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Sat Apr 14, 2007 6:29 pm  |
Hi all,
Let me start out by saying that I've been suffering from a bad case of PMS this time around. I've been really down lately and was hoping to get myself out of this spiral. Long story short...I'm 34. In early July I will turn 35, which scares me. I get depressed that in all this time, I haven't gotten married or had children. It even compounds the sadness to know that biologically time may be running out. Now, I know that 35 isn't old, but I just look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished during this time. It's true that I have my masters and a professional position, but truth be told I really wanted to be a mom. I had been in a relationship for 1 and a half years recently, that wasn't going anywhere. Now, we are just dating. I love him, but this is my last ditch effort to see if he will step up to the plate. I'm doing this so that at the end of the day, I'll know that I gave him a chance and it didn't work (I have a tendency of sabotaging). I'm not say that it's been just me. He has admitted that he could have done more to keep our relationship going. I just think that at times, I had been pretty needy and clingly as well.
I'm sorry I've been all over the map on this one. There is alot going on in my mind. I can't help but fear that I'll be alone the rest of my life. Pathetic isn't it? I just need to snap out of this and live my life. Lord knows that I won't find what I want by feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for letting me vent. |
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Sat Apr 14, 2007 6:43 pm |
You aren't alone ... I think everyone goes through those times. I think in todays times, that many women are waiting until they are older to have a child. My sister was 38 when she had her first and now has an adorable little girl. So don't let the age thing get to you. You still have many years left. There is still time for the right guy to come along (if it turns out not to be your current SO) and if not, well, there's nothing that says if you really want a child that you can't do that on your own. Or even if you got a bit older and then decided it was time ... what about adoption? (My boyfriend would really like a child and at 38 I'm pretty sure I don't want to go through the whole childbirth/taking care of baby stage, so my alternative to him was that I would definitely consider adopting a slightly older child). So time is never up ... there is always a way. It sounds like you have accomplished many other things in your life so far that you can be proud of ... there is still time to realize the other dreams you have.
I know, the getting older thing is tough, but the older I get, the less it gets to me. I think if you don't try to rush things ... that's when you'll find things fall into place.
Good luck!!  |
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Sat Apr 14, 2007 7:16 pm |
Try to cheer up, Skincare freak! I didn't meet my husband until I was 35 - I thought I'd NEVER marry...we got married a few months after meeting one another and I've never looked back! Congrats on getting your masters and making your mark professionally - there are many out there who would LOVE to have accomplished just that alone! I'm 42 and, as far as I'm concerned, the prospect of having kids is not out of the question...so try to squelch that noisy biological clock of yours..you still have plenty of time! Be kind to yourself....try to laugh as often as possible..(there's nothing hotter than a woman who can belly-laugh!)...It just might work out with your current flame after all...then again, maybe not...maybe someone deliciously new will come around the corner...You just never know! Anyways, big hug to you - I (and I'm sure others) are sending positive vibes your way!
puds |
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Sat Apr 14, 2007 10:48 pm |
You shouldn't freak out you have plenty of time. I am sure you hear that all the time and it really isn't helpful advice but you have to find someone who is right for you and you are doing the right thing by not settling for just anyone.
On a side note you say you feel like you have accomplished nothing with your life because you are not a mom. I am a mom and I want what you have, a career and to finish my degree. So remember we are all looking for something to complete ourselves. |
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Sun Apr 15, 2007 4:05 am |
Try not to let it get to you too much skincare. Im on my own and I do lie there in bed sometimes and have 'panic attacks' about my life. All my friends are married and I get really worried sometimes that im never going to meet someone.Im nearly 38! When i was younger i thought id be married by now.
Especially now my sons nearly 16, I just think what if he leaves home in a few yrs and im all on my own still:(
And your allowed to feel sorry for yourself sometimes, dont beat yourself up for it. How you feel is valid and important to you. I hope you feel better soon:)and get everything you wish for. |
_________________
39, in Australia, using retin a, Skin actives I Bright and Antiaging Cream, change sunscreen regularly currently. |
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Sun Apr 15, 2007 9:01 am |
Thanks Ladies! I truly do appreciate all your kind words and taking the time to respond to my pity party. 
