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Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:54 pm |
ok i met this guy online, and we got along so so well, he told me he liked me......and i started liking him more n more over time. We talked on the phone, online, voice/cam.....he even talked about meeting up with me...so i guess i really started falling for him. He even mentioned a few times if and when we met up and things just clicked so well he would want to marry me. Of course we joked about this marrying thing because like there was always a possibility that maybe we dint click when we meet.
When i first met him online we used to talk everyday for couple of hours like 4-5 hours and time would always just fly, this was like several months. Then he got a job and due to time difference it wasnt possible to talk everyday..and when i said anything he would say he was working and it wasnt possible as before. So i accepted that. The talking got to about once a week. Then sometimes we wudnt talk for 2 weeks, sometimes 3 weeks.....sometimes talk 2-3 times in a week. Sometimes a month we wudnt talk. Sometimes he would say lets talk tomorow but never show up. He even talked about coming to visit me then he canceled the first time cause said would not get that long a holiday from work say about 10 days wouldnt be much because few days would go away in travelling plus he would need the money so he needs to work more. Second time same excuse. Third time i really belived it as he was talking about the flights on so and so day and booking it and what day he may be here he asked me to look up hotels in the area and stuff then again work excuse he said his boss broke up his holiday in parts like one week now and one week another time and he had to cover for another guy etc. He talked about me going to visit him too but you know i cant take that step due to family reasons plus i was abit doubtful that all wasnt for real and wanted him to take the first step. Anyway we have known each other like 2 years and a bit now.
so like last couple of months the talking got soo less like once every 2-3 weeks. We even used to text each other in the beginning but he doesnt even do that nomore, unless i text. I guess i felt abit guilty being annoyed when we couldnt talk and he said he was working and due to time difference. When we did talk it was just great and time would fly, he would say he still likes me alot and misses me even mentioned in the past that he was with me only.
I guess .....it just felt like a long distance distance relationship without the title 'we were in a relationship' and we had planned to meet up. I even stopped considering other potential dates who asked me out. I think i was totally falling for this guy and even though i tried to tell myself be realistic until when you meet up.
So anyway i started feeling he was abit unreliable in the sense telling me we can talk this day but not showing up or telling he is coming to visit me and postponing it. Always was this work excuse. I felt bad so i wouldnt say anymore about it, plus with the economic crisis i dint wana make a deal.
So like this time we went without talking for like 4-6 weeks. I cudnt get the niggling feeling out that ok his just not interested that way and maybe he met someone else and im just stupid in all this. So yea i tried to be realistic about the whole situation. Anyway i text him other day to tell him id passed my course and said i missed him n whats up did he forget me n make a joke out of it. N he txt back saying lets talk tonight (which is morning for me). Anyway again he dint show up. Then i was online yesterday doing my usual thing forums and stuff and he showed up! I was annoyed and we talked and things just felt like before you know. Anyway i tried to joke and say ok he only talks to me when his bored or nothing else to do and again he said he likes me. And then he told me
"I MET A GIRL"
Anyway when i heard this i felt totally crushed and even cried cause everything felt like a lie. But when i talked to him i dint show it and talked neutral to him cause like we had not met up yet and were not under the title of bf and gf you know. So i couldnt make any deal of it. I dint ask him how long he met her cause i guess i dint want to know!.
But i just told him i felt stupid about the whole situation, him using work as excuse when really he just couldnt be bothered to talk to me or cause he had met a girl. I wasnt really worth even 10 mins of his time in a day cause if he liked me then im sure he would take some time out for me. And he just said to me to him it is not about how much he talks to someone he likes cause he could be talking to someone more n still not like them and happened to talk less to someone but likes them alot! So i was like ok but i feel other wise.......and i told him he just gave me a reality check you know that i was being unrealistic, cause we live in different countries and we did have differences and that reliability thing him saying something he will do but not do it. He said yes you right we live in different countries and i guess i am at times unreliable but we are very much a close good match and you are wrong about the differences.
Anyway this is what he said after 'i met a girl' But i still like you alot, your worth more to me. Just i havnt been with a women for long and you know i need a women . I would leave her if you want me to. I cant get you out of my head and i like you alot still. And he asked me if i still liked him. And i said i did but il try to stop i said because i was being unrealistic and i felt stupid. And then he seemed to be all sad. And he said he will drop her i just need to say the word. And i said no he can do what he likes. And he said would i meet him if he comes to visit me.....and i asked him should i go meet anyone that likes me and i told him i did not like this idea of women he has; you know being with someone he doesnt realy like! And i said i just felt stupid about the whole thing. And we had these pet names for each other and he asked is he still mine and can he call me that pet name. And i was like no not anymore.
and then he said i was like all mean and being hard about it all. He said i never spoke to him this way and was always so nice and he always used to say im so nice to him.
