Contribution in down payment with your bf/ husband?
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free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:29 pm

I'm having a dilemma here. My bf or future husband and I are planning to get a condo. I have more savings than he does. So here comes the problem, would you ladies contribute more to the down payment for the condo than the guy? I mean do u mind doing that knowing that he probably won't be able to return the extra contribution back to u? I know it's hard to obtain an equalness or fairness sometimes but my parents, siblings, and frds are saying that it's not a good idea as when financial problems arise, we might have arguments.

But as u all know, the more down payment u put down, the less interest u would have to repay to the bank. So at the end, it only benefits the bank if I'm contributing less just cuz my bf/ future husband can't contribute more.

So yeah anyways, I just feel that it's not fair I need to contribute more just cuz I have more savings. So what do u ladies think then? I really need help! Sad

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:46 pm

hhm...I know some of u might feel that I'm selfish? But the point here is, I tried hard to save money all the time and on the other hand, he's not trying hard enough to save money. He spends when it's not necessary.

So I just feel that it's not quite fair... Confused

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:30 pm

There's nothing nicer than romantic bliss when your young and in love.... Very Happy

Hopefully that feeling will survive as long as your mortgage...

I'd be all for putting more money down because that's in your best interest, but you should get something in writing, to assure that you get your fair share back (percentage wise), if anything were to turn topsy turvy before the mortgage is paid off, or at least until you take the stroll down the aisle... In other words, be prepared for the worst..

With all that said, I wish you the best of luck, and many happy decades of wedded bliss.

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:41 pm

Since you are not going to be married before you purchase the condo I would do a 50-50 purchase. Are you two living together now? Do you have seperate bank accounts, etc? Also, I would advise you to seek help regarding the wording of the loan and the deed. IMO there are no guarantees in life. Who knows what can/could happen between now and the day you get married.

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 4:53 pm

It's iffy. Husband is one thing, but boyfriend is another... Future husband- so are you engaged yet? Is he making around the same as you (and just saves a lot less)?

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:48 pm

Stardustdy wrote:

hhm...I know some of u might feel that I'm selfish? But the point here is, I tried hard to save money all the time and on the other hand, he's not trying hard enough to save money. He spends when it's not necessary.

So I just feel that it's not quite fair... Confused

I detect a note of resentment here and if so it'll multiply x's 1000 if you put more than 50% down. My advice is, if you can afford to lose it, then do it, otherwise don't even think about it!!!

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:08 pm

well basically we're making about the same amount of money but he needs to help out his family once in awhile...which is a hundred or thousand here and there. He would also give $$$ to his younger brother just cuz he asked for it. The thing is, his brother is 23 and old enough to find a job to support his own expense for god's sake! That's why he doesn't have much savings.

Well, we're not really officially engaged yet but are planning to get married sometime down the road... We're not living together at the moment.

May I ask why you ladies are willing to contribute more just cuz he's your husband and not your bf? I mean there's still a chance that we might divorce even though we're married...

sigh...it's so~ true that money is a touchy subject... and when money is discussed, things might not look good. Sad

free skin care · Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:45 pm

Legally there's a huge difference in division of assets when a married couple are divorcing and when housemates split up. AFAIK common law wives haven't a leg to stand on if assets are in dispute, unless of course they have a legally drawn up agreement as to how everything is to be divided up in the case of a split.
From your posts, it seems to me that you and he place a different value on money and how it should be spent. I'm sure if you check statistics, you'll find one of the main causes of divorce in marriages is disagreement about money.
Buying property is an enormous financial responsibility that you'll have to live with for years, so I would re-emphasize my original advice.......if in doubt...DON'T!!!

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:05 am

I agree -- buying real estate together when you haven't even lived together? Why??

The top three points of contention in relationships, according to latest statistics, are:

1. Money
2. Sex
3. Division of Household Chores

Because all of these things mean much more than what they appear. Power. Love. Commitment. Loyalty. Competence. Control. Greed. Selfishness. Gender roles. Entitlement. Compromise.

IMO, you don't sound ready to buy a place with your boyfriend. If you are a committed couple, then your couplehood is more important than your singledom. You pay as much of a down payment as you possibly can together, because of the lower monthly payments. Keeping your money in the bank, just to prove a point, does not profit either one of you.

A very wise saying about marriage: Never marry anyone you wouldn't be willing to go into business with.

