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Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:43 pm |
Read somewhere that caregiving (usually aging parents) is one of the biggest stressors to women in the 40 - 50 age range. That would be me, and add to the mix a husband with a chronic health problem. Sometimes feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. What does everyone do?? How do we get thru this? |
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Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:32 pm |
Margot: Cocktails.
But seriously, you're right! A big problem for us boomers now is our aged parents + spouses + children + grandchildren + working to afford healthcare......the list just goes on & on, doesn't it!
My mum lives alone (her choice) in a distant town and I found a wealth of information thru the Senior Center in her area. Most metropolitan areas have some type of facility like this to provide resources and ideas for delegating tasks. Nursing Homes and Social Services at the hospitals have lists of resources too. This frees you up and gives your parents a sense of empowerment too, since they have a choice of what resources they'd like to use. Things like, someone to cut the grass, rides to the doctor or the store, activity groups, trips to the casino (!), Meals-on-Wheels, people who volunteer to fix things - there really is a ton of information on getting help.
And I think there are support groups for us - C.O.A.P. /Children of Aging Parents, I believe.
Blessedly, my mum is fiercely independent and wants to make her own choices, but some parents really are very dependent and needy. It would be hard to deal with this role reversal, especially when you have so many other demands. Don't even try to do it all yourself!!!
And kudos to you for starting this thread! I bet a lot of us have the same story and loads better advice than mine! Anyway you can always come here to vent!
Best wishes to you, Margot. |
_________________ ✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:05 pm |
Margot wrote: |
Read somewhere that caregiving (usually aging parents) is one of the biggest stressors to women in the 40 - 50 age range. That would be me, and add to the mix a husband with a chronic health problem. Sometimes feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. What does everyone do?? How do we get thru this? |
Oh Margot, I feel your pain!
To make a very long story short, and give you an idea of my situation to assure you your not alone, I'll summarize my tale of woe up for you.
The 'care-giving' for me consumed my whole life. I'm retired now, but was a nurse practitioner (and everything in between,) for more than 20 years.
When the work day (or night) was done, I came home to my two kids whom are both chronically ill (daughter blind with additional medical problems, son MS).... In short, I never seemed to get a minute away from sadness and sickness. There also was a year in my life when I had to spread myself thinner still, and take care of my mother who was very sick with Leukemia. As if that all wasn't enough, my father died a sudden death 3 months later....
For now my Mom is in remission and doing well (thank God!), and I'm getting a break only having to worry about my son.. I spend a great deal of my time helping him, and caring for my grand-kids, one of whom is Autistic.. (Trust me, the drama never ends).. My daughter is thankfully independent, and needs only financial help at this point.
So as I said before, I totally feel your pain, and know exactly how stressful it all can be.
So now to your question. "How do you get through it."....
-You absolutely must make time for YOU, without any guilty feelings. Whether it be a sibling that can pitch in, a friend or relative, or even a nurses aide or the like, that can give you a day or two off every week.
-I don't know your exact situation, or how medically involved it is, but outside nursing care even a few hours per day, can give you a much needed break.
-The most important thing you have to remember is not to feel guilty about any of it...NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT..
-And finally, take fawnie's advice, and definitely enjoy a cocktail (or 3) whenever the mood strikes you..
Cheers.... |
_________________ ♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:24 pm |
hehe and I like Kassy's emoticons too!!!
Who knows what others are coping with?
I should add that having faith in a higher power helps. Keeps things in perspective.
And give yourself credit for even CARING to do a decent job of it!! BOTH of you!!
Hugs. |
_________________ ✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 8:33 am |
Thanks so much fawnie and Kassy! I'll have to find a caregivers support group because even with two responses I feel better!
Kassy, my husband has MS also! He just underwent stereotactic radiosurgery for trigeminal neuralgia, which we're lucky to have, also the Beta-Interferons that weren't available twenty years ago. But it's a treacherous disease. My heart goes out to your son (and daughter too).
Taking care of my mom is doubly hard because she's not lifting a finger to take care of herself. If nothing else, it's teaching me I don't want to be one of those people sitting all day waiting to die.
