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yeahyeah
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Thu Apr 12, 2007 3:29 pm      Reply with quote
A girl called jess keeps falling asleep in class
one day the teacher comes up 2 her and goes
JESSICA, TELL ME WHO DIED ON THE CROSS

jess is sleepin so a boy pokes her in the back with a pencil...
in shock she jumps and goes JESUS CHRIST!

CORRECT!

a min later jess falls asleep again and the teacher comes over and goes... JESSICA, TELL ME WHO CREATED THE WORLD
she doesnt reply so the boy pokes her in the back with a pencil again

Jess once again jumps in fright and goes GOD ALMIGHTY

CORRECT!!!

jess falls asleep again yet the teacher comes over and says
JESSICA WAT DID EVE SAY 2 ADAM AFTER THEIR 29TH CHILD?!

Jess is sleeping so the boy pokes her again
she is so annoyed that she stands up and says

IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA RIP IT OFF YA!!

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yeahyeah
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Thu Apr 12, 2007 3:35 pm      Reply with quote
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

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Fri Apr 13, 2007 7:21 am      Reply with quote
There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."
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Fri Apr 13, 2007 7:25 am      Reply with quote
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammondorgan, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and  scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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Fri Apr 13, 2007 7:31 am      Reply with quote
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop - dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop - dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
yeahyeah
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Fri Apr 13, 2007 11:16 am      Reply with quote
10 reasons to go into work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if its like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. Id love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 ever again.

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yeahyeah
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Fri Apr 13, 2007 11:18 am      Reply with quote
Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) - ihadcock@tru.co

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doba
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:22 am      Reply with quote
TEACHER:
Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:
Here it is.

TEACHER:
Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS:
Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:
You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:
Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER:
No, that's wrong

GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:
H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:
What are you talking about?

DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_______________________________

TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE:
I is...

TEACHER:
No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE:
All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:
Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER:
Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook
______________________________

TEACHER:
Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE:
No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:
A teacher
Caspers Mum
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 7:32 pm      Reply with quote
This is a true story about a wedding that took place at Clemson University (Clemson, SC).
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to Thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has cajones the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Shock
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:21 am      Reply with quote
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:55 am      Reply with quote
Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Pope Died.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe (again)

3. Pope Died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or
Liverpool needs another European crown
... please warn the Pope
doba
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Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:56 am      Reply with quote
doba wrote:
Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Pope Died.

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe (again)

3. Pope Died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or Liverpool needs another European crown
... please warn the Pope
puglove
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Thu Apr 19, 2007 2:27 pm      Reply with quote
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer.
"Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed ... And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied.

"And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
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Thu Apr 19, 2007 8:42 pm      Reply with quote
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

........pretty clean........ Rolling Eyes

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:55 pm      Reply with quote
Just emailed to me by DH:

A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco!

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Madam, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere".

The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"

The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"














"Lard ass.."

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Tue Apr 24, 2007 7:32 pm      Reply with quote
Haha, funny Smile
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Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:24 am      Reply with quote
THE COMPLIMENT

A woman,standing nude,looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."

He never heard the shot.

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Sat Apr 28, 2007 7:57 pm      Reply with quote
lol Laughing
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Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:13 am      Reply with quote
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks ,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes... "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same Instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Mon Apr 30, 2007 1:28 pm      Reply with quote
Caspers Mum wrote:
This is seriously too good not to share. Cruise the photos, and you'll probably laugh as hard as I did!

Laughing
http://www.cameltoe.org/mens.html


Laughing

that's a keeper Cool

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MelissaMarie
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Tue May 01, 2007 4:21 pm      Reply with quote
girldelvov wrote:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks ,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes... "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same Instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


ohh lauhged out loud
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Wed May 02, 2007 10:05 am      Reply with quote
Image
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Wed May 02, 2007 10:27 am      Reply with quote
girldelvov,
That's a good one Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Wed May 02, 2007 10:31 am      Reply with quote
Wild Cat wrote:
girldelvov,
That's a good one Laughing Laughing Laughing


Thank ya! My SO and I email jokes back and forth whenever we get the time, and I send him ones I find funny from here, and he finds others from coworkers or off the forum he belongs to. And if they're worthy, I share them on here Very Happy. Glad I can share a laugh

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Tue May 08, 2007 12:46 pm      Reply with quote
LIFESAVERS

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange..................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God, "They're ass-holes!"

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