All that said, I concur about the contract and loan and ownership. It is perfectly fine to divide things by percentages. (I think each should have his/her own account after marriage, too, and contribute a percentage of their salary to the household budget. But that's me.) My old duplex was sold to a lovely gay couple. One owned 99%, the other, 1%. I'm sure this is to make sure the house goes to the partner in case the big buyer dies. My point is: these contracts are just part of the normal order of business.

And there is a BIG difference between a boyfriend you might marry "sometime down the road," and a husband.

I can't wait to hear how you divide up the kids! Laughing

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:46 am

well I guess I haven't really tell the entire story yet...

Although we don't really live together at the moment but I sleep over at his place every wknd and the wk nights occasionally too. His parents & my parents did discuss our marriage in the near future but it's just that there's no set date yet as my parents prefer us to have our own place first before getting married.

That said, his parents offer to contribute a small amount to the down payment. So that amount is more like a dowry/ dower?? or something... So my question here is, would u ladies mind contributing maybe 50% more towards the down payment because his parents helped out too? Or still 50/50 with your bf/ future husband? ... Well, I did offer to use that "extra amount" to pay for all the furnishings in the place if it's not going to the down payment to balance things out?

Anyways, sry if I'm offending anyone here or if I sounded so~ stupid but I just want some opinions from u ladies here that are more experienced than me perhaps. Confused

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:46 am

It is a better financial decision to put the extra money onto the house (not furniture - it does not appreciate in value over time!).

Be smart both financially and emotionally: if you make, for example, 60% of the downpayment then write out an agreement with your boyfriend that states something along the lines of "should the property be sold, I receive 60% of the proceeds, while Joe Boyfriend receives 40%"..or whatever split and wording makes you comfortable.

It doesn't have to be complicated and you don't have to go to a lawyer - make sure the note is handwritten in ink, dated, and signed by the two of you with a witness.

It is likely (given your differing tendancies to spend) that you may end up making more of the mortgage payments than he does...and buying the furnature yourself too. I would like you to make the best decision for yourself, and have seen many situations like this that did not turn out favourably for the financially responsible partner. If you are not married yet, put something in writing to protect you as a common-law partner.

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:17 am

I think it depends on how you feel about money. If you can truely say that it doesn't matter if you lose the money then I'd say go ahead with it. Otherwise if you deep down resent putting more in then it will only be an irritant that might result in you eventually splitting up.

Legally as everyone has said it is very different if you buy when you are married versus not. This matters if his current spending/saving patterns currently bother you and if you would care if you provided more of the living expenses.

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:28 am

myamax, I understand furnitures have no value overtime but we still need furnitures for our new place. So if I'm to pay the extra down payment, most likely I'll be paying for most of the furnitures too.

And I do talk to him about the money issue. He said if it were him, he wouldn't mind contributing more than me for anything...

I'm really stressful over this. My parents and sister said unless he can repay u the extra amount, then yeah go ahead and put down more now. But they said from the look of it, it'll be hard for him...so they said just put down 50/50... Also, they said it's always good for a woman to have some savings of her own just in case if a relationship doesn't work out... Sad

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:49 am

You should take your family's good advice!

Whatever extra cash you have could be invested in a good retirement account for the future in your name only.

I think that every woman should have a great big secret stash to assure her independence just in case the worst were to happen in a relationship. Or just for the hell of it. We work darn hard and shame on us if we have nothing to show for it.

As for DB saying "if it were him, he wouldn't mind contributing more than me for anything..." Rolling Eyes

I say prove it! If he really wants to be full and equal partners, he could always get a side job to show you his commitment and intent..

I'm so sorry if I'm coming off negative here, because it's really not my intent. I've just known so many women who were taken advantage of, and some of the things you have mentioned just struck my memory chord as the first signs of impending doom.

Just be careful, and above all protect yourself legally....(If it ain't in writing, it ain't so..)

free skin care · Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:03 pm

Good - I am glad your family is looking out for your best interest!

And it is a good idea to have some money in an 'emergency fund' as well. That said, the roof might leak and your emergency fund may immediately disappear into fixing that...and you have yet again contributed more than your partner into this venture with nothing in writing saying when the time comes to sell, those expenses are considered when dividing up the revenue from the sale if you two go your separate ways (if you buy another place together no worries!)

Even if you two are planning on splitting mortgage payments 50/50 (as well as the down payment) you still should think about putting something in writing saying any 'additional money/extra's' are to be taken into consideration when dividing up profits from the future sale of the place.