Moonstarr: It seems like you have a great plan going. Have you started the adoption process yet? I haven't yet decided about adotption. I'm not sure. As far as having a child on my own, I'm not sure. I never had a good relationship with my dad, so I'd want my kid to have one.
Pudoodles: I'm right there now. I'm beginning to think that I'll never get there either.  As far as my current flame, I'm not sure he'll step up to the plate on the small things. So...in essence...I'm giving him a chance, but in my mind I have deal breakers that he does know about. We are working on seeing each other more. I have a set plan that he and I talked about. I've already decided if he goes against that plan for 3 weeks in a row then it's time for me to walk. If not, nothing will change on his part.
word~of~mirth: I agree the grass is always greener on the other side. You've accomplished alot as well. I mean you brough life into this world. It's never too late you can always go back and get your degree.
carol69: Thank you! I hope you get everything you wish for as well. 
Lost's of stuff is going on in my mind. I know I need to end things with M, but I guess I'm waiting until I've given it a chance. I think it's weighing on my mind heavily. I just can't wait until my period comes....(sigh) |
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Sun Apr 15, 2007 9:58 am |
I think we've all been there in one way or another. Normally, my advice is to think things through. But, sometimes, too much thinking can just make you crazy. Sometimes you just need to put it aside and take a break.
Dr. katee's feel better solutions: (1)a strenuous workout; (2)pamper yourself with a luxurious bath with fragrant candles and champagne (or your beverage of choice; and, if all those things fail (3) SHOPPING THERAPY !!! |
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Sun Apr 15, 2007 11:02 am |
| katee wrote: |
I think we've all been there in one way or another. Normally, my advice is to think things through. But, sometimes, too much thinking can just make you crazy. Sometimes you just need to put it aside and take a break.
Dr. katee's feel better solutions: (1)a strenuous workout; (2)pamper yourself with a luxurious bath with fragrant candles and champagne (or your beverage of choice; and, if all those things fail (3) SHOPPING THERAPY !!! |
Thanks katee I think I'm leaning toward the shopping therapy! The workout would've been great, but I'm cramping way too much. I'm going to try to keep myself busy and not think about this too much. |
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Sun Apr 15, 2007 12:01 pm |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
| Moonstarr: It seems like you have a great plan going. Have you started the adoption process yet? I haven't yet decided about adotption. I'm not sure. As far as having a child on my own, I'm not sure. I never had a good relationship with my dad, so I'd want my kid to have one. |
No, if it's something we decide to pursue it will still be a few years down the road, and something we'd need to talk about alot more than we have. And who knows, maybe in a year or two, I'll decide I want my own, although at this point, I can't see that happening. I blame it on not playing with dolls when I was a kid (I only played with barbie dolls and plastic horses) ... I don't think I developed that desire for a little baby ... over 2 years old ... no problem ... baby = scary!
I agree with Katee ... just try to put it all aside and I think when you do, that things will fall into place as they are meant to. |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 10:46 am |
| Moonstarr wrote: |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
| Moonstarr: It seems like you have a great plan going. Have you started the adoption process yet? I haven't yet decided about adotption. I'm not sure. As far as having a child on my own, I'm not sure. I never had a good relationship with my dad, so I'd want my kid to have one. |
No, if it's something we decide to pursue it will still be a few years down the road, and something we'd need to talk about alot more than we have. And who knows, maybe in a year or two, I'll decide I want my own, although at this point, I can't see that happening. I blame it on not playing with dolls when I was a kid (I only played with barbie dolls and plastic horses) ... I don't think I developed that desire for a little baby ... over 2 years old ... no problem ... baby = scary!
