Experience on being child free.
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Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:08 pm

I noticed in the skin care forum on a topic about menapause that a few lovely people on here are child free. I would like to ask anyone who wants to answer if you in any way regret not having children? I know this is a very personal topic and that some may be child free thru circumstance. However any comments would be greatly appreciated.

The reason I am interested is that at the moment I am 27 and having been with my partner for almost 9 years and married just over 2. So there is clear pressure from both sides of the family to pop out some grand kids. However I am very undecided. I am not sure if I do or don't want kids or if I am just not ready now. In theory being 27 means I still have time to decided but I am also aware that there is a possibility I could not have children. My husband says it does not bother him either way. We did talk about this issue may times before getting married and since. I told him I was leaning towards not having children and he was fine with that.

So not having any childfree by choice people in my life I do not really have anyone to talk to about this. While I understand that what may be right for one person may not be right for another I still would really appreciate any comments or thought that anyone would like to share on this topic. Thanks in advance.

free skin care · Sat Jan 15, 2011 9:20 pm

Well I am one with 4 now all 21 and older!

My oldest daughter will be 30 in a few days and has chosen to not have any children as have a number of her friends.
I feel very strongly it's totally your and your husbands decision. If you have no desire to have kids and only are considering it because of pressure from the parents and in-laws then take them out of the equation and do what your heart tells you is right for your life. Smile

EDTA: I told all my kids I wanted kids and choose to have my 4. They have every right to make that choice whether yes or no for
themselves, and will never have any pressure from me one way or the other.

free skin care · Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:20 am

This is a topic that I can strongly relate too, as I don't have children due to certain circumstances, however it is hard when you get pressure from family and friends due to that stigma that once you get married it is the next step in your life.
I agree DarkMoon that it is totally the couples decision and once you take everyone else out of the equation you need to do what your heart tells you and if that's not having children then that is your decision and your decision alone.

Sometimes for some people it isn't meant to be and in my case I have the in laws, especially my mother-inlaw suggesting IVF etc, however I just feel that my body has had enough and if it does happen naturally then I will also be happy with that and if it doesn't then I'm also fine either way without someone telling me what I should be doing.
I think when sometimes others get involved it can cause tension between couples when there made to feel like they could be doing more and should be doing more.
I think children should be a choice between couples and you shouldn't in my opinion just have one to satisfy anyone else.
This is only my opinion and I'm happy for friends and family to make there own choice on whether or not they choose to have children. Smile

free skin care · Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:39 am

I have two girls, 35 and 37 who have not yet had children.

I completely agree with Dark Moon and Divine Diva - the choice should be made between you and your husband - you should not be made to feel obligated to have a child by other family members.

free skin care · Sun Jan 16, 2011 6:27 am

I am almost 37 and am child-less by choice. I knew at a very young age that I never wanted to be a mother... just never felt the urge or desire. For me, I love my freedom. I am not responsible for another human being and therefore can make some radical life moves every now and again. With a child you need to live a more stable life - and that is just not something I want.

My immediate family understands - and agrees with my decision. My extended family, however, do not and it is always a topic at family get-togethers. I have also had to end some relationships because my boyfriend(s) wanted to have children. It is something that I am very up front with when starting a relationship.

I look at my sister, who is an excellent mother, and really admire her for all that she gives of herself. To be a parent must be amazing. The rewards are huge. I love my niece to pieces - my heart almost explodes with love when I see her - so I can only imagine how my sister must feel. An incredible type of love for sure.

As others have said, it is your decision. Do what feels right.

free skin care · Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:28 pm

Never had any desire for kids, probably because I am the eldest daughter of many siblings. My gynecologist told me that eldest daughters and school teachers are more likely than other women to get their tubes tied and remain childfree. They are around kids and are responsible for them so they know better than most people what they are like.

