To Marry or Not To Marry?
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free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 11:27 am

To the married women...

I'm actually asking this question on behalf of my friend. He came to me for advise and me, not being married, didn't know what to tell him or if his situation is even normal.

He loves this girl very deeply and wants to marry her, however he doesn't feel that sexual chemistry. In his past relationships it was never an issue and he feels it could bare a problem if they were to get married yet not feel that desire for her sexually. Is this a mind over matter? Maybe just the stress of getting married? But he's always felt this way towards this girl. Could it be possible that he doesn't love her wholly?

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks!

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:57 pm

Loving each other is half the battle, so that's a good start...

Has he given any thought that perhaps he is lacking in the {motivational, wining, dining, light a few candles, make love for more than 10 minutes, foreplay department}? .. hmm

!

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:27 pm

Sounds pretty Freudian to me! Like, the Little Head says "NO!"

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:54 pm

As strange as it may seem, an aversion to another's natural body odors can prevent that "chemistry" you referred to. I have a friend who was madly in love but couldn't stand the way his girlfriend smelled. (she was VERY clean & well-groomed)
The reason dogs smell each other's butts is because they have a natural ability to tell whether their offspring will be healthy. I think we still have those primative abilities but just can't articulate what's wrong.

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 6:00 pm

No A bifg No.

Married without sex is the worst thing possible.

He will end up looking for sex in other places and will be just miserable and frustated .

Good sex is the base for a marriage

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 6:40 pm

Coming from a woman that just went through a divorce after being married for 16 years having this same problem, that is a BIG NO to getting married!!!!!!!

I never had that sexual chemistry from the beginning with my ex husband and it was something we both struggled with throughout our marriage. I know, I stayed a very long time...but we had a great friendship/relationship base from the get go and I thought that was enough to start a marriage on thinking the sexual chemistry would come later. (of course, I was naive and oblivious at the age of 18 when my ex and I first got together)

Well, it never came and by the time the end of our marriage was near, it was to the point I HATED the thought of even getting in to bed with him and the subject of numerous fights..it is unfair to the other person on the receiving end of your "lack of sexual attraction", really it is...because eventually you both begin to resent that person and it causes way too many problems....too many to mention. I could kick myself now but hindsight is 20/20...

Sexual attraction and compatibility between couples is of huge importance....and since I have lived and learned, I will NEVER make that same mistake twice.....

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 8:44 pm

This topic couldn't have come at a better time for me!

I've been struggling with continuing to date a guy who "on paper" looks perfect for me. We have a lot of the same interests, he's intelligent, he's very sweet & kind. I'm nowhere near the point of thinking marriage (just got divorced 1 1/2 yrs ago), but I keep thinking that I'm not being fair to this guy.

I adore him & miss him when I don't talk to him, but there's something big missing for me. It was like I had no passion about the relationship from the start (not talking physical passion yet). I didn't ever have that infatuated feeling where I wanted to know everything about him, thought about him constantly, sighed when I thought about him, etc. But we've been very comfortable with each other from the beginning. We tried to be intimate a couple of times, where I was hoping to find some of the missing passion. But that was not the case at all - in fact, quite the opposite. I started pulling back in the relationship, hoping to keep it very casual & friendly. He said something the other night that made me realize he isn't getting the hint (men rarely do - I should know that). Reading everyone's stories here makes me realize that I am better off alone than with the wrong person, even if it feels comfortable.

p.s. I also had an instant aversion to his "smell" (nothing to do with hygiene). Some of my friends thought I was nuts when I mentioned it. Maybe there is something to the whole pheremone thing.

free skin care · Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:47 pm

Bren and Catsull have hit it right on! If the chemistry isn't there to begin with, it will never be there. You can love someone enough to give your life for them but that won't make the passion appear or, in the long run, fully make up for the lack of passion.

I have 35+ years of experience to back up my opinion. Believe me, lack of initial physical attraction may seem to be a manageable minus, when weighing it against all the good points. However, after decades of dealing with the ramifications and problems it causes, I would say that choosing to marry someone for whom one feels no sizzle really does both parties a huge disservice. It leaves one party feeling unloved and the other party going over and over the problem, trying to find a solution or, finally, resigning him/herself to a life with no physical passion.

If I had it to do over again, I definitely wouldn't make the same choice.

Fri Jan 16, 2009 10:28 pm

Ok, this is simplistic, maybe naive, and definitely the reason why I have said no a few times despite everything being seemingly fine. I go by one general rule - if there is any doubt in my mind, then there is no way. The question should always be "can I live without this person for the rest of my life" vs. "can I live with this person" and to me the two are very different. Imagine having doubts, getting married anyway and then meeting your soul mate - that would be my nightmare and I'd rather end up single than in that situation. Having said that, most of my friends disagree with my point of view on this Smile

free skin care · Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:23 pm

Determined wrote:

The reason dogs smell each other's butts is because they have a natural ability to tell whether their offspring will be healthy. I think we still have those primative abilities but just can't articulate what's wrong.