Anyway then he said i was so nice to him when things were easy before and when things got bad im mean and ironic and hard. He said if im like this without things getting so serious what about if things really were so serious and crap happened! And i told him i wasnt being hard just letting my feelings known and plus this idea of women he had i did not like at all 'being with some girl which he did not like' and that i was feeling stupid and naive even gullible about everything. And he said he still likes me alot and doesnt want to loose me, asked me if i will still talk to him.
Afterwards I just talked to him neutral my normal self even though inside i felt crushed and bitter, that here i was not even thinking about being with other guys and here he was with a girl! And he has the gall to ask me will i still be his! so anyway he kept telling me he liked me alot still. Then we continued to talk normal even joked out things as we usually do. But in my mind i keep thinking his a lier and full of it. And i thought im so glad i dint meet him before. And while we were talking he asked do i still like him. And i said i do but i wont. And he said he will try even harder to melt me until i forgive him and he was trying to be all nice to be as like before, but i just talked to him as friends. I guess i continued talking cause like he understands me soo well when we talk. And plus he was my mr nice guy - who i thought could never do any wrong who if i was together with would never hurt me. I mean i have been manipulated and treated like dirt in the past so i truly thought mr nice guy could never hurt me when we are together. So i think he had his reasons but well maybe we could be friends just dont think anymore of him then that! Cause its not like we were truly bf gf so technically he did not cheat in that sense on me and plus because he understands me so well we could continue to be friends maybe
I guess i still like him and i just feel cheated in a way that why dint he just tell me he met a girl then i wouldnt have gotten my hopes up let alone feel like an ass for thinking im being annoying about him not talking when his got work and due to time difference. In my mind i keep thinking what about all the b.s. he said to me before about liking me, and he is with me only and what will he do if he lost me. I was totally falling for him as i even considered moving to his country and work there so i can be with him! I still like him and think i should just drop it and just move on and be realistic and i feel bitter in that i cant trust anyone cause if mr nice guy can do this then the rest would be i dont know. But maybe i got this wrong idea that this is my nice guy when he was just a good talker and a lier!
I just feel so confused. At one end i think maybe he had his reasons and here is he telling me he still likes me alot and he will drop the girl if i say so. On the other end i think its good he dint visit me, cause what if we really met up and were in a relationship and he left after his visit until another visit or if im away couple of months would he then just use the 'excuse i been without a women for long' i mean what the hell! And i think his just getting his kicks out of all this cause i am naive!
There are soo many guys that hit on me but i never pay attention to it, many ask me out and i always say no as i felt guilty and thought i cant do this to my mr nice guy but then i think im just being so naive and stupid. When i think about moving on I feel abit guilty again and think I will maybe hurt him, maybe he does really like me as he says and has his reasons because we are living in different countries. Ah well I guess i am one big confused case.
On a side note, i have a friend here at uni, a few weeks ago who just told me he likes me alot and has very strong feelings for me even loves me.......yet i told him i wasnt interested in him in that way.....lol cause in my mind i was thinking about my mr nice guy. I just ask myself what is wrong with me
well sorry for the long post but there is my ranting for the day and there are so many emotions im feeling right now |
_________________ age 33 .. skin dry with odd breakout now and then. skin color best i can describe is golden brown..tans easily |
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Sun Feb 08, 2009 9:04 pm |
Simran,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts, but believe me, it will pass, and you will move on. The sooner you move on, the better.
There is a movie out now, based on a book "He's just not into You". The harsh reality is, this guy is not into you, and you deserve better.
Stop contacting him. It sounds like most recent contact has been initiated from your end, so just don't bother anymore.
It seems to me that the guy at uni is the REAL Mr. Nice Guy. I mean, he has been straight about how he feels. Granted, if there is no spark between you, that could be a problem...but maybe you just need to give it a chance?
I know this is a cold-hearted thing to say, but it always worked for me in the past...the fastest way to get over a man is to find a new one. |
_________________ Nadine, age 50, live in VA; half-Asian, slight yellow tone; sensitive, dry/combo skin |
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Sun Feb 08, 2009 10:26 pm |
nadjazz wrote: |
I know this is a cold-hearted thing to say, but it always worked for me in the past...the fastest way to get over a man is to find a new one. |
Yep, this is very true.