Where I have seen people run into trouble is when one person has contributed more (paid the mortgage more often, paid for major repairs or renovations, new appliances, significantly larger down payment etc.) but it is not written anywhere that those 'extra's' will be accounted for when it comes time to sell the house. House got sold, common-law partners separated and stuff was legally divided 50/50...except that she may have paid 5K more on the downpayment and then another 5K came from her account to put new shingles on the roof and another $800 for a hot water tank, none of which was accounted for when the sale revenue was divided between the two of them.

You will likely end up having to buy the furnature yourself. However, regardless of that, it's in writing that expenses will be tracked and differences in contribution will be considered if the time ever comes to sell. Then you are covered and you don't have to worry about the 'what if's'.

I am sure he wouldn't mind contributing more - most people don't - the issue doesn't arise unless things don't work out. I really must stress putting something in writing re: money that goes into improving the property while you own it (regardless of whethe you put the same amount down for a downpayment)

I am almost 8 years older than yourself and when I bought my place I was on my own (didn't have this situation you have!) If it helps, know that buying your first place is really stressfull no matter what situation you are in! You will be glad to know the next decisions tend to get easier:)

Good luck!

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:27 am

anya wrote:

Stardustdy wrote:

hhm...I know some of u might feel that I'm selfish? But the point here is, I tried hard to save money all the time and on the other hand, he's not trying hard enough to save money. He spends when it's not necessary.

So I just feel that it's not quite fair... Confused

I detect a note of resentment here and if so it'll multiply x's 1000 if you put more than 50% down. My advice is, if you can afford to lose it, then do it, otherwise don't even think about it!!!

I agree with this. Unless you're 100% okay with this, it could well cause arguments in the future.

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 10:17 am

Thanks ladies for all the helpful replies.

So any of u ladies here actually contribute more towards the down payment without having a written agreement with your husband? I wonder how many of u here actually have arguments over money matters? Confused

hhm...the statistics on google somewhere said money is one of the reason for argument which I think most of the time it's quite true.

I guess we all hate to work and also know that it's very hard to make money thru our hard work. So since money's so hard to come by, it makes everyone of us very cautious about how we spend it... hhm a bit off topic here

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:42 pm

Because my dh started a business which had real problems after 911 due to the bad behavior of big corps (used as an excuse for paying small companies late) I did have a period where I paid most (all) of our expenses. He did not lay people off he just did not take a salary (he is a very sweet person who would help anybody he cared for).

Because we are not really into the prestige/stuff game it does not really matter to either of us. That is partially because my salary is good enough to live reasonably well but not lavishly. But that is why I asked what is important to you (and what your situation is). You do not want to get trapped because you have financially tied yourself up.

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 2:18 pm

sharky, I guess when two ppl are in a relationship, u would definitely help each other out if either one has problems... Of course in a relationship, there must be a balance of give & take in order for it to work.

In your situation, I mean if u don't help out your husband with the financial matters, then what's he gonna do? You won't want to see him asking around for money and stuff. Btw, would u even bother asking him to repay u? Or it doesn't really matter between the two of u?

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:18 pm

I find some of this odd to me. IMO when you are married the money is no longer his and hers, its ours. To me it didn't matter who had more money when DH & I were married. If it were me I'd be thinking we could have a lower mortgage payment if I put more down, to me that would be more important then keeping a separate savings for myself. I think its ridiculous to ask for a repayment...are you going to be roommates or husband and wife? Of course this is JMO and you have to do what makes you feel right.

But and this is a big but, I wouldn't make the purchase until married and just shortly before the wedding.

Over the years we have been married some years I made more, some year DH made more, it honestly didn't matter who made what to us. We have joint checking, savings and investments. This has never been a problem for us.

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:26 pm

Maybe I am one of the last romantics left! What happened to love and trust? My only suggestion? Think hard - what if the tables were turned? What if you were him and he was you?

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:18 pm

GirlieGirl wrote:

I find some of this odd to me. IMO when you are married the money is no longer his and hers, its ours. To me it didn't matter who had more money when DH & I were married. If it were me I'd be thinking we could have a lower mortgage payment if I put more down, to me that would be more important then keeping a separate savings for myself. I think its ridiculous to ask for a repayment...are you going to be roommates or husband and wife? Of course this is JMO and you have to do what makes you feel right.

But and this is a big but, I wouldn't make the purchase until married and just shortly before the wedding.