ROFL!!!! Too bad there isn't a discreet way of doing this! Wouldn't it save a lot in divorce fees!

free skin care · Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:35 am

Answer is big NO ....After a fight ...what would HE do ?? No makeup sex ? Thats awful...so I would suggest no marriage...in his case...why he loves her ...because she is nice to him ...then just be friends...

Mon Jan 19, 2009 8:51 pm

They have a name for the type of couple that doesn't have sex... FRIENDS!

Seriously, I LOVE my friends male and female... I can share anything with them... I can't say that I want to have sex with a single one of them...

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:49 am

fitmama wrote:

They have a name for the type of couple that doesn't have sex... FRIENDS!

Seriously, I LOVE my friends male and female... I can share anything with them... I can't say that I want to have sex with a single one of them...

EXACTLY!! My ex and I were GREAT friends before getting together and getting married....I thought that would be a wonderful foundation for marriage...I was so, so wrong....but, we are still good friends to this day and my divorce has been final just over a year. It took me 19 years to realize we made the best of friends and the worst combo as husband and wife......

Pinky1.....AMEN!!!!

Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:55 pm

If there is not chemistry then marriage should be a big NO.

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:37 pm

If there is even a slight doubt the answer is no. This isn't a gray decision - it is black or white period.

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:56 pm

fawnie wrote:

Determined wrote:

The reason dogs smell each other's butts is because they have a natural ability to tell whether their offspring will be healthy. I think we still have those primative abilities but just can't articulate what's wrong.

ROFL!!!! Too bad there isn't a discreet way of doing this! Wouldn't it save a lot in divorce fees!

LOL. Well, I don't know about this one. What happens after meno if you lose your libido? If you are truly in love with each other, do you have regrets and consider divorcing? I certainly don't. Neither does DH. I think that friends of mine haven't done the deed for over ten years and they are besotted with each other. Perhaps I'm getting off track and this should be another thread. I think sexual chemistry is very important, even if it's just the memory of it Bad Grin

, so I'd say if it ain't there (as it wasn't with DH #1) then either work on it or remove yourself from the situation.

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:10 pm

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:20 pm

This is beautifully and thoughtfully put, esp. the part about little problems just being an excuse. There's something more to chemistry than "just" sexual chemistry. I was super good friends with DH#1 and still keep in touch but the chemistry wasn't there. Precisely what this X-factor is I can't say because you can have it in a sexless marriage or a once-every-three-months marriage. But if it's not there, it's not there, even if you are bonking away like bunnies. Of course, the best situation of all is when there is chemistry and libido. I wish, I wish...

Er, BYRG...where did your post go?????

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:57 pm

Antonia wrote:

fawnie wrote:

Determined wrote:

The reason dogs smell each other's butts is because they have a natural ability to tell whether their offspring will be healthy. I think we still have those primative abilities but just can't articulate what's wrong.

ROFL!!!! Too bad there isn't a discreet way of doing this! Wouldn't it save a lot in divorce fees!

LOL. Well, I don't know about this one. What happens after meno if you lose your libido? If you are truly in love with each other, do you have regrets and consider divorcing? I certainly don't. Neither does DH. I think that friends of mine haven't done the deed for over ten years and they are besotted with each other. Perhaps I'm getting off track and this should be another thread. I think sexual chemistry is very important, even if it's just the memory of it Bad Grin

, so I'd say if it ain't there (as it wasn't with DH #1) then either work on it or remove yourself from the situation.

Oh absolutely! After the hormonal rages what you are left with is a mellow love.

Some ppl who have naturally low libidos are perfectly matched; it's just the discrepancies and lack of communication when that happens that causes problems I think, not the frequency per se.

free skin care · Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:03 pm

Here's a different twist: which is kind of in thinking with Antonia.

There are several differnt types of love and the physical attraction, chemistry, lust factor...whatever one chooses to call it does eventually wane in most marriages. If you don't have that true companionship love? Then whats left?

Another thought coming from a gal who has spent several years single...The men most women have that zinging chemistry with, are men that aren't good for them. Why is that? I don't think its because they are good breeding material.

I don't think anyone should be in a loveless relationship. But I also know from experience my best friend, whom I had no chemistry with (I even hated his smell so I know what you all are saying) is now the one that makes me sizzle. (I can't even tell you how or why it changed except I spent a lot of time down on my knees. I had been in several of those relationships where the chemistry was hot but not good choices, and I wanted both.) Each relationship is different. Passion truly does wax and wane in more relationships than not.