Interestingly, every survey I've read over the past several decades shows that parents, if they had to do it over again knowing what they know now, would never have had kids. I think 66% was the pretty standard number. Sure some people were meant to be parents, are good at it and love it. They are the ones who adopt and foster many many children. It's a calling. For most, it's an afterthought or an accident and one they regret. The kids are the ones who suffer from the broken homes. Divorced men have told me that their marriage fell apart with the birth of the kids.

free skin care · Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:08 pm

I'm thrilled I had my kids but having children was never one of my life goals. I had a great career for close to 10 years and was able to travel all the time - loved it. When the kids came I was ok and ready to roll. My kids are little travelers too.

My children have great senses of humor and are independent and kind of heart and a joy to have around. There are never any fights and rarely a disagreement. I think that's one reason I'm so happy having had children - aside from the fact that you Love them to pieces. I know so many families where the kids are spoiled, unhappy, nasty, and I can see why parents, et al are disillusioned by their decision to raise children. Let's face it - it takes sacrifice to raise children and many people who parent are not really cut out for it. (A very sad truth).
For me having lived a rather busy, full life before kids was necessary. And I also believe children benefit best from a two-person household where both parents are involved.

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:02 am

My personal experience in being child free (and in experiencing the life's of my friends who are child free )is that there is often a 'calling' or destiny that awaits a child free person that couldn't have been fulfilled with children (or grandchildren)...while i'm sure this isn't true for everyone i just wanted to point out that a child free life isn't necessarily just a life without children ,,,but a destiny that couldn't have otherwise been fulfilled.

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:15 am

jasminerosey wrote:

My personal experience in being child free (and in experiencing the life's of my friends who are child free )is that there is often a 'calling' or destiny that awaits a child free person that couldn't have been fulfilled with children (or grandchildren)...while i'm sure this isn't true for everyone i just wanted to point out that a child free life isn't necessarily just a life without children ,,,but a destiny that couldn't have otherwise been fulfilled.

I would love a specific example, I know too many woman that have both children and have achieved incredible things in life?

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:34 am

For sure - I absolutely agree that women with children have achieved wonderful things. Raising a child in itself is quite an accomplishment - one that should be admired.

With that being said, some of the decisions that I have made could not have been possible with children. I am able to take more chances and explore more opportunities because I am not responsible for another.

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:49 am

erg wrote:

For sure - I absolutely agree that women with children have achieved wonderful things. Raising a child in itself is quite an accomplishment - one that should be admired.

With that being said, some of the decisions that I have made could not have been possible with children. I am able to take more chances and explore more opportunities because I am not responsible for another.

I respect what you are saying erg, and I don't believe anyone must have kids. I just know when you do and choose to make life changes, where there is a will there is a way. Smile

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:38 am

Darkmoon, just a quick example..perhaps more later....(achievement, as it's usually thought of.. isn't really the issue i'm speaking about, though)

so regarding grandchildren...(which often come along eventually when one has children..although not always..re this thread!)

my husband and i feel guided to live in India...in about 5-7 years or so...near a retreat center in the 'middle of nowhere'... according to western standards... on the outskirts of a very poor village...and because we have to leave India after every 6 months..for 2 months..before we can return again...we will prob find alternative residency during ythat time in a country closer than the USA to India...

i have a number of friends who would like to do the same...but have children/ grandchildren in a close family relationship that they feel would not be right to leave in such a 'permanent' kind of way...not that it's not possible ..but life creates need for family sacrifice ...which, after my parents die...my husband and I will, unlike these friends, will no longer have.

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:02 pm

I had wanted kids for a very long time. In fact the urge first happened when I was 16. Im 38 now... and Im sooo happy I dont have children. The thought makes me cringe actually.

I have been able to travel the world quite a few times - something that I would maybe never have the chance to do otherwise.

I also have anxiety which has gotten much worse in the last few years. I see kids in public and I dont even pay attention to them unless they are making a scene and then I just thank God I dont have any cause I wouldnt be able to handle those situations anymore.

What Ive done with any motherly instincts or needs is directed towards animals. I spend a lot of time and money caring and helping animals in need... and for me it makes me happy and gives me a purpose. I definitely dont want to be that lady with 50 cats either(i only have 2 now).