Unfortunately, I'm a teetotaler , but have been known to indulge in a tranq now and then |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:43 am |
Yesterday's New York Times started a blog for caregivers. It's still there today with over 500 responses. There are others that are more specific as to daily living problems. I can only read so much of that, after a while it stops helping for that day, but it does help to put things into perspective for me. This country has to find a way to deal with this mess. Especially for women. Do you know that if your husband is handicapped etc., you can keep your house and car and then you have to "spend down" to $79,000. of your life savings before Medicare will pay for his care? then what is left for you? And nothing for your children from everything you worked for all your life.
Why is no one talking about this injustice? |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:02 am |
Oh Margot, I know you have your hands quite full. If you ever need an ear, or just want to vent, feel free to get in touch anytime.
From what you said about your Mom not lifting a finger, it could be that she is just loving the attention from you, so be careful not to let it get overwhelming...A favorite expression from my dearly departed Irish Grandmother was; "The more you do, the more your let do". Perhaps keeping that in the back of your mind will keep things in check..
The best thing for 'Mom' is to do as much as she can for herself, so her quality of life remains somewhat independent as long as possible. Perhaps assuring her you'll be there every step of the way, will get her motivated again..
On to the MS....I thank God everyday for the Interferon's that are available today, to *help* slow down the progression of this terrible disease. My son was diagnosed at 18 after I drove 2 Doctors crazy to give him an MRI....All I heard was, "he's too young for that", "wait a few years"....Lo and behold, I persevered and unfortunately was right...But the good thing, is it's progressing slower than it would have, had I waited for the next exacerbation.. (He's 32 now, and his eyes unfortunately have taken the worst hit, with optic neuritis twice, each time taking away a little more vision). The rest of it is progressing more slowly.
I hear ya, regarding the 'tranq's'... |
_________________ ♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:10 am |
existential lady, you have said a mouthful!
Don't even get me started on that topic..
In the mean-time, I'm off to the casino with DH to get away from it all for a few hours... |
_________________ ♥I'm flattered by all the lovely PM's, but I don't get here much these days. Please don't be afraid to post your quearies to other DIY members who will be glad to help you (or sell you their wares..lol) Still happy with LED, dermarolling and a DIY antioxidant regime. Peace & Hugs to all.♥ |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:36 am |
Reading about the pain of others and life's unfairness, especially when it comes to children, is enough to drive one to insanity, nihilism and a few other even worse things. The only way to bear it is to have a support group of friends and an online one too really helps. And some escapism on EDS and other places takes one's mind off things. I know my daughters think I have gone off the deep end with the skin obsession, but if I find it therapeutic, so be it. Love to you all and thanks for being there. |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:43 am |
existential lady wrote: |
Do you know that if your husband is handicapped etc., you can keep your house and car and then you have to "spend down" to $79,000. of your life savings before Medicare will pay for his care? then what is left for you? And nothing for your children from everything you worked for all your life.
Why is no one talking about this injustice? |
I know, isn't it outrageous?? My mother in law is in this position now. As for my mom, I looked into "gifting," so I could invest some of her money, but the IRS scrutinizes records up to six years prior to make sure you aren't doing this.
I'm 52 and working full time and will be so I can pay mom's expenses and hubby's too. No end in sight, argh!
Yeah, Kassy I totally get that. My mom's pretty passive aggressive, and has "jerked my chain" for years. Even though she's old and sick I have had to say "No" sometimes!
And yes, optical neuropathy...husband has suffered exacerbations involving this too... |
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Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:12 pm |
Margot: Yup I get it about the passive-aggression. That's what p***es me off the most!! Teach her to fish, so to speak. Does your dad buy into that, or what does he do about it?
Have you thought about making a time for yourself that is sacrosanct and nothing can infringe upon? Like a yoga class, a painting class, a walk time with a friend, a massage appointment, a facial, or just *saying* you have a class you have to go to, anything just to build in time away from it all.
