfreak


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Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:00 am      Reply with quote
haha, some are funny though
SnowWhite
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Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:48 am      Reply with quote
haha,I'm glad you think so too! I like the one where he tries to make a giant sandwich!
Fox
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Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:07 pm      Reply with quote
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Text reads:

Quote:
Subject: I have a plan to stop global warming!

I was watching inconvenient truth the other day and theres the bit where it shows the sea level rising really high and flooding most of the world. Well i live near the sea, and don’t want to drown, so i got to thinking. Maybe if we lower the sea level a bit, when the water level rises then it won’t rise high enough to flood.
Anyway, heres the plan. Everyone who can should take a bucket of sea water and pour it down the sink. If lots of people put the effort in, we could lower the sea level substantially and create a better world for our children to live
sahmisme
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Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:52 pm      Reply with quote
noob ... HAHA!!!



Letters to God:
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Keliu
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Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:12 pm      Reply with quote
sahmisme - absolutely hillarious - loved them.

Here's a true story from a doctor:

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London . Dr. wouldn't submit his name
otherloulou
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 3:07 am      Reply with quote
A man was desperately late for a meeting with his boss, and when he arrived at his destination there were no parking spaces. Stressed and fretting he resorted to prayer. 'Dear God,' he said. 'If you can just help me find a parking space, I promise I'll go to church every Sunday'. Nothing happened, so he continued to drive round and round saying, 'And I'll give up drinking beer and gambling with my friends.' Still nothing. In desperation he looked heavenwards and said, 'And I'll be a good husband and stop cheating on my wife if you just find me a space'.

Suddenly, a space appeared right in front of him. The man pulled into it 'Never mind,' he said to God. 'I've found one!'
havana8
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 5:13 pm      Reply with quote
An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "You shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat."
havana8
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:06 pm      Reply with quote
an oldie but a goodie…

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
havana8
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:28 pm      Reply with quote
These old ads slay me... Shock Laughing

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havana8
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 7:06 pm      Reply with quote
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. Trembling, he said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in!"
havana8
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Thu Nov 06, 2008 7:36 pm      Reply with quote
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests. The last test had left his system so upset that for hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom. Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so decided to stay put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea! He was SOOOO embarrassed! Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and tossed them out the hospital window.

As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital at the same time. Suddenly, the sheets landed on him! He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly until he left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What in the world was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
otherloulou
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Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:12 am      Reply with quote
havana8 wrote:
These old ads slay me... Shock Laughing

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Laughing at Havana's jokes Laughing

This last ad reminds me of one someone showed me years ago of a macho looking guy with the slogan. 'Nothing but a Camel can satisfy me!'

Very Happy
Kat ~<3
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Sun Nov 09, 2008 2:51 am      Reply with quote
----- Spread the Stupidity



Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


________________________________

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

________________________________


Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

________________________________


Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

________________________________


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


________________________________


Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________


EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
________________________________


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
________________________________


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
________________________________


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
________________________________


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
________________________________


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
________________________________


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
________________________________


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
________________________________


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
________________________________


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
________________________________


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
________________________________


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
________________________________

Thought these were so cute! Laughing

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Jewels385
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Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:24 pm      Reply with quote
Very funny!

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SOLARTINA
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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:47 pm      Reply with quote
I have one:
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here."


A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"
Shylass
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Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:44 am      Reply with quote
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Christy
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Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:50 am      Reply with quote
Farts With Lumps
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

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Christy
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Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:52 am      Reply with quote
Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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Christy
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Tue Feb 10, 2009 1:55 am      Reply with quote
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!

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Christy
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Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:42 pm      Reply with quote
Here's some V-Day ideas:

3 women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a longtime wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a
leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

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Shylass
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Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:31 pm      Reply with quote
OMG, Fawnie! That is what married life is like (for most people). Laughing

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Christy
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Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:32 pm      Reply with quote
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top,
and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready
to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

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