Simran, I have a friend that "dates" a lot of men online...she gets all emotionally involved before they ever meet, only to find that all they really want is someone to send them nearly naked pics, talk dirty to them on the phone, and entertain them until they find someone locally to sleep with. And she has repeated this cycle so many times that I have lost count. Plus, the ones that have actually traveled to meet her are FAR worse in person than online.
You can do better...if you want to date online, stick to local guys only, and meet them asap! But I would be giving Mr. Uni another chance if he will let you. |
_________________ No longer answering PM's due to numerous weird messages. |
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Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:26 am |
Yes i guess the best thing would be to move on.
I know I contacted him but then other day he showed up online without my saying anything to him. And he said I came cause i missed you and wanted to talk to you else i wouldnt have bothered when i said otherwise. But in my mind i keep thinking he only talks when its convenient and where there is nothing else on. I know i tend to be paranoid about things but i cant be sure what it is with him. Ha he also said because he could not have me he picked the easier option; the other women. He even said he dint tell me cause he knew i would think bad of him or wudnt take it well and he dint know how to tell me and thats why he dint talk to me for this long; 4-6 weeks. Maybe his genuine maybe his a good talker. He even said if i were there it wouldnt have happened. I asked the girl knows you not really interested in her? And he said i guess she does know im not that into her cause how i behave and he likes me alot instead.
I dint go specifically looking for a date online but i do like chatting and i guess the more i talked to this person the more i liked him and the more i opened up about myself.....although we never talked dirty and i never sent him any naked/half naked pics or cam which is a good thing..i am the more conservative so i wouldnt do that..i did show pics which were usually just face or with my friends..
I guess thats one thing attracts guys to me cause they say im 'unique' not crazy as other girls and have this innocence thing going on or whatever.
I know the best thing would be to move on. I will just keep repeating to myself for now that things happen for a reason and this probably wasnt meant to be. If its meant to be it will be otherwise not. And there is someone out there for me who will keep me happy and not hurt me.
Im starting a new job soon so i will concentrate on that now and keep myself and mind on it. I will also stop contacting mr nice guy on my own now, if he talks to me then il talk as friends and nothing more.
Its his loss. I know im hot I have heard this a number of times from people so his gonna miss out As for me I will just wait and see what destiny has in the books for me And im gona listen to music and read up on positive book/blogs to get my spirits back up again and stop feeling like crap.
as for uni guy, he is a nice guy too just i dint think of him as a bf type.....so i dint give him a chance at all...its just when i have feelings for someone i tend to give my all to that person only rather than think about others too....well il see where things go with uni guy and me....maybe something is there |
_________________ age 33 .. skin dry with odd breakout now and then. skin color best i can describe is golden brown..tans easily |
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Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:49 am |
forgot him. like he never existed.
you are too good for him |
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Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:14 am |
He's a complete loser who is using you to boost his ego. He's lied and seems to be quite happy to string you along.
There's only one way to deal with someone like him, and that's to never contact him again. And if he tries to contact you any more, by whatever means, just ignore his messages. Do not give him the satisfaction of a reply. From now on, you need to commit to a dignified silence with regards to him.
Believe me, this complete lack of communication will not only will this help you to regain your dignity and self-respect, it will also do much more to teach him a lesson than any amount of words could ever do.
Never mind, "he's just not into you". In my opinion, "he's just not worth it."
Hold your head up high and let me get on with his childish games, knowing you're that you're not going to play them with him. |
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Mon Feb 09, 2009 7:58 pm |
majorb wrote: |
Never mind, "he's just not into you". In my opinion, "he's just not worth it."
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Well said, majorb! He's really NOT worth your time, simran! |
_________________ Nadine, age 50, live in VA; half-Asian, slight yellow tone; sensitive, dry/combo skin |
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havana8
Moderator
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 3449
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Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:40 pm |
Never ever stupid, Simran. Just sincerely and positively hoping and believing the best until suggested otherwise. And now you know, it's okay to let this blip go and move along with quiet dignity as mentioned by MajorB. IME, if you keep open and work along with your wish for something fantastic, it will happen. Maybe it's already arrived in the shape of Mr. Uni. |
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Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:50 am |
havana8 wrote: |
Never ever stupid, Simran. Just sincerely and positively hoping and believing the best until suggested otherwise. |
Absolutely, havana.