I know you feel sometimes like your head's about to burst, so maybe learning to take "mini-breaks" by deep-breathing, a cup of green tea, spacing out, a silent prayer, or just an "inner SCREAM"!!! Anything to break the stress cycle.
Do you keep your energy up by exercise and good nutrition? Don't become a casualty yourself, Sweetie.
I wonder how much support do you get from your husband. Your kids? Can they be enlisted as delegates in some way?
I sure don't know your whole story, and don't mean to be a know-it-all, just some suggestions.
I feel for ya, kid! And bless your heart for looking for ways to deal with it before it gets outta control. |
_________________ ✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:53 am |
All great suggestions, thanks fawnie! I lost my beloved dad to throat cancer (a note to all of you smokers! please please please quit!)eight years ago. He was really passive and aways gave in to her tantrums. Even my sis moved to Florida so she didn't have to deal with mom!
I'll take care of her for the rest of her time on this earth, but I resent it and boy do I feel guilty about that! |
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Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:10 am |
Margot I'm sorry to hear about your dad...and that your sister has bailed out of it.
That's really commendable of you to feel responsible & offer to take care of your mom, but I have just this to say:
Could you sit down with Dear Mum & have a heart-to-heart without it degenerating into a drama session? She needs to have some limits set and better late than never! If she is to enjoy the security & luxury of your tender loving care for the rest of her natural life, she needs to be love-able. She could make it a little easier on everyone by making her own choices and being an adult. And do not feel guilty for resenting her - That's what she wants you to feel so that you remain in her grasp forever. Just reading about it makes ME resent her!! Has she seen her doctor? Maybe depression is making her miserable. Maybe a confrontation with her doctor as a mediator would help.
My husband's mother is the same way. He & his one sister had to move away to get out of her claws, but his other (50 year old!) sister is still living at home with her mother and is now an emotional cripple because she let herself by controlled by it. At some point my husband just had to get tough and say "No". His father has passed away, Bless his heart, he never put his foot down with her.
Your mom could get a life and make friends and not make you her slave, but that would take effort, but it sounds like she wants everyone ELSE to make the effort.
Don't feel guilty! You've got a perfect right to be your own person now that you are an adult not a toddler. Do what you have to do to make sure she is having her basic needs met and SCRAM!!
Sorry to go on & on. This is my parting advice:
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THEM HOWL!
Good luck and God Bless.
fawnie |
_________________ ✪ My go-to products: MyFawnie.BigCartel.com ✪ |
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Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:40 pm |
I have Fibro and it was hard enough just to make it through the day. I am so,so tired and my body hurts all the time.I have spent so much time and money trying to just be normal.I feel like I am in daze most of the time.
My husband has had a series of things.Nothing life threatening like some of you.
I escape in skin care and a few forums.
Now,when I feel so drained I will think of you guys and send you a little prayer.
It will make us all feel better.
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Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:34 am |
My mom is also unable (and unwilling) to do things herself (stroke vision problems hip problem) and has gotten incapable to help herself. I work full time my sibs do not help out and I also have health problems.
Margot: You need to have you time. We got a wonderful woman who comes for a few hours 4 days a week. She is not from an agency just a retired older lady. My mom loves her and it takes the pressure off. You can not do this alone, you need time off and you need to say NO sometimes. |
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:55 pm |
Ok, it's two months later, and mom is still declining from dementia and metastatic colon cancer.
I'm worn down to a nub (lost 15 lbs), have nightmares every night, had to cash in a CD to pay for her care, etc.
My husband and I haven't had a weekend to ourselves for two years (when she first got sick).
Is it selfish to think that there will be some relief when she finally passes because I need a break? It's not about me, I know that, but it kind of is too... |
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 4:28 pm |
I just want to say BLESS YOU! To all you ladies taking care of your families...
I watched my mother care for her mother for about 5 years. Grandma moved in, it seems, within weeks of me moving out. It was tough. We were able to keep her home until the end. Which was probably the most rewarding. But watching my parents care for her was exhausting...
Definitely do what you can to care for yourself. Take some alone time, get a massage when you can... and LAUGH when you can...