I agree with Katee ... just try to put it all aside and I think when you do, that things will fall into place as they are meant to. |
I understand why a baby would be scarey. It's alot of responsibilty. Plus, they can't tell you what is bothering them. Good luck Moonstarr! I'm sure it will all happen. |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 2:44 pm |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
Hi all,
Let me start out by saying that I've been suffering from a bad case of PMS this time around. I've been really down lately and was hoping to get myself out of this spiral. Long story short...I'm 34. In early July I will turn 35, which scares me. I get depressed that in all this time, I haven't gotten married or had children. It even compounds the sadness to know that biologically time may be running out. Now, I know that 35 isn't old, but I just look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished during this time. It's true that I have my masters and a professional position, but truth be told I really wanted to be a mom. I had been in a relationship for 1 and a half years recently, that wasn't going anywhere. Now, we are just dating. I love him, but this is my last ditch effort to see if he will step up to the plate. I'm doing this so that at the end of the day, I'll know that I gave him a chance and it didn't work (I have a tendency of sabotaging). I'm not say that it's been just me. He has admitted that he could have done more to keep our relationship going. I just think that at times, I had been pretty needy and clingly as well.
I'm sorry I've been all over the map on this one. There is alot going on in my mind. I can't help but fear that I'll be alone the rest of my life. Pathetic isn't it? I just need to snap out of this and live my life. Lord knows that I won't find what I want by feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for letting me vent. |
Ooooooo, boy! I'm 52 (divorced for ten years) and my youngest will graduate from high school in another year. I worry about the EXACT SAME THING .. what will I do if I'm <insert major gasp> ... A-L-O-N-E!?!? I find I date people for about a year, decide they're not marriage worthy, and move on. How many more times will I do this? How many more relationships will *I* sabatoge? Will I EVER get what I want? And would I even KNOW IT if it bit me?
I say "hang tight." Don't make any major changes you haven't already decided upon and wait to see what happens. Take thoughtful risks, and go for it!!! (That's what I tell myself to do, at least!) |
_________________
Cheers - Ruth/4sons 56 yrs. old, combination skin, getting tired ... |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:57 pm |
| 4sons wrote: |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
Hi all,
Let me start out by saying that I've been suffering from a bad case of PMS this time around. I've been really down lately and was hoping to get myself out of this spiral. Long story short...I'm 34. In early July I will turn 35, which scares me. I get depressed that in all this time, I haven't gotten married or had children. It even compounds the sadness to know that biologically time may be running out. Now, I know that 35 isn't old, but I just look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished during this time. It's true that I have my masters and a professional position, but truth be told I really wanted to be a mom. I had been in a relationship for 1 and a half years recently, that wasn't going anywhere. Now, we are just dating. I love him, but this is my last ditch effort to see if he will step up to the plate. I'm doing this so that at the end of the day, I'll know that I gave him a chance and it didn't work (I have a tendency of sabotaging). I'm not say that it's been just me. He has admitted that he could have done more to keep our relationship going. I just think that at times, I had been pretty needy and clingly as well.
I'm sorry I've been all over the map on this one. There is alot going on in my mind. I can't help but fear that I'll be alone the rest of my life. Pathetic isn't it? I just need to snap out of this and live my life. Lord knows that I won't find what I want by feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for letting me vent. |
Ooooooo, boy! I'm 52 (divorced for ten years) and my youngest will graduate from high school in another year. I worry about the EXACT SAME THING .. what will I do if I'm <insert major gasp> ... A-L-O-N-E!?!? I find I date people for about a year, decide they're not marriage worthy, and move on. How many more times will I do this? How many more relationships will *I* sabatoge? Will I EVER get what I want? And would I even KNOW IT if it bit me?
I say "hang tight." Don't make any major changes you haven't already decided upon and wait to see what happens. Take thoughtful risks, and go for it!!! (That's what I tell myself to do, at least!) |
thank you 4sons, I guess we all can be in the same boat. It makes me feel less alone when I know others are going through the same exact thing. |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 6:09 pm |
Ladies,
The PMS won out. I had a really difficult weekend and pretty much freaked out on him. I didn't mean to. I just feel like I'm not on the same page as him and I want more. I also feel like I will always lose when it comes to his daugther. She is the light of his life and for the past 2 years she has had more control over my relationship than I have. She is 6 btw. From day 1 if he has sat next to me or touched me it has bothered her and he stopped. There was a time, he used to call me babe. She told him not to call me that..guess what he stopped that too. At a year and 3 months, he was introducing me as his g/f and she stated, "that's not true, they are just friends." He never said anything to her. It took me asking then threatening to leave for him to say something. Why? Because he didn't want her to feel threatened. Something happened this weekend that was very small, but it was connected to her and that was my trigger. So...I pretty much told him how I felt. I had tried subtle ways before this time, but this weekend I held nothing back. I asked him why if he is that worried about his daughter feeling threatened by a woman in his life, would he bring someone there. Either he has a woman who is constant in his life or not. I brought up many issues that needed to be addressed.