The 2 things that DO bother me are my parents never being grandparents and this general snobby attitude I feel others have towards childless women. THAT pisses me off!!! I remember watching "the View" one day and I cant remember what exactly was said... but it was this general attitude that they were better because they were mothers. I dont mean ANY disrespect to the mothers on this board but... so what, its not that difficult (for most) to have children. We all know it happens quite often by accident. So thats what I dont get or what annoys me. I know its a hard job and some fail... but there is definitely an annoying attitude that most have towards women like me.

My situation isnt really based on choice - 10 years ago I definitely would have done so if i had the opportunity... but at this point Im very happy with how things turned out.

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:28 pm

mb935,

I hope you know I don't judge either way, I know for sure my oldest daughter does not want kids period.
Any honest mom will say there are times where you wonder why on earth you had the little darlings! In the long run though you love them and wouldn't trade them for anything!

What you posted reminds me of working mom's looking down their noses at stay at home mom's and the reverse. In my mind it's all about choice (or what hand nature deals) so too each their own.

My cousin who has 2 adopted kids and one in her mid 40's living at home with 3 teen/twenty kids, when she meats a childless couple says "I don't know whether to offer my condolences or congratulations!"
Smile

free skin care · Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:40 pm

jasminerosey wrote:

..but life creates need for family sacrifice ...which, after my parents die...my husband and I will, unlike these friends, will no longer have.

This is another issue we often have to deal with. Just when your children have grown and are off your hands, your parents become dependent - this can also become a situation which ties you down.

free skin care · Tue Jan 18, 2011 8:56 am

Quote:

However I am very undecided. I am not sure if I do or don't want kids or if I am just not ready now.

I have two children and am happy to have them, so I'm not qualified to answer your question about regret. However, I didn't have my kids until my forties; I totally wasn't ready in my twenties, and my situation in my thirties was not supportive of having children. You are still very young and have a lot of living to do. You don't need to rush yourselves (or have anyone else rush you) into making a decision. Also, just be aware that you may never feel "ready." For my husband and me, having children was an adventure we wanted to share if we could, so we just jumped. It's been great, but our life together would have been good either way.

free skin care · Tue Jan 18, 2011 9:09 am

Keliu wrote:

jasminerosey wrote:

..but life creates need for family sacrifice ...which, after my parents die...my husband and I will, unlike these friends, will no longer have.

This is another issue we often have to deal with. Just when your children have grown and are off your hands, your parents become dependent - this can also become a situation which ties you down.

Or as in my case still have 2 at home (one on the way out) the other still 18 and need to move a now dependant parent into your home! As the saying goes we make plans and God laughs!
It can be a spouse becoming ill and unable to move far away.

free skin care · Tue Jan 18, 2011 3:07 pm

Once upon a time, I wanted a dog. I "borrowed" a friend's dog so she and her husband could go away for a long weekend. I became anxious, always wondering where the dog was, would it hurt itself, would it destroy my things. It constantly demanded attention, it wanted to go outside when I didn't want to, it got hair over everything, it barked in the morning and woke me up. I decided that having a dog was more than I could handle at that point, with all the work stress I had. Now, imagine the people who don't audition a pet, just get one and have the above reaction. That's why so many animals are abandoned.

Why people don't do the same with babies and children is beyond me. Volunteer at children's groups and at schools. Offer to babysit your friends' kids. If you don't like them, you can give them back. If they are yours, you are stuck. One of the leading causes of death of children is their parents and caretakers. I've heard too many women say, "I'd be a great mother." When I ask them how much time they spend with kids it's none! It reminds me of women who want to be married but all they really want is the wedding. They are in fantasy land.

free skin care · Tue Jan 18, 2011 6:25 pm

SoftSkin - your points are very valid. When my last cat died, I swore I'd never get another pet because they tie you down and are a constant source of worry. However, I really missed that "furry fix" and ended up getting a little chihuahua, Lulu. I am now completely obsessed with Lulu - I refuse to go overseas because I can't bear leaving her. Everywhere else I go, I take her with me and smuggle her into hotels. I am now in constant fear of something happening to her - it would destroy me. On the other hand, she brings me so much joy and happiness.

