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a frenemy threw away some of my childhood photos
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gretchen
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:51 pm      Reply with quote
I found this out yesterday and am upset. I know the relationship is toxic and most likely can't be fixed but I would have never thought he would stoop to this.

What should I do?

He purposely threw away pictures from my 3rd grade dance recital because he knew those were the only happy childhood memories I had.
SeanySeanUK
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:49 pm      Reply with quote
Whilst I understand your sadness, you know its important not to be trapped by our pasts, as many times if we're constantly reflecting them we're not living in the present moment and thus much of the joy that we could experience is limited.

If its major for you, you could always imagine yourself back in those situations, but instead I'd invite you to consider how your life could give you even better memories than those you currenty remember.

You could always ask around to see if others had copies of those photos, or if others have photos that were also good memories!

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gretchen
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:38 pm      Reply with quote
I appreciate your view Sean and would have agreed with you years ago when I was more in to New Age thinking but these pictures were my *mother's* property and I now realize I was totally remiss to ever remove them from her house. I did so ten years ago when I left Texas after a car accident we were in. That he did this to me is very serious because I know he did so to hurt & intimidate me. Wow. No one on this forum seems to have anything to say about classical domestic violence. People must be too hip for it or something.
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:45 pm      Reply with quote
Hi Gretchen,
I read your post earlier and felt sick in my stomach for you - I just wanted to think about the words I wanted to write first.

You have every right to be upset and mad - I hope that you can avoid contact with this person in the future. If you can, make time to surround yourself with the people in your life that love you.

You are in my thoughts

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Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:53 pm      Reply with quote
gretchen wrote:
I found this out yesterday and am upset. I know the relationship is toxic and most likely can't be fixed but I would have never thought he would stoop to this.

What should I do?

He purposely threw away pictures from my 3rd grade dance recital because he knew those were the only happy childhood memories I had.


Not knowing much about you and/or much about this relationship, so going just my what you have written this is not someone I would want anything to do with now or ever. Is he a friend or your SO? Your personal belongings are just that, yours, not his.

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Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:44 pm      Reply with quote
So sorry, that's awful. Sad Are you sure they were tossed out definitely? Maybe they're just saying that to hurt you?

My ex-husband was abusive (mentally & physically) and after we split up my Mom let him back into the house and he stole a bunch of stuff (even my computer). I had a restraining order on him at the time, changed the locks, but my Mom felt sorry for him. Anyway, I was so upset but couldn't do much about it except not show him how upset I was because that's what he wanted.

People do stuff like that to be hurtful and vindictive, to feel like they are in control and have power of you. The only thing we can do is move on and forget they ever existed because we deserve so much better....
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Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:00 am      Reply with quote
gretchen wrote:
I appreciate your view Sean and would have agreed with you years ago when I was more in to New Age thinking but these pictures were my *mother's* property and I now realize I was totally remiss to ever remove them from her house. I did so ten years ago when I left Texas after a car accident we were in. That he did this to me is very serious because I know he did so to hurt & intimidate me. Wow. No one on this forum seems to have anything to say about classical domestic violence. People must be too hip for it or something.


That's terrible, gretchen. And if he has also been violent towards you, then you must immediately contact the Police and cut him from your life completely!

Unfortunately, I know people who have stayed in violent relationships because their self-confidence has been so undermined. Please don't let that happen to you. Get away from him now.
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Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:18 am      Reply with quote
Gretchen

Seriously I wouldnít label it as ďnew age thinkingĒ because its truly not Ė instead consider it rather as making the best out of a bad situation. If there is no way you can get the photos back (and Iím guessing there isnít from your post), then consistently reflecting on their loss isnít going to make you feel any better, and so it achieves nothing in helping you to move on.

If he did that to hurt you, and intimidate you thatís more indicative of his character but heís doing it to get such a reaction out of you, and so I always like to consider the choices available to you. You can let it hurt you, and constantly give your power away, or you can simply move on.

Domestic violence takes so many forms, and I think perhaps people werenít wanting to label it as such for you if you hadnít realised it was so and so its not about it being hip or anything.

I always try to consider also that there are two sides to every story and wonder what caused him to do this if he knew they were precious to you Ė did you argue or something? Iím also curious as to how you know for sure he threw them away? Sometimes people say things that arenít true in order to create pain and Iím hoping this is one of them.

Whatever you do, or happens Ė I wish you truly the best and your in my prayers.