I've worked with parents at my work. I've never met a parent like him. He is riddled with guilt. If she gets disappointed...he will do anything in his power to make her happy. Infact, she has learned how to manipulate the situation. Her sadness and disappointment will affect him too. He will call me and dwell on the fact that she got sad, at the same time that he is taking her to get her hair done.  The connection they have to each other is really unhealthy.
I know he feels bad. I feel bad too, but we had to address the elephant in the room. I told him that now I've addressed it, I can't continue. I can't settle for a part-time relationship. I don't know any woman who would be ok having a 6 year old control her relationship. I also told him that he is the adult and she is the child. He needs to set the pace for her...not the other way around. He listened and took it in instead of being defensive. I've stepped back and I've been giving him his space. Thank you all ladies, for your help. Hugs to you all!
Btw, he's told me many of times that if he didn't have her he wouldn't think twice about marrying me, but because she's in his life he needs to take it slow. |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 6:19 pm |
Oooooooo, I feel your pain!!! Been there, done that. GLAD you have, too. I know it hurts, hurts, HURTS, but you don't want to be the third wheel in that equation. I hate to tell you ... but kids just get MORE manipulative the older they get. And divorce guilt never goes away unless one takes ACTIVE steps to make that happen.
You are a brave, wise, woman!!! |
_________________
Cheers - Ruth/4sons 56 yrs. old, combination skin, getting tired ... |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 6:27 pm |
| 4sons wrote: |
Oooooooo, I feel your pain!!! Been there, done that. GLAD you have, too. I know it hurts, hurts, HURTS, but you don't want to be the third wheel in that equation. I hate to tell you ... but kids just get MORE manipulative the older they get. And divorce guilt never goes away unless one takes ACTIVE steps to make that happen.
You are a brave, wise, woman!!! |
I don't know how brave I really am. I feel like an idiot, but you know what...I'm an adult woman and I deserve an adult man. I spent my time as a child...I won't do it again.
Yes, she will get more savy IF he doesn't put a stop to it now! He's not really benefitting her in the long run either.
When we spoke earlier he stated that he did think of being more affectionate with me in front of her...and....
He mentioned that he knows he's gone overboard with her because of his guilt over the divorce. So...I'm not sure what those admissions really mean at this point. |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 6:30 pm |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
I don't know how brave I really am. I feel like an idiot, but you know what...I'm an adult woman and I deserve an adult man. I spent my time as a child...I won't do it again. |
Why do you feel like an idiot? You are brave because you chose your need to feel like an adult woman over your need to feel (sometimes) loved. MANY people choose quasi love over all else. You didn't and that is to be applauded!!   |
_________________
Cheers - Ruth/4sons 56 yrs. old, combination skin, getting tired ... |
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Mon Apr 16, 2007 6:33 pm |
thank you 4sons! I feel like an idiot that I allowed it to go on for so long...
I did tell him that I know I don't have to settle for this. I can find someone and be his woman...in ALL settings. |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 5:42 am |
He's probably torn also, it would be hard for him too. Alot of parents feel this way anyway, but to only be part-time there is always the guilt.