In regard to "testing life with a baby" - some schools have programmes where they give teenagers a mechanical baby doll which is programmed to behave like a real life baby. Apparently, this has been quite effective in stopping unwanted teenage pregnancies. And it's very true that when mothers are asked if they had their time over again "would they have a child" a large percentage respond "no". But I think my response would probably be, "no, I'd have a chihuahua instead!"

free skin care · Wed Jan 19, 2011 12:17 pm

Keliu wrote:

In regard to "testing life with a baby" - some schools have programmes where they give teenagers a mechanical baby doll which is programmed to behave like a real life baby. Apparently, this has been quite effective in stopping unwanted teenage pregnancies.

Yes, I think 20/20 or Sixty Minutes did a story about this years ago. I know funding is tight, but if schools invested in these dolls they'd save a fortune in drop-out kids. After all, if a kid doesn't go to school, the school loses money from the Federal government.

http://www.realityworks.com/realcare/realcarebaby.html

free skin care · Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:40 am

I've never had any desire to have children. I had my tubes tied at 28. I'm 39 now. Well, actually, in my previous relationship i did think at times (during the relationship) that it would have been nice to have had a child with him (he would have loved it) but he turned out to be very bad tempered, insecure & overpowering & we broke up after 7 yrs anyway, so i'm glad we didn't have a child together.
Other than that, i've thought maybe i should have had a couple of kids so i'd hopefully have someone to look out for me when i'm old. But that's a very selfish reason for bringing children into the world.
I have my four legged children, 2 girls and a boy, lol. 2 horses & a dog.

free skin care · Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:20 am

CindiLou wrote:

but he turned out to be very bad tempered, insecure & overpowering

They all are! Very Happy

Stick with the animals.

free skin care · Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:36 am

Well let's start enforcing forced sterilization for both men and woman, evil selfish ignorant beasts we all are and there won't be any more horrid screaming brats, the human race will die out and nature will once again take it's course! Just remember all you little animal lovers, nature is a cruel mistress and those wee little furbabies will land on the bottom of the food chain! Smile

Almost forgot, we need to wait at least 6 years so they can bring the Wooly Mammoth back! That's a great place to be spending a fortune, I am so for that!!!!

Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:28 am

Thankyou everyone for your relpies. Some food for thought.

free skin care · Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:13 am

I'm 36 and child free... more because of life circumstances and thinking "it's not the time yet".

Although I'm obviously happy with my life, I definitely regret not having children earlier. I think I was always waiting for the "perfect moment" and the truth is that there is no perfect moment. I'm dying to have kids now but just this time hubby is travelling so not a lot of kid making opportunities.

I think in the end it really depends on what you want to do with life. I love family life with kids. I am looking forward to having kids and taking them to the park, sitting with them doing homeowork, taking care of them when they're sick and cranky (hopefully not too often!) etc, etc. I am also terrified because I think any mistake can screw them up! I want to be a good parent and I'm not sure I know how! I wouldn't mind if almost 100% of my free time in the next 18 years is spent doing stuff with/for the kids.

So I think you need to think how do you want to spend the next (approx) 18 years of your life. There's people that regret having kids and people that regret not having kids. There's people happy with kids and people not happy with kids.

For example, I have a friend that loves, loves travelling. Every year she plans her new adventures and travels. For her, having kids is out of the question. She wouldn't be able to travel as much because it would cost her more and she wouldn't be able to go to her "exotic" places because she'd fear for the child's safety. Having children is not appealing to her and so she and her husband are a happy childless family. Then I have another friend who has a Phd and had a great job. She had the first 2 kids and was very happy and now had the 3rd and quit working and she says she's the happiest she's ever been in her life.

A note of caution regarding research of happiness in "childless vs. with-child" women: there's a lot of factors that confound the association. For example, research that lumps all women together include the many young women that had unwanted pregnancies that have lower socioeconomic status, etc. When you adjust for that, the association disappears. They also fail to adjust for husband's role. In short, most research that has taken into consideration lots of confounding variables has found that there's no difference in happiness between childless and with-children mothers as long as the childless mothers have a social support network and emotional attachments

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