Over the years we have been married some years I made more, some year DH made more, it honestly didn't matter who made what to us. We have joint checking, savings and investments. This has never been a problem for us.

I don't understand why u wouldn't make the purchase until married or shortly after. Another forum member was saying that legally there's a difference in terms of splitting assets. But just say if I pay more for the down payment, and just say if we're seperating, I still lose if the property is sold for 50/50 both of us...

GirlieGirl, it's nice that u & your husband can share everything in one account but not everyone can do that. My situation is a bit different. He needs to help out his family from time to time...if my money is his money, then that means he's taking my money to help out his family consistently which doesn't benefit me at all... The fact that he's always helping out his family means I might need to pay for his share of the expense to run the condo which I think is totally unfair. I mean there's a limit one can take... In my point of view, if there's no balance in a relationship between give & take, I don't think it's gonna last. Also, what if he dumped or divorced me in the future, then I have no savings left whatsoever to support myself cuz I put it all down at first.

Anyways, I guess it's always good to look after yourself. It's good to be able to trust your partner till the end of time but there's always this "What If" incident... He might change or I might change, I mean who knows what's gonna happen in the future.

free skin care · Thu Jul 10, 2008 10:10 pm

Stardustdy wrote:

I'm really stressful over this. My parents and sister said unless he can repay u the extra amount, then yeah go ahead and put down more now. But they said from the look of it, it'll be hard for him...so they said just put down 50/50... Also, they said it's always good for a woman to have some savings of her own just in case if a relationship doesn't work out... Sad

Stardustdy, I don't mean to intrude, but how long have you been dating him?

Unless you have been dating him a very long time (like years) I would personally buy a place where you can each afford to put down 50%, and each pay 50% of the rent...especially when you each make about the same amount of money. After all, I am sure it is not the last place you will live in together!

OR get a rental together while HE saves some more. (this is actually the path I would take) Honestly, he sounds a bit "free" with his money, and what is it going to be like when he is used to you covering things for him financially? And if his family needs help, how/why are they managing to come up with money for his downpayment?

OR, you buy the place in your name, and charge him rent. And he can put some of that money down toward furniture that you can split up if necessary down the road!

At the end of the day, YOU have to look out for YOU. Once you are officially married, then it may be time to look at things a little differently...but I'm not sure you are there yet.

free skin care · Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:28 am

bethany, we've been dating together for close to 2yrs. We're not married yet but are planning to early next yr.

His parents don't really need that much help but it's just that my bf feels he's supposed to give them money once in awhile... and it's usually not a small amount.

well I really appreciate all u ladies feedback. I guess I'll see what I can do...

free skin care · Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:39 pm

Stardustdy wrote:

I don't understand why u wouldn't make the purchase until married or shortly after. Another forum member was saying that legally there's a difference in terms of splitting assets. But just say if I pay more for the down payment, and just say if we're seperating, I still lose if the property is sold for 50/50 both of us...

GirlieGirl, it's nice that u & your husband can share everything in one account but not everyone can do that. My situation is a bit different. He needs to help out his family from time to time...if my money is his money, then that means he's taking my money to help out his family consistently which doesn't benefit me at all... The fact that he's always helping out his family means I might need to pay for his share of the expense to run the condo which I think is totally unfair. I mean there's a limit one can take... In my point of view, if there's no balance in a relationship between give & take, I don't think it's gonna last. Also, what if he dumped or divorced me in the future, then I have no savings left whatsoever to support myself cuz I put it all down at first.

Anyways, I guess it's always good to look after yourself. It's good to be able to trust your partner till the end of time but there's always this "What If" incident... He might change or I might change, I mean who knows what's gonna happen in the future.

Star - The reason I said about not making the purchase until married or just shortly before is because I read some uncertainty in your posts. You are already thinking what if we get divorce. You are obviously concerned about loosing your money. This seems to be causing you alot of stress. I would not be entering into a real estate purchase or marriage if you not 100% sure and comfortable with it all.

From what you have said so far, it sounds like you disagree with how he spends his money right now. Have you discussed this with him and how it will change after you are married? It sounds like his spending right now will cause fights later if it does not change and especially if he does not know how you feel about it.

There are a few things in marriage that I think couples should agree upon (or agree to disagree and be truly ok with that) ....money, religion, kids.

But like I said you have to do what makes you feel comfortable. Just be sure its what you really want.

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