Having said that, I agree wholeheartedly with what you said...that little ratbag needs the swift kick (so to speak..  .) not you!! |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 6:44 am |
I realize that my life experience may not seem relevant to yours, but the underlying message IS. I was married for almost 25 yrs. I can't say I regret it because I have two amazing sons who grew up to be awesome men... no thanks to dad, who was always too busy or too irritated to have much to do with them. The thing is, I married him because I was the youngest child and terrified to be stuck with my mother (a needy and manipulative leech) even when I knew he really wasn't right for me. After 3 yrs of marriage, I left him, but he suckered me back with his devout swearing to change. As soon as I was pregnant with our first child, he reverted. 24 and a half yrs later, I finally found the courage to leave him. It was a horrific divorce and I ended up both penniless and forced to get a restraining order to protect myself. Two yrs later, I married a wonderful man who should have been my partner from the start. We have now been married for almost 3 yrs and every day is a honeymoon. "So what's the relevance?" you ask. I met him when I was 44.
Don't give up and don't settle. There really IS time enough for love. |
_________________
fair, blonde, oily, acne-prone, mature skin |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 7:41 am |
| Maybe his daughter has hopes of her parents getting back together and that is why she is so reluctant for him to date someone else? I'm sure it has nothing to do with you directly, she would probably be like that with anyone he dated. But really, after 2 years she should realize that's not going to happen. Your bf should sit down and have a long talk with her and let her know how much he cares about you, how much you make him happy, and that you aren't going anywhere. If he can really make her see that, then maybe she will be more accepting of the relationship. I think no little girl wants to see her dad unhappy. |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 8:49 am |
| melissa49 wrote: |
He's probably torn also, it would be hard for him too. Alot of parents feel this way anyway, but to only be part-time there is always the guilt.
Having said that, I agree wholeheartedly with what you said...that little ratbag needs the swift kick (so to speak.. .) not you!! |
melissa49: Yes, he is torn and I do understand that. I think he feels guilty that he picked the wrong partner to be with and now his daughter is paying for it....so to speak. I do believe that he needs to be more of a father to her than her friend. She definately needs to learn she is a child and he needs to learn that he needs to control the situation...not the other way around. Thank you. |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:09 am |
Velvettt: Thank you so much! I've been feeling the stress that time is running out...I so needed to read that. Your story has a lesson in it for me too. ((hugs))
Diana P: I hate to say it, but I think it's more about controlling her dad. Her mother left him for another man. She took their daughter with her. She taught her their daughter (not that I agree) to call this other man daddy. She and their daughter are living with this man (they are not married) and their daughter (A) loves him. She talks about her "daddy" all the time. If you talk to her she has two daddys. Her father knows that and hopes that her mother and her b/f get married for A's sake. Her mother's b/f sleeps with her mother, he hugs her mother, all in front of A. What is the difference? Her mother doesn't fall to the whim of 6 year old. She isn't swayed and she stays in control. I agree that he needs to sit down and talk to her and be firm, but the second she pouts he feels bad and gives in. Btw, she is a good pouter...she can teach some of us a thing or two. All three of us were at a restaurant. He tells her A, "L (me) came all the way just to see you." I looked at him in a very soft voice and stated, "I'm here to see you too." The second I said that her little eyes went down and she looked so sad. I felt so bad...I almost recanted. I'm glad I didn't because if he's not in my life, I'm not going to go there just to spend time with her. So...why lie to her? |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:41 am |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
Velvettt: Thank you so much! I've been feeling the stress that time is running out...I so needed to read that. Your story has a lesson in it for me too. ((hugs))
Diana P: I hate to say it, but I think it's more about controlling her dad. Her mother left him for another man. She took their daughter with her. She taught her their daughter (not that I agree) to call this other man daddy. She and their daughter are living with this man (they are not married) and their daughter (A) loves him. She talks about her "daddy" all the time. If you talk to her she has two daddys. Her father knows that and hopes that her mother and her b/f get married for A's sake. Her mother's b/f sleeps with her mother, he hugs her mother, all in front of A. What is the difference? Her mother doesn't fall to the whim of 6 year old. She isn't swayed and she stays in control. I agree that he needs to sit down and talk to her and be firm, but the second she pouts he feels bad and gives in. Btw, she is a good pouter...she can teach some of us a thing or two. All three of us were at a restaurant. He tells her A, "L (me) came all the way just to see you." I looked at him in a very soft voice and stated, "I'm here to see you too." The second I said that her little eyes went down and she looked so sad. I felt so bad...I almost recanted. I'm glad I didn't because if he's not in my life, I'm not going to go there just to spend time with her. So...why lie to her? |
Yes, children can become very manipulative from a very early age in situations like this, and they soon learn to play one person off against the other. She's probably feeling extremely jealous of you "taking her father away from her", whereas he's probably feeling very jealous of the other man in his daughter's life and wants to prove to her how much he loves her and that he is her real father. You're the poor unfortunate caught inbetween all of this.