The really sad thing is that we all SHOULD be able to go about our lives in a positive, hopeful, trusting way, giving others the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, there are those who will blithely and selfishly take advantage of decent, good-hearted people. This flakey man is obviously one of them.
It's very unfair, and life would be so much better and happier if everyone behaved decently towards each other.
Whilst I would advise you to be careful in future if you find yourself in a similar situation, simran, I think it would be very sad indeed to let such a selfish wretch like him destroy your faith in people. |
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Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:37 am |
you guys are great....thanks for the support and advice. I guess sometimes one needs an outside perspective to get a better grip on things.
Btw m just wondering would you still stop talking to someone even though before you were good friends...i mean before any of the i like you b.s occured |
_________________ age 33 .. skin dry with odd breakout now and then. skin color best i can describe is golden brown..tans easily |
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Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:20 am |
simran wrote: |
you guys are great....thanks for the support and advice. I guess sometimes one needs an outside perspective to get a better grip on things.
Btw m just wondering would you still stop talking to someone even though before you were good friends...i mean before any of the i like you b.s occured |
It seems to me that his messing you around is upsetting you very much. You've fallen for him and it hurts badly when he treats you this way. Things are no longer on a just friends footing.
If you could absolutely guarantee to yourself that you'd be fine just being friends, and if you could trust yourself to not expect to meet up with him or reciprocate any romantic feelings, then it might be okay, I guess.
But I get the impression that you would keep hoping and hoping that things would be different in time, that he'd eventually change his mind and want to be with you. But all the while, he'd keep stringing you along to boost his ego, enjoying the fact that you've fallen for him.
To me, his actions are not those of a good, decent, caring friend. So why should you consider him to be one?
Believe me, you'll just end up more and more hurt if you don't cleanly cut him out of your life completely. Don't do what many others do in the same situation, using friendship as an excuse to stay in touch with him. That's the surest path to heartache. |
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Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:20 am |
majorb wrote: |
To me, his actions are not those of a good, decent, caring friend. So why should you consider him to be one?
Believe me, you'll just end up more and more hurt if you don't cleanly cut him out of your life completely. Don't do what many others do in the same situation, using friendship as an excuse to stay in touch with him. That's the surest path to heartache. |
Once again, I agree with majorb. I've been down this path before, simran, so I know majorb is right. I've been the one who's been hurt, but I've also been the one who did the hurting...and I can tell you that it comes from selfishness, not having the other person's best interest at heart.
I've also met/dated men online before, and one thing I've learned is to move swiftly...either decide to meet in person and find out if you want to take it to relationship level, or decide to cut the ties. Again, I've been on both sides of the process, and it actually feels good when the decision is a "no-go". It stings a bit when someone does it to you, but because the decision was made early in the process, there's not a whole alot of emotion invested in it.
In your case, this has lingered too long, and now you are emotionally vested. I don't think it's a good idea to keep in touch. When I was in a similar situation, I just had to tell the guy "don't contact me anymore", although I was crying as I said it.
Be strong, girl! |
_________________ Nadine, age 50, live in VA; half-Asian, slight yellow tone; sensitive, dry/combo skin |
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Sat Feb 14, 2009 10:30 am |
Absolutely agree with what nadjazz said about being strong!
And if you do feel yourself wavering and want either a virtual shoulder to pour your heart out on, or if you need someone to bolster your resolve and help you keep on the right track, just come here and post.
We'll do our best to help you get through this and not give in. |
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Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:28 pm |
Simran,
I am sure that you have heard of the book called "He's Just Not That Into You." It is very humorous and easy to read, but has some very important points in there.
I read another one that is right on the money too....I need to find the title and will post it later for you. |
_________________ No longer answering PM's due to numerous weird messages. |
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Sun Feb 22, 2009 11:37 am |
Simran, I'm sorry this has happened, and been so upsetting for you. Clearly, he chosen to date someone else. You liked this guy more than he liked you, and he found someone else ... despite his continuing to give you mixed messages and wanting to keep you on the hook, I hope you are able to move on, and soon. Hope you can find someone in your geographical area and have a 'real' relationship that involves more than texting and phone calls...lots people seem to be getting into those situations. I know meeting people on-line is easy, but it's also a purely fantasy situation on lots of levels. (anyone can portray him or herself as someone they're not) Finding someone in real-life will be more rewarding for you. I would think that no-contact is the best route, why continue to torture yourself? And as far as trying to be 'friends' with this guy, sometimes that can be over-rated, unless you approve of how he treated you as a 'friend.' Please, value yourself more than he did! |
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