Sean
gretchen wrote:
I appreciate your view Sean and would have agreed with you years ago when I was more in to New Age thinking but these pictures were my *mother's* property and I now realize I was totally remiss to ever remove them from her house. I did so ten years ago when I left Texas after a car accident we were in. That he did this to me is very serious because I know he did so to hurt & intimidate me. Wow. No one on this forum seems to have anything to say about classical domestic violence. People must be too hip for it or something.

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Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:31 am      Reply with quote
Gretchin,

I have a very similar story to WhiteWolf with an EX. Things that belonged to my parents, who are both now deceased were taken. They had both sentimental and monetary value. Most important they mattered to me!

Also when my father developed dementia, a woman took advantage of him and many important things were taken.

I am sorry this happened to you and feel your pain and anger!!!

Some people are just plain EVIL and seem to enjoy inflicting pain on others. I like to give most people the benefit of doubt, but again some are just mean and evil.

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Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:47 am      Reply with quote
gretchen wrote:
Wow. No one on this forum seems to have anything to say about classical domestic violence. People must be too hip for it or something.


I'm sorry but I did not get domestic violence out of your first post saying a "frenemy" threw away some of your photos and what should you do about it? I didn't answer, because in my mind I thought what can you do about it? If they are already disposed of, then they are gone. I would think you would end the relationship (whatever it is, as you did not say if this was a friend, husband, boyfried, etc) if you know this person purposely did this to hurt you.
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Wed Nov 10, 2010 9:16 am      Reply with quote
Gretchen,
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't have much to say about the relationship aspect of this that hasn't already been said, but I can empathize with you about losing your pictures. My husband and I lost most of our family photos in a flood a few years back. I have been able to get a few copies of mine from other family members, but my husband's were originals, and really irreplaceable. For a while I thought I had moved on, but I have a dd now and I would have liked her to have had the ability to see all of her family members who are no longer with us.
No words of wisdom here, but I know how you feel. So sorry.
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Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:11 pm      Reply with quote
I lived with him for a while, I would not call him an "ex". I left some things with him when I went to Utah thinking he would safeguard them. The abuse started when I got the inheritance that allowed me to go to Salt Lake. I got a cute apartment up there and decided to go in and have plastic surgery. He said I was average and should not have the surgery and called it a "quick fix". I am 5'1", very tiny boned, and my nose always bothered me. It was too big for my bone structure. I could not and still can't fathom why this change bothered him so much, why my getting what I wanted was a problem to him. Other good things happened for me (ie, jobs etc) which he also opposed. I eventually ran out of money and options in Utah and decided to come back to Albuquerque where he is. He emphasized what good friends we are and said it would be nice to have me back in town. I now realize I should have never come back and am possibly facing a move to another state AGAIN as well as a restraining order. My stomach hurt really bad when I got up this morning. I'm starting perimenopause and woke up at 3 am.

Thanks everyone for your support.
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Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:23 pm      Reply with quote
gretchen wrote:
I lived with him for a while, I would not call him an "ex". I left some things with him when I went to Utah thinking he would safeguard them. The abuse started when I got the inheritance that allowed me to go to Salt Lake. I got a cute apartment up there and decided to go in and have plastic surgery. He said I was average and should not have the surgery and called it a "quick fix". I am 5'1", very tiny boned, and my nose always bothered me. It was too big for my bone structure. I could not and still can't fathom why this change bothered him so much, why my getting what I wanted was a problem to him. Other good things happened for me (ie, jobs etc) which he also opposed. I eventually ran out of money and options in Utah and decided to come back to Albuquerque where he is. He emphasized what good friends we are and said it would be nice to have me back in town. I now realize I should have never come back and am possibly facing a move to another state AGAIN as well as a restraining order. My stomach hurt really bad when I got up this morning. I'm starting perimenopause and woke up at 3 am.

Thanks everyone for your support.


It almost sounds to me like you are semi dependant on him? If he is not an ex, rather a 'friend'.....the best you can do is move away from him and stop all contact. Couldnt you move a few miles away rather than another state?
If he is more controlling than you have described and is likely to follow you then you have to get the police involved as well.
Sean is right - its pointless freeting over what has gone. Cut all ties and over time you will feel better about things.
gretchen
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Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:11 pm      Reply with quote
What if it was only a few pictures? That makes no difference really... I am trying to figure out exactly how many are missing. He is the executive of an agency that helps young children, I can't believe he did this.
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