Whilst I feel very sorry for her and can understand what she's going through, her behaviour won't improve unless her father starts showing her that you are important in his life too and that she must accept that. He shouldn't keep giving in to her when she tests him, otherwise she'll keep pushing and pushing to see how far he'll go for her.
She is obviously not a happy child and, instead of giving in to every demand she makes, he needs to show her that he will always love her and be there for her, giving her a sense of security, whilst not allowing her to dominate the situation and push you out of the picture. She should be encouraged to feel included and extremely welcome, but not allowed to take charge.
If you can, try to make friends with her, without looking as though you're trying to replace her mother. See if you can find some common ground and interests, but also ensure she has some time alone with her father too. Try to understand, too, what she's going through and that this is as difficult for her as it is for you.
It can't be easy for any of you in this. It'll be hard work, but if you and he are determined enough, you should be able to work through this.
Best of luck. |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:06 pm |
| majorb wrote: |
| skincarefreak wrote: |
Velvettt: Thank you so much! I've been feeling the stress that time is running out...I so needed to read that. Your story has a lesson in it for me too. ((hugs))
Diana P: I hate to say it, but I think it's more about controlling her dad. Her mother left him for another man. She took their daughter with her. She taught her their daughter (not that I agree) to call this other man daddy. She and their daughter are living with this man (they are not married) and their daughter (A) loves him. She talks about her "daddy" all the time. If you talk to her she has two daddys. Her father knows that and hopes that her mother and her b/f get married for A's sake. Her mother's b/f sleeps with her mother, he hugs her mother, all in front of A. What is the difference? Her mother doesn't fall to the whim of 6 year old. She isn't swayed and she stays in control. I agree that he needs to sit down and talk to her and be firm, but the second she pouts he feels bad and gives in. Btw, she is a good pouter...she can teach some of us a thing or two. All three of us were at a restaurant. He tells her A, "L (me) came all the way just to see you." I looked at him in a very soft voice and stated, "I'm here to see you too." The second I said that her little eyes went down and she looked so sad. I felt so bad...I almost recanted. I'm glad I didn't because if he's not in my life, I'm not going to go there just to spend time with her. So...why lie to her? |
Yes, children can become very manipulative from a very early age in situations like this, and they soon learn to play one person off against the other. She's probably feeling extremely jealous of you "taking her father away from her", whereas he's probably feeling very jealous of the other man in his daughter's life and wants to prove to her how much he loves her and that he is her real father. You're the poor unfortunate caught inbetween all of this.
Whilst I feel very sorry for her and can understand what she's going through, her behaviour won't improve unless her father starts showing her that you are important in his life too and that she must accept that. He shouldn't keep giving in to her when she tests him, otherwise she'll keep pushing and pushing to see how far he'll go for her.
She is obviously not a happy child and, instead of giving in to every demand she makes, he needs to show her that he will always love her and be there for her, giving her a sense of security, whilst not allowing her to dominate the situation and push you out of the picture. She should be encouraged to feel included and extremely welcome, but not allowed to take charge.
If you can, try to make friends with her, without looking as though you're trying to replace her mother. See if you can find some common ground and interests, but also ensure she has some time alone with her father too. Try to understand, too, what she's going through and that this is as difficult for her as it is for you.
It can't be easy for any of you in this. It'll be hard work, but if you and he are determined enough, you should be able to work through this.