Best to all of you! |
_________________ Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 4:57 pm |
Margot wrote: |
Is it selfish to think that there will be some relief when she finally passes because I need a break? It's not about me, I know that, but it kind of is too... |
I am so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Your feelings are entirely natural and normal. There is nothing selfish about wanting to preserve some quality of life for yourself and your husband while sacrificing so much to care for your mother. I would support you in finding whatever stolen moments and pleasure you can in each day. And if there is any way possible to run away with your husband to a motel for a weekend... |
_________________ 50+, fair brown/brown, Obagi, L2K, AALS; battling: pigmentation, crepeyness, sag |
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 6:55 pm |
Many many thanks ClaudiaFE & tessera. As you can see from earlier posts, other caring folks such as yourselves were telling me to take care of myself also. I don't think I've done a very good job of that and have been sick with one thing after another, and I'm one of those people who never got sick, never!
I just feel horribly guilty when I think about myself and my own life, when mom's about to lose hers.
Thank you so very much for the kind words. They help! |
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Wed Sep 02, 2009 10:05 pm |
Margot, I think that's perfectly normal... I guess I would say... If you want to give your mom the best care possible, you need to be at your best. And the only way to do that is to take care of yourself.
Hope you get better soon. I know how hard it is to take care of anyone when you're sick. Hang in there...
Oh, also, when it comes time, DO NOT HESITATE to contact hospice. They offer so much help, and they are wonderful people. They also offer group sessions to cope with all the emotions that you are going through, and will continue to go through... In the mean time, take all the help you can get. If you have friends offering to help, then post a list of things that need to get done on your fridge. They can pick and choose when they come over.
Many hugs to you! |
_________________ Claudia of FlexEffect... 43, fair skin, occasional breakout, Using ECO FROG (my own=disclaimer), and TrueScience (I also sell this)... Happy with that...Come visit on FB! |
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Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:44 am |
BIG HUGS AND MANY PRAYERS TO ALL CAREGIVERS OUT THERE!!!
I thought my situation was tough, I am caregiver of my Dad end stage CHF dementia pancreatitis (spelling)? Many other health problems, he has struggled to be as independent as possible. The last 8 months have just been a steady decline Doc told me losing muscle mass is part of the CHF. Now he is completely bedridden food must be pureed liquids thickened, bathed in bed the list is endless diapers included.
I find it hard no matter how many times I hear it to take time for me I feel s selfish!
I know everyone is right but it is really hard, this is a man I have been so blessed to have as my father I want to do all I can to make what time he has comfortable in a setting where he knows he is loved. It is soooo draining though!
Again God bless you all! It helps to have people to share with. |
_________________ I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:50 am |
Margot wrote: |
I just feel horribly guilty when I think about myself and my own life, when mom's about to lose hers. |
I just want to say, as a daughter and a mother, that a child ought never to feel guilty about surviving a parent - that is the natural order of things. You must know that your mother would not want her gift of life to you to be wasted on guilt. You are caring for her at the end of her life and that is also a precious gift. One of the best things a child can do for a parent is to be happy. |
_________________ 50+, fair brown/brown, Obagi, L2K, AALS; battling: pigmentation, crepeyness, sag |
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Fri Sep 04, 2009 7:07 am |
I am also a mom, four children, the youngest 20 year old daughter still living at home.
My guilt is not about surviving my parents, it is irrational I know but I feel guilty if I am doing anything to indulge myself! I've spent 29 years of parenting and still counting, now at 55 I am "parenting" my dad. |
_________________ I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:21 am |
My thoughts and best wishes are with you Dark Moon, I know it's a constant conflict. I think we will come out stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from these experiences, but it's so hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it. |
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Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:42 am |
Thanks Margot I agree with all you say. I know somehow we will get through, and I will miss my dad when he is gone, yet I know he is getting to the point where he doesn't want this anymore. He was always a rock and at the same time a total pussycat. For me it hurts to see that beautiful man slip away day after day.
All my best wishes and prayers are with you and all who are in the same shoes.
Rona |
_________________ I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON.... |
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