This is a really a difficult situation. I would say to tell your friend to go with gut instincts(and prayer if he is a praying person). Just because it did or did not work for one, doesn't mean it won't or can't be different in another. (And I would have been on the definitely "NO" side until my marriage now).

luckylady best wishes to your friend as he toils over such a difficult life changing (either way) decision.

free skin care · Wed Jan 28, 2009 10:53 pm

Wow. Good question and some really good insights. As someone once divorced and now very happily married for almost 11 years I think I can also add a thought or two.

Mabsy is SPOT ON when she says it is not just "can I live without this person" ... you have to take off the rose colored glasses (which are usually still firmly attached when you are at the point of considering marriage) and ask "can I live WITH this person". I SO should have done this for my first marriage because all those things you think will change after marriage or down the line.. well, they WONT.

On the attraction/sex front... If you aint got the chemistry to start with, it sure aint gonna come later. And whilst I do not believe that sex is the basis of marriage, at least in the beginning you need to feel a burning passion for the other person – it is the precursor to knowing that this person could be the one for you. But if that passion does not develop into a true companionship you will not have the foundation to maintain your marriage when that burning flame of desire flickers or worse, goes out (and trust me, it will happen – whether it be due to work stresses or kids or whatever) .

You need a strong foundation to survive the ups and downs not only of life together, but life in general. You simply wont be able to ride out the rough patches and come through still together without something more than a good sex life. At the same time, you still have to feel some kind of physical closeness to your partner in order to maintain the relationship (ie not be tempted to stray)...there is a lot of talk about the sexless marriage, but I wonder about a distinction between a lack of sex vs. a lack of physical contact. I've had friends who talk about having a sexless marriage (mostly due to exhaustion of raising kids and work) but they have maintained a good marriage as there was still a physical closeness.

Anyway, I would say that the first few years of a marriage are not only the toughest, but they are the years that will determine whether the marriage is going to last. My husband called it “processing”.. processing my way of life and doing things (ie things I learned from my parents.. simple things like washing dishes, folding washing…) vs. his way of life and doing things… and then processing them into OUR way of life and way of doing things.

So how do I know I have a wonderful marriage? It is the fact that when I get into bed at night my hubby pushes his nice warm feet over to my ice-cold tootsies to warm them up. Now that is love. Laughing

On a final note.. I was just reading a couple of posts again and have to ask.. on the topic of making up… what is with making up and sex?! I have never once felt like jumping boyfriend/husband after a fight so I have never been able to understand using sex as a tool/reward/benefit of making up…. Laughing

free skin care · Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:20 pm

haha tiger_tim, that's sweet of your husband to warm your feet up with his...my bf does that too sometimes Laughing

well, I wonder which should we go with?... The person u can live without or with??? I mean u can live without anyone I'm certain right? But to be able to live with someone is hard I think. So does that mean we should choose someone that we can live with? Confused

free skin care · Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:30 pm

tiger_tim wrote:

On a final note.. I was just reading a couple of posts again and have to ask.. on the topic of making up… what is with making up and sex?! I have never once felt like jumping boyfriend/husband after a fight so I have never been able to understand using sex as a tool/reward/benefit of making up…. Laughing

I might as well toss my two cents into the ring (to mix a metaphor). I agree with everything tiger said, so no point in reiterating. As for the make-up sex, I, too, DON'T GET IT. My husband has learned not to "ground" me - that is,not to touch me while there's even the tiniest spark of anger left or it will flare into a lightening bolt of rage that zings through the point of contact and incinerates the toucher. Sexual passion is a totally different kind of heat, not compatible with anger at all, at least for me.

My husband was my friend first, my lover second. Now, he is both my lover and my best friend. Yes, definitely pick someone you can live with. The more compatible your interests/values/perspectives, the easier your life will be. So, if you have a strong sex drive, don't pick a spouse with a weak one. Devout people will have a harder time with a secular mate. Even tastes in home decor are important. A modernist is going to be driven crazy by a chintz-and-china-figurines lover when it comes time to make a home together. And child-rearing philosophy is huge, if you plan to have children. Savers will have a harder time with spenders (although it can be worked out). You get the picture.

Last point: men, if I may be allowed to generalize,tend to express love through service (warming your feet or, as my husband did at 5:45 a.m. this morning, running to the grocery store to get cream for your coffee). However, they best receive love and intimacy through sex. I am fairly certain that some of the best, most intimate life experiences for a man occur during and immediately after a session of passionate love-making with his woman. Therefore, a man who is considering marriage with a woman he does not desire is probably depriving himself of a significant portion of what makes life worth living. Why doesn't he just shoot himself in the foot? Confused

free skin care · Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:51 am

i like freedom, so i do not think marriage is a wise idea for my life.
i always think about, after my marriage, i will lose my freedom, and i have to stay in only one city where my family located....that is so awful!!

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