Best of luck. |
marjorb: Thank you for that. It was a very insightful post. I completely agree. It is very difficult. In these past 2 years, I have been her friend. Infact, one weekend I've been his g/f (when she isn't there)...the next weekend I only spend time with A. He wants it that way. Everytime, I've been there I've spent hours in her room with just me and her. He and I are just acquaintances the weekends he has her. If she doesn't get the attention...she demands it. For example, she was trying to get my attention while he was driving and talking to me. I told her to hold on I was listening to her daddy. Oncee he'd be done, I'd turn my attention to her. She ended up kicking my chair because I listened to him a little too long.
To be perfectly honest, I know the problem is him. In talking with him yesterday, I reminded him the day all three of us were at a restaurant and he made two hearts. Each one went to his daughter telling her that she was "everything to daddy." As if the woman right across to him meant nothing. He called me later on and told me how bad he felt about that. He couldn't remember exactly doing that, but he knew I would remember it correctly (which tells me he did remember, but didn't want to admit it). It stayed with him all day. I told him yeah, that made [/b]me[b]feel bad to too. To answer your question, I have tried being her friend. As far as not taking her mother's place, in the beginning she did try to call me "mommy." I kept correcting her and telling her to call me L. When she wanted to play and have me play her mommy, I reversed it and had me be the child and she was the mommy.
The ball is in his court if he wants to change things. I've stepped back from the situation. He needs to be a father and be in charge. (sigh) He needs to see that. He needs to see alot of things. |
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Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:42 pm |
I'd like to offer a different perspective. I couldn't help but think of my own situation by reading some of the responses here. I'm not trying to get anyone to see anything differently, but maybe you guys will reconsider your stances after taking this into account.
My mom has been married to my dad for 23 years (although they've been separated numerous times, and have officially been split for two- I think tomorrow is the "anniversary" of that  ). He wasn't much of a loving husband, especially as I grew up and he treated my mom like dirt. He loved the bar more than us, basically. In April 2005, he left one day and didn't come back. It's been rough financially ever since then, and we've had a lot of close calls, but emotionally, my mom and I are soaring. We're free, independent women now and we can do whatever we want. My mom has her job, her priorities, and I have my college to look forward to and my priorities. Marriage ain't everything. Especially in her case, she's in her late 40s. Is she going to get married again? She'd laugh in my face. Why oh why would any woman want to leave a marriage just to tremble and look for another man again? Life isn't over in middle age- there's SO much more out there! I got out of a very stressful long-distance relationship last year that had me at my worst in my entire life- and once I realized HE GOTS TO GO, wow, everything was peachy. Love and relationships are great, but damn, so are taking bubble baths in a quiet, empty house, spending your own money whenever you please, and concentrating on whatever personal project or career that is sailing you through the best years of your life. Why do we feel the need to feel scared when we aren't accompanied by a romantic partner?
I realized this valuable life lesson after I got rid of Mr Insecurity (actually, he got rid of me, but the liberation is all mine, baby). It's kind of like a wake up call- DUH! Things are dandy with a man (or woman) by your side, but even if they aren't, hey, life is still bliss. I'll never trade all the nights I cried myself to sleep and suffered, for that epiphany.
To sum it up, no matter what your age, you don't have to be partnered with someone to feel good about yourself and appreciate your accomplishments. I'm back in the most wonderful relationship in my life, but you know, I'd be quite okay in the meantime if we had not...met. I blossomed into a strong woman after some guy who broke my heart. I was fortunate enough to go through that blossom with my current honey, but what attracted him to me was my free spirit- the revolution I went through after realizing, hey, romance isn't the be-all and end-all.
I suggest you sit down some night, make the room all warm and comfy and candlelit, slip into your best bath robe and slippers, and compile a list of things you have done, survived through and accomplished. Frame it, and read it everyday.
As well, ladies, just a light reminder- everyone can be a mother at any age. There are thousands of babies, children and adolescents in the world waiting to be loved. They may not be biologically yours, but it shouldn't stop you from opening your heart. If you haven't found whom you deem as Mr Right and the clock is ticking, well. Look into the eyes of a lost child and see what comes to you. |
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http://enlightenedzeal.livejournal.com/ <---Do you dare to change the world? |
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